Gaeta Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 My boyfriend and I have dated for 6 months. I have no clue how much he makes and he has no clue how much I make. We never talk about money. I don't feel it's proper yet to talk about this. My friend on the other hand has been dating a man for 6 weeks and knows how much he makes, how much are his debts, how much he pays in pension, etc. It's sicking! Who shares these kind of details after 6 weeks! I don't think it's necessary to talk money until it's time to talk about moving in together. What's your thought on that?
Philosoraptor Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Do what you feel comfortable with. No one knew how much I made when I was dating. They could get a guess at it based on my job and my house, but nothing was discussed. I think I discussed the exact numbers with my fiancee once we were getting serious about moving through life together, maybe 4 months into things.
ktya Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 This depends on two things, cultural and context. If the relationship is high velocity, talking about the future, marriage, kids, then this is going to come out pretty soon. If its just dating then it might not come out for a while and the one asking about it may come across as crass. Cultural values also come into play. Living in vancouver there are a lot of asian women here. Its not uncommon for chinese girls to ask how much you make on the first date. Other asians not long after. Of course there are no blanket sterotypes and everyone is different but i did notice that white girls pussyfoot around the topic and try to find out indirectly while asian girls just ask straight out. 1
scooby-philly Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Everyone is different when it comes to the timing of sharing pieces of information. I myself am pretty up front and open about things and like someone else who is too. I would say it depends on where you are at. I was formerly engaged and I know even despite living together and being engaged, my former fiancé was not really open about her finances. It seemed like she was at first glance, but it didn't really turn out to be true. So the best advice I can give is that it's up to you or your partner to decide when to have the discussion. If one person brings it up and the other person is uncomfortable talking about it then you both need to discuss why. People who stay together know about true honesty and transparency. Even if you disagree on things the one person should be able to explain their viewpoint and if a topic makes someone uncomfortable then a healthy relationships allows them to explain why. I would definitely say if you start planning a "life together" whether its marriage or moving in that should prompt a discussion.
carhill Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 My exW and I were engaged before any serious and detailed financial disclosures took place. That reflects two people in their 40's at the time, with substantial separate lives and assets/debts already amassed. YMMV. Prior, all we knew was that each other had their own businesses and could afford to date and do stuff together and we each often did 'treat' the other during the dating period. Finances really weren't an issue. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I agree it depends on the situation and pace that you're moving at. Also, your boyfriend may be picking up on the fact that you don't feel it's proper to discuss this yet. My experience is that most of my boyfriends have been very up front about their salary and how much savings they have, however much it is. They pretty much all volunteered this info fairly early on.
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You don't have to exchange tax returns but I wonder if you could exchange credit reports if one of you was insisting on financial information. Your income isn't shown but it will show your credit history and if you are responsible. I would only offer that as an alternative to hard numbers. If he expected you to split half the cost of something expensive, like a trip, you would tell him that you couldn't afford it. Otherwise, just general information until you are talking engagement. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 As soon as you start discussing a possible future (marriage, kids, etc), then it's time to disclose financials. You don't want to be wrapped up in someone else's financial problems. It's perfectly legit to disclose when you are getting serious. My woman and I talked about it at around 3 months....because we started a serious relationship. We are approaching our 9 months this month, and we just went car shopping last weekend because we plan to buy a new SUV together to accommodate all the kids. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm proposing next weekend. 1
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I have a friend who was dating a guy for about a year and they moved in together. He had massive student debt and no assets. Their income was about the same. She had him turn over his paycheck to her and she'd give him a weekly allowance for lunch at work and sporting and gym stuff. The rest she'd use to split their rent and various payments for the home. Then she'd pay off big chunks of his debt. Eventually it was paid off. Then she started buying some stocks for him. They wound up buying a house together and getting married. Everyone who knows the guy is convinced he'd still be living in a one-bedroom apartment and driving an old car if she hadn't come into his life. I realize it takes two very special people with total trust to do this. 2
normal person Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 This depends on two things, cultural and context. This was a great post. Money is an important part of life whether or not people are aware of it. I wouldn't necessarily consider it as "sickening" to know someone's financial situation after 6 weeks, but everyone's got a different comfort level and view of how important it is. After six weeks, you've got probably got a good idea anyways based on quality of cars, clothes, size of home, etc. I've been out with girls who've blurted out how much they make out of nowhere after a week or two. I've also been on first dates when girls ask me how much I make out of morbid curiosity after they ask what I do for a living. Then again, I live in NYC where money is a prevailing theme of everything. In other parts of the country/world, it's probably much less acceptable. Learning about someone's financial situation can show you how ambitious they are, how responsible they are, if they're worth your time, etc. Call me whatever name you'd like, but there are a variety of reasons that I'd prefer not to date a girl who's in an ocean of debt. Nor would I expect a girl to want to date me if I was. Knowing that it is or isn't the case sooner rather than later saves a lot of time.
