ComingInHot Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 AutumnMoon, you my dear, are one Hot MESS. I would advise talking with a professional about this Dead end Drama before it destroys Everything you actually end up realizing you care about. Good luck. CIH* 8
Darl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 It'll always be more fun with your lover living elsewhere and not underfoot all through the day and night asking for other things like lunch and dinner and his gunders and his dirty socks washed, his bed made, and so on. Who needs two husbands? Your husband. Where did you find him? He doesn't sound possessive enough to be very exciting, does he? Willing to have you around a man panting after you? Maybe he's been on one of those "cuckold" sites and is trying to set up permanent threesome so that he can enjoy his cuckold fantasies being realized? You're being set up to be sexual. That's very clear. Perhaps your husband is not as dumb as you think but has manipulated you into cheating on him. Best of luck.
underwater2010 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Of course the are "ignoring" or "unknowing" of your love for him. That is why it is considered an affair and not an open marriage. DON'T do it. If you are smart...you'll play it off as needed personal space.
Fluttershy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I think the OPs biggest problem is her denial. She thinks she os seeing this subjectively and is honest with herself but she isn't. In the last thread I read by OP He was urged er to reread her previous posta and see her progression in this affair. That it is in control of her not her of it. So one post says one things but then she denies it is so. She is a mess and I do urge er to seek IC for the sake of her children. This i gonna leak out eventually because despite her protests before it is progressing. As relationships do. 1
Trimmer Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 ... obviously I would like to believe I never would, but I don't always trust myself. Well, it seems you're the only person involved in this mess who has figured that one out. So far. 1
kalimata Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 AutumnMoon: This is one sure-fired way to disaster, and I think you know it. You have to stop it in whatever way you can. I would suggest that you immediately tell your husband of your A with OM. However I know that you probably will not do this. Instead you know what will happen: OM will move in, and your A will go deeply underground until you both are caught. Your kids will find out, and your BH will go ape-sh*t. Your life will crumble before your very eyes. You are playing with fire. Fess up to your BH and tell him the truth. Divorce or face reconciliation. 1
road Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 OP has left the building because she does not want to hear the truth.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 They are not planning to get divorced, they just want a week apart is what's being said now. He's already been here since last night, my husband just said that's what was happening. Obviously nobody is going to rent a place for only a week. We only have one hotel within an hour of our town and it's only a bed, not even a bathroom. He's stayed here before so there really isn't a difference. So he's just crashing in our basement suit. It will be fine. We hang out all the time as just friends and that's all this will be too. I did tell him that though, that we cannot bring us into this when my kids are around and he knows that. we are officially on pause. They start martial counselling next week. He plans to make decisions after their first appointment on living arrangements but hopes it's just home.
BetrayedH Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 This is the first thread where I've been concerned that someone is actually going to get killed. 7
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 This is the first thread where I've been concerned that someone is actually going to get killed. This isn't a soap opera. Who do you fear is in danger? My husband doesn't even get back in the same area code until after the 22nd.
