tired girl Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 How many of you have a hard time with Valentine's day in the aftermath of infidelity in your M? I know for me, prior to this last time and having the actual proof, we had gotten to the point where we weren't celebrating it anymore. Then after I cheated, and we were trying to R, I was making a big deal about it and really trying to go all out for him, just to find out he was talking to her that day. Kind of ruins it for me now. Why did I even bother? Apparently he wasn't even thinking of what I had planned. Last year was a huge trigger for me, this year not sure how I am feeling. So how is it for the rest of you? 1
burnside.rose Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 DDay was only around Christmas & still in the limbo phase (heavily leaning toward D but still sharing a house right now), I dread this upcoming V-Day. I can not even imagine it…and makes my stomach turn. Every year on V-Day, birthdays, etc…I used to make her these hand-made cards (something she liked & I’m artsy) but she asked the AP to build her one on her birthday. He built a f$$king model house out of parts of a house he was flipping. How nice. Regardless I certainly won't be getting her anything. 2
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 not as bad as Mother's Day when he sent her a bigger bouquet than mine! I sobbed over that for a LONG TIME. And that became a holiday he has pulled out every stop for. But now I just sit back and wait and see what effort is made. And it is all good. I no longer push, overdo, or make an issue of any of it. If I feel like buying a card or a gift, I do. or if I need to do something different, I surprise him. That is as much for him as for me. Sometimes, I need to change it up, make it new and different. My FWH had almost a two-year affair and I cannot afford to trigger every month. the first year was HELL, but over time, those days became better. 2
Timmos Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) My fWW and I had always been in agreement: Valentines Day is a Hallmark holiday and we weren't going to celebrate it, but rather save the money and do something nice with each other at another time. Then her affair. Then she starts talking. Turns out that, despite her dislike of the holiday, she has always been envious of the other girls at her office receiving gifts, flowers, and all the rest. She felt left out while all the others were having sweet nothings heaped on them. This year we're celebrating Valentines Day. She just doesn't know it yet. EDIT: At a Kid's Craft Night with our church last week, she quietly handed me a small, cutout heart. Written inside was: "I'm sorry for being such a dumbass. I love you and really appreciate you and how patient and caring you are with me. Happy Valentines." Edited February 11, 2014 by Timmos 2
katielee Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I love all holidays. I don't know why. Because we had a screw up on our anniversary we discussed how we would handle this one - pizza and a movie in bed - as soon as he gets home. And we discussed gifts and we are having a couples massage at a later date.
Author tired girl Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Then her affair. Then she starts talking. Turns out that, despite her dislike of the holiday, she has always been envious of the other girls at her office receiving gifts, flowers, and all the rest. She felt left out while all the others were having sweet nothings heaped on them. This has really hit a nerve for me. This was my husband. And he changed all the rules for her. He was trying to impress her so she got to do things I couldn't. I think I have a lot of anger that while I was trying to fix things he was busy with her. Now he is willing to do Vday, and I know that he doesn't even care about the holiday. This is just really hard for me. I want it and I don't. 2
Snowflower Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 not as bad as Mother's Day when he sent her a bigger bouquet than mine! I sobbed over that for a LONG TIME. And that became a holiday he has pulled out every stop for. But now I just sit back and wait and see what effort is made. And it is all good. I no longer push, overdo, or make an issue of any of it. If I feel like buying a card or a gift, I do. or if I need to do something different, I surprise him. That is as much for him as for me. Sometimes, I need to change it up, make it new and different. My FWH had almost a two-year affair and I cannot afford to trigger every month. the first year was HELL, but over time, those days became better. The bouquet on Mother's Day? Eeeww. How did he even think that was okay? I totally get where you're coming from with your post, Spark. It is much the same for me. As for me, our anniversary is still the hardest. It's very bittersweet. I know some reconciled couples do not celebrate their anniversary anymore but I still wanted to celebrate for a lot of reasons. But it always ends up being a difficult day. 1
RightThere Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Really tough for me. Last Valentine's day, my STBXW made up some story about an event she needed to be at. Instead, she went on two different dates with two different guys I later found out. But also tough because I was lousy at celebrating Valentine's Day. Maybe a card and little else.
katielee Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 aw, TG, that would be SO TOUGH... I think that if the WS is in an affair during Vday it makes the trigger just huge. 1
Author tired girl Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Thank you katie, I didn't find out about it till afterward when I look at the cell phone records. He was texting her literally while I was getting ready for valentines day, and he knew I was getting ready. It is hard to know that his head was not in it at all. I know that he has never cared about the holiday. So to do it now, means he is just doing it for me, so it feels like it still doesn't make it any better. I just feel like saying screw it. 1
snappytomcat Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 oh boy I haven't really thought about it,since it really wasn't that important to me otherwise,christmas is my favorite,and I lived through it and had a great day,but dday was june of last year,so I have no idea if hubby will have something planned or not,i wouldn't be surprised if he did have something planned cause hes been doing everything right,and kissing my ass too.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I hate it. I went into the store today and I hated every card. "To the best husband in the world.." "To the man who will love me forever..." "To the man I fell in love with..." Not sure any of these are true. I had to walk out of the aisle with a generic card to give him. I can't go all out. Last year he didn't give me anything, but insists he got me flowers. I don't remember any flowers. February is the month he slept with her. He probably sent them to her and thinks he sent them to me. I found evidence later that he sent her chocolate covered strawberries, using the excuse that I couldn't have them because of food allergies. Wow. Good thing she was so f.ucking perfect with no f.ucking food allergies or illnesses. He tried to tell me last night that everyone acts like his affair was some passionate love affair, when it really wasn't...chocolate strawberries on Valentines, jewelry, roses mailed to her home after she moved out of state, "I love you and miss you terribly" on the card that went with the flowers, and "I love you and miss you.." with the nickname he had for her on gift receipts sent from Amazon." I'd say that it was a lot more than he tries to make it out to be.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 The kissing ass is what drives me nuts. It seems so fake and bull s.hit now and makes me want to vomit some days. Right now he is texting "I love you" from work ..... whatever...he ignored me for two years and now "I love you" all the time. Like he wants me to just say he is fine...when he isn't...at all....and what he did isn't at all....Ugh. I'm just cranky today. oh boy I haven't really thought about it,since it really wasn't that important to me otherwise,christmas is my favorite,and I lived through it and had a great day,but dday was june of last year,so I have no idea if hubby will have something planned or not,i wouldn't be surprised if he did have something planned cause hes been doing everything right,and kissing my ass too.
