newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 hi all... ok, this is regarding the famous elastic band pulling away phase men seem to go through... So here's the deal... been seeng him 7 months now. This pulling away has happened a few times. Each time is is following a few weeks of pretty intense getting closer and closer. The first time he pulled away came several days after telling me he was falling in love with me. The next time it came after meeting his family. This particular episode has come after weeks of him (yes him..I have let him lead in this relationship) talking about moving in together as well as planning our first trip. So...what does this all mean? Most of what I read says this is normal behavior... Yes.. he comes back.. and him pulling back means texts come in at about 2 an hour instead of 2 evey 15 min. We tend to spend 5-6 day together a week, so when this happens, I give him as much time as he wants, which usually ends up being a few days. A bit of situational info: I have never once in seven months asked to see him, I always let him decide. He texts or calls me many many times a day, we talk for hours on end when together, we know each others background, fears and ambitions. When anything happens he calls me first. We are in a kind of open relationship, granted he seems more other women than I see men lol. While on most of his dates, he writes to tell me what is so wrong with her... And last but not least, I am 43, he is 24. ALL advice will be greatly appreciated... THANK YOU
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 umm..yes that is an option lol... but it is not the answer right now. I am not being unrealistic... I know the deal... and anyway I have been through this phase with men my age and even older men.,,,,
FnlyFrei Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 24 is REALLY young. I am dating someone 8 years younger, and it hasn't been easy...at all. I can't imagine a nearly 20 year age gap being much easier.
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 guys.... I know he is young...but the question is about the pulling away lol.. no his age.... any advice ???
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Im 40 and most of the girls Ive dated in the past five years have been 25 and under. Age doesnt matter as long as you both know what you want. In this spot, seems like he wants to but he is still weighing options. Hes probably taking a ton of heat from his friends and family.
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 guys.... I know he is young...but the question is about the pulling away lol.. no his age.... any advice ??? Sure. You're dating someone who's still developing mentally. He's not going to be doing the same dating dance as you. But the answer to your question is always the same. When someone pulls away, you have to leave them alone. And you're in a open relationship to boot - so in addition to dating someone with far less maturity than you, you're expecting to apply "monogamous" dating rules to something that isn't monogamous. Which brings me back to my original advice. Date someone closer to your age. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 guys.... I know he is young...but the question is about the pulling away lol.. no his age.... any advice ??? I realize the question is not about his age, but I don't think you can necessarily overlook that as a factor. He just isn't as ready to make a full commitment as you might be, or to settle down yet. That's obvious given that he's dating other women, and thus, keeping his options open. (And yes, I read your post and realize you are dating others too) I don't necessarily think it's even pulling back, per se. He's multi-dating and therefore it's kind of expected that he doesn't want to get too involved with one person. If your relationship is open, that comes with the territory. Do you want something more exclusive? My question for you is this: Why is this relationship entirely on his terms? Or don't you have any expectation of him? 1
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 ya he is taking heat from the younger girls who are reallytrash talking me..lol... now even i sound like a teenager. my feeling is that he freaks out when it starts getting a little too close/intense. We were looking at houses for god s sake last week... It freaks me out too... believe me... I guess I just need to give him a bit of time... as I said earlier..usually lasts a few days. And as luck would have it, I am away on buisness for most of the week...
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Sure. You're dating someone who's still developing mentally. He's not going to be doing the same dating dance as you. But the answer to your question is always the same. When someone pulls away, you have to leave them alone. And you're in a open relationship to boot - so in addition to dating someone with far less maturity than you, you're expecting to apply "monogamous" dating rules to something that isn't monogamous. Which brings me back to my original advice. Date someone closer to your age. Actually I am not expecting anything monogomous at all. I know the rules, we set them together. I agree that he is not as emotionally mature as me, although there may be a case for anyone saying I am no where near my age emotionally I m simply wondering how common this is. According to so many sites, it s like a common thing in men...
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 ya he is taking heat from the younger girls who are reallytrash talking me..lol... now even i sound like a teenager. my feeling is that he freaks out when it starts getting a little too close/intense. We were looking at houses for god s sake last week... It freaks me out too... believe me... I guess I just need to give him a bit of time... as I said earlier..usually lasts a few days. And as luck would have it, I am away on buisness for most of the week... I would not be purchasing property with anyone who does the hot/cold dance. No way. Full stop. If you were ok with it, that would be one thing. But it weighs on your mind enough to have sought advice on an internet forum. Be very, very wary about making such a huge financial commitment with someone who isn't making an emotional commitment. 1
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I realize the question is not about his age, but I don't think you can necessarily overlook that as a factor. He just isn't as ready to make a full commitment as you might be, or to settle down yet. That's obvious given that he's dating other women, and thus, keeping his options open. (And yes, I read your post and realize you are dating others too) I don't necessarily think it's even pulling back, per se. He's multi-dating and therefore it's kind of expected that he doesn't want to get too involved with one person. If your relationship is open, that comes with the territory. Do you want something more exclusive? My question for you is this: Why is this relationship entirely on his terms? Or don't you have any expectation of him? Well, he is pulling away as he (or I ) specifically ask for some time alone. I am aware, as is he, when there are other dates. Yes, of course he is keeping his options open, I would hope he would. One reason most of the terms are his is exactly for that reason. I don t want to keep him from living out some great years. And for me... well this all stated as a little bit of fun. what better to get me back out there that to date a hot young man? Am I attached now? sure, as is he. And I think it scares the crap out of us...
