Dating a single dad gets harder every day

[GollySandra]

He actually encourages me to tell him what I want and need so...the impression you have isn't quite right .

[FitChick]

He actually encourages me to tell him what I want and need so...the impression you have isn't quite right .

Information is power. Do you encourage him to tell you what HE wants and needs? To repeat: information is power.

[GollySandra]

I do. He's usually very direct and he says what he means...in this area I think he actually isn't sure what he wants because he can't seem to really tell me. But he is still thinking about it and we will talk about it next time we see each other...which will probably be Valentine's. Here's to hoping it doesn't all go south then .

[Omei]

I always think if you're going to date a person with a child you have to be ready to become a parent yourself ultimately that will be your future role.

 

Someone who would get somewhat jealous of the attention the child receives I would say you're not even close to that mindset.

 

I am a single parent and I actually got recently asked out by a 19 year old (I am 27) that begged and assured me that they were willing to take that on(of course I said hell no) but from previous relationships even with older people once they realize just how big the responsibility is once you cross that line and enter their life they have no clue...how could you? From 20 to 27 I have found multiple things about kids I had no idea was included, trust me when I say you will be unprepard, I don't think it will work.

 

Not only that if you do go forth not only your age difference but your unprepairness for children will take a toll or have some effect on your relationship.

 

You have so much to do and see before you get yourself tied for life.

[Trimmer]

Here's the thing...this whole put the children first thing is crap. An unhappy 2nd marriage will make unhappy children. Yes, yes, I know the OP is just dating the single father.

 

I am single, with no kids. Every single father I meet or read their profiles who says, "My kids come first" has no business dating.

Hmm... Bold statement, telling people that their attitude is crap and that they have no business dating when you haven't been in their position. Which is worse: the single father who honestly advertises his position, limitations, and intentions up front, or the person dating him who decides that she'll join up anyway, expecting him to change to match her secret vision of the future, and ends up disappointed because he turns out to be exactly as advertised? (And go ahead and swap genders - works both ways.)

 

I don't think I agree actually. There is a difference between a "no" and a "not now".

Ha ha... Kids learn pretty quickly that "not now" and "maybe later" are totally a parent's way of saying "no." I'm not laughing at you or wishing you ill - just when I saw that it automatically ran through my "parent filter" and my immediate reaction was "oh, they are exactly the same thing..." I know you're not a kid, though, but it did make me think for a minute...

 

I always think if you're going to date a person with a child you have to be ready to become a parent yourself ultimately that will be your future role.

I'm going to use this very astute statement as my philosophical jumping-off point. To the OP, (and in deference to Lady2163's points) I'll point out that when you enter a "normal" relationship without kids, you spend time alone in the relationship; if that relationship progresses, you may eventually have kids. Making the transition from partners to partners-and-parents is inherently turbulent - some never accomplish it smoothly, and I believe that the time you spend alone together (beforehand) is a kind of a bank account of momentum and a foundation that you carry into parenthood.

 

Even as parents, you can and should continue to work on your fundamental "partner relationship", but the fact is that it will never be the same again. Some are able to build an even stronger relationship on that, and others struggle with the transition, but it's a natural trajectory of having kids that one way or another, it alters the parents' relationship as well.

 

So when you start to date someone with kids, you are essentially entering into the "transitioning to parent" role. You don't get to (and it's arguably unreasonable to) expect you will get to have the pre-children relationship, where you can focus exclusively on each other, and feel like you two are the only ones that matter.

 

I wonder if the OP feels a little cheated that she is missing out on that exclusive feeling. I completely understand - it's a special feeling, and a special time in a relationship when a strong bond is formed.

 

But I would propose that when you enter into a relationship where there's already a child, it's already past the time when that intense, special, exclusive bond can be nurtured. I'm not saying "child always has to come first" - you can (and should!) still have alone-time, date nights, all that stuff as partners and not just parents. But I propose that the time for the intense, us-against-the-world, nobody-else-matters, we'd-die-for-each-other bond has passed with this person, because he is already a parent.

