LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Here is yet another dilemma is this seemilngly neverending saga. My best friend...also MM...just lost his job. He was planning on leaving W supposedly by the end of the month. I say supposedly because I never hold my breath. But, I know for sure he lost his job which obviously makes it difficult for him to leave with no income. Of course he is looking and should find something soon. But, in the meantime.....here I am AGAIN wondering if I am waiting ONCE AGAIN for nothing. Will he find a job and also yet another excuse/reason NOT to leave? I love him more than I could express. I love him from the inside out. He has been my best friend for 5 long years...way before he met his wife. But we just realized we loved each other substantially a little over a year ago. I want to give it a chance, but I know it isn't only up to me. Part of me feels like he should leave now....job or no job. He could move with his parents until he got on his feet. But, he doesn't want to have to do that. Am I wrong for wanting him to take action regardless of his circumstances? I am not in an ideal situation right now..I am looking for a job too. But, what relevance does that have really? It just seems like another excuse.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 No, they have no kids, no house. He keeps putting off doing anything permanent like buying a house. They have been married 1 year.
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 So I take it you and this guy have slept together then? Had sex?
hooghie Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by LoveHurtz But we just realized we loved each other substantially a little over a year ago. I want to give it a chance, but I know it isn't only up to me. If you've realized this for a little over a year and he has only been married for a year, why did he get married to her? Why do you think the two of you didn't realize you had strong feelings for eachother the first 4 years of your relationship? Originally posted by LoveHurtz No, they have no kids, no house. He keeps putting off doing anything permanent like buying a house. They have been married 1 year. If he doesn't have a house or kids and has had such a short term marriage, it shouldn't be that hard for him to leave even though he doesn't have a job. I don't know if he is getting unemployment or has a severence package or anything like that, but the divorce itself shouldn't cost much and he should be able to live with family or friends until he gets a new job and can afford his own place. I don't know what kind of work he does and how long it will take for him to find something, but I'd be cautious that once he does find a job, another excuse comes. The truth is, you can always find a reason not to leave because the process is emotionally draining. good luck.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose So I take it you and this guy have slept together then? Had sex? We have previously but that is not the basis at all for our relationship.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by hooghie If you've realized this for a little over a year and he has only been married for a year, why did he get married to her? Why do you think the two of you didn't realize you had strong feelings for eachother the first 4 years of your relationship? We realized it a week before his wedding and he felt too obligated to back out. He thought when he said his vows the feelings may go away. Didn't happen....I think we knew that we had strong feelings all along but we were both too scared to face them. True love has the ability to hurt you and neither of us had ever experienced that so we were hesitant to say the least. I think we still are.
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by LoveHurtz We have previously but that is not the basis at all for our relationship. Let me rephrase my question, Have you two had sex while he's married?
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose Let me rephrase my question, Have you two had sex while he's married? Yes, I already feel bad enough...I don't need condemnation.
hooghie Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 I browsed through your other posts and from what I understand- the W knows about you right? So, if she knows about you and he is telling her he wants to be with YOU- why hasn't the W kicked his a** out??? one other thing- I'm not sure you are even considering this, but don't let him move in with you. It's better that you wait this out until he gets a job than to let him move in with you.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by hooghie I browsed through your other posts and from what I understand- the W knows about you right? So, if she knows about you and he is telling her he wants to be with YOU- why hasn't the W kicked his a** out??? one other thing- I'm not sure you are even considering this, but don't let him move in with you. It's better that you wait this out until he gets a job than to let him move in with you. Yes, she knows all about me. She hasn't kicked him out because she wants it to resolve itself...so they can live happily ever after. She is very clingy and needy with him and doesn't think she can live without him. BELIEVE ME...we wouldn't move in together for awhile even if he had a job. I want to take things slow.