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I would not be purchasing property with anyone who does the hot/cold dance. No way. Full stop. If you were ok with it, that would be one thing. But it weighs on your mind enough to have sought advice on an internet forum. Be very, very wary about making such a huge financial commitment with someone who isn't making an emotional commitment. OMG no...not buying anything. yikes. no way. moving in together... renting... What is weighing on my mind is what makes men do this? one day it's full steam ahead, 3 steps forward, the next 2 steps back....
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 OMG no...not buying anything. yikes. no way. moving in together... renting... What is weighing on my mind is what makes men do this? one day it's full steam ahead, 3 steps forward, the next 2 steps back.... Fair enough. But I would also not be agreeing to live with someone who does that. Not for me. Men who aren't really looking for a commitment do this push-pull, in my experience. The ones who are invested in the relationship don't do that; they don't leave you guessing why he's pulled back. 1
Author newbiecougar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Fair enough. But I would also not be agreeing to live with someone who does that. Not for me. Men who aren't really looking for a commitment do this push-pull, in my experience. The ones who are invested in the relationship don't do that; they don't leave you guessing why he's pulled back. I know why he is pulling back... gets too intense for him, being together all the time. And yes the age thing gets to him at times too I guess this is all just doomed. Well at least I can say I ve tried . and it was fun. lots of fun lol.
soccerrprp Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I know why he is pulling back... gets too intense for him, being together all the time. And yes the age thing gets to him at times too I guess this is all just doomed. Well at least I can say I ve tried . and it was fun. lots of fun lol. But he's the one who is going to you, right? You both have an open relationship and he could shag whomever he wants, but keeps coming back to you. Is that b/c the younger girls are not into him? So, he knows that he has a willing cougar on the side to come back to? I think you're right for the most part. The age and not only the difference in age, but also the stage in life. If I were dating a 40+ something at his age, I seriously doubt I would be thinking LTR. He's confused right now for certain.
Shosh Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 hi all... This particular episode has come after weeks of him (yes him..I have let him lead in this relationship) talking about moving in together as well as planning our first trip. We are in a kind of open relationship, granted he seems more other women than I see men lol. While on most of his dates, he writes to tell me what is so wrong with her... I am confused. He says he loves you and wants to move in with you, but he dates others? So you are not a 'real' couple? I think this might be the explanation for his pulling away. Also, spending 5-6 days a week together is way too much in my opinion. No wonder he needs space sometime. My question is why you don't need more space and are happy with him dating others. What do you want out of this relationship?
Poppygoodwill Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Actually I am not expecting anything monogomous at all. I know the rules, we set them together. I agree that he is not as emotionally mature as me, although there may be a case for anyone saying I am no where near my age emotionally I m simply wondering how common this is. According to so many sites, it s like a common thing in men... Well, to be honest I haven't found it to be normal in terms of a steadily advancing relationship. If a guy knows he likes you then things tend to move steadily one way. IT's only when he's not sure and wavering in his thinking that he comes and goes. I'm not bothered about the age. At 40 I was dating a 26 year old. But I do think there's huge red flags in the fact that you're both dating other people and at the same time looking at house? It's not consistent. Also, I think the whole let him lead and make all the demands strategy is fair enough in teh beginning. With such a big age gap then you want to be sure he's geniuinely doing what he wants to do. However, 7 months in and he's still calling all the shots? What that makes me think is that he has a false impression of you - as someone who has no mind of her own. Because at some point, if you get serious and stop seeing other people, you are going to start telling him what you think and want in terms of hte relationship and it will be a big shock to him. He might be hanging in with you because you seem so flexible and undemanding, despite his not being sure about the future of it all. Girls his age no doubt make demands on him and so are more realistic dating candidates. I'd rethink that strategy if you want to find out what's at the truth of things, instead of parsing out the meaning behind the frequency of texts per 15 minutes. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You don't sound like you want an open relationship at all. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. 2
Recommended Posts