Dating a single dad gets harder every day

[GollySandra]

hey everyone,

 

I joined this forum because I have this issue that no one I know can relate with.

 

I'm 21 and dating a 33 year old single dad. We've been together five months now, but we have yet to define the relationship...feelings have been expressed but he takes relationships very seriously and wants to approach it in a no-nonsense way, which I'm good with. I think it can work out, we get along well, have similar values and perception, want the same things, and for the most part I'm very happy with him.

 

He works full time and has a good career and has his 2 year old beautiful daughter all day Saturday and part of Sunday. I have yet to meet her and if I do meet her it will be when/if we do decide to get into a relationship.

 

Anyway, my problem is that I'm starting to feel jealous. She is the apple of his eye and I am realizing I'll never have the chance to be the number one in his life. She will always melt his heart and since he's been married before I wonder if all the romantic magic is just not that interesting to him anymore. It's not that I need a lot of romance per se because I believe relationships should be taken seriously and I don't want to jump into anything I haven't thought through either...the real problem is just that I can't even have half of the effect on him as she does. I know I can't compete for his attention because it's not a competition...she IS the most important one in his life...but every time he talks about how much he loves her my heart sinks a little bit, because I guess I wish he felt half as strongly about me. If he does he doesn't really say it...

 

It's just hard to come to terms with. I know I can't be the only woman who has felt this way...does anyone have advice on how to...get over it? deal with it? I'm seriously insecure

[Allumere]

Simply put, this relationship will not work for you. Plus you are at a much different place in life given the age gap. I know you have feelings for him but again, this isn't going to work. Go out experience life, have romantic flings and/or relationships, get swept off your feet, travel, try new things, have a career or satisfying job....too young to be in this situation!

[MidwestUSA]

If you're jealous of a two year old, wait until she's twelve. My husband's ex was thrilled when he got custody of his five year old daughter. Until the trouble teen years arrived. Wife eventually gave him the ultimatum, 'her or me', and of course he chose his daughter.

 

Take a long look at yourself and decide if you really want to be in the position of stepmother in your early twenties. It's not for everyone.

 

I'm sure he wants the romance, and he may actually give it to you - the best way that he knows how, with another love of his life in the picture. It doesn't sound like that's going to be enough for you, quite honestly.

[MsOptimist]

I agree that you're very young to be in this situation. It's been 5 months and I think it's telling that there hasn't been any defining of the relationship or talk of what each of you want out of the relationship.

 

I'm not sure how he could think that it could turn into something serious given your age. A 12 year age gap isn't that big of a deal when you're older, but 21 and 33, especially when the older partner has already been married and has kids, is a huge gap in mentality.

 

How long has he been divorced? I hate to say it, but he may just be looking to have a bit of fun with such a younger woman.

 

I am dating a single dad and yes, it is challenging and is becoming more challenging - but I am up for the challenge and aware that he is a package deal with his kids. I am 33 and he is 44 and we are both divorced. I have met his kids and he has them 50-60% of the time.

 

Plans will change according to their needs, especially when they are so young. For myself it is becoming easier in the sense that he now incorporates me into his time with them. He's no longer off limits in person when he's with the kids.

 

Another thing to think about is that his ex-wife will always be in the picture. They will always be in contact due to the children.

 

I think it's a lot to deal with at such a young age, even if you are very mature for your age.

[LEEVIT2F8]

I am 40 with 2 kids and have dated mostly women in their mid to early 20's. Most of them have been picked because they are young, beautiful, and safe. If he hasnt given you a real role past hot young girlfriend in his life after 5 months hes probably not planning on it.

 

I the past 5 years Ive had a few relationships last about 5 months and then fizzle quickly. For me, I started losing interest as soon as they started to push to be invited to "family" things.

 

Do you love him more then your father loves you? Does that question sound ridiculous to you? If not then you have some daddy issues to work on.

 

Being jealous of a father's love for his children is 100% your issue. Love comes in many forms and are not quantifiable nor should they be measured. Right now your jealous of a 2 year old!! If you tell him this hes gone REALLY fast.

