Any other sex abuse survivors who struggled with having affairs?

[z.is.4zebragirl]

Hi all. I have lurked around your community for months, soaking up your thoughts and comments. I am trying to find others who may be/have been in my shoes. I am an adult survivor of years of childhood molestation by my father. I fell right into the statistical norm...smoking at 12, drugs and drinking by 14, pregnant at 15, married at 16. 22 years later, I am still married to the same man. We have managed to make a decent life together despite our rough start.Our marriage has its issues of course (nobody has a 22 year marriage without issues) but my husband does not deserve this.

 

This being the horrifying, baffling, confusing addiction to affairs I have had over the course of our marriage. Sex feels good when it is hidden, secret, sneaky. My sex drive is very high (I was sexually trained from birth practically) and I was always happy to fulfill H needs whenever he wished, but found most of my satisfaction in external interactions, if you define satisfaction as being fulfilled sexually but also fulfilling my inherent need to feel dirty, guilt, or shame associated with sex. Each A, whether one night stand or long term, made me feel amazing. And awful.

 

Most recently I had a 4 year A with MM. We were never caught. There was a little suspicion on my husband's part, but our lives were so separate, our emotional connection so deteriorated, that there was never any real notice paid to my distance, absences, or distraction. The lies and sneaking felt good at first, but MM was very conflicted by our affair and the roller coaster of highs and lows with him nearly emotionally destroyed me.

 

Recently I moved halfway across the country to finally end it with MM, and possibly H. H and I spent 3 months doing more talking than we had done in the previous 3 years combined, although we did not discuss my affair. He asked, I literally could not make the words come out of my mouth. Silence and hiding are bred into the fiber of my being, although I think he knew the truth from my silence yet H decided to move to join me.

 

I would love to hear from any other abuse survivors who have experienced the feeling of needing to reject the love of their spouse, to deliberately choose actions that will harm themselves and their relationships, or anyone who has ever longed for a relationship that is damaging rather than one that is healthy. I am so over my past choices and behaviors. That is not the person I want to be, ever again. And yet...I feel the need again. The need to feel wanted, desired....used. If anyone has any constructive ideas, tips, websites or information to help me fend off these tendencies, I would appreciate you sharing with me.

[jnel921]

Have you ever gone to IC to deal with the sexual abuse you endured? It sounds like your behavior is based on that. How long were you abused? You may have to come to terms about how you felt about that.

 

Cheating on your H was a choice you made. These desires...are selfish. Learn how to deal with yourself and your issues and keep your H in a higher regard.

[No Limit]

I believe you need more serious help than a forum could give you. It appears to me that your view of sex is very... different than that of the majority. It's not something to steal and being used is far different from being wanted or desired (except as 'object' maybe).

Given your history with it it's not too much of a surprise either though.

I wonder if your partner's pain if he ever found out about these affairs would change that in you, but I doubt it. Being 'courageous' is probably not the best option for you at the moment, but be sure to get professional help.

[rumbleseat]

While I haven't been in your situation personally, as part of my work I have interviewed many women and men who have, and it can have some really long term ramifications on the rest of their life.

 

The people I interviewed were mostly victims who had been through a lot of therapy to deal with the aftermath of their abuse. One thing they all seemed to feel was for them, sex became equated with love and approval for the person who molested them, and this pattern was repeated in their adult relationships.

 

many said that it was a really insidious cycle. When they were molested, they felt guilty as if it was their fault. Some said they got some physical pleasure from being molested ( which makes sense, even if it was contact they didn't want, our bodies are built to respond that way), which made them feel even more confused and guilty, as if they somehow were asking to be abused and so it was their fault. This made their self esteem and sense of self worth even lower, and one thing that they pretty much all reported was engaging in behavior that was hurtful to themselves, as they felt they somehow deserved to be "punished' for their actions ( even thought they had done nothing wrong and none of the molestation was their fault). Some had grown up to feel that their only value was as an object of sexual gratification to someone else, so the more sex they had, the more "value' they had.