Fluttershy Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 My DDay was far enough before valentines day that the day was pretty normal. We've always went out the day after and bought sale chocolate. The next year was no different. But my H and I recovered fairly quickly.
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 This has really hit a nerve for me. This was my husband. And he changed all the rules for her. He was trying to impress her so she got to do things I couldn't. I think I have a lot of anger that while I was trying to fix things he was busy with her. Now he is willing to do Vday, and I know that he doesn't even care about the holiday. This is just really hard for me. I want it and I don't. I so get this! While I am killing myself to keep hearth and home together and dying on the inside for fun, romance, affection....he is pouring it all into her. yes, to impress her. So now I let him try to impress me. because I am worth it. And so are you. 5
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 PS: Guess when most affairs are discovered? After Valentine's day because of flowers, gifts, dinners, etc. appear on the bank statement. If he was with YOU on Valentine's Day.....and not her....well, that speaks volumes to me. 1
katielee Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 he is just doing it for me, might that be enough? or, with the trigger is it just too much?
snappytomcat Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 The kissing ass is what drives me nuts. It seems so fake and bull s.hit now and makes me want to vomit some days. Right now he is texting "I love you" from work ..... whatever...he ignored me for two years and now "I love you" all the time. Like he wants me to just say he is fine...when he isn't...at all....and what he did isn't at all....Ugh. I'm just cranky today. yup I know how you feel,the ass kissing makes me sick,ive asked him to stop,and he says I love you too,all the time I say it back sometimes,but the first few months after dday it was so hard for me to say it,cause I just cant say I love you without meaning it,and he said it to the ow,but said it didn't mean anything,but I know some people can just say it like nothing,especially men(not all men)
i am gutted Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 This year we're celebrating Valentines Day. She just doesn't know it yet. EDIT: At a Kid's Craft Night with our church last week, she quietly handed me a small, cutout heart. Written inside was: "I'm sorry for being such a dumbass. I love you and really appreciate you and how patient and caring you are with me. Happy Valentines." 2
Spark1111 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 yup I know how you feel,the ass kissing makes me sick,ive asked him to stop,and he says I love you too,all the time I say it back sometimes,but the first few months after dday it was so hard for me to say it,cause I just cant say I love you without meaning it,and he said it to the ow,but said it didn't mean anything,but I know some people can just say it like nothing,especially men(not all men) Good! That is mentally healthy to NOT say ILYs to someone who has just handed you the worst pain in your life. AND Everytime he tried to tell me he NEVER stopped loving me durin his affair, I would ask him to not say THAT anymore.....because ANYONE who truly loved me would have told me the truth and never subjected me to the worst pain I have ever felt. Sometimes, you just have to call them out on this BS..... AND, do these cheaters even know what mature love IS, if they can say this nonsense to our faces? do they even KNOW what mature love is? Time to educate them, I think...... 3
snappytomcat Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Good! That is mentally healthy to NOT say ILYs to someone who has just handed you the worst pain in your life. AND Everytime he tried to tell me he NEVER stopped loving me durin his affair, I would ask him to not say THAT anymore.....because ANYONE who truly loved me would have told me the truth and never subjected me to the worst pain I have ever felt. Sometimes, you just have to call them out on this BS..... AND, do these cheaters even know what mature love IS, if they can say this nonsense to our faces? do they even KNOW what mature love is? Time to educate them, I think...... thank you spark we are working on our marriage,and he is doing everything right,but iam no longer that same woman as before my heart has hardened a bit,and he caused that,so we have a lot of work ahead of us especially him,he hasn't gotten off easy at all 2
HermioneG Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Two of the Valentine's Days during his affair involved gaslighting me. Picking a fight, making me feel crazy, and storming out to be with her ( which I did not know at the time). He makes an insane amount of effort now, which I appreciate. But I am honest with him- it is a day where I do remember that. The last vestiges of the trauma, I suppose. Five years out. It doesn't make me love him less, or appreciate his effort now less, so I try and contrast the difference between then and now, and look forward. But out of all the trigger-ific dates of the year, this is the one that I just kind of have running in the background. 1
Author tired girl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 might that be enough? or, with the trigger is it just too much? I don't know, that is why I am saying I am not sure what I want to do at this point:confused:
Heartbroken Eagle Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My D day was last years Valentines day. I must confess that I am struggling at the moment. My ex will be celebrating her first V day with her new fiance (Not the guy she had the affair with). I'll be with my son though, so I know I'll be with someone who loves me!!! It did not help that when I returned my son to her last weekend, she was happily reading a bridal magazine!!! I'm really annoyed with myself about much this effected me though. I guess I'm still hurting... 1
i am gutted Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 ........the hurt is awful....struggling every day to put on that plastic smile ae. keep your head up.
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