theediblewoman Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Ok OP, I'm not going to tell you not to do it because I have been in your shoes and I had people do the same to me and I know it won't change anything for you. I started dating my ex when I was 20 and he was 29 and he had a 10 year old daughter. I didn't feel jealous of her at the beginning and I, like you, am what I would consider mature for my age and also very family minded, however as time went on I felt more and more left out and jealous of his daughter. I was with him for 3 years and while I mostly got along with his daughter and she was really excited about being around, she totally played into my insecurities though by saying things to me like "dad will never love you as much as he loves me" and trying to start fights between her father and . I ended up feeling like an immature bitch for taking things a kid was saying to me personally and also feeling jealous of her. I felt like I couldn't discuss my feelings with my bf because there wasn't much he could do about my feelings because obviously he is going to prioritize his daughter. In the end I broke up with him because of many other reasons and at the time the kid wasn't at the top of my reasons but being in a different relationship now (with a guy only 6 years older and childless) I am much happier,It's just a lot easier. Relationships are already so complicated without children involved, but having one that is not yours around takes a lot of work, maturity and patience and even if you understand that intellectually, emotionally it might be a lot harder than you think.In the end, I think for myself at least, I was not mature enough to handle the situation and neither was my bf (but wow do I ever have respect for step parents now!). If you are going to stick it out with this guy you have a challenging road ahead of you and I don't really have any tips for dealing with the jealousy aside from be ready to deal with the fact that it may not go away.
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Well that's depressing...I hope you're wrong. I guess I'll find out soon. How do I delete this thing?
MidwestUSA Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Well that's depressing...I hope you're wrong. I guess I'll find out soon. How do I delete this thing? Delete what? The whole thread? You'd have to ask a mod, but why? Others can learn from the advice given.
Lady2163 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Here's the thing...this whole put the children first thing is crap. An unhappy 2nd marriage will make unhappy children. Yes, yes, I know the OP is just dating the single father. I am single, with no kids. Every single father I meet or read their profiles who says, "My kids come first" has no business dating. Same goes for women. If you out your partner second, but expect them to put you or your kids first, you are being incredibly selfish and expecting a lot out of another human being. There's time for kids, there's grown up time alone without kids. There is still date night. There is showing a united front in the children's presence. I've seen this time and time again. Partner treats stepparent like they are second place. Step kids grow up and treat them they same way. Several people in my life have ended up feeling like they are guests in their own home. Now, OP could you be feeling jealous or is it just that you feel a bit left out and kind miss him during the time he has his daughter? 2
imatradie81 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I have a 3 year old son (50/50 custody) and my partner is 25 (i'm 32), we have the most amazing relationship, have weekends away, go out to dinner, adventure around and all that, sometimes with and without my son. If your boyfriend balances it right and wants you to be in his life as a priority it will work without that much stress to you at all. It's not about who's #1 and who's #2 and how you will never be the priority, all that is crap and happens only if he allows it to be that way. My partner knows how much I love her and want her in my life and she knows that I want to marry her and have kids together one day as well. Her and my son are the 2 most important people in my life. Sure there's more planning involved, my ex is not a monster I want the best for her and she wants the best for me, she and not all exes are out to ruin your life and make it more difficult. We swap days around and weekends etc and there's rarely anything I have to (or we have to) miss out on. To the point anyway, you're feeling jealous and insecure because your boyfriend has not taken the time to make you feel secure and as a priority in the relationship. There's horror stories all over the internet but I am telling you it can work and you can be so happy together. 4
Lady2163 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I have a 3 year old son (50/50 custody) and my partner is 25 (i'm 32), we have the most amazing relationship, have weekends away, go out to dinner, adventure around and all that, sometimes with and without my son. If your boyfriend balances it right and wants you to be in his life as a priority it will work without that much stress to you at all. It's not about who's #1 and who's #2 and how you will never be the priority, all that is crap and happens only if he allows it to be that way. My partner knows how much I love her and want her in my life and she knows that I want to marry her and have kids together one day as well. Her and my son are the 2 most important people in my life. Sure there's more planning involved, my ex is not a monster I want the best for her and she wants the best for me, she and not all exes are out to ruin your life and make it more difficult. We swap days around and weekends etc and there's rarely anything I have to (or we have to) miss out on. To the point anyway, you're feeling jealous and insecure because your boyfriend has not taken the time to make you feel secure and as a priority in the relationship. There's horror stories all over the internet but I am telling you it can work and you can be so happy together. That is just an awesome post!
