Feeling a little sorry for myself

[lovesickpuppy]

It's coming up to 3 years now since I first posted on love shack. Looking back, I can see just how much I've matured and I'm proud of myself.

However, my dating life is still problematic. It seems that more often than not, I meet a guy I like and then nothing happens.

Last year, I seemed to attract nice guys..who straight away told me they weren't looking for 'anything serious at the moment'.

This year, I met a guy online, he seemed lovely, and I instantly had a good feeling about him. I mentioned a few times that I thought this was all too good to be true, it turns out my instinct was right - this guy had a girlfriend and was a compulsive liar, I did the right thing and cut all contact, but I guess this latest episode has left me feeling a little disheartened when it comes to the dating game.

My friends have even said how unlucky I am when it comes to love and how this always happens to me. I'm just not sure why?

I am ready for a new relationship, I have been building on my confidence and love myself fully (which I needed a lot of work on).

But I still seem to be attracting the guy that doesn't want a girlfriend, or the guy that has no respect for me or other women.

I know this may sound big headed, I don't think I'm the best looking person, but I know I turn a few heads and get attention. Personality wise, I'm funny, quirky and quite unusual..so what am I doing wrong? I go out, I socialize, yet still, I'm not meeting anyone. It seems being single is never ending. Can anyone offer me some sound advice? Thank you.

[TheyCallMeOx]

It's often the "nice guys" that are the most manipulative. When it comes to online dating, you have to develop filters. Indicate that you're looking for something serious, NOT trying to get laid, and you'll be less likely to be pursued by men who are just looking to get laid. You always want to be straight forward with your intentions and be as clear as possible about what you're looking for. If you say "I'm looking for a serious relationship" but fail to mention that you're not looking to get laid either, men are going to capitalize on that -- especially if you're attractive. From what I gather, you're sexually attractive to a lot of men. There's women that I want to pick up, hug, and kiss because they're so darn cute, there's women that I wanna take on a nice date and make love to, there's women that I want to marry, there's women that I want to bend over the nearest table and rip her a new one, etc. The men that you engage in might just be the guys who classify you as "that woman you just want to **** the **** out of." That explains why men who are in relationships pursue you. Of course, I can't generalize all men, so I can only speak if I were to pass you by...that's what I would be thinking. If you interest men who are in relationships, you must have the attraction that makes temptation hard to resist.

 

There's ways you can minimize all that, however. It can be anything from the way you dress, the location you socialize, how you communicate you're not interested in getting laid, etc. Typically...it's all about communication beforehand.

[lovesickpuppy]

Thank you for your advice. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm still just a little confused however. I don't dress in a provocative way, my friends describe my dress sense as classy and feminine. Yet I still attract those types of men? I find it hard to communicate what I'm looking for. I hesitate in thinking that I'm being a little full on letting someone know straight away that I don't do casual. However, when it comes down to it, I let men know that I'm in something for the long run, rather than a little fun. This is where the next problem comes.. 'Oh well, I don't really want anything serious at the moment'!

Why? I'm a catch!

[TheyCallMeOx]

Thank you for your advice. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm still just a little confused however. I don't dress in a provocative way, my friends describe my dress sense as classy and feminine. Yet I still attract those types of men? I find it hard to communicate what I'm looking for. I hesitate in thinking that I'm being a little full on letting someone know straight away that I don't do casual. However, when it comes down to it, I let men know that I'm in something for the long run, rather than a little fun. This is where the next problem comes.. 'Oh well, I don't really want anything serious at the moment'!

Why? I'm a catch!

 

Hey, I wouldn't doubt it. And if you're physically attractive, that's just icing on the cake right there! I'm glad you recognize how awesome you are because that's really important when it comes to pursuing relationship. I'm really proud of you.