 

I'm not going to belittle you or even factor in whether you're too young, or accuse you of being insecure. To me, you actually sound fairly mature and thoughtful to be able to articulate your feelings pretty clearly, and to put them in a proper perspective, even as you struggle with them. I believe this is eminently human of you.

 

And I empathize with what I believe might be your instinctive feeling that - with this person - you have missed out on that "just us" time in the relationship. You may be perceiving it as jealousy - the most obvious way you can put your finger on it - but I wonder if it's actually a kind of a sense of loss, not so much directed at his daughter, who you acknowledge as gorgeous and sweet, but at the situation - "fate" if you will - which has taken away the opportunity for that foundational stage in the relationship.

 

So the question: do you think you can enter a long-term relationship with him and her (because that's sorta what it ends up being, right?), transitioning immediately into the role of spouse-and-parent, without that foundation and bond of the "just us" period of the relationship? I'm not saying that you have to look at this as "being second" or "she comes first" or whatever - I don't think it's productive to try to rank things and put it in terms of winners and losers - the silver medal means you lost the gold... Heck, in those terms, you could even say that a typical spouse "comes in second" sometimes relative to the kids' needs. If family life is well-balanced, you don't have to see it this way and everyone can thrive, because the spousal relationship and the childrens' relationships are not the same and don't necessarily have to be seen as directly competing, emotionally, anyway. (Now, time-wise... )

 

But you do need to understand where you are entering the evolutionary timeline of this family. You will be stepping into a family, and a role, essentially "already in progress". If you can really see that and embrace it and understand it, and accept that it works for you, and also commit that it doesn't have to be "me or her" in terms of competition for love, then there's no reason that you and he couldn't forge a strong partner bond along the way. It's possible that with foresight and mutual intention, you could try to build that special alone-bond together over time - it may just come about differently than with a more typical relationship scenario where it happens automatically in the early stages, before the kids enter the scene.

 

P.S In all of these comments, I'm ignoring your ages. That may or may not factor into your ability to handle the situation, but I figure that as long as you are honest with yourself and thoughtful about the situation, that will factor automatically into whether you are willing to consider entering their family and his life at this stage of your own life.

 

Sorry I went kinda long there, but once I get talking... Anyway, does that sound like it speaks to your situation, or am I more or less off-base?

Edited February 13, 2014 by Trimmer

[veggirl]

imo if a guy is so damaged and "scared" that he doesn't know after FIVE MONTHS if he wants to be in a relationship with me then he is NOT relationship material. I think you're in for a rude awakening, OP.

[salparadise]

I would reverse the question and ask, would you want to be with a man who has a daughter and does not make her his priority? People who are parents, assuming they take that responsibility seriously, simply have a set of life experiences and perceptions that other people don't fully understand. Add to that your overall lack of life experiences due to being so young, plus the 12 year age difference, and I think it would be surprising if there were not an offset in terms of perspectives, awareness and priorities.

 

It's hard for me to imagine that you'd feel like you're competing with the daughter in a sense, but that's my gap in awareness I suppose. Since being divorced I've dated two women who had daughters about the same age as my daughter (college) and one who had no children. It's anecdotal so I won't try and make broad generalizations, but the one who did not have children presumed to understand a lot (based on experience being a daughter of divorce), but there was a lot that she just didn't get, both cognitively and emotionality, about my role and relationship with my child. The strange part of it to me was that she had little awareness of her lack of awareness. She even presumed to offer advice and call me out for not being completely rational in certain situations! That's not to say that I'd never date another woman who never had kids, but if I do I'll certainly be noticing what level of awareness she has with regard to parenthood.