[GollySandra]

Lots of assumptions are made here. I have thought about at length what being a step mom would be like...and I don't feel that I would be "giving up" my youth being in a relationship such as this one. I have done enough dating around to know that just isn't my thing, I'm a family girl, I'm committed and loyal, and I don't want to screw around, it's not fun for me at all.

 

I think it's important to remember that every situation is unique. We have talked about what we want from the relationship but we both decided we didn't want to jump in, we want to take it slow and allow things to happen naturally. That does not mean there won't be a relationship, he knew from the start that is what I ultimately want and he explicitly said we will take it slow and see what happens...you can interpret that the way you want but I know him well enough to know he means what he says and he is not playing games with me.

 

Anyways, I'm simply asking for advice on how to deal with emotions, what it's like dating a single dad once you start getting involved with the kids. If you try to convince me this relationship won't work or isn't good you are wasting your time here . I know that the emotions aren't "correct" but they are there, I have to deal with them, I have to understand them and process them...so I'm wondering how other women do that.

[GollySandra]

I agree that you're very young to be in this situation. It's been 5 months and I think it's telling that there hasn't been any defining of the relationship or talk of what each of you want out of the relationship.

 

I'm not sure how he could think that it could turn into something serious given your age. A 12 year age gap isn't that big of a deal when you're older, but 21 and 33, especially when the older partner has already been married and has kids, is a huge gap in mentality.

 

How long has he been divorced? I hate to say it, but he may just be looking to have a bit of fun with such a younger woman.

 

I am dating a single dad and yes, it is challenging and is becoming more challenging - but I am up for the challenge and aware that he is a package deal with his kids. I am 33 and he is 44 and we are both divorced. I have met his kids and he has them 50-60% of the time.

 

Plans will change according to their needs, especially when they are so young. For myself it is becoming easier in the sense that he now incorporates me into his time with them. He's no longer off limits in person when he's with the kids.

 

Another thing to think about is that his ex-wife will always be in the picture. They will always be in contact due to the children.

 

I think it's a lot to deal with at such a young age, even if you are very mature for your age.

 

Hey, thank you for your response. I posted this before but while I understand the idea that five months with no definition seems weird, it isn't weird to us. We *have* discussed what we want and he knows I want a relationship eventually, we just agreed it would be best to take it slow and allow things to progress naturally and they are doing that. I know him well enough to know he means what he says and he isn't playing games with me .

 

He and I have talked to this and he explicitly said he isn't just having fun with me. He's been divorced two years now. It might be true that he isn't sure he is ready to commit but as I said he knows what I want. We talked last week about possibly defining the relationship and he said he takes it very seriously and isn't sure he is ready because he isn't looking for his next wife yet, but that we can think about it and revisit the conversation and find common ground.

 

I know it is a lot to deal with but I am very familiar with complex family situations. I live with my brother who is the same age as my boyfriend with his wife and kids, I've dealt with the consequences of my parents divorce and the effect it's had on my brothers from as soon as I could understand it...I know it is different on the outside looking in but my point is I'm not your average 21 year old in this scenario. I can deal with the ex wife because his attitude towards her is indifferent but not bitter. It's a lot to handle but I don't think it's above my capabilities at all.

[BC1980]

I dated a single dad for 3 years, and I get exactly what you are saying. You will always play second fiddle, and that's just the way it is. My ex was a single dad because his wife died, so he had tons of guilt issues. I mentioned going away for a weekend, and he immediately shot it down because he didn't want to leave his son. He was going to stay with my parents for crying out loud. We weren't just dumping him off somewhere. That is when I knew it was messed up.

 

It won't get any better, but you need to decide what you can live with. What are you willing to tolerate for this guy? Is it unreasonable? Often times, it's more a give and take than someone not putting you first. Try to think of it that way.

