jnel921 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Good! That is mentally healthy to NOT say ILYs to someone who has just handed you the worst pain in your life. AND Everytime he tried to tell me he NEVER stopped loving me durin his affair, I would ask him to not say THAT anymore.....because ANYONE who truly loved me would have told me the truth and never subjected me to the worst pain I have ever felt. Sometimes, you just have to call them out on this BS..... AND, do these cheaters even know what mature love IS, if they can say this nonsense to our faces? do they even KNOW what mature love is? Time to educate them, I think...... I haven't said ILY since DDay. It's been 16 months. I know I do at this point... But all of the things you've mentioned stops me. I don't understand my H telling me how he always loved me either. When I saw that pic of the two of them his wedding band was missing. Seriously, who was showing respect to whom? R is going well but the memories haven't faded. Telling him ILY is putting my guard totally down and I don't think I can do that yet. We will enjoy each other's company...but there will be no ILY spoken as of yet.... 4
goumao Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Now i think about it my STBXW has never been present for valentines day!! I think this year I'll go out with my friends and just see what happens. Maybe do what my WW has been doing!! Won't be searching for anything though! can't yet imagine being with another woman!
yellowmaverick Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 As I saw the other day in a Facebook wall: How am I gonna spend Valentine's Day? Naked. Laying on my floor. With a bottle of Jack Daniels. Screaming Adele songs to my cat. Substitute "Pink" for "Adele" and it sounds like a great night! 2
peruano99 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 How many of you have a hard time with Valentine's day in the aftermath of infidelity in your M? I know for me, prior to this last time and having the actual proof, we had gotten to the point where we weren't celebrating it anymore. Then after I cheated, and we were trying to R, I was making a big deal about it and really trying to go all out for him, just to find out he was talking to her that day. Kind of ruins it for me now. Why did I even bother? Apparently he wasn't even thinking of what I had planned. Last year was a huge trigger for me, this year not sure how I am feeling. So how is it for the rest of you? Okay so both you and your husband had affairs?
i am gutted Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I hope your cat enjoys the night!! ha So I won't be celebrating anything in February at least this year. As I saw the other day in a Facebook wall: How am I gonna spend Valentine's Day? Naked. Laying on my floor. With a bottle of Jack Daniels. Screaming Adele songs to my cat.
excusememister Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 The kissing ass is what drives me nuts. It seems so fake and bull s.hit now and makes me want to vomit some days. Yeah, my WS is doing the same thing; azz kissing; brown nosing. Our drive-way is covered with snow; he was out this morning with the shovel so he could go get me coffee. It's irritating - it drives me nuts. As if I'm suppose to feel sorry for him or something - PLEASE, give me a break!!
Author tired girl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Okay so both you and your husband had affairs? Yes. Yesterday was a day full of triggers. Today not so much. Might be ok this year after all. 1
No Limit Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Gonna stay at my friend's house. Not because of any trouble (happy single), but her boyfriend went on a vacation with his family and she feels pretty down so I ought to help her out. Plus, there've already been a few rumors about a surprise for her once he gets back... 1
rumbleseat Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 The first valentines day he wasn't here so we didn't do anything.
