My husband and my OM have made plans without me

[central]

I don't think that's what my husband is doing but could very well be on OM's mind.

It's not a fling. I'm very in love with him. Which makes this crazier. I do not think he should move in. I wouldn't be able to control my feelings at all.

 

Then you really must tell your husband this. He knows you like this man, but probably doesn't realize that he's putting the fox in the chicken coop! Certainly tell him that the proximity will create too much temptation, especially when you're lonely when husband is away and here's this nice man right in the next room!

[AutumnMoon]

My husbands response when I said "you want a guy to move in while you're away?? That would have the whole town on the edge of their seats waiting to see what's happening." .. Because people already joke about him being my boyfriend.. My husband got kind of angry "you want to **** him??" I said no of course not.. He said "then what the **** is the matter? He's our friend I thought you would be all for it."

 

.. I brought up a few more concerns, including that his wife would probably not be ok with it and he said OM's wife was the one who brought the idea up to him in the first place. She has always said I'm a good influence on her husband, she thinks this will help not hurt their chances in the long run.

 

Seems like the plan is already being made without me involved at all.

[AutumnMoon]

The hard thing is the possibility of him being in my home.. Drives me crazy with excitement. That's why I think it's a bad idea. I need to be able to control my emotions and how am I going to do that with him right down stairs.

[Sub]

I can't judge your genuine feelings for the OM. You have your history with him, the A, etc. But the fact that he'd even consider moving into the house you share with your H and kids...I just can't see how that's an attractive quality. You mentioned that your husband sees him as lower class. I don't like to ever view people like that. But the fact he would move in with you guys because he couldn't afford an apartment for a few weeks/months does speak to a somewhat valid superiority your H feels in comparison to him.

[whichwayisup]

to divorce him means I would lose him completely, he would never remain on friendly terms, he sees me as a type of property and if we were no longer married I feel like he would just cut me out of his life rather than have to deal with seeing me with anyone else. I love him, but in a very different way than OM.

 

But that is what happens when people divorce - Not all reunite as friends/buddies and are still speaking and on good terms. Also, that's not a valid reason to stay married and keep your husband in your life. To be afraid of the changes, stuff you'd lose out on.

[AutumnMoon]

I can understand I may not seem remorseful at all because I really have never felt very remorseful.. We have never done anything when my husband is around, we have always kept this separate I have felt anyway.

I don't want my kids in too deep.

 

I've been a basket case all day yesterday and today so I don't think I'm as cold and calculated as some of you might think. I don't even know how to process this, I feel like it's not real.

[AutumnMoon]

But that is what happens when people divorce - Not all reunite as friends/buddies and are still speaking and on good terms. Also, that's not a valid reason to stay married and keep your husband in your life. To be afraid of the changes, stuff you'd lose out on.

 

I realize that. I have a crippling fear of abandonment and whether it's not a reason for some people to stay married.. It's a pretty big reason for me.

[AutumnMoon]

I can't judge your genuine feelings for the OM. You have your history with him, the A, etc. But the fact that he'd even consider moving into the house you share with your H and kids...I just can't see how that's an attractive quality. You mentioned that your husband sees him as lower class. I don't like to ever view people like that. But the fact he would move in with you guys because he couldn't afford an apartment for a few weeks/months does speak to a somewhat valid superiority your H feels in comparison to him.

 

My husband would bankrupt himself before staying with anyone else even part time. They are very different men. My husband accepts help from no one.

 

OM is not poor.. He could afford to rent a place but his wife and my husband both seem to think that's silly when he could just stay here. They all seem to think this is the perfect plan.

[blue963]

Talk with the other man see what he says and then talk with your H.

[Dimepiece]

This is why I will never get married. Women like you make it just so difficult. Why don't you divorce your husband instead of using him? You obviously don't love him like you say. This is why I dislike marriage because it would take time to end the relationship.

[AutumnMoon]

This is why I will never get married. Women like you make it just so difficult. Why don't you divorce your husband instead of using him? You obviously don't love him like you say. This is why I dislike marriage because it would take time to end the relationship.

 

My husband keeps me home to raise his kids.. He gets his use out of me. I've discussed in previous threads that I believe he's had several women on the side over the years but I don't believe in a relationship sense where emotion is involved like me and OM.. I financially support myself, I take care of our kids and home my husband is not here day to day for me to 'use' him like you are probably assuming I do.

[Owl]

My husband keeps me home to raise his kids.. He gets his use out of me. I've discussed in previous threads that I believe he's had several women on the side over the years but I don't believe in a relationship sense where emotion is involved like me and OM.. I financially support myself, I take care of our kids and home my husband is not here day to day for me to 'use' him like you are probably assuming I do.

 

If you are this self-sufficient, I cannot FATHOM why you remain with this cold-blooded, self-centered, cheating, egotistical monster you describe!!

 

This makes ZERO sense to me.

 

If he's as bad as you make him out to be...and OM is as wonderful as you make him out to be...what possible reason could you have for not immediately making changes???