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 I wasn't trying to condem you, or find a reason to condem you. I was trying to establish grounds for divorce. And she's, (his wife) definitley got it. With any luck she can have the marriage analed, it would appear in the eyes of the law that it never happened. Now that we established she can divorce him, and he can come running to you, tell me what your thoughts are about his history of being loyal? How about his ability to provide for you? Where do you want to be in 10 years, where does he want to be in 10 years? I think you need to re-evaluate your situation.....you may decide to let her keep him.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose I wasn't trying to condem you, or find a reason to condem you. I was trying to establish grounds for divorce. And she's, (his wife) definitley got it. With any luck she can have the marriage analed, it would appear in the eyes of the law that it never happened. Now that we established she can divorce him, and he can come running to you, tell me what your thoughts are about his history of being loyal? How about his ability to provide for you? Where do you want to be in 10 years, where does he want to be in 10 years? I think you need to re-evaluate your situation.....you may decide to let her keep him. Sorry for the assumption. As far as an annullment, I think the marriage has to have never been consumated for that to be grounds for divorce. And, they have slept together even before they were married. I have looked into annullment and it seems it is very difficult unless you are Britney Spears. Besides, she knows plenty and STILL doesn't want a D. As far as his being loyal...Moose...you struck a nerve. I have pondered that so many times. I want to believe that because we have a history of close friendship that he would be loyal to me once we have gone to these lengths to be together. The problem is...I feel that he isn't going to the lengths he should be NOW. ie: leaving now instead of waiting until the time is better and he has a job. So...believe me, I am thinking of that. Also...my ex took care of me and my son completely. I didn't even work, so I have thought about that too. But, I do love him and I would much rather work hard and be happy with someone I truly love.
hooghie Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by LoveHurtz Yes, she knows all about me. She hasn't kicked him out because she wants it to resolve itself...so they can live happily ever after. She is very clingy and needy with him and doesn't think she can live without him. My concern for you is that it sounds kind of fishy that he is telling her he wants to be with you, loves you, etc. and that she thinks it can resolve itself. Sounds like he is lying to one of you. I can understand that you have probably invested too much into this to lose him if he does go ahead and leave his wife for you so I hope that it works out for you if he does that.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by hooghie My concern for you is that it sounds kind of fishy that he is telling her he wants to be with you, loves you, etc. and that she thinks it can resolve itself. Sounds like he is lying to one of you. I can understand that you have probably invested too much into this to lose him if he does go ahead and leave his wife for you so I hope that it works out for you if he does that. The woman read emails that he sent me that explained in DETAIL his feelings for me and she STILL wants it to work. She loves him, so I can understand although I wouldn't deal with it the way she is. But, then again...I am in my own shoes and they aren't that wonderful either.
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 As far as an annullment, I think the marriage has to have never been consumated for that to be grounds for divorce. That's rubbish. The courts don't care if they've had sex or not. Besides, it's not for you to worry about. I want to believe that because we have a history of close friendship that he would be loyal to me once we have gone to these lengths to be together. So far, I haven't seen where, the both of you have been making the equal amount of effort. Seems to be it's been more you than him. I have a rule of thumb that Mrs. Moose and I live by. Our relationship requires 100% of each other. There's no 50/50 and there's no compromise with that. So far, this guy doesn't have a very good batting average as a team player. Also...my ex took care of me and my son completely. I didn't even work, so I have thought about that too. And.....why did you leave that situation? (I haven't read any of your other posts, or if I did, I don't remember). Plus, you have a son? That complicates things a bit. This guy can't stick to the commitment he made with his wife, what makes you think he'd commit to a wife, AND a child? How'd he lose his job?
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 18, 2005 Author Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose And.....why did you leave that situation? (I haven't read any of your other posts, or if I did, I don't remember). Plus, you have a son? That complicates things a bit. This guy can't stick to the commitment he made with his wife, what makes you think he'd commit to a wife, AND a child? How'd he lose his job? I left my sons father because I wasn't in love with him. We were trying to make it work for the sake of our son. It just didn't work out. But MM has known my son since he was 4 months old. He is very close to him. My son loves him almost like a father figure. He lost his job because it was a temp to perm position and he didn't have what they were looking for in the position. He shouldn't have too hard of a time getting a job. He is degreed and capable at least.
stormywind Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose I wasn't trying to condem you, or find a reason to condem you. I was trying to establish grounds for divorce. And she's, (his wife) definitley got it. Where is the line drawn in this? For the wife to have grounds for divorce does the husband have to actually have intercourse? What about fooling around without intercourse or oral sex?
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by stormywind Where is the line drawn in this? For the wife to have grounds for divorce does the husband have to actually have intercourse? What about fooling around without intercourse or oral sex? This is just based on my beliefs. People divorce for little or even no reason at all. But for me, unless there's infidelity, there's no cause for divorce.
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