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Spark, I began to look at some of your early posts, and I have to admit, the stories of our affairs are almost identical. Especially the issue of needing affirmation and complements from others that were not met by the opposite parent (in your H's case, his mother, and in my WS's case, her father) She has since acknowledged this, that the biggest turn on for her was hearing her AP tell her how brilliant, beautiful, clever, and IMPORTANT she was. ADD to this his own "stature" in and among her colleagues, and the chemistry was all there. About the mature love. Okay, Ive mentioned this in other posts in my reading of Esther Perel. But mature love comes deep, stays deep, and cannot be "created" per se, it is something that evolves. Perel is on to something, I think when she argues that married couples, especially those with young children at home, must evoke and literally inject the erotic desire BACK into our marriage. We need to have affairs with our significant others. Not every day mind you, because the high that comes from desire is very difficult to sustain on a daily basis (which is essentially why we end up in a "mature" love), but we must plan and deliver on the heart and soul's requirements for erotic desire. I agree. Thanks for the link to Ester Perel. My favorite point of her's is that the WS is not looking for a new partner. They are looking for a new persona for themselves! In my sitch my fWS said the allure was flattery; he was so wonderful, and if she had a man like him, she would appreciate him. me, ever practical, asked: Didn't that make you suspicious? It takes TWO, always has, to inject erotic desire back into a long term relationship. Plus, I have been reading up on attachment styles; formed in early childhood and responsible for how you love and perceive love in adulthood. 1
Author tired girl Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I believe that attachment styles can have a huge role in what happens in a marriage. I know they have in mine. Most people are very unaware of this dynamic.
katielee Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 TG - are you feeling better about V day? I agree about attachment styles. I thought I was parented well until age 10. then, the wheels fell off the bus. Currently looking into this in IC.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My husband just message me on FB. He wants to cancel our Valentine's plans so I don't have to keep faking it. I've been severely down this week. I can't seem to perk up and feel like this is all genuine. I don't believe he's having an affair of any kind anymore, but I am just...dead inside or something. I have no idea what to tell him. Yeah, so I get how Valentine's is depressing. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I have always associated Vday with children, made special lunches for them, boxes of chocolates. Romance is not buying a hallmark card because there are reminders/expectations. Romance is taking a rock your wife found on the beach and having it made into a one of a kind necklace....just because. It's making your husband his favourite dishes then relaxing with a bottle of wine afterwards on a Tuesday work night. It is going for a walk on a Sunday morning. Resting your head on your partners shoulder during a long flight. Helping your wife plant the garden. Going whitewater rafting. Vday for many, is a cop out day. The day they can point to that they DID something and want mucho credit for it. Flower arrangements galore, gifts already mass produced and cookie cutter, cards already filled out, special menus designed by the restaurant....nothing original at all. Vday is not a benchmark of romance, or love. It's the easiest of the easiest day to do anything as all that is required is a credit card....don't need to use much mental/physical exertion at all. Commercialism does all the work. 3
Author tired girl Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 TG - are you feeling better about V day? Yes I am. I even got him a card today and made him something for vday that I know he will like. I am going to mark this up in the progress column 4
experiencethedevine Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 My husband sent me off on my trip to the Gambia (I was in the second year of a music degree) having secretly stowed a bottle of pink champagne, chocolates and a card into my luggage. On the 14th of February he was in a Hotel in London overnight for a meeting with his company the next day. His other woman 'appeared' at the Hotel (she had clandestinely hacked and had been invading his email account for some time). I discovered this in the March the affair was blown wide open. The first year after Dday, I took a holiday alone, despite my husband's plea's to either stay with him at home, or go somewhere together. I told him he had no business making such demands after his vile betrayal, and spent a rather wonderful holiday in Barbados for 10 days! When I returned home my lounge looked like a florists, there was champagne in such copious amounts it was fit for a wedding, and my husband had gone to enormous trouble to make amends.............. Today we have quietly acknowledged the date with our beautiful little grandchildren, shared chocolate treats with all our children, and enjoyed a champagne breakfast together. Scars really do fade with time, and marking old memories that cause such awful pain with wonderful knew ones is a catalyst for a better future together. Have faith that things will be better on the other side of the sun tiredgirl. Thinking of you today.......... 4
Author tired girl Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Scars really do fade with time, and marking old memories that cause such awful pain with wonderful knew ones is a catalyst for a better future together. Have faith that things will be better on the other side of the sun tiredgirl. Thinking of you today.......... Thank you for this. Yesterday, while it was marked with a great deal of physical pain on my end, that had nothing to do with Valentine's day, did nothing to diminish us from having a great Valentine's day together. He liked what I made for him, and he did a great job with my present. Win all the way around, 2
Recommended Posts