Fired and dumped in two days

[Tinkerbelll]

Please give me some words of wisdom because that is too much for me to handle.

Long story short, after 5 years I was fired without prior notice last week due to a budgetary reduction.

I was in shock, because I moved to another city for that job and now I also have a high rent to pay on my own.

I was expecting some kind of support from my boyfriend, with whom I have been together 1 year (actually I gave him a second chance after we split in summer again because I had problems at work): we had a LDR and I had the secret hope this would be a chance to get us closer.

I was mistaken: finding out that I was fired, we couldn't be of any help; instead, he stood in silence at my place for two days for the weekend one week ago. I was a wreck, I couldn't stop crying or leave the bed.

When I confronted him about my idea of moving to his city, he said this was not a good moment for him to think about living together (he's in his mid forties and still leaving at his parents), even if he could afford it, because he's waiting to be moved for work:he didn't know where and when though.

So after he left we had this huge fight on the phone, when I said him that I was feeling terrible and alone, and that he couldn't be of any help he just hang me the phone and disappeared. It's been one week and I have very sad moments, like everything has fallen apart, like I lost everything on one day.I cannot understand how he could leave this way in this terrible moment for me. It doesn't help now knowing he is not a good person, I just cannot understand how I could not see this coming. Where do you find the strenght when everything has fallen apart, when you find yourself alone in your toughest moment? Please help

[TaraMaiden]

You can't just 'be fired' after 5 years....

 

Seek legal assistance, advice or counsel.

If you've been unfairly dismissed, there is help available.

 

as for your Ex-BF:

 

Obviously a 'fair-weather' friend.

If he can't be supportive at a time like this, then believe me, you actually don't want him around.

[Tinkerbelll]

Tara, thank you for your answer!It means a lot for me coming here and pouring my heart out.

I had a meeting with my lawyer yesterday, there is not much I can do for the job because I had a special contract, I will have to find another one.

I have some savings fortunately that can help me at this moment.

But the idea of loosing my life in one shot is just overwhelming:I had a full time job and a boyfriend on the weekends. Now I have nothing, just a lot of time to think about the nightmare my life has turned into in just 10 ten days. It is so difficult, I 've lost myself and I am scared for the future.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not prying, but are you in the UK? (simple yes or no, my H is an employment solicitor....)

 

As for your ex, I know it may feel like a kidney punch, but it's just possible you actually dodged a bullet.... he is fickle and unreliable. If he bails at the first sign of possible financial instability, then he seems far more interested in what you could bring to the relationship materialistically, than emotionally.

 

I once had a BF like that.

Those kinds of people 'Know the price of everything and the value of nothing'.

Pleasant to be with when "the sun shines" but when you get a bit of rainfall, expect to have all of the brolly.....

[Tinkerbelll]

Thank you Tara, your words are valuable to me. No UK, sorry.

[TaraMaiden]

sadly then, with regard to your work situation, I can offer no support, other than to wish you well. if you were contracted by an outside company, it's up to them to assist and support you, but knowing so little, I may be shooting in the dark.

 

I hope you can find resolution to this man's treatment of you too.

I suggest, on that score, that you go No Contact. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature (first post I submitted in your thread) and read it avidly.

He may have a change of heart in a few days and contact you to touch base, see where 'you're at'....

My take on it would be to tell him to go take a hike, but what you do is up to you.

However, given his callous disregard for your situation, I am rather hoping you kick his @ss to the kerb.

[Zahara]

Tinkerbell, he proved to be a very unrealiable partner to you many times. I remember your threads. It isn't a surprise that when he is presented with issues that require him to be emotionally present for you, he disappears. You keep wanting him to be something he just cannot be. You can be the best, the prettiest, the most caring, loving, doting, etc. but with a guy like this, their issues don't go away because of who you are but because of how they are wired. You must end this once and for all and let it die. It will never change.

 

I know it hurts but you have to start focusing on going out there and being aggresive about your job search. Let that drive you and distract you.