[MidwestUSA]

I DO think that this will be easier to process, for better or worse, once you meet the child. There's every chance that you'll bond with her, and share his love of her. And what better way to admire your man but in the light of the love for his kid. Heck, I get fluttery watching my husband with his cat! Good luck!

[MsOptimist]

Hey, thank you for your response. I posted this before but while I understand the idea that five months with no definition seems weird, it isn't weird to us. We *have* discussed what we want and he knows I want a relationship eventually, we just agreed it would be best to take it slow and allow things to progress naturally and they are doing that. I know him well enough to know he means what he says and he isn't playing games with me .

 

He and I have talked to this and he explicitly said he isn't just having fun with me. He's been divorced two years now. It might be true that he isn't sure he is ready to commit but as I said he knows what I want. We talked last week about possibly defining the relationship and he said he takes it very seriously and isn't sure he is ready because he isn't looking for his next wife yet, but that we can think about it and revisit the conversation and find common ground.

 

I know it is a lot to deal with but I am very familiar with complex family situations. I live with my brother who is the same age as my boyfriend with his wife and kids, I've dealt with the consequences of my parents divorce and the effect it's had on my brothers from as soon as I could understand it...I know it is different on the outside looking in but my point is I'm not your average 21 year old in this scenario. I can deal with the ex wife because his attitude towards her is indifferent but not bitter. It's a lot to handle but I don't think it's above my capabilities at all.

 

You don't sound like a typical 21 year old based on how you write. I'm glad that you've talked to him about what you both want and what defines your relationship. I'm also glad to hear he's not freshly divorced.

 

I'll tell you some of my experiences in my relationship so far, which isn't much longer than yours yet. We're about 7 months in and we have defined our relationship as serious with long term potential.

 

My bf's kids are 5 and 8 and the 8 yr old has some health issues that require a bit more attention than a totally healthy 8 yr old (meaning there are more dr. appts. and more communication with the ex-wife regarding medications, appts, etc).

 

As I said earlier, plans can change quickly and it's not right of me to get upset by that. For example, his ex-wife has been sick so he had them on night's he normally wouldn't have them. Do I get disappointed? Sure sometimes, but it doesn't upset me. I'm not jealous of them. They need him and he aims to see them as much as he possibly can. He also aims to see me as much as possible, but obviously the needs of the children come first.

 

He couldn't do a weekend trip with me (that I had planned before we ever met) because he had the kids and it wasn't feasible to bring the kids.

 

I get a clearer picture of reality of day to day things the more time I spend with the kids - the mess, the tantrums, the shuttling them around, etc.

 

I can't really answer your questions about jealousy because I don't feel jealous of the kids. That's where I wonder if the age mentality/life experience comes into play.

 

My bf is very romantic and makes sure that I feel loved and special. Is your bf's romantic style what you need it to be? Having kids doesn't mean that your partner can't be romantic and loving, but if your needs aren't being met then he may not have time for what you need or his relationship style just doesn't match yours.

[mammasita]

OP, I don't think this is the best relationship for you long term. Your BF will never change how he feels about his daughter - and more over she is never going anywhere.

 

Unfortunately you will always be #2 in that sense.

[Kizza]

To the OP .... If you are this insecure about your relationship to harbour negative and jealous feelings toward a 2 year old and the relationship with her father then yes... you are in the wrong relationship.

 

 

You may need someone closer to your age who can give you the undivided attention you desire. I am not saying how you feel is wrong or that you are a bad person. You are a good person for identifying that this current dynamic is a problem for you.

 

 

It is your actions from this point that will determine your character. 1) Stay and be bitter and jealous (not recommended, obviously). 2) Stay and be mature, patient and understanding of the situation. Relationships involving kids on one or both sides take time and nurture. 3) Leave and find someone more suited to your wants and needs.

 

 

What ever you choose to do ..... it will not change the love he has for his daughter. The question you may need to ask yourself is would you want it to???

Edited February 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ktya]

I am not a "real" father. Actually i was in a similar situation with my ex and her daughter although not the same as we moved in together and were on ge relationship trajectory.

