lukekarts Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 So I've been seeing this girl for a little over 4 months and things have been going well. I'm 29 she's 25. That said, the issue of trust came up yesterday - not sure entirely how - and when pressed, I told her that I wouldn't trust her to keep a secret. Anyway, not that I have a whole list of secrets but there is one thing I told her, maybe 6 weeks into dating, that I asked her to keep a secret - but a few things here and there made me think she hadn't. So I asked her outright, basically to use this as an example - and she said to me there and then she hadn't, whilst looking exceptionally guilty. So I pressed the issue, and then she revealed she told some of her close friends my secret. At the time, I made a particularly big thing about this so it's not as if she could have misunderstood me. And whilst I was obviously upset, the conversation continued and she told me how, particularly early on, she told her friends a lot - some of which I'd say is inappropriate (the size of my penis, details about our intimate moments etc) but I guess girls are like that? Anyway, it's left me in a bit of a quandry. She says she's sorry and has been childish but it kind of feels like a 'Sex and the City' type thing where my secrets aren't secret and basically anything we share is an ongoing narrative for her and her friends. Am I right for feeling upset that she betrayed my trust / then lied to me? How do I get past this?
Philosoraptor Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Look, people gossip. Your partner will talk about things to people she is close to... just a fact here. She should have been honest with you though. Something you explictly told her to keep to herself is something she should have not made part of her girl talk. You need to reestablish your boundaries and let her know that you understand that girls gossip, but something you ask her directly to not tell anyone else is something she needs to keep to herself.
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Some girls are like this. Some guys also, I went out with someone like that once. I can't bear it, it's so immature. How can you date someone you can't trust? No thanks, I would lose all respect for the person if they couldn't keep their trap shut. 1
Lansing Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 If I told something to someone in confidence and explicity said "please don't tell anyone else" I would be particularly pissed off. I found out that one of my friends was telling a lot of our conversation to her sister and it really pissed me off because I wasn't expecting them to be talking about me like that. It is making me want to share less with her that is for sure. 2
Author lukekarts Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks for the replies. @Philosoraptor - I agree, that people gossip and that doesn't surprise me. Thanks for the second bit, in particular though. @Emilia - yes, she's a bit immature at times (though more so with her friends, than with me) and yes I do lose respect. @Lansing - yeah, that's exactly how I feel. She's coming over tonight and we're going to talk this through. I will just have to make it clear that its going to take me time to trust her again and that she needs to either learn to respect me more or risk losing me. It seems very frank and I absolutely don't want to go down that route but it has made things feel like they've taken a huge step back. 1
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My mother still tells her partner things I talk to her about in confidence. Or, rather, she would if I included her. I think you have the right to expect confidentiality from people close to you.
HappyLove Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 People show you who they are THE FIRST TIME! You specifically asked her to keep a secret and she told not one but SEVERAL of her friends. She told your penis size and how you are in bed!!! No this is not a girl thing. It's the same thing for men & women just like a man who was dating someone he really loves and respected he would never tell his friends bedroom detail only if she was a skank that he really saw no future with anyway. Same goes for women. Keep forgiving her if you want but it will eventually blow up in your face. She's already told you she is, untrustworthy, anything after this is your fault. 1
Author lukekarts Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 People show you who they are THE FIRST TIME! You specifically asked her to keep a secret and she told not one but SEVERAL of her friends. She told your penis size and how you are in bed!!! No this is not a girl thing. It's the same thing for men & women just like a man who was dating someone he really loves and respected he would never tell his friends bedroom detail only if she was a skank that he really saw no future with anyway. Same goes for women. Keep forgiving her if you want but it will eventually blow up in your face. She's already told you she is, untrustworthy, anything after this is your fault. Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if this response is too negative (not that I'm not valuing your opinion) so I'd like to see if others agree/disagree?
HappyLove Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if this response is too negative (not that I'm not valuing your opinion) so I'd like to see if others agree/disagree? I like to speak the truth. Sure I could say, oh forgive her I'm sure she only accidentally kept telling person after person your huge secret. I prefer to call it how I see it. Good luck.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My girlfriends and I all discuss our sex lives with one another, whether it's with a partner or a FWB, unless the guy has stated they're uncomfortable with it. Although it seems the older we get, and the more serious about a guy we are, the less we do it. I wouldn't volunteer any gory details about the sex I have within my relationships these days as I know that my friends and my partner will be hanging out sometimes and I don't think it's too far for him to be sat there unaware that the girl he's speaking to knows all about the size of his dick. It's something that happens a lot during teen years but in my experience calms down with age. However, you told her a secret, and she spilled the beans to other people. That's a WHOLE different story. She broke your confidence. Somebody doing this once to me would be enough for me to move on.
Shosh Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I think it is a really bad thing for her to tell your secret to other people, I don't care whether they are friends or not. It is YOUR secret, not hers. It would be different if you had a relationship issue that you asked her not to talk about, but she confided in a friend because she desperately needed advice -or came to loveshack and posted anonymously about it - but to spill your secret to other after you asked her not to. Wow, that is pretty bad. I would not necessarily say you have to break up with her straight away if everything else is going well and you want to give her a 2nd chance. But I would make it absolutely clear to her that you are hurt, disappointed, upset etc. and that she will have to earn your trust back if she cares about the future of this relationship. If she does not make much of an effort you know she does not care about you that much and you should probably move on Good luck!