[TaraMaiden]

...And I haven't even researched your history/past threads... but if I can 'get it in one'... maybe it's time you opened your eyes and really saw him in his true light.

If you've been told before, maybe you really should hear the advice, now.....

[Tinkerbelll]

Yes, you are right, both of you. And I was mistaken.

I opened my eyes roughly and realized in my toughest moment that he's not emotionally available. He's commitment phobic. Period.

But there are so many opinions about that, like when they find the right woman they change etc that you keep thinking you are the one.

Then you remember that you had lots of gifts, lots of beautiful moments but no projects had ever been made, no plans for US, no "I love you" had ever been said and you realize on a rude awakening that you were not the one.

This is one of the most painful experience I have had so far: being left alone when I desperately need support.

I don't know what to do, some days are quiet, on others like today I find myself unable to do anything, just move around the house from the bed to the sofa.

It is a nightmare, really. I go day by day, thank you for your support.

[Tripz]

.....

But the idea of loosing my life in one shot is just overwhelming:I had a full time job and a boyfriend on the weekends. Now I have nothing, just a lot of time to think about the nightmare my life has turned into in just 10 ten days. It is so difficult, I 've lost myself and I am scared for the future.

This thinking won't do you any good, nor is it true. You haven't lost your life, you have gained some new freedoms to chart a new course. I know it seems overwhelming right now and it is, but right now, this minute, focus on what you do have. Focus on a new start. Look at it like my half brother did when he decided after college, to travel Europe for a year with no money. He wanted the challenge. He traveled all over Europe for 90 days only making money playing trumpet on the street corner. He said it was the best time in his life. My father always told me, "the only truly free man carries everything he owns on his back". There's wisdom in that.

 

What you are going through right now is truly scary and terrible, but you will get through it. You will also be a much stronger person. Trial by fire brings out the purest gold. Focus on YOU, not the other things. What is something you can do right now, today, for YOU...and do it.

[Never Again]

Tinkerbelll,

 

You can learn a lot about someone by how they deal with negative situations. He offered you no emotional support and provided no solutions. He was interested and attracted when things were easy, but couldn't be bothered to look out for you or the relationship when things were difficult.

 

You definitely dodged a bullet. What would've happened if you'd stayed together and he bailed when the stress hit later on down the line...when you'd invested yourself even more?

 

I've had friends and girlfriends alike bail when my life became difficult, when I'd be in down in the dumps for a few weeks and not be quite so energetic/funny/fun/exciting/whatever. The point is, why bother concerning yourself with people who can't be bothered to support you when you're down?

[Zahara]

This is one of the most painful experience I have had so far: being left alone when I desperately need support.

I don't know what to do, some days are quiet, on others like today I find myself unable to do anything, just move around the house from the bed to the sofa.

It is a nightmare, really. I go day by day, thank you for your support.

 

Tinkerbell, I read a thread you posted in July 2013, when you lost your job and your relative was suffering with cancer, he did the same thing. He disappeared. He has done this before. Please, if he comes back and breaks contact again, because HE WILL, please do not go back to him. You have to ignore him.

 

You're hurt and disappointed and it's understandable that you are feeling depressed. Try to go out for a walk. Make sure you try and eat. Stay distracted by browsing for work. You have to start prioritizing the job search. Maybe if you find progress in that area, it can alleviate some of the defeatist feelings you are having.

[Tinkerbelll]

Tinkerbell, I read a thread you posted in July 2013, when you lost your job and your relative was suffering with cancer, he did the same thing. He disappeared. He has done this before. Please, if he comes back and breaks contact again, because HE WILL, please do not go back to him. You have to ignore him.

 

You're hurt and disappointed and it's understandable that you are feeling depressed. Try to go out for a walk. Make sure you try and eat. Stay distracted by browsing for work. You have to start prioritizing the job search. Maybe if you find progress in that area, it can alleviate some of the defeatist feelings you are having.

 

Zahara I read again your answers: at that time they seemed bitter to me but now I could't stop tears from falling..It seemed suddently everything so clear, and I feel stupid, hurt and what's worst, still missing him even if I don't have to.

