jnr586 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Hi all. Thanks in advance for listening. Met my current girlfriend last April through mutual friends. I wasn't looking for anyone really, and she wasn't either, particularly as she was moving 400 miles away in June. But Cupid has his ways, we hit it off and I think we both fell hard. I was never head over heels but I was really into her after the first two months that I didn't want distance to get in our way. She moved and we continued dating. We see each other about once a month and we talk every day. She has a busy job and-as things tend to happen- I feel we drifted apart. We've both been good about tending to each other. I wouldn't say our relationship is passionate but sexually and personally we are quite compatible. I just feel like our relationship hasn't progressed much since June (8 months!) while the first two months progressed super fast (but not too fast... a good fast, for me). Anyways, she has been applying to graduate programs (her plan all along) and initially I was under the impression that she wanted to come back to the university in the town where I live. It isn't the most solid program for her field but I thought that she wanted to come 'home' and be closer to me. As the application process progressed through the fall and winter she began expanding her 'search' to better programs across the country. In my opinion I really wanted us to be in the same city to find out if we really are meant to be because distance has taken its toll on me at least. At the same time, I did not want to discourage her career dreams and make her potentially sacrifice them for a relationship that I couldn't be certain about. It made me feel selfish. I'm not one to hold grudges, but I was a little hurt and/or alarmed that she never sought my opinion. Fast forward to a few days ago and it turns out she didn't get into *any* of the programs she applied to, including the one in my town, which shocked me because she is extremely intelligent and qualified but that is a different story. Not surprisingly, she was devastated. She is now plotting her next move. A few grad programs have had unexpected openings (not uncommon) and she is being courted for some of them. None are particuarly close to me- the nearest being about 600 miles away. Some are over 2000 miles away. I want to be supportive of her aspirations but I am frustrated with myself or perhaps both of us for failing to address the implications of prolonged distance, because I can't do it. I'm not even certain we could do it if we lived in the same place, but I don't want to dismiss a good thing. I don't want to make her choose between me and her career, particularly because she's had a bad week to begin with. And I don't want to blindside her if she chooses a farway program and then I drop this bomb on her. She could get a good job with her current qualifications in my town or at least nearby if she really wanted to, but she has never brought this up. In her defense, she is 5 years younger than me (27 vs. 32). I think she is not as bothered by the distance. Her job is much busier than mine (as early upward-moving career jobs are) so I also think she doesn't notice the distance as much. She talks about future plans (trips, vacations, etc., as if it's OK to go on like this indefinitely). If we can't make it in a relationship, I would like to at least maintain a friendship because I think she is a wonderful person. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I think I could be- I think I once was- but I need to see her on a daily basis and to incorporate her into my regular life to figure that out. We have never said 'I love you' to each other as it's a statement that I don't take lightly (I don't think she does either). I don't want to screw this up. Thoughts? Sorry it's so long-winded. I appreciate any input.
justwhoiam Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I think I could be- I think I once was- but I need to see her on a daily basis and to incorporate her into my regular life to figure that out. That to me is a good enough reason to NOT be with her. Let alone the practical issues, those could be worked out just through some talking and seeing if you have the same goals.
Author jnr586 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I see what you mean, but does that mean I should just let her go? Is it wrong of me to ask her to move closer to me? Do people in similar situations ever fall back in love or is the spark permanently extinguished? Any guesses as to what she may be thinking? Thank you for your reply.
justwhoiam Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 does that mean I should just let her go? Yes. Is it wrong of me to ask her to move closer to me? Yes. I'd say no if you were head over heels in love with her. I'd never let real love come second place to work or study. Because first, I'd make sure the other person is comfortable enough about anything coming next, or we would find a good solution together. When I was younger, I had to move to Paris for a few months for work and study, but I got engaged and canceled those plans. I found another job locally, and that didn't prevent me to go to Paris anyway, I went there twice, both for work and pleasure. And it didn't spoil my career. But, he didn't ask me not to go, I decided to change plans because that was the right thing for me to do. And back then there was no wi-fi, Internet connection was not as easy & common as it is today. No cell phones either.
TMichaels Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 We have never said 'I love you' to each other as it's a statement that I don't take lightly (I don't think she does either) Then why would you expect her to plan her whole life around a relationship with you at least at this point in time? I have a feeling she feels the same -- as in at the moment there's not enough of a connection or compelling spark between you two to merit sacrificing her graduate studies and/or career -- so the relationship logically is taking a back seat. TBH, I don't blame her. There's an old adage: "What's for you, won't pass you." IOW, if things are meant to be they will be. It also "takes two to tango." If you're not willing or able to wait and see how things unfold, then I'd say you'd be best off moving on instead of "forcing things" to fit the timetable you'd prefer or are more comfortable with. Best, TMichaels
Author jnr586 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Thank you both for your kind words and I honestly couldn't agree more. Kind of what I was already thinking- I don't have much relationship experience so I wanted to ensure my feelings were valid. Still, I'm faced with questions- When the time inevitably comes for her to decide where to move do I- -Tell her this flat out with or without her asking - and risk adding insult to injury by essentially dumping her? I don't really want to influence her decision too heavily. I don't want to upset her more than she's already been upset. Granted it may be a relief to her but it might not be. -Or, do I stay silent while she makes decisions- or tell her everything is OK when she makes these decisions and then at some point say um nevermind actually it's not OK I can't do this. I'm not sure what she is thinking and I think it's totally reasonable that she may be thinking the same thing, but I want to be as supportive as possible and I want to minimize hurting her if that's at all a risk. Edited February 12, 2014 by jnr586 didn't finish writing.
justwhoiam Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Probably, I wouldn't wait for her to be away and blame it on the distance. I'd be honest and say that what you feel for her is not as strong as it should be to go on with a relationship and that you don't feel you are in love.
FitChick Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 That's what I like about LDRs. You are less likely to string someone along or be strung along by them out of geographical convenience. You both decide you are worth the hassle or not.
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