 

But having kids in your life is taxing. They are a lot of work, morning to night. This is all well and good when your lovey dovey with your partner. But eventually, especially in the case of a break up or divorce, a guy wants to just have fun with a girl without all the logistics of childrearing and complexities and disagreements that go along with it.

 

So single dad who is now separated gets time away from his kid and when he gets this time off wants to forget hes a dad for a little while. Goes out with younger, fun girls and doesnt have to worry about he next feeding time or bed time or a kid suddenly crying. Remember most women in their 30s either have or want kids while girls in their 20s usually want to hold off for a while.

 

Without getting mixed up into the whos using whom debate he is probably concerned about invlolving the new partner with his kid because hes terrified things will slide back into the monotony of logistics about he kid when he is with his "fun" partner and hell end up in the same zone as he ended up with his wife.

 

Remember also the ex probably has huge hangups about the kid meeting his new partners and may make it difficult for him to see the kid if he goes that route.

 

While im not a bio dad only a stepdad, i know when my ex and i broke uo i went hog wild. Just dating, having sex, talking about whatever and not constantly organizing logistics over the kid and constantly being interrupted was liberating. I still love the kid and want to see her and give her gifts dont get me wrong (my ex already has a new serious partner which makes seeing her difficult) i can see the craving to feel like your not a dad for a while and wanting to firewall the relationship from falling into "family life".

 

Give him time and dont jam on him. Youll get what you want eventually if you hang in there.

[LEEVIT2F8]

I have primary custody, my children live with me, and I do not parade women in and out of their lives.

 

My eldest son is a 5 year varsity basketball player, straight A student, and is going to college in the fall on a full scholarship.

 

My youngest son, also captain of the basketball team, also a straight A student, just got moved into 9th grade early. Both of them have very active and balanced social lives.

 

No one has EVER accused me of being a sperm donor.

 

I'm not dating idiots here and its somewhat insulting for you to say I take advantage of anyone. Yes they may be younger then I am but they are all successful adults. The current girl I'm seeing is an ex college athlete with a law degree.

 

I will never apologize for choosing to spend time with vibrant, talented, sexy, and successful people. If it offends you so highly I suggest you look in the mirror because it really has nothing to do with me or who I choose to see romantically.

Edited February 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GollySandra]

I am not a "real" father. Actually i was in a similar situation with my ex and her daughter although not the same as we moved in together and were on ge relationship trajectory.

 

But having kids in your life is taxing. They are a lot of work, morning to night. This is all well and good when your lovey dovey with your partner. But eventually, especially in the case of a break up or divorce, a guy wants to just have fun with a girl without all the logistics of childrearing and complexities and disagreements that go along with it.

 

So single dad who is now separated gets time away from his kid and when he gets this time off wants to forget hes a dad for a little while. Goes out with younger, fun girls and doesnt have to worry about he next feeding time or bed time or a kid suddenly crying. Remember most women in their 30s either have or want kids while girls in their 20s usually want to hold off for a while.

 

Without getting mixed up into the whos using whom debate he is probably concerned about invlolving the new partner with his kid because hes terrified things will slide back into the monotony of logistics about he kid when he is with his "fun" partner and hell end up in the same zone as he ended up with his wife.

 

Remember also the ex probably has huge hangups about the kid meeting his new partners and may make it difficult for him to see the kid if he goes that route.

 

While im not a bio dad only a stepdad, i know when my ex and i broke uo i went hog wild. Just dating, having sex, talking about whatever and not constantly organizing logistics over the kid and constantly being interrupted was liberating. I still love the kid and want to see her and give her gifts dont get me wrong (my ex already has a new serious partner which makes seeing her difficult) i can see the craving to feel like your not a dad for a while and wanting to firewall the relationship from falling into "family life".

 

Give him time and dont jam on him. Youll get what you want eventually if you hang in there.

 

Thank you, that was really constructive. I don't want to push him cause I have thought about all that you're saying, I would want a break too after the **** he went through! Five months tho...I'm getting a bit antsy . Thanks for your input.