I hate to feel his way, because I am known for being very determinate..tonight I don't care about getting stronger if time goes by and you always have new **** to deal with

[Tinkerbelll]

Tinkerbelll,

 

You can learn a lot about someone by how they deal with negative situations. He offered you no emotional support and provided no solutions. He was interested and attracted when things were easy, but couldn't be bothered to look out for you or the relationship when things were difficult.

 

You definitely dodged a bullet. What would've happened if you'd stayed together and he bailed when the stress hit later on down the line...when you'd invested yourself even more?

 

I've had friends and girlfriends alike bail when my life became difficult, when I'd be in down in the dumps for a few weeks and not be quite so energetic/funny/fun/exciting/whatever. The point is, why bother concerning yourself with people who can't be bothered to support you when you're down?

 

I appreciate your analysis: that is exactly my view.

I think that we has proved also to be a coward, because leaving that way has no excuse whatsoever! I mean, ok, it's over, but al least offer me some kind of support!Every friend has asked me if they could do something for me, if I needed money etc, while he just vanished. This is too incredible and ridiculous to be true

[Tinkerbelll]

This thinking won't do you any good, nor is it true. You haven't lost your life, you have gained some new freedoms to chart a new course. I know it seems overwhelming right now and it is, but right now, this minute, focus on what you do have. Focus on a new start. Look at it like my half brother did when he decided after college, to travel Europe for a year with no money. He wanted the challenge. He traveled all over Europe for 90 days only making money playing trumpet on the street corner. He said it was the best time in his life. My father always told me, "the only truly free man carries everything he owns on his back". There's wisdom in that.

 

What you are going through right now is truly scary and terrible, but you will get through it. You will also be a much stronger person. Trial by fire brings out the purest gold. Focus on YOU, not the other things. What is something you can do right now, today, for YOU...and do it.

 

Thank you for your advice; I am leaving in a few weeks, I am going on holidays, I need a break. I just need to purchase my ticket.

[Zahara]

Zahara I read again your answers: at that time they seemed bitter to me but now I could't stop tears from falling..It seemed suddently everything so clear, and I feel stupid, hurt and what's worst, still missing him even if I don't have to.

I hate to feel his way, because I am known for being very determinate..tonight I don't care about getting stronger if time goes by and you always have new **** to deal with

 

It's hard to see when you are emotional. To those on the outside, the signs are clear but to the one in the thick of it all, they're in a fog and so hopeful.

 

It's normal to miss him. You are emotionally invested in him and you're grieving. You're missing the attachment.

 

Then give yourself tonight to grieve and vegitate on the couch. Yes, life is going to throw all kinds of curveballs at you. But it's no reason to give up just because of one disordered and emotionally malfunctioning man.

[Tinkerbelll]

Just a quick follow up.

Well, it is not has been easy so far, but I am about to break 2 weeks since the BLack Friday and I wanted to share my emotions.

First, it was a good surprise finding out that some people were on my side when everything happened. I didn't expect it so it was amazing.

My personal thanks to people here on LS who paid attention to my history.

So, yes, he got back: with texts, songs, chat etc..

I never answered though.

This time it was so difficult that I am realizing that my feelings towards him have changed:maybe I am improving my selfesteem, but I have realized I don't need anymore clowns in my life, I am actually thinking about enjoying whatever life has to offer me at the present moment without any particular expectation.

In a few days I 'll be travelling very far from here for one month.This is what I need now.

Thank you all

[TaraMaiden]

Good - FOR - YOU!!

 

You GO Gurl!!

[Tinkerbelll]

I cannot talk about 4 weeks NC, because he sent me texts,mail etc..but I answered only once to tell him to stay away from me.

He also sent me flowers but I am far,far away from home and by the time I 'll be back they'll be gone as well.

It was first time he sent them to me, but once again it is just too late.

I am currently in the middle of the ocean, on a some kind of honeymoon retreat and I have been staying here for one week with the sole goal to heal to some extent.

