ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Autumn...Do you want MM to repair his marriage....yanno...as his 'friend' and all?
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Autumn...Do you want MM to repair his marriage....yanno...as his 'friend' and all? I want him to be happy. I think that he would be unhappy if he got divorced and didn't have his kids full time, as it is he misses them a lot and he's seen them every day this week. If they got a divorce he wouldn't be with them everyday.. I also beeline he loves his wife, maybe more as family and not in the way he imagined he would love his wife but I think he loves her. If he wants to divorce her I wouldn't try and talk him out of it, I wouldn't want to stay with someone that won't kiss or sleep with me either.. But I also would never talk him into divorce. I just want him to do what's going to make him happy in the end. Deep down I wish it was being with me and that we could work that out but we can't do that, my family for one would be horrified that this had taken place.. And mostly our kids I think as they got older would have a hard time accepting it, so it's never been a real option.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I don't think you set up this situation, but I wonder how you feel about MM first clearing this plan with his wife and with your husband and you only finding out after all three of them were on board with him moving in with you? I'd be furious if anyone manipulated my own home life, with my children, in that way. Are you used to MM treating you this way or is this out of character for how he usually treats you? The fact that he would do this, relying on the generosity of your husband, suggests he maybe does act this way more generally. No he's never done anything like that before. He says it happened because his wife suggested it a few times and then when he was with my husband he just brought it up that they were major having issues and she wanted him to stay somewhere else for a few days, and my husband just said stay at our place! He had talked about renting a place but for only short term his wife panicked and felt that signalled permanence and didn't want him to do that.. I wish he had talked to me first but I understand why he didn't, we don't bitch about our spouses to each other. We will mention things but never get deep into our problems with them, we try and keep it separate and he said he didn't know how to bring it up because we never really had before.
txgrl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Lemme get this straight. OM is staying at your place at this point? 1
woinlove Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 No he's never done anything like that before. He says it happened because his wife suggested it a few times and then when he was with my husband he just brought it up that they were major having issues and she wanted him to stay somewhere else for a few days, and my husband just said stay at our place! He had talked about renting a place but for only short term his wife panicked and felt that signalled permanence and didn't want him to do that.. I wish he had talked to me first but I understand why he didn't, we don't bitch about our spouses to each other. We will mention things but never get deep into our problems with them, we try and keep it separate and he said he didn't know how to bring it up because we never really had before. so now MM remembers your H brought it up? Before he said he was too drunk and didn't remember who brought it up. I hope you aren't falling for his story because it changes and it doesn't make sense he couldn't talk to you about moving into your own home when he had talked to his wife about it and yet he is happy to tell you intimate details of his marriage such as if they do or don't have sex/kiss/etc. He is not trustworthy, he is lying to his wife and what he says to you isn't adding up either. 3
txgrl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Exactly! the whole story is so confusing Autumn, I'm having a hard time following whose idea was it to have OM move in? and despite your protests, your H thinks its a good idea. I would throw a fit if H wanted to bring a guy into the house whom I thought would bring trouble ( unless I wanted it). every time you post something here, my heart kinda skips a beat because i'm fearful that the next post will be about how it all blew up in your face. doNOT take this risk, cut OM out of your life, say whatever you have to say or be ready for some disastrous consequences. Go read some threads on the infidelity section. The pain of betrayel is enormous and your 'old fashioned' husband will NOT forgive you.. or OM.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 so now MM remembers your H brought it up? Before he said he was too drunk and didn't remember who brought it up. I hope you aren't falling for his story because it changes and it doesn't make sense he couldn't talk to you about moving into your own home when he had talked to his wife about it and yet he is happy to tell you intimate details of his marriage such as if they do or don't have sex/kiss/etc. He is not trustworthy, he is lying to his wife and what he says to you isn't adding up either. Both my husband and OM had the same version. They both remembered it as being my husband bringing it up but OM's wife had already suggested it before that so like I said the first time, the conversation progressed and neither of them seemed to know how it started. He's been nothing but a gentleman while here, he's not tried to do anything with me or anything like that, it isn't about sex. And our affair has been a LOT about our sexual attraction so I don't believe this was a manipulation or anything like that, he has been my friend for years, we enjoy each other's company. I think people are picturing this as more dramatic than it is