Author Gaeta Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 We are 2 couples in our late 40s. In her case he is very curious about how much she makes, always suggesting she must be making at least this and that much. I find this improper after a few weeks of dating. Sounds like he's more interested in her financial assets than in getting to know her as a person. I don't like him, it's not a secret. He even asked her how much savings she has, how much she sold her house. Then he says things like he's too broke to ever buy a house again but SHE could and she should........hhmm!!
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Sounds like your friend is dating a gold digger. Men can be gold diggers, too, you know. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think some gauge is advisable early . . . say you want to go to Chez laDiDa for dinner but the other person can't afford an expensive place like that, it would be nice to know. I'm talking big ranges here: minimum wage v. $20k v. $50k v. 100k+ , not specifics. I was going to write I never discussed specifics but then I realized that my 1st LT BF & I knew what the other made because post grad school we literally competed for the exact same jobs. My next LT BF was in the industry so he had some real sense & I remember celebrating a few times when I got raises. Until DH & I did the WHOLE financial disclosure thing complete with accountants & lawyers, before we got married, nobody ever knew my true net worth. Six weeks is waaaayyy too early.
nomadic_butterfly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My exes were pretty upfront about their finances without me asking; I hate to be intrusive! I can usually tell implicitly by their lifestyle, clothes they wear, leisure activities, tastes in certain things, where they live, who they live with, where they work, level of seniority within their job(s), industry they work in, student loan debt, if they have side businesses, etc. Initially I am more concerned with if they are financially responsible more than anything else. If he could use that kind of help because I am very good with finance and budgeting, I will help him if he would heed the advice. If we are discussing a future it is absolutely my business how much he makes, and vice versa. I am very up front about my student loan debts, and I live super frugally so that I can pay them off in the next 5 yrs. I ask other questions also like what % of paycheck they put towards saving, etc. I honestly don't need hardcore specifics until it is clear we are compatible enough for marriage and it's mutually established. I don't believe in shacking up, but if I did, I most certainly would want to know that before even thinking about it.
nomadic_butterfly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 We are 2 couples in our late 40s. In her case he is very curious about how much she makes, always suggesting she must be making at least this and that much. I find this improper after a few weeks of dating. Sounds like he's more interested in her financial assets than in getting to know her as a person. I don't like him, it's not a secret. He even asked her how much savings she has, how much she sold her house. Then he says things like he's too broke to ever buy a house again but SHE could and she should........hhmm!! That is wwaayyyyy too intrusive, honestly. That's above and beyond what he NEEDED to know. I wouldn't have answered him. It's weird he can't afford it, but he said "she could." She'd better be on her guard with this one. Sounds like a potential opportunist.