[GollySandra]

Thanks for your input. I don't think we really have a difference in romantic styles...I think things just aren't moving as fast as I would like and I'm getting frustrated about that. After five months it's hard to be patient .

 

I'm looking forward to meeting her because I think that will help. She seems like a sweet little girl and the idea of maybe getting the chance to be apart of her life is exciting to me. He has had to cancel on me before to take care of her and I don't resent that...it is disappointing but I really do appreciate what a great dad he is, it was one of the first things I noticed that showed me he had great character.

[LEEVIT2F8]

I think my original post was misunderstood. I was in no way questioning his love for his daughter and I think it is precious, I wouldn't have it any other way. The only problem I have is the feeling I described...it's hard knowing I can't ever be the center of his attention. I agree with the choices. I would not be impatient with it, I would not complain, I would not question. I just have to deal with the feeling!

 

I wonder if what your feeling is him holding back? It may be you want that deep love from him and know hes capable because you see it for his daughter?

 

Remember again that romantic love is different then love for parents, siblings, and children. There is room in people's hearts to love in many ways. Perhaps, hes just not ready to let you into that special place in his heart. His ex-wife may have left some marks that need more time to fade.

 

Take your time and remember feelings are never intrinsically good or bad. But let them guide you, teach you, follow your heart and you will win at life.

[FitChick]

If you're jealous of a two year old, wait until she's twelve. My husband's ex was thrilled when he got custody of his five year old daughter. Until the trouble teen years arrived. Wife eventually gave him the ultimatum, 'her or me', and of course he chose his daughter.

That's why I avoid men with daughters of any age if I can help it. Even as adults with their own kids they can be meddlesome. Sons not a big problem generally.

 

To OP, let's not forget you will have to deal with the fallout from his ex. She will ruin your weekend plans at the last minute by making him take the kid. If the kid is sick you will be the unpaid babysitter and have to put up with it. Yet you will have NO input in her upbringing or discipline if you disagree with either parent's parenting style. You will have to bite your tongue. You will likely wait longer to have a serious relationship with him (moving in) than you would with a single guy or a man who has been divorced two or more years. If you are impatient now, things will just get worse.

 

Of course if you have always loved babysitting and want to be a teacher so you can be around kids, this might work for you.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 11, 2014 by FitChick

[CarrieT]

I'm 21

I'm going to bring up that which I seem to reiterate on a weekly basis on this site...

 

At 21 years of age, you have not fully developed. Scientifically, your frontal cortex won't completely attach to your brain until you are 26-ish. Read about it here.

 

This means that by the time you reach your late 20s, what you want, who you see yourself as being, and how you make life-decisions will ALL CHANGE.

 

It often explains why people who get married in their early 20s have a "seven-year itch." Plainly and truthfully, by the time they hit their late 20s, who they think they are has completely changed.

 

This will happen to you as well. We here on LS call it "Half-Baked Brain Syndrome." This means that you are no way ready to take on being a step-mother, regardless of the father's relationship with his daughter. And the course of your relationship with him is going to change dramatically, regardless of the daughter.

 

Just keeping it in mind will make it much easier when you and/or he decide to end the relationship and move on - because I think that is inevitable.

[Kizza]

Thanks for your input. I don't think we really have a difference in romantic styles...I think things just aren't moving as fast as I would like and I'm getting frustrated about that. After five months it's hard to be patient .

 

I'm looking forward to meeting her because I think that will help. She seems like a sweet little girl and the idea of maybe getting the chance to be apart of her life is exciting to me. He has had to cancel on me before to take care of her and I don't resent that...it is disappointing but I really do appreciate what a great dad he is, it was one of the first things I noticed that showed me he had great character.

 

 

I don't think your original post was misunderstood by me. You are harbouring negative feelings about the relationship and love your partner has with his daughter, you are already uncomfortable with the prospect that you will never be the centre of his universe because of someone he has known since birth! a person he created, someone he has a biological responsibility for. Now you are in a position to have to 'deal' with your feelings. Why? Because 1) you are not mature enough for this relationship dynamic 2) you are not built for this relationship dynamic.