Sub Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I think people are picturing this as more dramatic than it is Your AP is staying in the house you share with your unknowing, yet in this case generous, BH as a means to try to fix his own marriage. Just my opinion, but I don't think it's everyone else who's perspective is off. 4
Snipercatt Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I think people are picturing this as more dramatic than it is Autumn, you are fooling yourself. 1
veritas lux mea Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I have to laugh a little at the dramatic part. Ummm you're makin te drama not us. •affair with a family friend •affair while your husband is away •your husband ingores you and you're lonely •your mm is staying in your house •your children get alone with married man more •you obviously love your married man more than your huband but love your lifestyle more •you are the very picture of a cake eater •you are having an affair in a town of 1000 •you don't think you will be caught •you won't end the affair •you won't end the marriage •you are a good actress. •you outright lied to your husband when he mentioned you having sex with MM I don't think you know what drama is. The very fact you are acting makes this whole thing a drama. 4
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I have to laugh a little at the dramatic part. Ummm you're makin te drama not us. •affair with a family friend •affair while your husband is away •your husband ingores you and you're lonely •your mm is staying in your house •your children get alone with married man more •you obviously love your married man more than your huband but love your lifestyle more •you are the very picture of a cake eater •you are having an affair in a town of 1000 •you don't think you will be caught •you won't end the affair •you won't end the marriage •you are a good actress. •you outright lied to your husband when he mentioned you having sex with MM I don't think you know what drama is. The very fact you are acting makes this whole thing a drama. I can absolutely see your point. I just mean it's not very dramatic from this point of view. Nothing crazy is happening here. I know that's hard to beleive.
veritas lux mea Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) I can absolutely see your point. I just mean it's not very dramatic from this point of view. Nothing crazy is happening here. I know that's hard to beleive. No one thinks there is live action drama. It is internal. Your very affair is the defintion of Drama. The discover of your affair is just when everyone gets in on it. Most times I think affairs are over dramatized. I think they are blown up to be more like yours. Your affair, though you can't see it, is almost as had as it gets. The only way it could be worse is if MM was related to your BH. You have become a cliche poster child for what everyone imagines their WS affair to be. It is the stereotype of affairs. Edited to add: You sleepin with a friend behind your husbands back and falling more and more deeply in love with him. Never planning to end it because you can't lose him and can't let people see the real you and lose yor comfy life is Crazy. And I should know what crazy looks like as I am crazy. Edited February 19, 2014 by veritas lux mea
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I can absolutely see your point. I just mean it's not very dramatic from this point of view. Nothing crazy is happening here. I know that's hard to beleive. Drama not quite yet, until your DDay. but we can't do that, my family for one would be horrified that this had taken place.. And mostly our kids I think as they got older would have a hard time accepting it, so it's never been a real option. So, is this worth it? Your A? The fallout is going to be HUGE and you have tons to lose. So does he. It has been brought up a few times, crimes of passion - Your situation certainly has the potential to end very badly and be on the 11pm news. The double betrayal and both of your spouses being made fools. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I feel I am in control of my feelings, for the most part , yes the drama is very internal. This relationship was always supposed to be about friendship and sex.. Not love. That spiralled obviously. But we do for now, want to stay in our marriages. I've never done this before and would never with anyone else but this one guy. We are friends to the outside world and our spouses. I can't deny that's a lie though, I'm not stupid, I know we are not JUST friends. I look at him and in my head I'm screaming for him to touch me or kiss me, but I don't say it and he doesn't do it, it obviously isn't written on my face. He did make a point of telling me I'm beautiful before he left the house today. I know friends don't do that.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I want him to be happy. I think that he would be unhappy if he got divorced and didn't have his kids full time, as it is he misses them a lot and he's seen them every day this week. If they got a divorce he wouldn't be with them everyday.. I also beeline he loves his wife, maybe more as family and not in the way he imagined he would love his wife but I think he loves her. If he wants to divorce her I wouldn't try and talk him out of it, I wouldn't want to stay with someone that won't kiss or sleep with me either.. But I also would never talk him into divorce. I just want him to do what's going to make him happy in the end. Deep down I wish it was being with me and that we could work that out but we can't do that, my family for one would be horrified that this had taken place.. And mostly our kids I think as they got older would have a hard time accepting it, so it's never been a real option. Then you know what you have to do right? END IT. Its not rocket science. Living two lives is making him UNHAPPY. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM ...NOT THE SOLUTION. What will it take for you to get this? Selfish!