 

After reading the part where your H asked if you "wanted to **** him", and you said "of course not"...which was simply put a bald-faced lie...I would agree that your husband will likely hate you for that when he finds out. He likely will react very, very badly when the truth comes out.

 

You probably need to plan for this. It's not a matter of 'if'...it's a matter of 'when'...and if OM moves in...'when'=''soon'.

[carhill]

Owl makes a good point. Why not provide honest answers like 'Yes, that might be on the table and the thought of it makes me uncomfortable to have another man in our home. I'd prefer not to'

 

Given the circumstances and self-disclosures outline in this thread alone, I could see enormous value in some professional IC. The first thing I'd task the psychologist on would be working fear of abandonment. In MC, I found fear to be the most difficult and debilitating emotion to work through. Took a lot of time. Worth it though, IMO.

[AutumnMoon]

If you are this self-sufficient, I cannot FATHOM why you remain with this cold-blooded, self-centered, cheating, egotistical monster you describe!!

 

This makes ZERO sense to me.

 

'.

 

People are not one dimensional. I have said I could make a list a mile long on the pro side as well as the con for both men.

My husband is who he is because of his past, so is my OM and so an I.

 

I only said some negatives of my husband when people start giving me advice as though he is a saint that I am betraying. Nothing he's done justifies my affair and I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else that what I've done is ok. But if advice is going to be considered at all I guess I would just rather it be based on a real picture of what's happening. My husband knows that I want him to live with us full time, he puts much more value on money than time spent with his family and that kills me, it's not reason enough for me to want him out of my life. I do love him. Albeit in a messed up way. I was completely faithful for the first 9 years we were together, I fell in love with someone else. It happens.

[AutumnMoon]

My OM and I have both had a lot of sexual abuse and trauma in our past, it has bonded us very closely. I have not described him as wonderful or perfect any more than I've described my husband as some kind of monster.

 

We all have our issues.

I know our connection is real I know we both love one another but we both have a lot of things to figure out.

 

Us divorcing and clinging to each other to help heal past wounds is not exactly a rock solid plan in my opinion. He's my best friend, I wish he was my husband but he is not and I can't even imagine what our friends family and kids would think if we divorced and ended up together.. Even if we tried to make it seem like we hadn't planned it. People would flip.

[Owl]

People are not one dimensional. I have said I could make a list a mile long on the pro side as well as the con for both men.

My husband is who he is because of his past, so is my OM and so an I.

 

I only said some negatives of my husband when people start giving me advice as though he is a saint that I am betraying. Nothing he's done justifies my affair and I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else that what I've done is ok. But if advice is going to be considered at all I guess I would just rather it be based on a real picture of what's happening. My husband knows that I want him to live with us full time, he puts much more value on money than time spent with his family and that kills me, it's not reason enough for me to want him out of my life. I do love him. Albeit in a messed up way. I was completely faithful for the first 9 years we were together, I fell in love with someone else. It happens.

 

OK...so what do you plan on doing when your H finds out about your infidelity? If you don't have a plan, I'd suggest that you make it a focus. Given the communication between OM and you, and OM and your H...it's all likely to come out in the open soon.

[road]

My husband is not trying to set it up so I have an affair. He had never felt threatened that I would with this specific guy. He has several reasons for trusting it would never happen none of which I really want to share because they are pretty specific and detailed. They are friends though, not as close as me and OM but they do talk and spend time together usually in a group setting though.

 

From what I've now been told they were both drinking, OM more than my husband, and started talking about us.. As in their wives.

Me and OM mostly leave our partners out of our discussions. Not completely but for the most part we don't complain to each other about them much. We talk about just about everything else but them.. But one thing that's always been said is he was not going to leave her.

 

My husband said it would me a temporary situation, we have a basement suit so it would really only be a matter of him moving his stuff in. I'm someone who is always helping and looking out for everyone else, so if anything my husband was a little surprised that I had reservations about him moving in, he knows we are close friends. I just said, truthfully, he had never given me any indication they had discussed separation. Not only that but apparently this has already been discussed with his wife too and she has always been aware me and her husband are very close, she used to be nervous he was on love with me but has since dropped that fear, it was over a year ago.. I still find it really crazy she would want him to move out. Especially in with me.

He had been pulling away a bit and I thought it's because he wanted us to slow down.

 

My husband is definitely not looking for any kind of threesome. As for if he's having an affair of his own, it's a big possibility. He's away much more than he's home. He is not the sharing type though and would never willingly share me with anyone else.

 

OM is coming over to talk to me within the hour. I'm hoping I get some answers.

 

 

 

 

 

This is you: blah, bla, blah blah blah, blab.

 

 

This is what you have to tell your BH: I am having an affair with the OM.

[AutumnMoon]

If he moves in I'm going to fall more in love that's honestly how I feel. And what then if he goes back to his wife? Or divorces her and starts seeing someone else? I don't really know how I would deal with that.

