harimad Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I've been seeing a guy I met on OLD for nearly two months now, about 1-2x a week (and yes, we have had sex). After our first date, I saw that he had deactivated his profile. That really surprised me, and I asked him about it, and he said he did it because he had a really great date (me). A few weeks later, I deactivated mine, even though he never asked me to. We haven't had the exclusive talk, but I figured it would happen soon. Well, today, I was checking my ghost account to look at a funny profile my friend sent me (we have an email threat with crazy/funny OLD experiences). I decided to look up his old account ... I've probably done this a couple times since we started dating, but never got a result. Today, I got a result. He's reactivated his account. And he was online today. I'm not sure what to think or do. Part of me wants to confront him about it. My friend thinks I should turn mine back on so he'll see that I've done so, but I feel like that's game-playing. Part of me also thinks I should just ignore it - after all, we haven't had the exclusive talk yet. But I did think we were going that direction. Thoughts? Advice?
sweet05 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Hi, I would just talk to him about it. You should have the conversation if you guys are exclusive or not, you've been dating for enough time to ask.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Dating for 2 months & you are intimate, I think you get to have a talk about the parameters of your relationship. If you want to be exclusive, discuss it. I wouldn't mention the OLD thing or checking his profile. If what he says doesn't jive with what you know, you have some unpleasant decisions ahead. 1
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It may be something as simple as he is giving serious thought to becoming exclusive with you soon. He might have been checking to see if your profile was up? But more likely hes looking out there double checking that your the one he wants. Think of it like buying a car. You narrow your decision down to two models. You have pretty much decided on one but before you sign you want to take a quick look at that other car one more time to be sure. Its just an analogy to give you an idea of what he might be thinking. Obviously, your not a car but he is choosing between one woman and being single. On the more devious side. He is kinda done and figured out your not what he wants. So hes going to keep you around for sex and fun until he finds a new girl. This seems unlikely as your intuition hasnt picked up on it. My advice, is relax and stop cyber stalking him its creepy. If you really want to be exclusive ask him if hes been with anyone else since you have been intimate. Ask if he still wants to sleep with other woman. He may or may not lie but you should get your answer quickly. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I've been seeing a guy I met on OLD for nearly two months now, about 1-2x a week (and yes, we have had sex). After our first date, I saw that he had deactivated his profile. That really surprised me, and I asked him about it, and he said he did it because he had a really great date (me). A few weeks later, I deactivated mine, even though he never asked me to. We haven't had the exclusive talk, but I figured it would happen soon. Well, today, I was checking my ghost account to look at a funny profile my friend sent me (we have an email threat with crazy/funny OLD experiences). I decided to look up his old account ... I've probably done this a couple times since we started dating, but never got a result. Today, I got a result. He's reactivated his account. And he was online today. I'm not sure what to think or do. Part of me wants to confront him about it. My friend thinks I should turn mine back on so he'll see that I've done so, but I feel like that's game-playing. Part of me also thinks I should just ignore it - after all, we haven't had the exclusive talk yet. But I did think we were going that direction. Thoughts? Advice? Why not send him an email from your ghost account to see how he responds? OR tell him someone saw him on there. Does he know your friends are online dating?
mammasita Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 As I get older.....I get more "old skool". I prefer to have the exclusive talk before sex. Why give up the goodies and wonder if he's still on the dating site? Too much to worry about. That said, at two months, it's a good time to bring it up. I agree that just re-activating your account is playing games. Just have the talk with him and see what happens. 2
Author harimad Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I'm seeing him tonight, and haven't totally formulated my strategy for discussing this. But, I am now wondering, as was suggested, that he was either a) looking up my profile, or b) "checking around". The last time I saw him, a couple days ago, I expressed that I wanted to have a conversation about our expectations of each other during his upcoming two-week business trip. The last time he was away, very soon after we started dating, we didn't talk much, and I was hoping that we could increase our communication this time since we've been dating longer. (I warned him in advance as he's an introvert, and I know that many introverts like to ruminate on serious topics ahead of time.) So, it is possible that set him off thinking about getting more serious with me and that led him to reactivate his profile for one of the above reasons —*or because he plans to end it with me. I will find out tonight, I guess! I'm just deciding between: 1. All cards on table: "So, I'm not sure if you're seeing other people. I'm not interested in dating anyone else, but I'd like to be on the same page. What do you think?" 2. More enigmatic: "Are you seeing other people? I'm curious so we can be on the same page about that."
cif Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Talk to him but don't bring up the dating site. He'll wonder if/why you're stalking. There really is only one reason to be on an OLD site. ETA .. option#2 1
SunnySide0418 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 If he just went on to check if you've been on he would deactivate it again right away. Have you checked again to see if he's done that? And I would say scenario #1 ...
Author harimad Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Nope, he hasn't deactivated. And he's online again right now! One last check before our date tonight?
devilish innocent Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I vote for number 1. Why make it sound as though you don't care when you do? For all you know, he could be seeing other people because he feels you don't seem serious enough. Probably not, but you never know. I just don't see any reason to hide your intentions. Besides if he agrees to be exclusive but continues to be active on his profile, then you'll know he's up to something. It's better than giving him a simple out if his original plan was to cheat.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I didn't know you spooked him with that heads up a few days ago. Nothing scares a man like a woman saying we need to have a talk soon. Yikes!! He probably thinks the ultimatum is coming tonight. I feel bad for him. You put the squeeze on him, he panicked, you stalked him, and now hes walking into a bear trap. Poor guy. LOL I'd say go out have a great time! Go home and have the wildest craziest sex you have ever had. Then when its all over tell him hes so good you cant imagine sleeping with other men since you met him. Hes gonna tell you he hasnt slept with anyone either and boom your exclusive without all the tense **** or get off the pot drama.