 

Having A's or being promiscuous were quite common, and one of the saddest thing I was told was from one man who said that the molestation had made him feel very empty and unloved and that he was using sex as a way to feel love, approval and a deep connection to someone else. He said that he would have sex with lots of women, but afterwards, instead of feeling better, he just felt worse as he was never able to find what he so desperately wanted.

 

One of the things that seemed very consistent was that therapy had been very helpful, as was joining a support group with other survivors of sexual abuse. They all said that when they were young, they had been told to keep their abuse a secret, and they felt very alone. One woman said that she felt like some kind of a "freak" and that there must have been something very wrong with her. Seeing that others had been through something similar and that they understood was so helpful to her. She realized she was not alone, and hearing from others about how they coped with relationsips and day to day life was really empowering, as was breaking the silence and letting the secret out.

 

Does your H know about what happened to you when you were younger? If not, I would suggest telling him, even it's really hard to talk about it. It might be helpful to do so with the help of a counselor who is trained in this area, as that way, you would have a support person there for the both of you if you need it.

 

In my own life, I wasn't molested, but my first romantic relationship was very abusive and I never realized how much it affected the rest of my life. i really thought I had put it behind me, but I hadn't. It wasn't until I opened up completely to my husband ( he knew it had been bad, but not how much) that I realized how much it was still impacting my life. He was surprised and very sad for me, and he told me that there were certain behaviors and reactions that I had that he hadn't understood, but now they made more sense.

 

For what it's worth, you sound like a person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, but you are hurting your M and mostly yourself. You don't deserve that. What happened to you was not your fault, you are a good person and you deserve to have a happy life. Don't give your abuser anymore opportunity to hurt you by letting the abuse continue to spoil your life and make you feel guilty. Be honest with your spouse and begin to find your self worth in ways beyond sex. I'm sure there is so much about you that is wonderful and amazing. Let those shine through. I would also highly suggest therapy for yourself and for you and your H. Your M can survive this of you both work at it.

 

Sorry this reply was so long. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Edited February 12, 2014 by rumbleseat

[amaysngrace]

It's probably a fear of intimacy that makes you seek external stimulation.

 

Read the book "The Courage To Heal" if you haven't already. You can order it online.

 

You deserve a fulfilling relationship with your husband that only true intimacy will bring.

 

I think seeing that you were molested by your dad, you may have a warped perception of what marriage should be because he cheated on your mom in a way, although what he did was much much more disturbing than infidelity alone.

 

One thing about the book though....please see a counselor who deals with rape before you begin reading it. You'll be dealing with a lot of pushed back thoughts and emotions and will definitely need a professional to help you deal with that.

 

XO

[janedoe67]

I agree with the need for IC. Yes, cheating is a choice regardless, but from what you went through with regard to abuse, I think a forum environment would be more damaging to you. There are already lots of things in your life and past that make you vulnerable and somewhat fragile. Forums might just break you; they almost did me.

[dichotomy]

Yes but no, quite the opposite. I kept worrying about getting hurt by someone I was with and put to much focus in to having to have security and trust and kept worrying about getting hurt. Not until recently did I realize that's life - and people - and not let it be my focus or worry.

[z.is.4zebragirl]

First, thank you all for your responses.

yes, I have tried therapy. Once in DCFS mandated group therapy when I reported my father when I turned 14 and got too old for him....and he switched to my little sister.

Once individually in my mid twenties. Unfortunately neither option seemed to help me much. I am an introverted processor, so what HAS seemed to help is learning, studying psychology, etc. I have already made huge changes, but can feel my "triggers" being activated. My hope in posting here was not to have someone here 'fix' me, but to learn how others have coped with obsessive desire for others, especially in relationships that are wrong. Many thanks to rumbleseat and amaysngrace, your replies were exactly what I was looking for.

[painfullyobvious]

I was not molested but my job also puts me into contact with victims of rape, childhood sexual abuse and traumatic live events. Depending on how the molestation occurred and age of first recalled onset makes a difference. You said you were classic so what I know of classic molestation victims is that there is a lot of secrecy, shame and being molded into a lifestyle. The abuser socializes their victims into a life of secrecy as a young child where they learn "what is expected", how to cope with the abuse and how to live a life of dishonesty and lies. How these victims view themselves in the family system shapes their view of themselves and sexuality.