As you know, it goes day by day, some mornings I am ok and after a few hours everything is dark again, but I am trying my best:I invested money, took a lot of planes to join this summer and I expect the sea, the sun, the massages I am taking to do the miracle.

I really needed a break from everything and I can say I feel slightly better.

On the next weeks I will join some very special friends, and I am looking forward to it!Here I just had too much time to think about how everything went suddently downhill.

It scares me realizing that eventually we do not have the control on anything that goes on in our life, especially regarding our relationships:how can be that one day we are in love with somebody and everything is just doing great and on the following they are gone?Seriuosly, for me this is too much to handle.

Emotionally, I feel anger of course because everything seems just too unfair, but mostly I am sad, like I do not expect tomorrow to be better.

I think that the only way I can manage to turn things around is to look in front of me and never look back.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Tinkerbelll

[Tinkerbelll]

So in the end I took one month off everything and I wish I could stay more time away.

I am back in my Country to sort some things out, but I don't discard the possibility to leave again for a sabbathic period abroad.

Anyway, I feel much better about everything.

This month away has not been a typical holiday, it has been some kind of rehab that helped me greatly to put things in their place.

Now I am back and, regarding my last relationship, I think I went through all the stages of the breakup: denial at first, of course, that would have been just too much for everybody; anger, almost because I had given him a second chance and I could not believe he disappeared in such a difficult moment for me: I just couldn't stand the thought of him going on with his life like nothing had happened while I was between life and death because believe me, when you loose everything you have in one shot, you are not going to be positive about your future right away!

Then I felt a void in me, like nothing really mattered anymore, like I could not put the pieces together anymore.

I had did my best and failed,again.

I would cry, asking God to help me and I would sing over and over again to myself "there will be an answer, let it be".

But fortunately it didn't last forever and I reached the final stage:acceptance.

I felt finally peace in my heart, I don't know what happened but I just felt ok with everything knowing that no matter what I will find a way. That I deseve better.

Even if it still hurts at times, I got clear about what I want and I don't want and I know perfectly that this journey is going to be very difficult at times but now I know I won't never again settle for less.

I also made a decision to be on my own for some time, like one year in which I won't look for a relationship but I will just focus on me.

About the ex: he has been sending me texts everyday since the BU, the usual stuff like he misses me, he wants now what I wanted before etc..

I broke NC to inform him about some bills he's supposed to pay and took the chance to tell him that I don't feel like giving it another try.

This is a message of hope for everybody out there: no matter how, we will find a way, stay strong!

[Zahara]

This is wonderful, Tinkerbell! It's definitely a journey and while a painful one, it's well worth it because at the end of the day, you are able to get yourself back again

 

It's good that you are finding perspective in just wanting to live life alone for at least a year to find your strength again.

 

Emotional freedom is best feeling after you have suffered the pain of disappointment. I'm so happy you're there!

[Tinkerbelll]

This week has been awful, I have not the right state of mind to face anything.

I did some interviews, but I am far from what I used to be once. I feel peace only when I think about quitting everything and take some months off to travel.

It's like I did my best in many sectors of my life just to get incredible,terrible results. My actual crisis is not just about my ex fiance, but it invests pretty much everything, and for many efforts I make,it seems I am not able to make steps forward.

So I stayed at home one week, going out only when I had too.

The gym bag is near the door, and I haven't used so far.

I also had to get in touch with ex to sort out practical money matters. Like I said, he has been texting me everyday in the past 2 months, with me never answering.

I finally reached a point in which I couldn't think about going on like this, so as hurtful it has been, I had to address the matter telling him a bunch of hurtful things, like I will never go back with him, like I don't feel anything towards him and I want to be left alone etc..also threatening him to report him if he goes on stalking me.

It was really hard, because I still have feelings towards him but it seems to me this is the only way I can start finally healing.

At this point I am willing to try anything to ease the pain, I want to try St John's wort and some Australian bush flowers, any advice is welcome tough..