 

Another relevant point I'd make is the relatively short duration of the relationship. It takes about six months (imho) to get to know someone pretty well. Up until that time you are mostly enjoying the honeymoon phase and not really seeing beneath the surface. Yes, it's possible for a man to just jump from one short-term relationship to another for various reasons related to being commitment phobic, but it's also possible that a man (or woman) who really wants a life partner to date and really care, but sort of keep an open mind on the lifetime aspect for about six months. My feeling is, assuming you're looking for serious commitment, that after about six or eight months you should cut your losses and move on if both partners aren't full of enthusiasm and feeling the relationship growing much stronger, and in a different way than it was during the first few months.

 

My suggestion would be to consider the contexts of differing feelings about your relationship, and sort them out separately... a) are you both experiencing an amazing connection and feelings of love, and b) is daughter something you can see enhancing your life rather than being a compromise that you must accept? Nobody is qualified to tell you what to do (why do people presume to have all the answers?), so these are just a few things you might want to be thinking about. I hope things work out for you regardless.

[Quiet Storm]

You are being naive if you think men won't string you along for months... some will do it for years.

 

I don't doubt that he cares about you, enjoys your company and wants this to last for as long as you are willing.

 

It's the perfect set up for him. He gets the benefits of your company, sex, someone to go out with, someone to talk to. You say he wouldn't play games, but hes not going to see it that way. From his perspective, he's genuinely enjoying you, and you are enjoying him. He was upfront that he's not ready for a serious relationship. You are rationalizing, telling yourself that his attention and interest in you means what you want it to mean. It can simply mean that he likes you and enjoys your company.

 

Young women often assume that the guy feels the same as they do. Most women date to find someone that they connect with, expecting that an intense connection, love, compatibility will result in a serious, long term relationship. They are looking for "the one" and won't often remain in limbo with a guy they know isn't "the one".

 

Men will enjoy the intense connection, romance and love, but this doesn't always prompt them to get serious. They are much more in the moment, enjoying it for what it is without future expectations. This is hard for some women to understand, because we naturally want to be with the person we love forever. Men are more likely to accept that this isn't going to last forever. The lets enjoy it while it lasts mentality.

 

Also, if he knew you were"the one", he'd want you for his girlfriend. He would not want to risk another guy swooping in. He'd want you to be able to say "I have a boyfriend" when guys flirt with you. He would not want to risk losing you.

 

You know how we always say, pay attention to actions, not words? Think about your words vs actions. You say you want a relationship, but you patiently wait in limbo. What does those actions show him? That your words are just words... You will accept less than what you want and deserve. You will allow him to benefit from your love, sex and companionship and he doesn't have to commit- he can keep stalling and asking for time until you finally get fed up. So he's putting the ball in your court- I'm not ready for a relationship, I know you want something serious, but if you like me so much and are willing to tolerate it, great!

Edited February 13, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[RedRobin]

You are being naive if you think men won't string you along for months... some will do it for years.

 

I don't doubt that he cares about you, enjoys your company and wants this to last for as long as you are willing.

 

It's the perfect set up for him. He gets the benefits of your company, sex, someone to go out with, someone to talk to. You say he wouldn't play games, but hes not going to see it that way. From his perspective, he's genuinely enjoying you, and you are enjoying him. He was upfront that he's not ready for a serious relationship. You are rationalizing, telling yourself that his attention and interest in you means what you want it to mean. It can simply mean that he likes you and enjoys your company.

 

Young women often assume that the guy feels the same as they do. Most women date to find someone that they connect with, expecting that an intense connection, love, compatibility will result in a serious, long term relationship. They are looking for "the one" and won't often remain in limbo with a guy they know isn't "the one".

 

Men will enjoy the intense connection, romance and love, but this doesn't always prompt them to get serious. They are much more in the moment, enjoying it for what it is without future expectations. This is hard for some women to understand, because we naturally want to be with the person we love forever. Men are more likely to accept that this isn't going to last forever. The lets enjoy it while it lasts mentality.

 

Also, if he knew you were"the one", he'd want you for his girlfriend. He would not want to risk another guy swooping in. He'd want you to be able to say "I have a boyfriend" when guys flirt with you. He would not want to risk losing you.

