Author edgygirl Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Thank you for this. Makes a lot of sense with the vibe I'm getting from him. He seems really interested but doesn't understand why I don't at least invite him for kisses in my couch. He said, not necessarily sex, but fooling around. Whatever that means in English (I kind of don't really know to be honest). Firstly, he told you explicitly that he wasn't looking for new dates, yet you assume that is exactly what he's doing just because he's still talking to others Let me give you a guys perspective of online dating: Girls disappear and go cold without warning all the time. This has happened to myself and every guy I know. No matter how many dates you've been on, no matter how much she says she likes you or how well you're getting on, she could be gone tomorrow. Utterly without warning in a way that simply doesn't happen with girls you met in 'real life' first. Unless you've had sex. Then she's invested. Then she won't vanish, you can be sure she likes you, and really get to know each other better. So what is he doing? He's making it clear he likes you enough not to date anyone else, but at the same time he simply can't be sure that you won't vanish until you've made a more physical commitment to him, so he is trying to avoid burning his remaining bridges until you do. Chances are he's met someone great before, ignored everyone else online, had the girl vanish, and felt frustrated that he'd abandoned other perfectly good options online for nothing.
StanMusial Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 If he wants kids, he is probably trying to find someone younger.
burningashes Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I had a guy do the exact same thing! Except he had more tact, and let me know that he wanted to date me with no plans on looking around more online. There's nothing wrong with having a conversation, and getting it out on the table. This isn't high school, folks. When in doubt, ask! "Hey, I hope the feeling is mutual, I'd like to date you but I'm just not ready to fool around." If you want him to stop looking around (and vice versa), ask! If someone wants to discuss exclusivity or at least get it out in the open- talk about it! If someone's not ready to have sex, both parties can come to an understanding only if both are willing to talk about it without any expectations. If he really likes you, any guy worth his dime would have no problem with you not wanting to fool around yet. You don't have to commit to exclusivity, but you can at least discuss this with him and help him understand why you don't want to go further, but would like to date him, as you feel he has potential as a boyfriend. He can either be good with dating you and waiting, or he might decide not to, and go get a piece. You can't really force him to do anything, but at the very least, you both have a choice. Talk about it. If you two really like each other, a compromise can very easily be worked out. You would have to be willing to return the same favor though, and should be prepared for that. Ie: agreeing to quit online dating (both of you) and seeing where things go from there. Good luck!
the tank Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I met a girl on old , she told me : '' Sorry I only date one man at time...'' We text back and forth and she agree on the date.... it's not only man !
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I can only multi-date when I not that into anyone I am dating. Me too! When someone I'm into comes along, I immediately lose interest with others.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think people SHOULD multi date more and not do anything exclusive until they are ready to do so. IMHO you are just punishing this guy for not falling head over heels for you in 3 dates and for being honest about it. And being honest about keeping his options open and still being on the market is NOT pressuring you to be intimate! If that is not one of the most contradiIctory things I've read in a long time, I don't know what is. do you think a guy should stop calling you and give up on you if you accept a date with another man after 3 dates?? I think crossing guys off the list that don't flip out over you at first sight is not only egotistical but just plain unrealistic. Sure I wish the world was that simple.. y'know, go to the coffee shop, fall in love, pick up groceries on the way home, then plan the wedding etc etc.. C'mon ladies, it's always great to dream but let's keep it real here. We're talking about adults, not 19 year olds right? a 40 year old man (or woman for that matter) worth their weight in beetle dung is not going to go exclusive after 3 dates. ,,,,,and without knowing how the sexual chemistry is going to work. I didn't even know my wife's parents or siblings names or know her bday or know any of her friends by the third date. She didn't know any of my info either. it feels like dammed if you do, dammed if you don't in so many ways. So guys get dumped if they don't fall head over heels in love and lose all interest in other women by the end of the first date, but Lord have mercy on us all he is moving to fast!!!!!! Me and my good friends bfs were head over heals for us within a few dates. It does happen. Sometimes strong chemistry occurs with a suitable person. It didn't take us long to figure out how I chemistry would "work".
