latexyankee Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It was extremely intense emotionally for both of us. We sat in each others arms and cried, held each other, talked for hours. She moved her stuff out Saturday and came back Saturday night and spent the night and half the day on Sunday. We both agreed that we did not want this to really end this way. She said she wanted to work on it. But time...any time away is idle time. I knew she would be flip flopping in a matter of days. 2 to be exact. She is saying I'm not sure if we can do this...then it's "I'm going to sign a lease by Friday and we can work this. If it works out it does, if it doesn't we can say we tried." Only to come back a few hours and text: "I don't think this will work, we will enjoy our time alone too much." I know her emotions are out of control, so are mine and I foresaw this happening. I'm just not sure how or if I should respond in this very fragile time. Obviously I want it work, we both have children that are very attached to each other and the love/raw passion is there. I am at fault for alot and I can recognize that. We moved in too fast, I didnt realize how much effort is needed to be put forth in order to make that work. It's much harder than living separately. So I havent responded to her last few texts that were "I'm not sure if I want to talk anymore today...and "Things are changing, I can feel it, I didn't think it would be this quick, I'm sorry." I know she is doing this for the most part to test me and see how I respond, she also told me she has plans tonight and wont be coming home so we may have to talk tomorrow. When I do respond I'll say things like.."its ok, I understand or "All i can do is support your decision if you really want to try and give this a shot." I have made sure to not reply sounding devastated or desperate(even though I obviously am) but she is starting to attempt to make me angry or respond in a way that sounds like me begging. She's angry and has every right to be, I was a selfish prick. But I wonder if I should go cold for a few days unless she suggests us talking or meeting, or just keep replying (on a significant delay) that I understand and it's ok. I know in my heart that it most likely will not work out due to past experiences but If she is willing to give it a shot and just date, take it slow and remember the reason were in love, I feel I should try that. My fear is the classic story.....after a few weeks she just says too much has happened. Damn, why do we fall in love?
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Despite the emotion of the split, once you get into the NC frame of mind and can stick with it, it can the most emotional break-up in the world, and the same NC rules apply, with the same efforts to maintain it. You simply ignore, 100%, all attempts by your ex to engage you. Regardless of the reasons for the split, if there are no children involved, the practice is exactly the same.
Author latexyankee Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Spoke too soon she just popped by to say there's no chance. so that's that This is gonna be a hard one, lots of guilt here. Going to be hard to forgive myself, I feel like I've failed my daughter.
Author latexyankee Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Sorry to post another thread on roughly the same subject but so much happened in the past few hours. So she was moving out and over the course of 2 nights while it happened we both lost ourselves to one another. I mean the most emotional intense experience we've both ever had. At least she agreed so Sunday afternoon she finally left and says she wanted to work on it, that she will take things slow and we would go out next Sunday. Then she texts me all night about how wonderful the past few days have been and she cant wait until Sunday and we really have a shot at making this work. I tell her to think clearly and think positive. So today she starts texting me with doubts which I knew would come. Then she asks to come over tonight to talk. I'm figuring this is the definitive BU speech. So she gets here and asks me if I've anything to say. I didnt really know what exactly she wanted to talk about but I figured it was a BU. I tell her everything I've been saying since the weekend and how much I love her yada..yada..that I would do anything to make it work. She begins with the doubts and negative talk. I counter with the typical "yes we can" and trying to keep the feelings alive. she finally says she cannot do it anymore it is over gets her coat and leaves. 20 minutes later I am getting texts about how I blew it and she was fully prepared to come back but I did not show enough emotion. That I didn't try and stop her from leaving so the nail in the coffin is my fault. I wanted us to think for a few days to a week about our relationship and possibly build upon the previous weekend. I guess she thought she would walk in to rose petals and massage oil. I was preparing for the BU speech. She had made very negative points over text before she asked to come over. I didn't make much eye contact and there was no physical contact even though we were right next to each other. I just wanted to let her talk and not try to take advantage of emotions or any vulnerability that was in the air. I wanted us to TALK about what we just went through and I thought the weekend spoke for itself ( it's been 2 damn days!) I did not want to grab her and kiss her and smother her into staying. And when she said it's over and left, she nowblames me for not stopping her saying if tried harder tonight this wouldn't have happened. Tell me I'm not nuts? I did the right thing yes? That weird feeling is starting to creep up inside of me telling me I blew it. I thought the fact that I respected her decision and let go showed I really did love her. I told her I really want you to be happy and whatever you think is best I will support you. The fact I didnt try to take advantage of emotionally charged situation tells me I love her more than she can really see. I've begged before, it's not a good look and all she would've remembered me by. I really think she is trying to make herself feel better and lesson the guilt of being the dumper, by telling I had a chance and it's my fault. Also I feel like she is trying to crush me inside as well. Tell me I'm not crazy. Did I really mess this one up? Edited February 12, 2014 by latexyankee
Zahara Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You're not crazy. It's easier for her to blame you than come clean about how she really feels -- that would mean she would have to deal with a ton of guilt. Why do that when she can make it look like it was all your fault.