 

You know how we always say, pay attention to actions, not words? Think about your words vs actions. You say you want a relationship, but you patiently wait in limbo. What does those actions show him? That your words are just words... You will accept less than what you want and deserve. You will allow him to benefit from your love, sex and companionship and he doesn't have to commit- he can keep stalling and asking for time until you finally get fed up. So he's putting the ball in your court- I'm not ready for a relationship, I know you want something serious, but if you like me so much and are willing to tolerate it, great!

 

 

Ditto on the above.

 

 

You are in denial. This guy is stringing you along. The sooner you cut him loose, the better you will feel. Go ahead and believe his 'not now' procrastination. You'll just feel that worse when months or who knows... years later... he either stays just like this or dumps you for someone he really wants to commit to.

[pteromom]

You have to remember that you aren't jealous of her. You are jealous of his pure love for her, because you want him to love you.

 

So if/when you meet her, and if/when your relationship gets serious, you must never never direct your jealousy at her, or you'll be setting up a very toxic relationship between the two of you.

 

For now, just acknowledge that you are feeling jealous, and why. And keep moving forward to see what happens next.

 

Remember that there may be reasons outside of his feelings for you that he may be cautious about integrating you more fully into his life, such as his ex, family, coworkers, etc.

[Trimmer]

Hmmm, so we've got:

imo if a guy is so damaged and "scared" that he doesn't know after FIVE MONTHS if he wants to be in a relationship with me then he is NOT relationship material. I think you're in for a rude awakening, OP.

Another relevant point I'd make is the relatively short duration of the relationship. It takes about six months (imho) to get to know someone pretty well. Up until that time you are mostly enjoying the honeymoon phase and not really seeing beneath the surface.

Discuss.

[TheBladeRunner]

imo if a guy is so damaged and "scared" that he doesn't know after FIVE MONTHS if he wants to be in a relationship with me then he is NOT relationship material. I think you're in for a rude awakening, OP.

 

I agree, 5 months is long enough. If he won't integrate you in there is more than likely a problem. I get where he is coming from, but he should know by now. I have had many dates, and 2 small relationships: the first one lasted a month as she made it VERY clear "I don't dooooo five year old's". That ended after a month as she didn't want anything to do with my daughter. The second woman I dated for 2 months, but she was such an emotional disaster that not only did I not want her near my daughter, but I couldn't deal with her as well.

 

I think it is cool you want to be involved, and after 5 months I think it's OK to feel this way. I would kill to meet someone that would be into my child, not as a mother, but to be a part of her life and be a good friend. You seem like a good person with a level head, I hope it works out.

[GollySandra]

Ha ha... Kids learn pretty quickly that "not now" and "maybe later" are totally a parent's way of saying "no." I'm not laughing at you or wishing you ill - just when I saw that it automatically ran through my "parent filter" and my immediate reaction was "oh, they are exactly the same thing..." I know you're not a kid, though, but it did make me think for a minute...

 

I think the entirety of your response was on point. I do crave exclusivity and you've given me plenty to think about. I'm extremely familiar with how life works with kids as I live with my brother and sister-in-law and take care of my 17 month old niece the majority of the time and I know how much work it is...I suppose all this time I have been looking at that at thinking "why would I mind? I do this every day and love it!" but it's hard to imagine how actually stepping into a role would effect our relationship and I haven't quite done that...I mean, I have not yet met his child.

 

I think you're right about my feelings for sure. But before I consider whether or not I actually can handle stepping into this role of step-mother (possibly) I need to figure out where this is going.

 

I talked to him briefly last night (unfortunately we have not had much time to talk) and he said he was confused, because he was under the impression that we would play this by ear and see how it goes, but now he feels I'm way ahead of him and he has to make a decision soon and if he doesn't we will have a problem.

 

I'm not sure if I should be worried about this. I explained to him that my fear is that he just doesn't want me, and that I'm not trying to rush things and I'm okay with taking our time, but it does make me afraid that I am not hesitant while he is.