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I talk to and go on dates with people until I've become exclusive with somebody, although I won't have sex with any of them until I'm sure I'm happy to narrow it down and focus just on them. Usually when you meet somebody you really like and get a good feeling about, you happily stop looking elsewhere without thinking while you see where it goes. But a date or two isn't enough time to really know that. Multi-dating prevents overinvestment too quickly, which can give you anxiety, make you appear clingy and desperate etc. The right person will continue to show you that they want to be around you/with you by asking you out, talking to you in between dates, dropping hints or speaking about the future. Until someone does all of that I'm not going to focus solely on them. Also, all of this 'test drive' stuff, OP don't have sex with this guy until you're ready. The whole 'test drive sex' before committing to a relationship sounds to me like somebody who wants to get laid and be free to just drop you with no drama. If you want to save sex for within a relationship, do just that. I have nothing against casual sex and I've done it plenty myself, but if I actually 'like' a guy, I won't have sex with him until/unless I know we're exclusive/getting together. Because I can easily handle not getting with a guy I like, but once we've been naked and he's been inside me it's a lot harder to handle the emotional fallout if they suddenly drop off the face of the earth/tell you it's not working for them. Sure, it's a HUGE risk to get with somebody before you've had sex but a) you can usually tell if there is chemistry based on kissing, and the fact that you're both trying to stop yourselves going further and b) even average sex at first with a new partner can become great sex over time once you start getting to know each other properly. I'd rather risk getting into a relationship and find out the sex is mediocre than risk having sex with somebody I like and with whom there is zero commitment, if that makes sense? If you're not ready for sex, don't sleep with him in the hopes that it will seal the deal and persuade him to ask you out. 2
ktya Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 What do you guys think about him keeping talking with other people after saying he's not trying to meet new people after having met me? This part I am curious about. Im on the other side of his coin maybe i can give you some perspective. I started dating, fired up to 16 girls at the same time narrowed it down to the 2 i like best. Tried to enter into the relationship with one, then the other, and neither was ready just yet. Having sex with both of them so test drive is not an issue. Despite trying persistently and patiently to enter into an exclusive relationship with both of them (one more than the other) still neither is ready to committ. I have no reason to beleive that either is dating anyone else and definitley not having sex with anyone else. Before someone calls me.a creep both of these girls know about the other rigt down to age and race. One lives near me and i tell her when the other is over so she doesnt stop by randomly and walk into an awkward situation. Im hesitant to break it off with one for the other because neither has offered to commit. In the meantime its a pretty good deal for me... But im sick of dating and just want someone i can count on. If one wanted to go exclusive id be all over it with bells on. My advice is have sex with him and if bed chemistry works go exclusive with him. Your not seeing anyone else anyway and then you will get the relationship you crave. You have nothing to fear being used if he went on 4 dates with you with no boom boom he obviously likes you for you. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I am very against multi-dating. I date one girl at a time, and if no chemistry, I move on. To me, it's not a game where you go after many and test drive all of them. I like to take my time to get to know a woman, and it makes the encounters more meaningful. That's just me.... I think OP's date is a real non-committing boy who enjoys dating around and can't make up his mind. I can speak for most mature honorable men that when we meet a woman we click with, we really lose interest in meeting other women. I mean, yes there could possibly be someone else more suitable, but I'm willing to take a risk in being with this woman I see before me, because why would I want to explore other options when I'm digging this woman?! UNLESS I'm not really interested in her....and I'm just tugging her along to see if I can have sex with her. I wouldn't disrespect any woman like that, but a lot of non-committing selfish guys would. After 4 dates and he is still talking to other women means he is not interested in you particularly. He may like you a bit, but he does NOT intend to go beyond sex with you. IMHO. I may be an odd-ball in our society, but I truly believe there are good catches among men. When I met my GF for the first time, I was completely smitten. We had a wonderful first date, and I kissed her. The chemistry was through the roof. The next day I texted her that I cancelled my online dating account because I could not imagine pursuing anyone else. She was surprised, and I took a risk....though I was so scared of coming off as being weird. The 2nd date was romantic, and we really enjoyed each other. Before I went up to her place, I told her we can't have sex unless we are exclusive. She agreed. We had sex all night, and the next day she told me she cancelled her online account also. Fast forward 9 months and I am going to propose to her next weekend. We are both 39 years old with kids. 1
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 If you haven't been that affectionate with him after four dates, no wonder he still wants to date the women he dated before you met him. If they exist. You need to throw the poor guy a bone®. Go somewhere secluded but public like a dark bar or club where making out wouldn't be unusual. Get him heated up. You could also say that you had been thinking of becoming more intimate but when he said he was still dating, you realized he wasn't ready for anything exclusive yet and you only have sex when both parties want to only sleep with each other. