LoveSki Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I am currently in a relationship with a man who is a really great person at heart, but there have come to light some issues/deal-breakers that do not bode well for a long-term relationship between the two of us (mainly related to religious/social-issues/beliefs about raising families/etc.). When we first started seeing each other, before we were "official," we had addressed potential deal-breakers... Unfortunately, he has now reversed on several issues important to me and had apparently just told me what I wanted to hear in order to continue dating. I would not have continued dating him had he been honest at that time, but since then, we have/had become fairly serious. I thought he might have been husband-potential, and he was/is convinced I am "the one." Now that I have found out, I do not see things working out long-term. However, since we have been dating, he has also stopped taking his anti-depressants and is now always so, so, so depressed. He talks about how he is sad when he wakes up because that means he is still alive. He seems to have a distorted view of his life where he can only see the negatives (says he has no friends, but he does). He has told me that I am the reason that he keeps on living. I believe he suffers from depression and needs treatment. He can also be a bit paranoid about things/people. I have encouraged him to see someone, but he does not want to go back on medication and does not see the benefit in talking to someone. He originally got on the medication because he was suicidal after his last break-up. Although I see that this relationship logically needs to end, I don't think that he will ever see that because he feels so desperate and alone right now. He feels like he is running out of time. I am really afraid of what might happen if I break up with him. I don't want anything to happen to him and wish that he could get help and become healthy and happy with life. I feel trapped, and scared.
Jord11 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think it's time for you to turn him to his family and see what they have to say and do about it, you shouldn't have to be in that position at all! I would speak to them about the situation ASAP
Author LoveSki Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I think it's time for you to turn him to his family and see what they have to say and do about it, you shouldn't have to be in that position at all! I would speak to them about the situation ASAP Thanks, I would agree, but he is not on speaking terms with most of his family that I know of, and I believe all of them live out-of-state (I have not met them). Unfortunately, I think that contributes somewhat to the problem as he does feel so alone, because he is kind of off by himself. Although that is by design as he moved away in part to put things/people behind him.
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You can't save him, he needs to save himself. If you want out, you must do what is right for you.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You have to do what is best for you. No matter what happens, you didn't "cause" his suicide. If he does chose to take his own life, that's his CHOICE. I have been there. Eventually my EX did take his own life but it was years after I broke up with him & one of the reasons we ended was he wasn't staying on his meds. He also lied to me & he knew that was the real reason. He actually took the break up better than I thought he would. Anyway, if your stbx threatens suicide, call him on it. Ask if he's serious & warn him that you will call the police & have involuntarily committed if he is really going to harm himself. He may back off & say he won't so then you don't have to call. If he is out of control, call the cops & tell them he's a danger to himself. Call his family if you know how but you can't let him blackmail you into staying in a relationship where you aren't happy. 1
Never Again Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You are in a tricky situation and must proceed with caution, but be firm. Doing what is "right for you" is not as simple as leaving, and while he must save himself...you will always feel a significant amount of responsibily towards him because you care. Now, you are NOT responsible for him, but you'll feel that twinge of obligation anyway. If he threatens himself, call out the fact that he's blackmailing you emotionally but do NOT say anything that could be considered "calling his bluff" about the suicide. Immediately call 911 if you suspect that he'll hurt himself, and once it's over, cut him off completely. Get his family and friends involved if needed before you go. I kept in contact with an ex that took the breakup well, but killed herself 8 months later when a new relationship I was in turned serious. She called me screaming and threatening, so I hung up and reached out to her family. She'd killed herself just after I got off the phone with her...leaving behing a note blaming me. Let's just say it caught up with me months later and I sunk into my own depression. If you don't tread carefully and plan your exit strategy with safeguards to keep him from hurting you, you WILL end up feeling responsible should he do anything. Don't out yourself in that position. Get out, but ensure others know to keep him from doing something stupid. 2
Author LoveSki Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks very much for the replies. It makes me pretty nervous that people have really had an ex commit suicide over a break up. I am very sorry for those of you who have had to deal with that. I can't imagine. This is not a good situation to be in. I'm starting to feel a bit depressed about it, too. I know I need to break up with him but I don't know if I can risk causing harm. He seems so fragile right now, and in need of support. But I can't really just stay until things are better for him either, because it will just get harder as time goes on, and what if he never does improve/stabilize. Bad situation.
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You can't stay based on threats. That's not healthy for anybody. No matter what happens, your stbx's decisions are not your fault. When my EX died, I knew that . . . intellectually and emotionally but people came out of the woodwork just to touch base & make sure I was OK. You are not his treating mental health professional. In situations like this, you have to let the medical folks do their jobs. I hope your story doesn't end in tragedy but even if your EX makes that final horrible decision, know that if it wasn't this trigger, it would have been something else. Most people don't just do this on a whim. There is an underlying depression -- that you didn't cause nor could you cure. If you don't believe me, reach out to a mental health professional in your area ahead of your conversation with your stbx. Good luck.
Author LoveSki Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thank you, Donnivain, for your advice. I think that really might be a good idea for me to go for a counseling session!
rosedl Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 That is so tough. My ex broke up with me during a really bad phase of my depression (which I was handling, not going to him, advocating for myself and changing meds, seeking support from family and friends, seeking therapy). He talked about how he wanted to climb mountains and cycle and spend lots of time alone, and how everything else was a priority over us. It was more fair weather friendish then about our compatibility or relationship. If someone is depressed, they are ill and highly vulnerable. You do not have to stay with him but since you are aware he is struggling and not himself, it is clear he will need help to get through process. I like the suggestion of a counselor for you who may be able to guide you through it and perhaps talk to you two together to help with problem solving. I do not buy into the position that we hold no accountability to the people we love even if it is ultimately better not to be with them. There are ways to handle things compassionately. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with me because I was depressed, but he could have shown so much more kindness. I sat with him a month in the ICU while his father died last spring, I was there when his dad passed, and I have sat with him while he struggled whenever he needed it. It seemed I didn't warrant the same compassion, and interfered with his recreation.
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