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 I can keep my hands off the guy obviously. It's not an issue. I was under the impression it was going to Be an extended amount of time at first. We are lately friends with benefits, lots of feelings and I love the guy but I have my family to think about and we can easily keep this all separate. We just have to set the affair aspect aside and be friends right now.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 This isn't a soap opera. Who do you fear is in danger? My husband doesn't even get back in the same area code until after the 22nd. Autumn, I completely agree with BH's thoughts on this. Crimes of passion. You have double betrayal here and some people can completely lose it once an A is found out about. Please realize that the affair going on under your husband's nose and his wife's nose, allowing OM to stay in your martial house all the meanwhile you and MM are having an affair, all this stuff and more - The pretense of 'friendship', fooling your spouses, making fools of them - All this is going to blow up on D day. Go google crimes of passion when involving an affair. It's in the news on occasion. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Autumn, I completely agree with BH's thoughts on this. Crimes of passion. You have double betrayal here and some people can completely lose it once an A is found out about. Please realize that the affair going on under your husband's nose and his wife's nose, allowing OM to stay in your martial house all the meanwhile you and MM are having an affair, all this stuff and more - The pretense of 'friendship', fooling your spouses, making fools of them - All this is going to blow up on D day. Go google crimes of passion when involving an affair. It's in the news on occasion. His wife won't come here, she very very seldom ever has. And my husband is working more than 6 hours from here. Nobody is going to get hurt. I feel like He and I are friends. That's all anyone will see us being anyway. He wants to stay married he just wants sex and affection from his wife and does not get it. He is trying to work on his marriage right now, we are not doing anything inappropriate at all. I don't really know what to do. He tells me he loved me today, first time he's said it, although it's not surprising because we know how we feel. He loves her too though and his kids. They have no sexual relationship at all anymore, he said she's refused him all but two times since before Christmas, and he tried everyday.. the two times she was into it, he couldnt perform. This is the deepest we have ever discussed his marriage and honestly I just want him to be happy. She seems to love him but not make him a priority in her life at all, before you point out the irony there, he tries very hard for her.. He's with her much more than he's anywhere else. He's a really incredibly sweet guy. He's funny and handsome, he's a very hands on dad and family man for the most part. He never says a bad word about anyone, he's a great guy, and she will tell people that, but then not give him the time of day. I have this selfish fear that if they get a divorce it will change everything for me too and I don't want that, but can their marriage really be fixed? I'm trying to be positive about it, who knows if they both try at MC. But if I'm still in the picture not sure how that'll work either. Edited February 14, 2014 by AutumnMoon
woinlove Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 His wife won't come here, she very very seldom ever has. And my husband is working more than 6 hours from here. Nobody is going to get hurt. I feel like He and I are friends. That's all anyone will see us being anyway. He wants to stay married he just wants sex and affection from his wife and does not get it. He is trying to work on his marriage right now, we are not doing anything inappropriate at all. I don't really know what to do. He tells me he loved me today, first time he's said it, although it's not surprising because we know how we feel. He loves her too though and his kids. They have no sexual relationship at all anymore, he said she's refused him all but two times since before Christmas, and he tried everyday.. the two times she was into it, he couldnt perform. This is the deepest we have ever discussed his marriage and honestly I just want him to be happy. She seems to love him but not make him a priority in her life at all, before you point out the irony there, he tries very hard for her.. He's with her much more than he's anywhere else. I have this selfish fear that if they get a divorce it will change everything for me too and I don't want that, but can their marriage really be fixed? I'm trying to be positive about it, who knows if they both try at MC. But if I'm still in the picture not sure how that'll work either. You are in denial. You are in an affair not a platonic friendship and you both have children involved. Your AP is there in the house with your children discussing his love for you, when he has sex with his wife, whether he can perform and it is only day 1. I agree with others, when this blows up, your entire family will be devastated. It gives me a knot in my stomach to think there are children in your home with your affair partner living in the house and your husband away. And your AP arranged all this under the pretence of needing to try a change in environment, speaking to your husband and his wife, but not you until he had it all set. Please seek counselling. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 We live in a small town. His house is another small town less than 10 minutes away. There was not really a lot of places for him to stay and he's been one of my best friends for years.. My husband knew that and offered him a room just for now. NOTHING sexual is going to take place. While he's here. I'm a grown woman. I can keep this separate. I know we have been in an affair I'm not in denial, but we have paused it before and we will again.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 His wife won't come here, she very very seldom ever has. And my husband is working more than 6 hours from here. Nobody is going to get hurt. You're still not understanding what I'm saying. Your impending D-Day, that's what I'm talking about. Whenever it happens. The reaction of his wife and YOUR husband. You two are fooling and making fools of your own spouses right under their noses! The pretense of 'friendship' yet you and him are declaring your love for another, having an affair. Do you not understand the fall out that could happen when they find out the truth? 4