Author latexyankee Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 You're not crazy. It's easier for her to blame you than come clean about how she really feels -- that would mean she would have to deal with a ton of guilt. Why do that when she can make it look like it was all your fault. Well alot of the failed relationship was my fault. I've owned up to that with her and myself and I've much work to do. But thank you, I was starting to doubt myself. I truly love this woman and the way I see it....real love=true unselfishness. Real love=putting another's feelings above your own. and that is what I was trying to do. If she feels it's better for herself and her child to go, then I was willing to accept that. Because I love them both so dearly.
Trep Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You played it exactly how you should have. She's the crazy one. The whole point of meeting in those situations is to talk it out. Instead she wanted you to put on a show and dance for her and play stupid games rather then get to the core of the problem and work on fixing it. You did nothing wrong.
OhThatGirl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Well alot of the failed relationship was my fault. I've owned up to that with her and myself and I've much work to do. How was it your fault? If you cheated, neglected her, disregarded her I can see how saying "whatever you want to do" might be a twist of the knife. If you've done something incredibly bad, betrayed her for example, and she was honestly just giving you a chance to show her you do in fact love her and want to fight for her but then you just sat there and didn't.. I can see her side. If there is a history of her wanting more from you and you not giving, I think her feelings are probably valid. BUT if this isn't the issue and she HAS felt fulfilled by your commitment/attention then it's likely just her using this as a way to disregard her guilt and make it your fault. So it just depends. You were in the relationship. IS it crazy? We know you say you didn't want to manipulate an emotionally volatile situation but what is HER take on things? Had she been asking you to tell/show her you really wanted this relationship? Was the negative tone of her messages because she felt you werent giving her the effort she needed? I think a common mistake on LS is assuming relationships end for the same reason: the dumper stops caring and wants out. No one really acknowledges the relationships where the dumper wants and wants and wants and finally after not getting what they need, decide to leave rather than continue feeling unfulfilled. The way to handle these different situations varies greatly. So tell us, which is it? She stopped caring and is ready to move on or she's just trying to preserve her feelings and quit asking for what you haven't been able to give? Edited February 12, 2014 by OhThatGirl
Author latexyankee Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 How was it your fault? If you cheated, neglected her, disregarded her I can see how saying "whatever you want to do" might be a twist of the knife. If you've done something incredibly bad, betrayed her for example, and she was honestly just giving you a chance to show her you do in fact love her and want to fight for her but then you just sat there and didn't.. I can see her side. If there is a history of her wanting more from you and you not giving, I think her feelings are probably valid. BUT if this isn't the issue and she HAS felt fulfilled by your commitment/attention then it's likely just her using this as a way to disregard her guilt and make it your fault. So it just depends. You were in the relationship. IS it crazy? We know you say you didn't want to manipulate an emotionally volatile situation but what is HER take on things? Had she been asking you to tell/show her you really wanted this relationship? Was the negative tone of her messages because she felt you werent giving her the effort she needed? I think a common mistake on LS is assuming relationships end for the same reason: the dumper stops caring and wants out. No one really acknowledges the relationships where the dumper wants and wants and wants and finally after not getting what they need, decide to leave rather than continue feeling unfulfilled. The way to handle these different situations varies greatly. So tell us, which is it? She stopped caring and is ready to move on or she's just trying to preserve her feelings and quit asking for what you haven't been able to give? It was the latter, she felt neglected and was trying to protect her feelings and save herself. I understand that, I was selfish and neglectful. This was my first relationship where I really lived with another ( signed a lease together). I didnt realize how much more work is involved on a day to day basis. Not that it should have been hard...but it is hard. To remember there is always someone else around and your day to day selfish actions or habits can effect others in ways you don't account for. It was basically the little things that we take forgranted. She never forgot to ask about my day or give me a quick kiss....I did. But I understand what I did wrong and I kniow she's hurt and she acted in a way to make me hurt. It's ok, I just wanted reassurance that I did the right thing, I felt that if she had to go I would fight but I would let her go if she thinks she will have a better future without me. To me that IS love.
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