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 He really only has her on weekends, it's not as though I get neglected for her. I don't think I should come before his kid...but I wonder if his kid makes him hesitant to get into a relationship with a younger girl.
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I have a 3 year old son (50/50 custody) and my partner is 25 (i'm 32), we have the most amazing relationship, have weekends away, go out to dinner, adventure around and all that, sometimes with and without my son. If your boyfriend balances it right and wants you to be in his life as a priority it will work without that much stress to you at all. It's not about who's #1 and who's #2 and how you will never be the priority, all that is crap and happens only if he allows it to be that way. My partner knows how much I love her and want her in my life and she knows that I want to marry her and have kids together one day as well. Her and my son are the 2 most important people in my life. Sure there's more planning involved, my ex is not a monster I want the best for her and she wants the best for me, she and not all exes are out to ruin your life and make it more difficult. We swap days around and weekends etc and there's rarely anything I have to (or we have to) miss out on. To the point anyway, you're feeling jealous and insecure because your boyfriend has not taken the time to make you feel secure and as a priority in the relationship. There's horror stories all over the internet but I am telling you it can work and you can be so happy together. Thank you, that's encouraging. Now after hearing someone else tell me he must not want it to work I have to deal with that .
CarrieT Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 How do I delete this thing? Threads like this don't get deleted. If you wish to abandon the thread you can do so, but it will remain here...
Poppygoodwill Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) I have dated two divorced men with children. The first one kept me at arm's length and at first it made perfect sense of course but over time it became clear that it wasn't really about the kids but that he was using them as an excuse to keep me at arm's length. The analogy I used when I ended it was that it felt like he was always inviting me into his home, but leaving me sitting in the foyer. This can feel especially uncomfortable when he is always in the (metaphorical) kitchen with the kids and you're left in the empty, lonely foyer. Plus it's boring to sit by yourself in a foyer, so I got up and left. You wrote this: We talked last week about possibly defining the relationship and he said he takes it very seriously and isn't sure he is ready because he isn't looking for his next wife yet, but that we can think about it and revisit the conversation and find common ground. This strikes me as a very mature person's diplomatic way to say I don't want to talk about it because I don't feel the same need to talk about it as you because I don't feel the same way you do. He's letting you down gently. That's good, but the problem is that you're thinking big thoughts: could I be a stepmother? Could we be together over the long haul? but he's not. He's telling you straight up: I'm not looking for a wife, I don't want to define the relationship. I like it as it is. I don't want to change it. I'm not saying he's messing you about, because he's being upfront. But clearly you two are at very different stages in your thoughts and feelings. Important I think to pay attention to that, otherwise you could get hurt here. Which leads me to the second divorced dad I dated. He was cautious to bring his kids too much into it because he didn't want to disrupt them of course, but he also didn't want to foist them on me before I was ready, before we were serious enough to ask it of me to take on a man with three kids already. But as our relationship developed he became intent on having me meet them and finding a way to slowly integrate the two parts of his life....which he clearly felt were both important - the kids and me. That's the difference. Same set of issues but a totally different way of dealing with them based on the fact that Dad #2 really cared about me and was very serious about us. So he found a way to make it work. I've since married him and he and I and the three kids hang out in the metaphorical kitchen and it's all good. A final word about your jealously. I get it. it's a fact of life when you get together with someone who has kids. You'll just have to manage it on your own - don't talk to him about it because he'll feel put in the middle and like you're asking him to choose. Talk to your girlfriends or your family or your counsellor. But it *will* be better when you spend time with the two of them so it's not always such a 'me or her' scenario. The best advice I got is this: Don't take it personally. Take heart, hang in there and keep your wits about you. Edited February 12, 2014 by Poppygoodwill
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 What you're saying makes sense...I think I am getting a little ahead of him here. I guess I just need to talk to him now about if he just wants to wait or if he doesn't want a relationship at all...that's a tough conversation, I'm not sure how to approach it. He has said he really values what we have and cares about me and he shows it...which led me to believe he just wanted to wait but I don't know anymore.