 

 

If you weren't any of those things then there would be no negative feelings to deal with...

 

 

You have been in his life for 5 WHOLE months. YOU are barely out of your teens and he has entered his 30's with a child and a divorce to deal with and you are caught up with YOUR dissatisfaction that things are not moving fast enough.

 

 

You want lots of attention, whirlwind courting, romance, sparks!! and absolutions from a man who has already been there and done that and he is very likely to move at a snail pace because of his responsibilities.

 

 

You want an express train and he needs all stops, take it slow toward the destination.

 

 

As said before .......... 1) Stay and be resentful. 2) Stay and be patient with the situation 3) walk away on good terms to find something more suited to what you desire.

Edited February 11, 2014 by Kizza

[Robert]

Let's keep this about the thread starters post please, if you don't know what the topic is then please read the first post.

 

Thanks

[Phantom888]

A young woman with no kids will ALWAYS have a tough time with divorced dads. The age difference aside, you are at different experience points in your lives. As stated earlier, this man has much to deal with.... baggage. His child will ALWAYS be a priority over his love life. You have to accept it or move on.

 

That's why I never encourage women with no kids to date divorced dads.... it's freaking impossible to understand his connection with his child unless you have one of your own. My woman and I agreed early on that if we were in danger, we would ALWAYS protect our kids first, even if we have to sacrifice each other to do so.

 

I seriously do not see a future between you and your man. It's good that you have only been together a short while. Cut your losses now. He is too busy being a dad. Also, sounds like he is newly divorced, so perhaps he is not ready for you. Give the man a break. You are in his way. A young girl like you should be with someone closer to your age and experience. IMHO.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh man, where to start... I'm sorry, but it sounds like you're being strung along, big time. And the fact that you are unable to see it points to your level of maturity and ability to see the situation for what it really is.

 

I have thought about at length what being a step mom would be like...and I don't feel that I would be "giving up" my youth being in a relationship such as this one.

 

Why have you thought at length about what it would be like to be this kid's stepmom? He has given you NO indication that he sees this in your future. You aren't even titled as his girlfriend after five months. You haven't met her, nor is there any talk of that in the near horizon. You're jumping in with both feet into something you haven't actually been invited to.

 

I think it's important to remember that every situation is unique. We have talked about what we want from the relationship but we both decided we didn't want to jump in, we want to take it slow and allow things to happen naturally. That does not mean there won't be a relationship, he knew from the start that is what I ultimately want and he explicitly said we will take it slow and see what happens...

 

It's easy to tell ourselves that every situation is unique, but in reality many situations are similar. Sometimes if it walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck... it generally is a duck. You are trying to persuade yourself that you are on the same page as him by saying that you 'both' decided not to jump in, yet clearly you are ready to move forward because you said this:

 

I don't think we really have a difference in romantic styles...I think things just aren't moving as fast as I would like and I'm getting frustrated about that. After five months it's hard to be patient .

 

Just because he knows it's what you want doesn't mean he won't string you along long enough to extract as much sex/companionship/fun out of it as possible until you finally get sick of waiting and move onto bigger and better things.

 

He and I have talked to this and he explicitly said he isn't just having fun with me. He's been divorced two years now. It might be true that he isn't sure he is ready to commit but as I said he knows what I want. We talked last week about possibly defining the relationship and he said he takes it very seriously and isn't sure he is ready because he isn't looking for his next wife yet, but that we can think about it and revisit the conversation and find common ground.

 

His words are meaningless, look at his actions. He has said that he 'isn't just having fun with you' but is unwilling to put even the most basic of labels onto you, that of 'girlfriend'. Not fiance, not 'oh, meet my child!' but he's not willing to enter into a relationship with you. You even referred to him as your boyfriend earlier, which is what is the most worrying. He has stated he does not want this right now and yet you're going ahead and referring to him as your boyfriend!