what_a_blonde Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend and I have dated for 6 months. I have no clue how much he makes and he has no clue how much I make. We never talk about money. I don't feel it's proper yet to talk about this. My friend on the other hand has been dating a man for 6 weeks and knows how much he makes, how much are his debts, how much he pays in pension, etc. It's sicking! Who shares these kind of details after 6 weeks! I don't think it's necessary to talk money until it's time to talk about moving in together. What's your thought on that? I think it's whatever you're comfortable with. Personally, if a guy starts talking about how much he makes, what he has in savings, blah blah blah, early on.... it makes me really skeptical about him. To some people, its not bragging, they were just raised in a culture where talking about money is normal. However for me (and the past very committed relationship I was in), I didn't share bank account info until we were moving into together and very serious (i.e. 1.5 years in). He knew about how much I made by about 4-5 months into it, when we were very serious.. I mean it came up somehow to where it wasn't awkward and I didn't feel like he was prying, it just came natural. But yes, to me 6 weeks seems really soon. I guess I've always found it a private topic because my experience with men who openly talk about it is they are trying to brag... and many times the men I've found that are doing this really don't have much to brag about (and they are just compensating for something else that is missing...). Also, turns out that they don't save a penny. I.e. "OH I just bought a brand new boat, and a house, etc...." Just like people on OLD who post their salary... I just think thats strange. Kinda like saying "Hey gold diggers! Come at me!" Edited February 12, 2014 by what_a_blonde
what_a_blonde Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 As soon as you start discussing a possible future (marriage, kids, etc), then it's time to disclose financials. You don't want to be wrapped up in someone else's financial problems. It's perfectly legit to disclose when you are getting serious. My woman and I talked about it at around 3 months....because we started a serious relationship. We are approaching our 9 months this month, and we just went car shopping last weekend because we plan to buy a new SUV together to accommodate all the kids. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm proposing next weekend. Woah! Thats awesome!!!!
Lady2163 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Great question! I'm in my 40s and come a long way since renting a room in someone's house after the divorce. It was a struggle and lots of sacrifices were made. Every once in a while, I'd cave and go shopping or out toa really nice restaurant and then hate myself for prolonging the debt. Two of homes (trailers) cost less than they car I had in the driveway. So, money is important to me. I dont want his money, I just want to know that if we were to get involved, we can maintain my current lifestyle or improve on it. Never again will I live paycheck to paycheck. Other than my mortgage, I have no debt. I have equity in my home, I have savings. In five years, I want to build my dream home/retirement home. It will cost around $300,000. I can do it alone, so I surely don't want a relationship with someone who will drain that goal dry. But I have no clue how to approach it in a conversation. Although, to be honest, if I were getting serious about someone and contemplating marriage or living together, there would be a background check, a pre-nup and something legal to prevent it from being a common law marriage. If they were in debt, had numerous small claims against them, had filed bankruptcy recently, I'd probably not be as interested. I do the same thing, I look at their cars, their possessions, their clothes (toiletries can be a sign as well Polo or Old Spice?), their hobbies. I think it would be tough to say if I personally would snoop. If their bank statement was on the counter or on the screen, I might look.
Leigh 87 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You can't always tell by the clothes you wear and the car you drive or the manner in which you speak and relate to your peers. I went to a private school, have travelled the world, and I live in a super nice flat with a nice car to boot. I also own expensive clothes. You cannot tell I am broke, am on welfare and I am studying towards my degree at age 27. My life style is NOT akin to how much I earn. Thanks to being the only child of generous parents, I lead a life that people earning 70 K a year would live. That is why men who make a lot of money never minded dating me; I wear nice clothes, I do not talk like I am under - educated since I attended private schools and I have travelled way more than the average person. They knew that yes, I screwed up years of my life, but I am now at college and working towards a future that will give me an average paying and reliable job. I have disclosed my predicament to EVEY man I have dated. I have told them straight out that: " I am back at college now, live in a super nice flat in the meanwhile and life is comfortable, just a lot of hard work before I am in a full time professional job again, but you know, my lifestyle wont reflect the fact I am a "student"" None of the men gave a crap. .... Yet I felt it was important to tell men WHY I am so delayed in my professional development. No decent man wants to date a woman who never had any ambitions to be a professional in their designated area. I needed to explain to them that yes, I am very driven to finish my college education and then being someone. I simply had issues when younger that drastically held me back, but I am fine now and carving out a career path for myself like you did, albeit at a much more mature age than yourself.