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 And I agree with you, I would never ever mention my jealousy to him, I know that would just seem insane to him! I'm hoping it is something I can work through until I get to meet her, because I do love kids and I think that I will love being able to meet her and spend time with them both...I recognize the challenges that come with it but I do feel that once I get the chance to be a little more involved that will make me feel more secure and those feelings won't be the challenge anymore. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 And I agree with you, I would never ever mention my jealousy to him, I know that would just seem insane to him! I'm hoping it is something I can work through until I get to meet her, because I do love kids and I think that I will love being able to meet her and spend time with them both...I recognize the challenges that come with it but I do feel that once I get the chance to be a little more involved that will make me feel more secure and those feelings won't be the challenge anymore. It really will make you feel better. Right now it probably very much when she shows up, you have to disappear. And vice versa. It can make you feel, over time, as if you're some sort of problem on a very basic level, even though you know why it's happening. It gets to you. That said, after you meet her and spend time together, if she has a problem with that (and many kids do because they naturally feel divided loyalties and so on) then you also can feel like problem. As in, 'they'd be fine and happy if I wasn't in the picture'. But again, it's not personal. It's the idea of someone, not you yourself. Anyhow, I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe you do need to talk more directly with him. Or maybe - just maybe - if you enjoy his company and are having fun, you could let it play out and see where it goes?
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I do really enjoy my time with him and value his friendship...at the same time I'm falling hard and feel like I'm past the point of no return there . I can be patient but I do want to know if he can see us in a relationship at some point or not. Is that crazy to ask him?
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Oh and his daughter is a gorgeous and sweet two year old, I don't know if there will be too many issues with her not wanting me around since she's not in an age range to really notice that a lot .
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I do really enjoy my time with him and value his friendship...at the same time I'm falling hard and feel like I'm past the point of no return there . I can be patient but I do want to know if he can see us in a relationship at some point or not. Is that crazy to ask him? I thought you already asked him, and he said that you can both think it through, revisit the issue and see if you can find some common ground?
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I didn't ask him that specifically. I just brought up that I would like to define our relationship.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 What's the difference between bringing up that you'd like to define the relationship, and asking if he can see you in a relationship at some point? You will be forever dragging this guy kicking and screaming into a relationship, if it even gets that far, unfortunately. After five months you're well within your rights to ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you or not. But you need to be ready and willing to walk away if the answer isn't what you want. And if it was what he wanted, he'd have asked you already. Some tough decisions ahead. 1
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I don't think I agree actually. There is a difference between a "no" and a "not now". If he just doesn't feel ready I'm willing to wait, if he doesn't want one at all then I need to move on. Not everyone's time line for dating is the same. I think it would be silly to assume that just because he hasn't moved forward in five months he doesn't want a relationship at all, he would not stick around for five months if he were just messing around and he has said that to me and he has also said he is not just having fun. He's had a lot of hard changes in his life recently so there is more than a small chance he isn't ready to commit not that he doesn't want to.
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I get your points but I find it hard to put much weight in your opinion since you don't have an open mind at all...you don't know either one of us or our relationship, don't you think what you're saying is very assumptive with that in mind?
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Well, I can only base what I'm saying on the information that you've given us. If I'm clearly wrong there will be people along to give their counter-point, and of course none of us actually know you or the guy. But from scanning the thread it does seem like the majority think you're wasting your time, right? People will 'mess around' for five months, if they're getting companionship, sex and fun without any commitment or any particular drain on their lives. In some respects it's the ideal scenario for a lot of guys. I'm not trying to come down hard on you and I know you'll see it through because you have feelings for the guy, I have no vested interest other than trying to help you out with my own take on the situation, which you are of course free to ignore I do wish you the best of luck, report back if there are any changes as I'm curious what will happen. 3
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Ummm there were quite a few who were supportive actually. Of course no one knows us but my point is you were saying "it's definitely this" and that's what made your post unbelievable to me...I did consider what you said for a long time but I'm certain that at worst there is more to it than what you're saying...he is very conscious about being there for me and making sure I know he cares about me and it's obvious that he does. I don't see why he would bother if he were really just stringing me along to have fun. He's also very direct... ...I appreciate your input and help though and I will keep you guys updated.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You're right, it's super easy on the internet to be very absolutist, especially in a board like this where it seems like the same twenty or so 'problems' crop up every day just with a different dressing on. It's tempting to cut straight to the chase with 'this is what's happening' but hopefully it's clear from the fact that nobody knows what's going on inside his head but him that it's all nothing but opinion. Good luck, anyway
FitChick Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 He'll keep dating you until you start making demands and asking him "What about my needs? My time is valuable, too!" As long as you totally go along with him for everything without question, you can still see him. The slightest challenge or difference of opinion and he'll be gone. He's newly divorced and doesn't want anything serious now. That is a perfectly normal and expected reaction. Ask those of us who have dated divorced men. It's up to you how much time you want to sit on your hands. 3
Author GollySandra Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I don't know why I'm trying to prove you wrong, I get it's an opinion. Thank you .
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