 

he knew from the start that is what I ultimately want and he explicitly said we will take it slow and see what happens...you can interpret that the way you want but I know him well enough to know he means what he says and he is not playing games with me.

 

He has explicitly said that you will take it slow and see what happens. Those are not the words of a man who is interested in committing to you. If he was into you, he'd have asked you to be his girlfriend, and taken his time introducing you to the child. At least he isn't lying or stringing you along, he's actually being 100% upfront and honest it's just that you're twisting his words around in your mind to try and fit what you want to hear.

 

We talked last week about possibly defining the relationship and he said he takes it very seriously and isn't sure he is ready because he isn't looking for his next wife yet, but that we can think about it and revisit the conversation and find common ground.

 

What does this even mean? We can 'think about it', 'revisit the conversation' and 'find common ground'... those are all meaningless phrases. You've both already thought about it. What's going to change when you reconvene? When are you going to discuss it again? What common ground can you find, when one of you wants a relationship and the other doesn't? He's bluffing with meaningless crap because he doesn't want to tell you straight it's never going to progress.

 

I'm sorry OP, I have never on this site before taken the time and effort to mess around splicing quotes and stuff for a single post but I was surprised to see nobody else giving it to you quite as straight as this. It's not so much the problems inherent in dating a single dad that you need to focus on, it's the fact that you're seeing a man who isn't interested in being with you, and yet you keep trying to convince yourself that's not the case. I know you'll come back with a host of reasons why I'm wrong and why you're waiting it out and I sincerely hope that if you do do that, it works out (I don't think it will but at least you'll know you gave it your best shot and will eventually walk away with no regrets, knowing you tried) but it needed saying.

[RedRobin]

You can do better. Lots of single men closer to your own age that don't oblige you to take a back seat to someone else...

 

 

If you want to be involved with a guy who doesn't want to be your boyfriend and involve you in his life, you absolutely would have your pick of THOSE.

 

 

Those guys are a dime a dozen. lol... Why settle for a guy 12 years older than you with a kid? Heck, I'm not even 21... and *I* wouldn't settle for that!

[SunnySide0418]

hey everyone,

 

I joined this forum because I have this issue that no one I know can relate with.

 

I'm 21 and dating a 33 year old single dad. We've been together five months now, but we have yet to define the relationship...feelings have been expressed but he takes relationships very seriously and wants to approach it in a no-nonsense way, which I'm good with. I think it can work out, we get along well, have similar values and perception, want the same things, and for the most part I'm very happy with him.

 

He works full time and has a good career and has his 2 year old beautiful daughter all day Saturday and part of Sunday. I have yet to meet her and if I do meet her it will be when/if we do decide to get into a relationship.

 

Anyway, my problem is that I'm starting to feel jealous. She is the apple of his eye and I am realizing I'll never have the chance to be the number one in his life. She will always melt his heart and since he's been married before I wonder if all the romantic magic is just not that interesting to him anymore. It's not that I need a lot of romance per se because I believe relationships should be taken seriously and I don't want to jump into anything I haven't thought through either...the real problem is just that I can't even have half of the effect on him as she does. I know I can't compete for his attention because it's not a competition...she IS the most important one in his life...but every time he talks about how much he loves her my heart sinks a little bit, because I guess I wish he felt half as strongly about me. If he does he doesn't really say it...

 

It's just hard to come to terms with. I know I can't be the only woman who has felt this way...does anyone have advice on how to...get over it? deal with it? I'm seriously insecure

 

 

You need to move on. This is not the right relationship for you. Before I had kids I dated a guy who had 3 kids and I felt the same way. I didn't get it. Now, I have kids of my own and I get it. I was in no way mature enough to accept that situation fully but didn't know it at the time. I even met the kids but still felt just as you do. You're right , he will never feel about you as he does his daughter. It's a completely different love for your child and you will always be number 2. It may be painful but I really think you should move on to someone who doesn't have kids. You are so young anyway.