 

Before we got off the phone he said I needed to communicate what I'm feeling a little more. I'm not sure how to do that now...I truly am fine with taking it slow but at the same time I do want some reassurance that there is real hope for us and he can see us together one day when he feels ready.

[GollySandra]

I would reverse the question and ask, would you want to be with a man who has a daughter and does not make her his priority? People who are parents, assuming they take that responsibility seriously, simply have a set of life experiences and perceptions that other people don't fully understand. Add to that your overall lack of life experiences due to being so young, plus the 12 year age difference, and I think it would be surprising if there were not an offset in terms of perspectives, awareness and priorities.

 

Hi, and thanks for your response. I completely get what you're saying. I believe I expressed somewhere else in this post that I definitely do not question his commitment to his daughter and I think it's wonderful that he loves her and takes care of her so well. I wish my dad was half the dad he is, seriously.

 

I know having a kid is much different and there are things I can't understand. With that said, I am a full time nanny to my 17 year old niece and I also live with the family...so I am about as familiar with life with kids as you can be without actually having them.

 

With that said I'm sure there is some truth to there being a difference in priority. I don't have my own child to put on my priority list...so that is an area in which I cannot truly relate and I'm aware of that.

 

I suppose what I have to think about now is whether or not I can truly handle not having the truly alone stage in the relationship as a previous poster put it.

 

It's hard for me to imagine that you'd feel like you're competing with the daughter in a sense, but that's my gap in awareness I suppose. Since being divorced I've dated two women who had daughters about the same age as my daughter (college) and one who had no children. It's anecdotal so I won't try and make broad generalizations, but the one who did not have children presumed to understand a lot (based on experience being a daughter of divorce), but there was a lot that she just didn't get, both cognitively and emotionality, about my role and relationship with my child. The strange part of it to me was that she had little awareness of her lack of awareness. She even presumed to offer advice and call me out for not being completely rational in certain situations! That's not to say that I'd never date another woman who never had kids, but if I do I'll certainly be noticing what level of awareness she has with regard to parenthood.

 

Another relevant point I'd make is the relatively short duration of the relationship. It takes about six months (imho) to get to know someone pretty well. Up until that time you are mostly enjoying the honeymoon phase and not really seeing beneath the surface. Yes, it's possible for a man to just jump from one short-term relationship to another for various reasons related to being commitment phobic, but it's also possible that a man (or woman) who really wants a life partner to date and really care, but sort of keep an open mind on the lifetime aspect for about six months. My feeling is, assuming you're looking for serious commitment, that after about six or eight months you should cut your losses and move on if both partners aren't full of enthusiasm and feeling the relationship growing much stronger, and in a different way than it was during the first few months.

 

My suggestion would be to consider the contexts of differing feelings about your relationship, and sort them out separately... a) are you both experiencing an amazing connection and feelings of love, and b) is daughter something you can see enhancing your life rather than being a compromise that you must accept? Nobody is qualified to tell you what to do (why do people presume to have all the answers?), so these are just a few things you might want to be thinking about. I hope things work out for you regardless.

 

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I suppose being so young five months does seem like a long time...we are approaching six months pretty soon. It's actually encouraging to hear you say that it isn't a long amount of time because so many people are telling me that he obviously doesn't want to make me his girlfriend or enter a relationship (however you would like to put it) because it's been five months. My impression that he was not ready so it's nice to hear confirmation that I'm not crazy for thinking that .

 

I will definitely think about all of it and keep it in mind as the relationship (hopefully) progresses.

[GollySandra]

I agree, 5 months is long enough. If he won't integrate you in there is more than likely a problem. I get where he is coming from, but he should know by now. I have had many dates, and 2 small relationships: the first one lasted a month as she made it VERY clear "I don't dooooo five year old's". That ended after a month as she didn't want anything to do with my daughter. The second woman I dated for 2 months, but she was such an emotional disaster that not only did I not want her near my daughter, but I couldn't deal with her as well.