Fondue Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'd be more than peeved if I told a ladyfriend something in confidence and she went on to spill the beans. That is definitely grounds for a breakup. What else can't you trust her on? I'd be skeptical if she discussed other details of our relationship, too (like in your case, penis-related things). I'm a very, very private person. I do NOT like my privacy to be taken lightly. I'm fortunate my girlfriend is equally as private as I. I'm pretty sure anything I may tell her remains with her. If I found out that to be not true, we'd definitely have problems. 1
BradJacobs Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My girlfriends and I all discuss our sex lives with one another, whether it's with a partner or a FWB, unless the guy has stated they're uncomfortable with it. Although it seems the older we get, and the more serious about a guy we are, the less we do it. I wouldn't volunteer any gory details about the sex I have within my relationships these days as I know that my friends and my partner will be hanging out sometimes and I don't think it's too far for him to be sat there unaware that the girl he's speaking to knows all about the size of his dick. It's something that happens a lot during teen years but in my experience calms down with age. However, you told her a secret, and she spilled the beans to other people. That's a WHOLE different story. She broke your confidence. Somebody doing this once to me would be enough for me to move on. My friends and I are like this. I consider it normal. People talk about relationships and relationships include sex. Telling secrets is a no no.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My couple of bestfriends and I share all the bedroom details. It's not gossiping, it's how female friendship is. First time one of us has sex with a new boyfriend you bet we're on the phone or text the following morning. As for the secret part, if you tell her it's important she keeps it to herself, then she should. If she wants to tell a confident then she should ask if she may. When one of my ex-bf told me he owned 56K to the government he asked me to keep it to myself. I said 'do you mind if I share this with Frances and he said ok.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Although it seems the older we get, and the more serious about a guy we are, the less we do it. I wouldn't volunteer any gory details about the sex I have within my relationships these days as I know that my friends and my partner will be hanging out sometimes and I don't think it's too far for him to be sat there unaware that the girl he's speaking to knows all about the size of his dick. It's something that happens a lot during teen years but in my experience calms down with age. I agree but I find the purpose why we share this information changes with age. When you're young it's about bragging, criticizing, romansing the story, as we get older it's more about finding advice, sharing worries, expressing our happiness. 1
Fondue Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 After reading some of the replies in this thread, it seems like it is more or less "normal" for ladies to share information among themselves about their intimate encounters. I have to wonder, would you object to your partner sharing details about you, your body, etc. with his friends? Or if not object, but at least a bit slighted? We can see this going two ways, if you and your performance were impressive, you might feel pretty good knowing some of the guys he hangs out with think of you well. But what if he said something that made you look poor or unattractive? How does that go? I try to live my life by putting myself in other people's shoes. Always. That's how I function most of the time, which keeps me pretty well balanced. I have a feeling this is one of those things might be: "it's just something we do" but "it's not cool for you to do it." 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Personally, I'm a very open person so if a FWB wanted to tell his friends details about our sex or how awesome they think I am at giving head etc it's absolutely fine. I am not sure how I'd feel if it was less than complimentary though! I'd probably feel really embarrassed. Like I say, in teen years it happens loads as you're essentially bragging while trying to figure out where what you're doing lies on the spectrum of 'normal'. These days I wouldn't go much beyond 'we have a lot of chemistry/we're working on the chemistry' about a partner, although casual sex sometimes still gets dissected a little. I wouldn't be mad at or blame a guy for discussing my bedroom performance with friends as I am guilty of it myself, I'd just prefer not to know about it. From what I can gather, very few men discuss their girlfriends in this manner with other men, only FWBs. Mostly now if I'm going to discuss a guy I'm with it won't go any further than 'yeah it was an amazing night' and I definitely wouldn't share anything negative about them when they will be hanging out with my friends.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 At 25 she was on her phone with her friend first chance she got. Women do this and its no big deal until you make it one. I mean who really cares if her friends know your good in bed or what your penis looks like. Just know probably every girl you ever slept with has done the same thing. Not keeping your secret you asked her to keep is a different animal though. It was only 6 weeks in so I don't think you should have been sharing secrets that were really important to you anyway. But you might have had your reasons. My answer is you can't trust her with big stuff. She has to earn it back. You have only been together 4 months. Would you give her your bank info? How about put her name on your house or car note? Its like you work for NASA and gave the new parking attendant top secret clearance. So keep in perspective. Give it time and let the trust grow.
Emilia Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Just know probably every girl you ever slept with has done the same thing. Nope! Again, not every woman is like this. Many of us are very private and respect privacy. 4
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 At 25 she was on her phone with her friend first chance she got. Women do this and its no big deal until you make it one. I mean who really cares if her friends know your good in bed or what your penis looks like. Just know probably every girl you ever slept with has done the same thing. There was a guy a few months back who told me spontaneously that he knows all women do this and doesn't mind what I tell my friends as long as he gets a good review... I was like... big-headed, much!? He was practically asking me to tell my friends how great in bed he was.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Nope! Again, not every woman is like this. Many of us are very private and respect privacy. I'm sure not every girl runs and tells every detail. Its natural to talk about sex with your friends. Its shocking to me that you have never discussed an encounter with your friends. Or they tell you things. Not once a OMG he was huge! Or you ever have a guy say this to you in the middle of it? Or wow it was amazing? Or I don't think its going to work the bedroom chemistry just isn't there. You didn't talk about your first time with your friends or they with you? My point to the OP was don't worry, it happens all the time. Just assume they are going to tell their friends everything and get over yourself a little. It shouldn't be a huge deal in my opinion.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I have to wonder, would you object to your partner sharing details about you, your body, etc. with his friends? I would not mind, my boyfriend has 2 best friends he's known for 25 years so I am pretty sure some of our intimacy details have been mentioned. Especially that one of these friends isa female so I am SURE she got some details out of him.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Anyway, not that I have a whole list of secrets but there is one thing I told her, maybe 6 weeks into dating, that I asked her to keep a secret Was that secret something important that needed to be disclosed in the relationship? If not, why chose to confine a secret in her? and so early in your relationship. To me, a boyfriend is not a 'friend and confident'. When I feel to share a secret I do so with my long time friends.
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