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Although, to be honest, if I were getting serious about someone and contemplating marriage or living together, there would be a background check, a pre-nup and something legal to prevent it from being a common law marriage. Ah...my favourite topic, couples and financials Right off the bat...DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO A JOINT ACCOUNT.....DO NOT DO IT! This is the first thing one party empties when things go south, and you will be on the hook no matter who spends what for half the debt. Not sure about the running a background check on someone, but having been around the block once, the pre-nup will definitely be happening and it's on my list to avoid being sucked into the "common law trap"...it's 3yrs here before someone is entitled to half your stuff Additionally....a huge disparity in income is a big deal for me, as disparity in income is by default a case for Alimony/spousal support here As a general matter a significant income disparity will generate an entitlement to some support. Even if there is not a compensatory claim, a significant income disparity will give rise to a non-compensatory claim based on a loss of the marital standard of living. The Guidelines leave to the courts the issue of when an income disparity becomes significant enough to generate entitlement. In some cases courts have denied entitlement on the grounds that the income gap does not suggest significant differences in standard of living. Source: 2. Entitlement (FV Chapter 4) - The Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines: A New and Improved User's Guide to the Final Version I do not want to be paying most of the bills and supporting someone that has chosen to not upgrade their skills, have a career and steady job....but just wants to work odd jobs and sit around on facebook all day...especially when there are no young kids in the picture
Arieswoman Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I think there is a big difference between disclosing financial information and giving someone access to your funds. Having said that 6 weeks is far too soon for discussing it. I agree with this post by Taken 100% ;- Ah...my favourite topic, couples and financials Right off the bat...DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO A JOINT ACCOUNT.....DO NOT DO IT! This is the first thing one party empties when things go south, and you will be on the hook no matter who spends what for half the debt. Fortunately I kept my own bank account when I was married to my first husband. However, I made the mistake of letting him be a second signatory on my credit card a/c for emergencies. I didn't realise that taking his skanky AP to hotels was classed as an "emergency". Take note ladies ! I have now remarried and still keep my own bank a/c (we have a joint a/c for bills into which we pay an equal amount each month). I am sure that those of us who are working would also agree with this ;- I do not want to be paying most of the bills and supporting someone that has chosen to not upgrade their skills, have a career and steady job....but just wants to work odd jobs and sit around on facebook all day...especially when there are no young kids in the picture Even now my husband does not know exactly what I earn as I am self-employed. As long as I pay my way he isn't interested.
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) I think there is a big difference between disclosing financial information and giving someone access to your funds. Having said that 6 weeks is far too soon for discussing it. I agree with this post by Taken 100% ;- Fortunately I kept my own bank account when I was married to my first husband. However, I made the mistake of letting him be a second signatory on my credit card a/c for emergencies. I didn't realise that taking his skanky AP to hotels was classed as an "emergency". Take note ladies ! I have now remarried and still keep my own bank a/c (we have a joint a/c for bills into which we pay an equal amount each month). I am sure that those of us who are working would also agree with this ;- Even now my husband does not know exactly what I earn as I am self-employed. As long as I pay my way he isn't interested. Errrrr....scuse SCOUSER me my fellow Limey, it's actually "Tayken", the north - south divide should be a problem here ...am a londer now implanted in north America My ex and I both worked, it didn't stop her using the "joint account" for personal stuff......I'LL NEVER SIGN UP FOR JOINT ACCOUNTS AGAIN...NEVER Edited February 16, 2014 by Tayken
Recommended Posts