 

I think it is cool you want to be involved, and after 5 months I think it's OK to feel this way. I would kill to meet someone that would be into my child, not as a mother, but to be a part of her life and be a good friend. You seem like a good person with a level head, I hope it works out.

 

Thank you. So what would you suggest? I'm interested in this consideration...

 

You have to remember that you aren't jealous of her. You are jealous of his pure love for her, because you want him to love you.

 

So if/when you meet her, and if/when your relationship gets serious, you must never never direct your jealousy at her, or you'll be setting up a very toxic relationship between the two of you.

 

For now, just acknowledge that you are feeling jealous, and why. And keep moving forward to see what happens next.

 

Remember that there may be reasons outside of his feelings for you that he may be cautious about integrating you more fully into his life, such as his ex, family, coworkers, etc.

 

 

I agree with pretty much all of this post. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that at five months there are still things he isn't sure about. He mentioned he doesn't know much about my dating history and some other things he wants discuss...how much of a red flag is it really with all this in mind?

[veggirl]

ffs he acts like you are asking for a marriage proposal. See what happens? FOR HOW LONG?

 

RUN.

 

He is wasting your time. and now he feels "pressured" hahaha, PLEASE. Any guy who is into you would be happy and excited to call you his gf, not feel pressured and anxious.

 

Tell him you're done. Tell him you want more and if he's "not ready" then that's fine but you are moving on to find someone who IS ready.

 

OR at the very least tell him you enjoy him and will continue seeing him...but will also be dating others. I mean he's not your bf so might as well see what else is out there. Don't wait for this guy.

[Poppygoodwill]

 

Before we got off the phone he said I needed to communicate what I'm feeling a little more. I'm not sure how to do that now...I truly am fine with taking it slow but at the same time I do want some reassurance that there is real hope for us and he can see us together one day when he feels ready.

 

I'm afraid that you're contradicting yourself here, because 'taking it slow' usually means *not* defining the relationship, it means, not extending promises about the future, it means, not looking too far ahead and instead focusing on the day to day.

 

I totally understand that you're really into him and you want to know if you're wasting your time becuase he feels differently. You're hoping that he will say Not now, but someday" in a way that reassures you that he sees a future.

 

But the fact that he is so reluctant to define things, to move out of the day to day *is* your answer....

 

if you want assurance that this thing is going somewhere, he can't give it to you. Otherwise he would have. But he can't. And he deserves credit for not faking it, or doing the easy thing and just telling you what you want to hear.

 

I know it's hard to hear the real message when it's wrapped up in neutral language as he tries not to hurt you and also tries to meet your needs, but sometimes the *lack* of a clear answer... *is* the answer.

[zebracolors]

GollySandra asked how do other women in a similar situation deal with the feelings earlier in the thread. I'll share advice that was given to me, as I'm in a very similar situation, except I'm 38. You've heard arguments for both letting this guy go, or sticking to it. And there've been some good points to consider either way.

 

If you choose to remain in this, and see where it goes I would consider just slightly distancing yourself by seriously focusing on other things in your life. In the times you're not with this man, you could make activity dates with your friends with just the intent to have fun. I also like the idea of really focusing on your post graduation career. Believe me, if you are sincerely dedicated to your studies, or whatever work you do, it will impress him so much. This way, you won't seem to be so hung up on waiting for him to define anything, you'll show some independence, which is also impressive, by metaphorically saying "You know I'm here and where I stand" and let him decide his own feelings, but also quiet trust that you're comfortable with the pace things are moving, taking pressure off him maybe?

 

Or if you choose, I think someone also mentioned dating other guys, (and if he hasn't also defined anything up to this point, than you don't need to feel guilty about just letting yourself meet other people) However I get the sense that you would choose to remain faithful. After all, even though he would not need to know, you'd want to know for yourself that you could be faithful.

[GollySandra]

GollySandra asked how do other women in a similar situation deal with the feelings earlier in the thread. I'll share advice that was given to me, as I'm in a very similar situation, except I'm 38. You've heard arguments for both letting this guy go, or sticking to it. And there've been some good points to consider either way.