 

An abuse victim learns that sex makes people feel good but to hide the behavior. This is confusing what is wrong and right early on. When the abuse is discovered the victim is often blamed by family members for the destruction of family. Abuse victims as they age begin to feel control over their a users confusing roles in a family again.

 

Abuse victims as they move into their own relationships begin mirroring their childhood; the abuse, the secrets, deviant sex, a need for thrilling sex (affairs, providing chaos in families, seeking unhealthy often abusive partners).

 

What happens often is victims need external gratification from others. They have learned maladaptive behaviors during childhood that sex is desired when everyone else was developing love, caring and acceptance. In an adult the sex is thrilling but the aftermath becomes scary. After sex a person is vulnerable, needs love and trust all of which is too much for a victim of abuse. As a child a victim was taught to shut up, keep secrets, lie be dishonest or ELSE!

 

Go get counseling and be honest in counseling. A victim often learns to have sex and run, escape or avoid until the next time. You are reenacting your childhood. You need to break this behavior for your family and learn to break this cycle of violence (any kids of your own).

 

This getting too long. You are craving love by the means you were taught (physically) and replaced your emotions of trust with fear, shame and scepticism about people. You need reassurance from everyone but only know how to please others through sex. Getting to actually know people is too scary and opens yourself to vulnerability.

 

You are addicted to your perceived feelings of love. Don't cut on yourself or do drugs or chemicals. Get help. Above poster was right your needs are above this forum.

[Spark1111]

I don't think anyone here is trying to fix you.

 

only you can do that for yourself.

 

Why would you prefer secret sex with STD-carrying strangers, possibly violent or crazed characters, many by your own account, to the love of one good man?

 

Don't you believe you are worthy of him?

 

because until you achieve self-love and stop fearing true intimacy, you will not be eroticized by monogamy. You will be bored by it because you will not allow yourself the trust necessary to experience glorious pass ion with one partner.

 

you will always be guarded, a little distant, and a little bored.

 

secret sex with strangers is emotionally a risk-free adventure. nothing is ventured emotionally so nothing is risked. CAN'T HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN.

 

I believe you have intimacy issues, not sexual ones. And how you choose to handle that for the rest of your life is up to you.

 

Without counseling where you bare your heart and soul and stop intellectualizing it all as if it happened to someone else is the only route I can see to stopping your triggers for secret sex and begin to authentically participate fully in your marriage.

[learning to love my]

I do share some similarities, I was molested by my uncle and my first memory was at about 5 years old, he also did this to his daughter. I don't remember everything just bits and pieces.

 

 

This does shape the choices you make, I too equated love and sex as the same thing, I did heavy drugs by the age of 12 dropped out of school by 15, had a boyfriend who was mentally, physically and sexually abusive from 12-22, I ended up having an abortion as it was demanded of me at 15 by my boyfriend, (so much more).

 

 

My parents were not made aware of the molestation until about 7 years ago and I'm now 45.

 

 

Most of the things that happened in my youth have shaped the adult I have become. I married the man who pulled me from my abusive ex-boyfriend and we got pregnant 6 months into knowing each other.

 

 

I am a broken woman and I work everyday to understand why I make the choices I make. I ended up having an affaire on my husband almost 3 years ago, I went looking to have sex with anyone who would have me.

 

 

At the time I felt unloved by my husband, he had withdrawn from having any form on sex with me and my attempts to tell him and show him that I needed him were not met.

 

 

After many years of loneliness something within me broke and I just didn't care who I hurt. Simply put I equate love and sex and I was not getting loved...

 

 

My husband did find out and it has been one hell of a rocky road that I believe most people on either side of this would have walked away from, I'm determined to be better than what I allowed myself to become.

 

 

It is a fight within myself as all of the behaviors you describe are in me as well.

[VeronicaRoss]

I think it's brave that you've posted here seeking others like you because yes, a lot of people are going to try to shame your secretive behavior. Give it up folks, she already knows it's bad, in fact seeking out and getting shamed can simply provide an addict more excuse to act out. So you're feeding the issue, not helping. Sounds like she's got an addiction. It's a different ball of wax.