 

Put it this way...it's better to over-communicate than not enough. You're awesome, so you don't want to waste your time on men who don't view you as awesome. In your mind, you're more than a pair of tits, so you gotta really sit down and realize that relationships are serious business. If you want to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to be really open and honest in the beginning of the relationship. You have to acknowledge how you feel, and you gotta be real clear in the beginning about incompatibilities, etc. Essentially, you HAVE to be selfish...and the fact that you're dating dudes who "don't want anything serious" is an incompatibility in what you want out of the relationship. If they don't want a relationship, that's fine, but you don't want to waste as much time as you have to in finding that life-term partner. It's really important that you be as clear and direct as possible in the beginning. Before you date, before anything gets serious, you have to indicate what exactly you want and if a guy isn't willing to tell you the honest truth or if he feels like you're being too serious, then that's an indication that he's not willing to take what you have to offer seriously.

 

So don't be afraid to get what you want. If you piss off a few guys because they think they got a chance to get inside your pants and you immediately shoot them down before they even have an opportunity to pursue you sexually, then great. You have to establish filters, or else you're gonna get disappointed over and over again. You wanna limit that disappointment, so that's why it's always important (especially in the beginning) to be as communicative as possible. Any man who takes you serious is willing to tell you the honest truth beforehand and not be upset that you're asking questions that you normally wait till the first date and whatnot to ask. You really don't want to get into a date with a guy and you realize that he's just looking to get some of that rare breed of woman vagina and the rest of the date you're thinking to yourself..."man, this dude thinks he's gonna get laid. I wouldn't doubt he has a boner right now. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. I would leave right now...but that's just rude...and the food is really good soo....."

[lovesickpuppy]

Hey, I wouldn't doubt it. And if you're physically attractive, that's just icing on the cake right there! I'm glad you recognize how awesome you are because that's really important when it comes to pursuing relationship. I'm really proud of you.

 

Put it this way...it's better to over-communicate than not enough. You're awesome, so you don't want to waste your time on men who don't view you as awesome. In your mind, you're more than a pair of tits, so you gotta really sit down and realize that relationships are serious business. If you want to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to be really open and honest in the beginning of the relationship. You have to acknowledge how you feel, and you gotta be real clear in the beginning about incompatibilities, etc. Essentially, you HAVE to be selfish...and the fact that you're dating dudes who "don't want anything serious" is an incompatibility in what you want out of the relationship. If they don't want a relationship, that's fine, but you don't want to waste as much time as you have to in finding that life-term partner. It's really important that you be as clear and direct as possible in the beginning. Before you date, before anything gets serious, you have to indicate what exactly you want and if a guy isn't willing to tell you the honest truth or if he feels like you're being too serious, then that's an indication that he's not willing to take what you have to offer seriously.

 

So don't be afraid to get what you want. If you piss off a few guys because they think they got a chance to get inside your pants and you immediately shoot them down before they even have an opportunity to pursue you sexually, then great. You have to establish filters, or else you're gonna get disappointed over and over again. You wanna limit that disappointment, so that's why it's always important (especially in the beginning) to be as communicative as possible. Any man who takes you serious is willing to tell you the honest truth beforehand and not be upset that you're asking questions that you normally wait till the first date and whatnot to ask. You really don't want to get into a date with a guy and you realize that he's just looking to get some of that rare breed of woman vagina and the rest of the date you're thinking to yourself..."man, this dude thinks he's gonna get laid. I wouldn't doubt he has a boner right now. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. I would leave right now...but that's just rude...and the food is really good soo....."

 

Thank you!!! I'm going to take your advice, and really act upon it. You've made me realize that I shouldn't be scared to be honest and upfront. I've thought over the last couple of flings that haven't gone the way I would have liked and found the missing part - my lack of communication.

It's quite funny actually, me and a close friend have ranted a few times at 'why do guys need to tell us straight away they don't want a relationship' - we've complained how rude it was of them to assume we wanted so much out of them, we've said how it's a little full on and very upfront..yet now.. I'm appreciating their honesty, and realizing me saying that to someone, is no different to them saying that to me! If anything, it saves a lot of heart ache in the long run.

 

Honestly, I cannot thank you enough for your advice.