 

If you choose to remain in this, and see where it goes I would consider just slightly distancing yourself by seriously focusing on other things in your life. In the times you're not with this man, you could make activity dates with your friends with just the intent to have fun. I also like the idea of really focusing on your post graduation career. Believe me, if you are sincerely dedicated to your studies, or whatever work you do, it will impress him so much. This way, you won't seem to be so hung up on waiting for him to define anything, you'll show some independence, which is also impressive, by metaphorically saying "You know I'm here and where I stand" and let him decide his own feelings, but also quiet trust that you're comfortable with the pace things are moving, taking pressure off him maybe?

 

Or if you choose, I think someone also mentioned dating other guys, (and if he hasn't also defined anything up to this point, than you don't need to feel guilty about just letting yourself meet other people) However I get the sense that you would choose to remain faithful. After all, even though he would not need to know, you'd want to know for yourself that you could be faithful.

 

Thank you. I have been trying to do what you suggested so far in the relationship and I think it has worked...even now I am not very dependent on our relationship. I work a full time and a part time job and I go to school part time. I really enjoy being with him and I'm going to stick with it...I just also don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time hoping for something that will never happen...but in spite of many of the comments here I have a really hard time believing that just because five months have passed without us defining a relationship means he doesn't want a relationship with me...there are too many other things involved for me to think that's a logical way of looking at it. We aren't even done with relationship conversation, so I can't assume that just because we haven't talked it out yet.

 

You're right that I want to remain faithful, I just have no desire to meet other people. We've been dating exclusively for a while now so I don't have to worry about him just moving on for someone else he wants to see.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thank you. So what would you suggest? I'm interested in this consideration...

 

I would tell him exactly what's on your mind, how you're feeling and what you want. I would ask what HIS feelings are and you need to be prepared for what you hear. I have kept my relationships with the two woman I dated for more than a week away from my daughter. I'm NOT looking for perfect, but there were some serious issues that only arise after you know someone for awhile. I guess the way I see it is that if I were with someone for that long I would be starting to introduce my daughter my significant other.

 

I do have one question: how long has your BF been divorced? This may be creating a problem as well and you don't even know it. What happened with his marriage? Was he cheated on? All this can play a factor in that he may not want ANYONE getting close to his daughter for fear that you may just go away. I refuse to bring woman in and out of my daughter's life, although I have been gone for almost 19 months, she is young and still confused about me and my XW, me adding someone that may not stick around would make it much more confusing. I have friends both male and female that have had their "dates" in way too early with the kids and it led to nothing but heartache in the end and they regret not waiting. Five months is a long time though, frankly, if I'm willing to spend that much time with someone they will more than likely have "defined" some sort of relationship with me and I them otherwise I would be on my way.

 

You are so young, honestly, I would look for someone with less baggage. This is coming from a guy in his mid forties that has been married twice and I have a child from the second marriage (I have my issues too). Divorce alone can create a lot of challenges, but when you add a child into the mix it can get complicated.

 

I would however get right to the point with him and tell him exactly what you need, if you can't agree then you may want to consider moving on. I read other parts of the thread and I have to tell you that I would give my own life for my daughter. I never thought I would think that, but you don't know until you have one of your own. I firmly believe that there needs to be a balance with whoever I meet and my child; I have to have a life too . Be careful about putting him in a spot where he must choose between his daughter and you, you'll lose that one I assure you.

 

I would get to the bottom of this quick if I were you, I know I keep saying this....but 5 months is a long time without knowing where you really stand and what the future holds for you.

[salparadise]

With that said I'm sure there is some truth to there being a difference in priority. I don't have my own child to put on my priority list...so that is an area in which I cannot truly relate and I'm aware of that.