SugarHibiscus Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Then you know what you have to do right? END IT. Its not rocket science. Living two lives is making him UNHAPPY. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM ...NOT THE SOLUTION. What will it take for you to get this? Selfish! Whoa! That's harsh. I don't like the delivery, but I think the sentiment is probably right. I feel like I'm part of my OM problems b/c our relationship messes with his head (and mine too). If I wasn't around, maybe things would work out in his other R. (Doubt it though.) Maybe taking a step back and letting him work on his M would make him happier in the long run? IDK. I should take my own advice!
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Harsh why?...it's been said in more diplomatic ways to the OP...but she either dismisses it or ignores it. She is very selective about which posts she responds to. Sometimes truth hurts. 1
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Deep down I wish it was being with me and that we could work that out but we can't do that, my family for one would be horrified that this had taken place.. And mostly our kids I think as they got older would have a hard time accepting it, so it's never been a real option. So again I ask, what is the end-game here? What is your goal? You are taking huge risks with your family and for what? What does a realistic win even look like?
road Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Harsh why?...it's been said in more diplomatic ways to the OP...but she either dismisses it or ignores it. She is very selective about which posts she responds to. Sometimes truth hurts. Because she gets off doing a double betrayal of her BH with his friend as the OM. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 So again I ask, what is the end-game here? What is your goal? You are taking huge risks with your family and for what? What does a realistic win even look like? I want things to remain as they have been. No end game different from that.. Just for us to continue as they were. But really I just want everyone to stay happy and if I had to pick having him in my life as a lover or a friend, I would pick friend every time.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Harsh why?...it's been said in more diplomatic ways to the OP...but she either dismisses it or ignores it. She is very selective about which posts she responds to. Sometimes truth hurts. I really don't have time to respond to everything and sometimes especially if I feel like it's just repeating something I've already talked about.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Because she gets off doing a double betrayal of her BH with his friend as the OM. Not at all. I've explained several times that I am uncomfortable with my husband and him getting close and that I do my best to avoid his wife. We're in a small town so it's not always easy but I do not get off on hurting anyone else at all.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I really don't have time to respond to everything and sometimes especially if I feel like it's just repeating something I've already talked about. Actually, no....you keep avoiding the same issue... YOU are hurting his marriage. YOU are the biggest reason they will not be able to get the marriage back on track. Your 'friend' is probably trying to figure out how to mend her marriage and has NO IDEA what she is up against - YOU! Your relationship is impacting his mental health, his social interactions and friendships. It's also impacting your own marriage. You are destructive. Do you care? 3
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Not at all. I've explained several times that I am uncomfortable with my husband and him getting close and that I do my best to avoid his wife. We're in a small town so it's not always easy but I do not get off on hurting anyone else at all. AM, you've created such a mess with him, and him with you. Neither of you seem to have thought of the real damage or fall out of this when you two are caught. I know you believe you won't ever get caught and nobody knows about your A with him, but people aren't stupid. Eventually someone will catch on whether it's your H or his W, or someone else. Maybe one of your kids or one of his.
Survivor12 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) I want things to remain as they have been. No end game different from that.. Just for us to continue as they were. But really I just want everyone to stay happy and if I had to pick having him in my life as a lover or a friend, I would pick friend every time. Do you not see that this is not true? If it were, you wouldn't be having an affair, you would be FRIENDS--but that is not what you "picked". And, if you truly cared about everyone (not just you) STAYING happy, you wouldn't be choosing to risk their happiness by betraying them. The way you lie so boldly when the truth is so obvious is disturbing. I've heard others talk about the "affair fog", but yours is bordering on delusional. Please know that I'm not being mean--I'm genuinely concerned. Unfortunately, I--nor anyone here--can help you so I urge you to get professional help in dealing with your situation. Edited February 20, 2014 by Survivor12
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