 

I've always thought I was able to keep this about sex but I'm so in over my head with how I feel about him. I haven't even said I love you to him yet.. We have said it in every way possible without actually saying the words but we have always agreed there is a point of no return and just agreed not to say it.

[AutumnMoon]

OK...so what do you plan on doing when your H finds out about your infidelity? If you don't have a plan, I'd suggest that you make it a focus. Given the communication between OM and you, and OM and your H...it's all likely to come out in the open soon.

 

Why is it likely to be out in the open? Unless we confessed I don't see how it's going to come out. Rumours are one thing but there is no proof at all.

[BurnedAndLost]

If you are this self-sufficient, I cannot FATHOM why you remain with this cold-blooded, self-centered, cheating, egotistical monster you describe!!

 

This makes ZERO sense to me.

 

If he's as bad as you make him out to be...and OM is as wonderful as you make him out to be...what possible reason could you have for not immediately making changes???

 

After reading the part where your H asked if you "wanted to **** him", and you said "of course not"...which was simply put a bald-faced lie...I would agree that your husband will likely hate you for that when he finds out. He likely will react very, very badly when the truth comes out.

 

You probably need to plan for this. It's not a matter of 'if'...it's a matter of 'when'...and if OM moves in...'when'=''soon'.

It's been said before. This woman is a waste of time. She simply doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. I don't think that will change. Even after they caught. She won't be remorseful for the pain she has caused two families. She will be remorseful for the way things are negatively impacting HER life.

[road]

People are not one dimensional. I have said I could make a list a mile long on the pro side as well as the con for both men.

My husband is who he is because of his past, so is my OM and so an I.

 

I only said some negatives of my husband when people start giving me advice as though he is a saint that I am betraying. Nothing he's done justifies my affair and I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else that what I've done is ok. But if advice is going to be considered at all I guess I would just rather it be based on a real picture of what's happening. My husband knows that I want him to live with us full time, he puts much more value on money than time spent with his family and that kills me, it's not reason enough for me to want him out of my life. I do love him. Albeit in a messed up way. I was completely faithful for the first 9 years we were together, I fell in love with someone else. It happens.

 

 

 

 

 

YOU: giving more bla blah blab, justifying you banging your OM.

 

 

They way you mad the decision to bang the OM your BH's friend which is a double betrayal.

 

 

You can make the decision to end you affair, and put your foot down have your BH change jobs so he is no longer away from home, expose the affair to your BH.

 

 

Simple as you choosing the right thing to do.

[AutumnMoon]

It's been said before. This woman is a waste of time. She simply doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. I don't think that will change. Even after they caught. She won't be remorseful for the pain she has caused two families. She will be remorseful for the way things are negatively impacting HER life.

 

That is completely untrue. My main focus right now is about who all would be affected by this, and not wanting that to happen, I am sure there are a lot of damsels in distress you can save on other threads so go have at it, if I'm a waste of your time, I never asked you for advice so that's not on me.

 

I would love to live with this guy.. In some other time and place! But I have kids, I am thinking about them and that's why I'm panicking this morning.

[Owl]

Why is it likely to be out in the open? Unless we confessed I don't see how it's going to come out. Rumours are one thing but there is no proof at all.

 

I'm not sure I truly want to spell it out to you, as I personally still feel that your husband deserves the truth, especially since you've outlined that he does indeed appear to have some redeeming qualities.

 

But it's simple.

 

You're acting out of character...panicked this morning about what to do, being reserved about something that any other time you wouldn't be. These are flags your H may pick up on. OM too is acting 'out of character', as he is confiding in your H about his marriage (which he's not done before), and if the two of you do end up in the same house together, odds are high you'll get caught out.

 

Most folks involved in affairs are convinced they can maintain the lie forever...and normally find out how wrong they are.

 

You're right in there with them.

 

At some point, something will finally trigger your H to investigate those rumors...he'll find that they're true...and you'll find yourself trying to find a way to deal with the outcome of that.

 

Put OM in the same house as you, and the odds of it happenig sooner rather than later increase greatly.

 

Which I still tend to think of as a good thing, not a bad thing. Heck...go ahead and get him moved in now, so that the truth can be disclosed and you can stop living a lie...and forcing your H to do so as well.

[road]

i would love to live with this guy..

 

 

 

 

this why you will not end the affair or be honest and tell your bh.

 

 

 

 

but i have kids, i am thinking about them and that's why i'm panicking this morning.

 

 

 

 

no you are not thinking of your kids. You forgot your kids when you chose to bang your bh's friend.

 

you continue to forget your kids by not ending the affair with the om.

 

you continue to not put your kids first because you refuse to be honest with your bh and thus fail to repair your marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

b i n g o.

[Sub]

Whatever flaws your H may have, you have to say it's a pretty gracious act to open up his home to the OM. I think that's why I find the OM's consideration of it, even if it's fleeting, so heinous.