 

Correct, being a nanny is not the same. Most people only know what it is to love another person completely and selflessly when they have children. A parent's love for a child is pure and unconditional. Romantic love is reciprocal, and contingent on getting one's own needs met, more or less. But love for a child often means subjugating one's own needs for theirs. The feeling defies explanation. Try to tune into this feeling to understand and appreciate your boyfriend more completely.

 

I suppose what I have to think about now is whether or not I can truly handle not having the truly alone stage in the relationship as a previous poster put it.

Yes, your timelines are a bit out of sync and that's sacrifice you will have to make. Also consider that being a step-parent is not the same as being a parent, so even if you ended up marrying him it wouldn't be the same experience. Which then begs more question about having kids of your own...

 

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I suppose being so young five months does seem like a long time...we are approaching six months pretty soon. It's actually encouraging to hear you say that it isn't a long amount of time because so many people are telling me that he obviously doesn't want to make me his girlfriend or enter a relationship (however you would like to put it) because it's been five months. My impression that he was not ready so it's nice to hear confirmation that I'm not crazy for thinking that.

 

People have different (often rigid) ideas about what is supposed to happen in X amount of time. There is no supposed to, no universal right or wrong. It depends entirely upon what works for you and your boyfriend. As Patsy said, you got to run your own life, sweetie.

 

My opinion (which I will not try to shove down your throat, and caution you agains those who do) is that five months is roughly how much time it takes to start feeling whether a relationship truly has long-term potential. If so, then you need to make sure your partner is on board (which is what you seem to be doing), and if not then it's a good point to cut your losses and move on.

 

I am older, so I don't want to waste my precious time on a woman who's just good-timing me. Yes, women will do that to men too. It's not nearly as black and white as certain misandrists in this thread would have you believe. I don't blame you at all for wondering how serious he is––that's part of running your own life––but I also don't think you should be making the negative assumptions that other posters presume to be so certain about. Use your brains and intuition to figure it out and either compromise (if there's not too big a discrepancy) or do what's right for you. I wouldn't want you to get burned, but I also wouldn't want you to end a beautiful relationship because certain posters have been burned and only see things in one color... Red

[kaylan]

Why waste your youth on this? Get out OP. Simple. Find someone your own age and have fun.

[GollySandra]

I am older, so I don't want to waste my precious time on a woman who's just good-timing me. Yes, women will do that to men too. It's not nearly as black and white as certain misandrists in this thread would have you believe. I don't blame you at all for wondering how serious he is––that's part of running your own life––but I also don't think you should be making the negative assumptions that other posters presume to be so certain about. Use your brains and intuition to figure it out and either compromise (if there's not too big a discrepancy) or do what's right for you. I wouldn't want you to get burned, but I also wouldn't want you to end a beautiful relationship because certain posters have been burned and only see things in one color... Red

 

Thank you, you're very right.

 

Update. We had a great night last night...he bought a toothbrush for me to keep at his house and a loofah. He said he didn't put a lot of thought into it but that he feels I am apart of his life and I should have something at his place that is his...this is looking pretty good.

 

Then we started talking about the relationship a little. He said he wanted to think about it more, that he has struggled transitioning from married to divorced single parent all at once and he hasn't really been thinking about getting into a relationship at all. But he also said that it makes sense and he is not opposed to it and he will think on it more to make sure he feels it is something he can handle right now and will get back to me.

 

Thanks for everyone's insight, some of it was very helpful . Things are looking up now.

[Els]

Why do you feel you need to make yourself okay with something that you are not?

 

Gut feelings are there for a reason, especially this early on in a relationship. If you felt strongly against certain aspects of this relationship, why do you think it would be a good idea to try and rationalize yourself into feeling okay about them?

[FitChick]

he has struggled transitioning from married to divorced single parent and he hasn't really been thinking about getting into a relationship at all.

You are the classic Transitional Woman. A woman a man dates to get him back into the single world. Once he feels comfortable and confident again he will probably dump you since you will remind him of a painful time in his life.

 

I really should make this my signature line since I've said it on this forum often enough:

 

Don't date anyone who has been divorced less than two years. They are not ready for a serious relationship.