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 We live in a small town. His house is another small town less than 10 minutes away. There was not really a lot of places for him to stay and he's been one of my best friends for years.. My husband knew that and offered him a room just for now. NOTHING sexual is going to take place. While he's here. I'm a grown woman. I can keep this separate. I know we have been in an affair I'm not in denial, but we have paused it before and we will again. So you and your husband are his only friends? Nobody else he could go to? How do you know nothing sexual is going to happen? Are you really strong enough to not kiss him knowing your husband won't be home, he'll be 6 hours away, no chance of his wife showing up and your kids fast asleep? Just the two of you alone together? No kissing, cuddling etc? 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Ugh...very few threads actually make me sick to the gills ... In any case...the man is TRYING to work on his marriage...in a previous post you said he is withdrawing from friends and exhibiting signs of depression...you want to be his friend? Then back off and leave him the f**k alone to work on his marriage. He loves his wife and kids. He wants to make it work. You are KIDDING yourself if you think you are being his friend. You are an intruder, a fake and NO friend of his marriage...in fact youve been pretty selfish in this affair and havent truly been his friend either...if you were, you know the best thing, right now, would be to end it and give him space to work on it. Would you ever put anyone elses needs above your own selfish wants? Even his? 6
Trimmer Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I'm a grown woman. I can keep this separate. I know we have been in an affair I'm not in denial, but we have paused it before and we will again. Everything WWIU is saying still applies even after he stays with you. Even if you are a faithful golden princess, and he is on his best behavior while he is staying there, when this is eventually discovered, another part of the betrayal will be, "He stayed at our house? While I was gone? With all this going on?" Do you really think saying "But we didn't do anything during that week..." will make anyone feel any better, or even be believed for a millisecond, for that matter? The point is only partially about whether you guys will "do anything" during this week. The point is that this just amplifies the double betrayal that is going on, so when it hits the fan, this will just provide SO much more fuel for the eventual explosion. Even if you don't "do anything this week." 5
woinlove Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 We live in a small town. His house is another small town less than 10 minutes away. There was not really a lot of places for him to stay and he's been one of my best friends for years.. My husband knew that and offered him a room just for now. NOTHING sexual is going to take place. While he's here. I'm a grown woman. I can keep this separate. I know we have been in an affair I'm not in denial, but we have paused it before and we will again. But don't you see that you keep refusing to admit that what your H knew, your MM knew too. He knows it is a small town right? He knows where he lives. He knows where you live. He knew what options he had. He knew all this when he first talked to his wife about this and then talked to your H about this. The reason he didn't talk to you about it until after he had talked to those two is because he knew all this and he knew his only reason was "to attempt a change in environment" - not the most compelling reason to end up in your home with your family under the circumstances. But he felt compelled to do this and has already moved in and managed to tell you that he loves you for the first time. So all is going great according to his plan. But it is NOT a good plan for your children or for his. I hope you wake up.
BetrayedH Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 This isn't a soap opera. Who do you fear is in danger? My husband doesn't even get back in the same area code until after the 22nd. Say whatever you like. My wife never thought I'd find out either (do any APs actually think they'll get caught?). And I went from being a lifetime John Lennon, Ghandi loving hippie pacifist into a guy in jail for assault. I am a super nice guy and I just plain lost it. It doesn't matter if you don't have sex now or if your H is away now. When he realizes that your AP was his friend and in his home, he's going to have a damn coronary. You need to wake up and realize you're playing with fire. And no, your life shouldn't be a soap opera. 6
woinlove Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 A man who wants to work on his marriage does not manipulate people in order to live with his secret lover and her children, tell her he loves her for the first time, and look for her sympathy about how he is not getting sex at home and when he can't get it up with his wife when she does want sex. You are in denial in thinking this man is working on his M. 4
Sub Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 You can't say this..... I do not think he should move in. I wouldn't be able to control my feelings at all. ...and expect anyone to believe you when you then say you're a grown woman who can keep it separate. If you're not going to be honest with your BH, or anyone for that matter, at least ne honest with yourself. 3
SugarHibiscus Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 No judgement from me...I'm in a very similar situation. I would not my OM to live with us for any length of time or under any circumstances. The temptation would be too great and the risk of discovery too high. Get yourself out of this! 2
peaksandvalleys Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 We live in a small town. His house is another small town less than 10 minutes away. There was not really a lot of places for him to stay and he's been one of my best friends for years.. My husband knew that and offered him a room just for now. NOTHING sexual is going to take place. While he's here. I'm a grown woman. I can keep this separate. I know we have been in an affair I'm not in denial, but we have paused it before and we will again. Please tell me what the bolded means in the context of an affair. 2
Recommended Posts