 

I wasn't physically molested but experienced what a therapist called 'emotional incest'. There isn't a time I can't remember porn around our house, my parents had an open marriage and were probably both sex addicts. Dad was addicted to affairs and talked to me as if I were an adult about them from the time I can remember. My body was evaluated by my step-father on an ongoing basis, he did that to most women around him. I was told by my dad 'have sex, but don't fall in love with them since that will just get you hurt'. Even though I always knew he was full of it, it did have an effect.

 

My life style was more serial monogamy up until I was 40. I didn't have affairs, I left instead. I had no real interest in normal family life, but wanted the high of love and romance and kids thinking that was what love was, I just needed to find the high that would last. Now happily married, I struggle with connecting my sexuality (which for me should be of the intense new love variety) to long-term love, it's an ongoing game I play to figure out how to open up and I'm having success, but it takes work. I completely understand your temptations, I can see where if I had been physically abused I could have taken it there too.

 

What changed my life was after a horrible relationship with a sex addict in my mid-30s I went to 12 step groups for co-sex addicts, codependency groups. I hit gold because my sponsor didn't buy into the victimization crap of sitting around and focusing on how bad the addict is. She helped me understand what parts of my behavior come from being raised by addicts, and that I could counter those with my own adult power and behavior. I made recovery very tangible and small acts of doing things differently. That's when I realized how my parent's sex addictions affected me and why my judgement and beliefs were not giving me the life I thought I wanted, but I had the power to change my thinking and actions. Totally changed my life in every way.

 

You need peers, a group of people around you who experience what you do, can relate and you can learn from. Trust me, there is nothing you have experienced or thought that someone else hasn't either, someone who is actively recovering. There are all kinds of sex and romance addiction groups and therapists. I am a big believer in peers and sponsors. They will spot your going into dangerous areas and call you on it. Therapists can help but for me it's really hit and miss and I wouldn't make one source of anything your recovery: read books, join groups, get sponsors, get a therapist.

Edited February 14, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[Oberfeldwebel]

The things that were done to you as a child are horrible, horrible things and obviously are going to affect your entire life. However, there are many people that have been abused that have not cheated on their spouse, so it is not beyond your control. You seem to have decided that you are excused from affairs because of the child abuse. The devil made me do it, theory. You father did a horrendous thing, you are not responsible for the abuse. You need to tell yourself that every morning, noon and night. You are however responsible for your actions against your husband and marriage, you need to own the affairs.

 

Your husband probably already knows, but refuses to acknowledge, for fear you would leave. You really haven't revealed much of your relationship, but many folks in his situation blame themselves for their spouses transgressions. Staying in the marriage is your decision, but to have a real marriage, you need to start by being honest with your husband and yourself.

[seren]

As someone posting from the other side of the fence, having survived years of SA, my husband's A totally wiped me out. I had very real trust issues and when I married my husband I gave him my greatest gift. That of complete and utter trust with me, not the smoke and mirrors me that the rest of the world saw, but the vulnerable, fearful of hurt and betrayal me. For over 23 years he took care of that, so much so that when he had the A my world fell apart. I had a really bad time trying to make sense of everything, feelings from all those years ago got mixed up with feelings of the A. It has been a long hard road to get it all together again.

 

The loss of trust and the realisation of what he did has hit my H so hard, yes he had the A, but the effects of the A have affected us both. Yet, 6 and a half years later here we are, happy, wishing our marriage didn't have an A as part of its history, but we had to either work through it together, or separate and deal with the A as well as the loss of us alone. That I was abused has affected my whole life, I cannot relate to having an A, but I can relate to seeking love and acceptance through sex. I hope you come to realise that sex is a very small part of a relationship, that trust, security, laughter and feeling safe is possibly far more fulfilling in the long term. I often read here about people making sex the main issue when talking about relationships and think that if that is all there is, then they surely haven't found that one relationship that will complete them

 

I hope you find peace with yourself, if the long term effects of your experiences mean that you feel the need to be loved (as do we all), but that that need outweighs the needs of the person who trusts , then maybe you need support to talk it through. it took a long time for me to see that sharing my heart, trust and love was a gift to the other person, far to precious to share with someone who doesn't recognise that and put you first.