Rainbowx Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Hi, first time here, thank you in advance for reading My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while now, I was in America for a convention and we'd been friends online for a few years and weren't expecting to fall for each other. I met him and a lot of other friends I've known online for a long time, but sparks flew between me and this amazing man. I've been back there to stay with him a couple times and the most recent visit was for 45 days to sort of trial living together and how our relationship would be. It was incredible. Beyond incredible. Parting was the hardest thing ever for us, we couldn't stop crying, it was soul wrenching. When I got home I felt a little vulnerable for a few days and we talked about it, tried to return things to being as normal as possible before I went over there again for my own peace of mind and spirit. It was completely fine after that, until fast forward a couple of weeks. I was struggling financially for a few days because of issues with leaving/returning to my country and I was more than stressed out. He was a little bit insensitive about it without realizing and I guess I kind of snapped at him, we had I guess what you could call an argument? I'm not sure, we're really good at them, about discussing our feelings and understanding how the thing made the other feel and setting it right, but this time we didn't see eye to eye. Next day was just as miserable, I had difficulty coping with what had happened, I was hurt but we were trying to be okay. He didn't quite understand what I was feeling and he misunderstood what I was and the situation hurt my feelings even more. He says we're fine, that we're not just fine, that we're 150% fine and that we're amazing, and that I'm amazing and that he loves me, and that he misses me and all that stuff, but I'm still emotionally wounded from what happened for some reason. Something my heart just won't let go of, and I don't know how to make it stop because it's hurting me. I feel vulnerable and like a large chunk of our love in my heart was damaged or something. Some sort of insecurity thing. Has anyone had a lingering insecurity where you just feel vulnerable and needy for affection after a horrible argument? How did you deal with it? Does it go away? He totally understands my need for verbal affirmation right now because he can't be here right now to hold me and make things better, so I need to learn to do this by myself. Any advice or light on this subject would mean the world to me right now, I have to hold myself together for a few months until we can afford to move in together =] Thank you
TaraMaiden Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I suspect you're a very tactile person. You thrive on being physically connected to someone, and this guy more than most. Hang on until you see him again. When you find yourself face-to-face with him, talking will be much easier, and you'll be fine. What's exacerbating your emotional state at the moment, is the separation. You miss him.
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 LDRs are tough because you are missing that key element of being able to touch your SO. Talk or Skype Try to schedule some time to get together so you have something to look forward to .
justwhoiam Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 He says we're fine, that we're not just fine, that we're 150% fine and that we're amazing, and that I'm amazing and that he loves me, and that he misses me and all that stuff, but I'm still emotionally wounded from what happened for some reason. Something my heart just won't let go of, and I don't know how to make it stop because it's hurting me. I feel vulnerable and like a large chunk of our love in my heart was damaged or something. Some sort of insecurity thing. Has anyone had a lingering insecurity where you just feel vulnerable and needy for affection after a horrible argument? Definitely so. He just didn't see it coming. But I totally understand what you feel, because that happened to me too. To me it's very simple. He didn't acknowledge you were not fine. Not fine with the state of things. He probably had to sense it, if you were not as talkative as usual, or blue. He had to sense something was wrong. But if he doesn't, and you gave out some signals, I'm sure, even if you said you were OK, then that's where the problem stems. In turn, you start thinking "See? I'm here with this malaise and he didn't even care. Everything's fine on his side of the world, so must be the rest of the world........." and on with that kind of reasoning. And he's completely unaware of what is going on. But whatever it is, he disregarded it. And by disregarding it, it made you feel unimportant. That's what happens because of miscommunication and distance. How did you deal with it? Through trial and error. Not the best way, I guess, but you are lucky, since your separation will only last a few months, if I got that right. Does it go away? Yes, it does. But not on its own. he can't be here right now to hold me and make things better, so I need to learn to do this by myself. I don't think you have to comfort yourself and work it out by yourself. You can try it, but I doubt it will work. This is a relationship issue, and things can be better if both of you take actions to avoid those negative feelings to come back again, for whatever reason. In this case: 1) he can learn how to detect when you're feeling low 2) when you're feeling low, he should acknowledge that and not pretend that everything's more than fine in an attempt to cheer you up 3) in turn, you try to be more open with him and let him know how you feel 4) when you're feeling like that, he needs to know what to do (that varies from person to person, but you might need to spend some more time with him on the phone comforting you, or need something special from him, etc.) Any advice or light on this subject would mean the world to me right now, I have to hold myself together for a few months until we can afford to move in together =] Thank you I hope what I wrote can help you somehow. Another trick you should try is, whenever bad feelings come up, you start thinking of all the positive things about him, and that if he did or said something wrong, he surely didn't mean to hurt you. It might help if you ask him "Did you really mean that?" so that would give him some time to think if what he just said was meant as a joke, or just said in a hurry, etc. Communication is tougher when left to just words on a screen. Most of our communication is non verbal, so a lot goes missing.
Author Rainbowx Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thank you all for your advice so far, it's helped me a lot to feel better already. We do communicate very well, and we're on skype every night and have a great time and love our time together, it was just miserable the last few days as I couldn't shake off this feeling. I look forward to our future together and we can't wait to live with each other and we're both very lucky people to have each other =]
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