Author harimad Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I was just trying to communicate with him in his preferred manner. We had a minor dust-up the other week when I brought up another topic. He hemmed and hawed for awhile and was very flustered. He said he was really taken aback by my bringing up the topic. He apologized for the hemming and hawing, and period of silence, because he wasn't prepared to discuss it. He said he usually likes to think about things in advance. That jived with what I know about introverts (I have friends who are the same way). So, it wasn't an ultimatum thing. I didn't say "we need to communicate more while you're away or else." I said, very nicely, that I'd like to talk about it. I worded it in an open-ended fashion, with absolutely no hint of judgement. As for tonight, I'm not going to pounce on him. I'll wait for an appropriate moment - when we're in good moods, have settled into conversation, are in a private place, and with some segue.
Phantom888 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Reactivating account means he is looking for other options. He doesn't consider you to be the only one he wants to date. He was really into you 2 months ago, but now he has a change of mind. Why are you having to guess so much after being together for 2 months and sleeping together? The exclusivity talk is completely fabricated by selfish *******s who uses this protocol in order to cheat justifiably. I mean, he thinks he can date other women as long as you never had the exclusivity talk. This is complete B.S.!! Wouldn't it be nice to date someone and never have to worry about the exclusivity bull? Well, believe it or not, genuinely decent/caring men only date one woman at a time, and sex automatically implies exclusivity. Bet you didn't know that. 5
KatZee Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 We had a minor dust-up the other week when I brought up another topic. He hemmed and hawed for awhile and was very flustered. He said he was really taken aback by my bringing up the topic. He apologized for the hemming and hawing, and period of silence, because he wasn't prepared to discuss it. He said he usually likes to think about things in advance. That jived with what I know about introverts (I have friends who are the same way). Soooo.... I'm not sure why you're correlating the "hemming and hawing" with introverts, I would know because I used to be one up until the past couple of years or so. Even though I would be shy about talking about feelings, I either had feelings, or I didn't. If you've been seeing this guy for 2 months, having sex with him and he HASN'T brought up exclusivity, and now he's back trolling the OLD site? This isn't because he's an introvert. It's because he doesn't see you as girlfriend material. He's "hemming and hawing" because he DOES know what he's feeling, but is not ready to drop that bomb yet. Introvert or not, no one needs to "think in advance" whether they want to be with you or not. They either know they want to take it to the next level, or they know they don't. This is a guy simply riding the wave until something better comes along. That's my take on it. 2
Tina747 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Yes, I agree to speak with him about it... but I would brace yourself as this is not a good sign. A guy who really, really likes you wouldn't risk this. Jut my thoughts. 1
what_a_blonde Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Dating for 2 months & you are intimate, I think you get to have a talk about the parameters of your relationship. If you want to be exclusive, discuss it. I wouldn't mention the OLD thing or checking his profile. If what he says doesn't jive with what you know, you have some unpleasant decisions ahead. Agree. Until you've had the talk, you really can't hold him to never logging into his profile again. Don't mention you noticed he logged on... but I would ask him about exclusivity asap if that is what you want. This way you don't get any farther in and get hurt.
what_a_blonde Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Reactivating account means he is looking for other options. He doesn't consider you to be the only one he wants to date. He was really into you 2 months ago, but now he has a change of mind. Why are you having to guess so much after being together for 2 months and sleeping together? The exclusivity talk is completely fabricated by selfish *******s who uses this protocol in order to cheat justifiably. I mean, he thinks he can date other women as long as you never had the exclusivity talk. This is complete B.S.!! Wouldn't it be nice to date someone and never have to worry about the exclusivity bull? Well, believe it or not, genuinely decent/caring men only date one woman at a time, and sex automatically implies exclusivity. Bet you didn't know that. This is an awesome statement above. I like it so much I seriously might use it as my signature line... and I'll give you credit, of course. Glad to see there are still people around who have values like this. Thank you for making my night lol.
Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 When a man is really into someone they never go to online dating website again. 1
HappyLove Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 This is why OLD sucks. Women get happy because he "took his profile down", please it takes two seconds to put that puppy back up. So then you're in this false sense of security. And then the men have the grass is greener mentality or decides after getting the goods they'll just log back on for the next clueless chick without any regards to your feelings because, hey you weren't exclusive anyway. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Author harimad Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 In case any of you are interested in an update: Before the guy left for his work trip, we met up and I broached the question of whether he was seeing anyone else. He said he wasn't, and we agreed to be exclusive. But after one great phone call while he was away, he flaked/tried to reschedule our second call. And last night, I checked his OLD profile again. He updated it with new photos. One of which is very recent (I can tell from his haircut). So. Yup. That's that. He texted me last night but I didn't respond. He texted again this morning asking if I was alive, and I merely said, "Yes." I'm ruminating on what I want to say and how I want to say it. I'm definitely walking away, but I want to be rational and purposeful about it. 1
mammasita Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I'd say something like "I was under the impression that being exclusive meant you weren't looking for others on <insert dating site here> anymore" and then enjoy his reaction. Meh. What a waste of your time. 1
Zahara Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Agrees to be exclusive and then updates his profile? He's not even worth a response, let alone a well thought out response. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Tell him that exclusivity doesn't include having an active OLD profile, and be done with him. He isn't being honest with you; not worth your time. And the others were right - being an introvert has nothing to do with not knowing your feelings about someone or needing time to "ruminate" on them. Next time your gut tells you something isn't right, listen to it.
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