samsungxoxo Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Not sure if this might sound kind of negative but, if I were in a relationship and it came to that I'd prefer the man saying it first. I would then say it back if I feel the same way. I wouldn't want to risk what happened to this woman in the story: I told my boyfriend that I loved him....and he didn't say it back.. :-/ (dating, how to) - Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - City-Data Forum Basically after 8 months, she tells him that and her bf not only doesn't say it back but laughed at her. When I was with my then bf, he said it first (and I still prefer it that way) and thought I didn't feel the same back till the next month or so, I didn't laugh. To me, if a bf doesn't say it after so long, I'm not saying it either. Edited February 11, 2014 by samsungxoxo
Philosoraptor Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Life is about taking risks. Better to swing and miss than to get struck out looking. In hindsight one never regrets taking the risk that they truly wanted to take. By not being willing to take the "I love you" risk when you feel it, then you a essentially handicapping your life. Either you hear it back and things go well, or you hear something else and have the ability to make an informed decision based on their reaction. If you end up with two people with this same strong "I'll not say it first" approach, you'll see a relationship end out of insecurity because neither of them had the courage to open up. One of the saddest ways to have a relationship end. "I love them but I don't know if they love me back". 2
Author samsungxoxo Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 True, maybe I'm not much of a risk taker in that area and too cowardly to bring it up first. Another part, is I think it might also be seen differently when a man says it first than a woman. If it's the man dropping the L word first, it can sound very romantic and we would probably be like (at least this is what I would think) ''Wow, this man took the guts to say it and I must mean so much to him; what a confident and brave man''. I would find that very sweet. However, if a woman says it first then it can be seen as the we getting typically emotional and guy might freak out and think we're then going to be moving at a quicker pace and already be thinking about love and commitment while he might not even be there. It can also be confused for being desperate and not seen very romantic.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I don't really mind who says it first. You can kinda tell when you're both feeling it, when you both can't get enough of each other and spend all of your time staring sickening into one another's eyes and smooching. I personally wait several months before saying it though, I like to know I am truly feeling it. So usually the guy ends up saying it first. I am never in any rush to drop the L bomb.
894hjk Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 What about when a man asks you if u love them? A few times? That's what happened to me. I didn't like it as it made me vulnerable. W
Author samsungxoxo Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 What about when a man asks you if u love them? A few times? That's what happened to me. I didn't like it as it made me vulnerable. WI understand but I still think men are able to handle the ''not having it said back'' better; my ex bf didn't seem hurt when I first thanked him. If I feel the same at the moment too, I would say it back. If I don't, I would thanked him and say I really appreciate it and like him a lot.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 However, if a woman says it first then it can be seen as the we getting typically emotional and guy might freak out and think we're then going to be moving at a quicker pace and already be thinking about love and commitment while he might not even be there. It can also be confused for being desperate and not seen very romantic. Meh, who wants that guy anyway? The one that freaks out at a declaration of feelings after what is assumedly several months? It weeds out the dudes that aren't really all that into you/the relationship. A mature, capable man even if he didn't feel it would thank you for your honesty, tell you where they're at and get back to focusing on the blossoming relationship if they're enjoying where things are going. I mean, I think a good rule of thumb is not to get into any of that for AT LEAST three/four months. With my first serious boyfriend I said it at four and he waited until five months in. It lasted four years, we just weren't ones to rush. My last relationship he said it after two or three bloody weeks and like an idiot I reciprocated, crashed and burned after less than five months and it turned out to be infatuation from his part, not love (by which point I'd unfortunately fallen in love). The ILY is a huge relationship milestone imo, it's what takes it to the next level, makes it more serious than just hanging out and dating, and is when real feelings start to get involved, and things can get dangerous because you're more invested. I love the period prior to all of that when you're both falling for one another but not going near the L word. It's a magical time that you can never return to.
Philosoraptor Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I don't think any one gender feels better about it than the other. It comes down to a personal view on things and their own acceptance of the risk they are taking. It does take a considerable amount of strength to go out on that limb. So many people say "I'll say it when they say it". On the other hand I just look at time as a finite thing and any time wasted is time I will never get back. If I feel it I might as well say it. Either we take a step forward together or we step apart and in time I find someone to take that step forward with. 3
peruano99 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 15 pages....they see each other only 2 times a week. 2
Emilia Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Basically after 8 months, she tells him that and her bf not only doesn't say it back but laughed at her. Yeah, she picked an ass as a boyfriend. It happens. You think she would have figured that out before she got to 8 months. 1
Emilia Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 15 pages....they see each other only 2 times a week. Yeah, that's an FWB, "once or twice a week"
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I figure nobody should say "I love you". If the woman says it she's a clingy freak, and if the guy says it he's clearly no good because he's rushing into commitment and/or he's a clingy freak. So, just interact freely and just refrain from making grand declarations about feelings and emotions...
Keenly Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 My last two relationships, I was the only one who ever seemed to say it, and the responses I got back toward the ends (especially the second one, for about 9 months) the responses were less than enthusiastic. If she wants to tell me she loves me, I'll tell her exactly how I feel. Until then, even if I really do love her, she doesn't need to hear me say it out loud. In all honesty I would prefer a woman not to know she has that much power over my emotions and my pleasure, because past experiences have shown me that some people will exploit that. 1
hotpotato Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think the man should say it first. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. I need a man who is head over heels with me and isn't afraid to show it. I think a man who isn't professing his love 6mos- year in probablyIisn't serious about me. I have never said 'I love you' first, and I never plan to. 1
carhill Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 OP, I'd opine your perspective is pretty typical of my demographic, at least IME. I've had a number of relationships and have been married and ILY came from me first, and authentically, generally between one and two months into the dynamic and always prior to any sexual contact. Perhaps that is outlier for a man, as far as the specifics, but your perspective is commonplace in my life experience. The only times I've experienced other progressions have been regarding inappropriate relationships with MW's. However, that's consistent because they're generally more sexually aggressive too.
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