CapturedMemories Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Hi All, I'm new here so this is kind of an introduction as well. I'll try to keep it short and clear to get a bit of overview. My first real love came into my life when I was 19. We were in a relationship for about 4-5yrs knowing, that we wanted to go real serious. Made future plans until I found out he had cheated on me twice during my vacations with friends. This was nearly 4 years later down the line. We tried but things went down hill and got worse everyday it seemed. We lived together as I went to work straight after High School. After we (actually him mostly) basically agreed it was best to end it and move on, I went back living with my mom turned my life upside down and went back to college fulltime. I decided to do me and not focus on any relationship or men at all. My self esteem went -100 and I swore to not date anyone until at least after my degree. I picked back up life and learned how to slowly re-love myself or better said how to learn to be single. I knew I was over him when I got a postcard asking me how I been, I didn't reply and never contacted him again. About a year before graduation I got to know this man (A) through a site. This was a complicated situation as it wasn't an ordinary site or ''standard'' LDR. We started off as friends for over a year I was in the middle of graduation and got a job offered where I had my internship. A new step for me to take when it came to independence and I then got my own place. We agreed to take baby steps especially me, no expectations no dissapointments. I decided to go see him twice, met his family and surprisingly we hit it off well until 3 years later he confessed something that set me back completely (no cheating but involving a kid that he hid from me in the first place) I was totally shocked and his reasons were his fear of me rejecting him knowing he had another child. He looked up to me for what I've accomplished so far in life and thought I'd take a hike knowing his truth. I couldn't deal with the fact that he lied, even if it didnt involve another woman. We took a step back. I moved on came back to my senses and met this awesome ''new guy'' (far friend of one of my male friends), I told him I just got out of an intense and complicated relationship. I was honest telling A the same that there was somebody and maybe was best to move on. He complained at first but let me go. After about 8 months and a couple of dates with ''new guy'' we came to realize there was this missing ''wow'' thing but both were OK to continue as friends. I got back in touch with ''A'' when he got home after 2 weeks. Prior to that his mom contacted me telling me ''A'' had been asking for me as he hadn't heard back anymore. I was shocked and needed time and space, they agreed. I got hit right back in the face and heart with past feelings. Clearly I had not moved on yet. I contacted him on FB and the ball started rolling like nothing ever happened. The 6h time difference was hard, but I made time whenever I could to talk. He got closer to my mom/fam and friends too and vice versa. Made plans to go see him come April. I had to let go of ''new guy'' as A didnt like me being just friends with somebody I tried to work something with before. Then the mess started. We both got our own lives and combining and commitment was a whole different thing for ''A''. I felt we drifted apart until about 2 weeks ago I had this strange gut feeling something wasn't right. He sounded off, acting strange finding excuses not to be home to talk to me. I ended up at times canceling my friends to talk to him to find no one on the other side of skype. To a point he out of the blue blamed me for wanting to label things, whereas I was the one wanting baby steps at first. But him wanting this full blown relationship back. He even insisted me on doing me and come in April and then decide if it was really what I wanted. I mean...come again? I asked him right away, if there was somebody else. He said his life was too complicated at the moment and our relationship stressed him out too much. Then left me with a message saying he will come back when he got himself right because I would always have that special place and he will always love me. I felt another punch in the face but blind to see what was coming next. I left him alone until he sent me a message on Facebook saying he still got pictures that he was going to send back and threw right in my face that he was going to work something out with another girl he met when things went wrong with us and said he was blessed to have met me and wished the best for me. Out of the blue out of nowhere! BAM goodbye me. I cut him off my Facebook including his family. At first I wanted to know who he met but came to think... This is where my ''defense mechanism'' got activated. I didn't cry, I didn't curse, I didn't call him nasty names, nothing. I didn't feel, I became steel . It's been 2 weeks and I'm still as cold no emotions and doing what I always did, work, friends and family. I am starting to doubt if this mechanism is doing me any good at all because I am getting scared it will take it's toll on me later down the line. I feel a sword stabbed in my heart but it doesn't produce tears like it should. My friends tell me I'm allowed to curse to cry to ball my eyes out until I pass out, but I can't? I'm starting to feel I've created a cold me. I've bubbled up real bad. The saddest part of everything is the ''new guy'' I spoke and seen for the last time, that was a while back shortly after I got in touch with ''A'', he's warned me telling me don't do it he is going to break you again. And he was right. I'm mad at myself put a pure person aside for this new failure in my life that took me years to get here. I'm so back at square one. I am hurt of course I am, I loved the man. But maybe, just maybe it was only a confirmation of my gut being my best friend that makes it easier for me to deal with? Compared to the first relationship where I was a total wreckage this one hits me so differently. I'm so sorry this is one big wall of text but does anyone recognize this mechanism? How did you all cope?
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