finallywise Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 How do you get completely at peace when life gut-punches you? The last 5-1/2 years have been really tough. In the summer of 08 I met a gal with whom I felt the most chemistry in over 20 years. We followed the inquisitive eHarmony communication process, which encourages asking intelligent questions about compatibility. Soon afterward we had a phone conversation. We met in person and I thought things went really well. We seemed to have so much in common! She said she wanted to get together again, but I never got another date. Three weeks passed without her really getting back with me. Meanwhile, I was stewing on questions she had asked that pushed my crazy buttons, questions I thought inappropriate for a psychologist like her. I've been through my own emotional health healing process and have read a bit about psychology. I thought she was blowing me off and challenged her on her own turf with a foolish e-mail. That's when she got back to me the next day. She said she *was* going to get back with me, but now she was insulted and that was that. Three months later I was out of work, a casualty of the financial crisis. One year later my only living parent (my mother) died. I've struggled for years to resurrect my career still without success. I've yet to be completely at peace regarding what happened with that gal. It's held me back - I've rarely even had a date since then, and certainly no relationships. It's not just about that experience; I'm not as active socially since I've done only odd jobs for a fraction of my salary in 2008 and in fact I'm currently back on unemployment insurance. My social activity correlates with my salary. I'll deal with my efforts to resurrect my career elsewhere. My question here is how to I get completely at peace with such a stupid dating experience? I've met other gals since then, but none have inspired the same kind of chemistry. I've even pondered hiring a private investigator to find someone who knows this gal who also knows someone who knows me well and would be a character witness. I've long felt if I'd had an advocate back in the day that would have never happened. I have good reason to believe such a person would not be hard to find, but I don't think I could find a private investigator who would take on such an assignment. I wouldn't be expecting a second chance with this gal, but it would be nice to get some answers. I think most people are good at heart. I prefer to think what happened was just terrible luck between two good people. I hope she found someone as deeply compatible with her as I had reason to believe we may have been. I believe I can still find that, but I certainly need to be at peace with what happened and certain it's no longer holding me back. I'm sure many of you are thinking I'm really flakey. This post is necessarily brief. I'm quite confident I could convince you that I am emotionally healthy, and have been for over ten years. Unfortunately, even healthy people still have crazy buttons, make mistakes and can be gut-punched in ways that leave them not completely at peace.
Philosoraptor Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think you need to figure out why you are so obsessed with this woman? She wasn't going to respond to you, she dropped off the planet. Once you sent her another email she used it to rub your nose in it and make it your fault. Regardless of profession, some people are just buttholes. You can't get at peace with this until you figure out why in the world something from over 5 years ago with a woman you only met once. What likely happened was she met someone she liked better and wanted to pursue him, while leaving you on the backburner in case she couldn't hook him.
Author finallywise Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Understandable response. To be clear as recently as last weekend I met someone with whom I felt a bit of a spark. Not as strong as with that other gal, but encouraging because I felt it. Turns out she's dating a good guy I know. That's life. I wish them well, and I think I've given her something to think about if it doesn't work out between them. I just want to be completely at peace about what happened five years ago. I absolutely would take some time to talk to a counselor if I wasn't on unemployment. I think I'm closer than ever to getting there. Anonymous posting lets me talk about even the little nagging things that would be embarrassing in other situations. Anyone out there think I'm not obsessed? Haven't you known anyone who hit it off immediately with someone and has built long-lasting relationships? I can think of three couples among my closest friends and family. That's a major reason why someone could make that kind of impression on me. How could one buddy be engaged to his wife within three weeks of meeting her, have a marriage that's lasted 20 years with three kids, yet I didn't even get a second date? I honestly think I had more to go on with this gal than my buddy had with his wife over the first three weeks after they met in person.
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