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 After 4 dates and he is still talking to other women means he is not interested in you particularly. He may like you a bit, but he does NOT intend to go beyond sex with you. IMHO. I agree. I have very limited experience with OLD, and am just giving it my second go. My first round on OLD, I met a guy I was very interested in, and I didn't even log onto my account again after our first date. Within a few weeks, he told me he had deleted his account, and I followed suit. That turned into a relationship, and he wanted to get married, but in the end, I didn't feel the match was right. This time, I just had my first date since reactivating my profile, and I don't see romantic potential, so I'm reading other messages and considering lining up dates with others. If I saw real potential with the guy I went out with last weekend, I wouldn't even have logged in again, and wouldn't have accepted date invites from anyone else. I assume anyone who keeps looking and dating just isn't that interested. If I liked a guy and he continued dating others, that would kill it for me, as it would tell me he wasn't that interested. 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I am very against multi-dating. I date one girl at a time, and if no chemistry, I move on. To me, it's not a game where you go after many and test drive all of them. I like to take my time to get to know a woman, and it makes the encounters more meaningful. That's just me.... I think OP's date is a real non-committing boy who enjoys dating around and can't make up his mind. I can speak for most mature honorable men that when we meet a woman we click with, we really lose interest in meeting other women. I mean, yes there could possibly be someone else more suitable, but I'm willing to take a risk in being with this woman I see before me, because why would I want to explore other options when I'm digging this woman?! UNLESS I'm not really interested in her....and I'm just tugging her along to see if I can have sex with her. I wouldn't disrespect any woman like that, but a lot of non-committing selfish guys would. After 4 dates and he is still talking to other women means he is not interested in you particularly. He may like you a bit, but he does NOT intend to go beyond sex with you. IMHO. I may be an odd-ball in our society, but I truly believe there are good catches among men. When I met my GF for the first time, I was completely smitten. We had a wonderful first date, and I kissed her. The chemistry was through the roof. The next day I texted her that I cancelled my online dating account because I could not imagine pursuing anyone else. She was surprised, and I took a risk....though I was so scared of coming off as being weird. The 2nd date was romantic, and we really enjoyed each other. Before I went up to her place, I told her we can't have sex unless we are exclusive. She agreed. We had sex all night, and the next day she told me she cancelled her online account also. Fast forward 9 months and I am going to propose to her next weekend. We are both 39 years old with kids. I wasn't sure if this really existed, but my boyfriend seemed pretty smitten with me too. I only thought it happened to "beautiful girls", and not ones like me. I was so wrong. I have seen a guy like a plain girl yet she was beautiful to him. He was just NOT interested in dating others during his infatuation with her. MY bf said he had the best first date of his life (and I saw him texting all his friends to tell them " best first date ever. EVER. Omg) and we also slept together on date two - albeit, it was one week after date one, and both date 1 and 2 were 6 hour dates or longer....... We talked for 2 weeks or more prior to meeting up also! But yeah, it truly hit me that some men, when they really dig a woman, they just lose ALL interest in dating others. Whenever my boyfriend likes a girl enough to want to "keep seeing her and see if she is long term material", he looses interest in others. The guy before this guy also told me the same thing... that he " got to know one woman at a time, and wanted to see if it worked out with them first before going and getting around with others" So. The OP needs to make an informed decision as to WHAT type of situation she is most comfortable with. There it totally nothing wrong with multi dating! There is also nothing wrong with the old fashion way of getting to know one woman at a time! I simply do what feels natural for ME. People need to stop dictating that one way is more ideal than the other. I stated my preference! I do NOT purport to know that MY WAY is the IDEAL WAY for every person. 1
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks guys! SO good reading your amazing insights! Really helping me think about things. Yesterday I went a little crazy and started obsessing about the whole thing and almost destroyed everything. He replied in a super stable and easy going way. After seeing me last Thursday and Saturday, he also wanted to meet today (I couldn't), wants to meet my sis who will be in town Thursday and also asked me if I can meet on Valentine's although sis will be here. He had also invited me to play a game with his friends next Saturday but I have plans with sis. I mean... I do believe he is quite interested and not an ahole. What he said about still talking with people he met before still puzzles me as it doesn't go with his behavior and interest he's showing. I think the hardest part for me is to know what to do regarding sex, in the past I've always test drove before committing as I find it important to have the right chemistry. After getting hurt in the past 3 years I am changing my ways and holding on sex for the first time really, and it's working to my surprise (he contacts me everyday and always makes plans next, never leaves me craving contact etc), but the truth is I don't know how to act. I am starting to want sex too, and am afraid it may spoil the way things are running so far, which I'm happy about.
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Leigh, that's the story of my life. Many relationships right from the start, passion and whatnot. I'm older now. I am not sure I believe in that type of relationship anymore anyway at my age. I want a more balanced thing, perhaps a little less passionate, but with lots of stability. I know it sounds horrible to say that, but I am sick of crash and burn type of relationship. It works when we're 20, 30. When you're older I have a feeling things change a bit. I don't mean to settle, but I do want a different type of thing now than I wanted at that age. Me and my good friends bfs were head over heals for us within a few dates. It does happen. Sometimes strong chemistry occurs with a suitable person. It didn't take us long to figure out how I chemistry would "work".
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 He is and he told me that, and asked me about my fertility last date, it was intense. I got pregnant with someone I dated last year so I know I still can. He said he is ready to move to the next phase sooner than later if he finds the right person. In any case, he broke up with his 6 year girlfriend last June and he said I'm the first girl he went on more than a few dates with lately and that he only slept with one person since. He can be looking for whatever he wants, but sometimes the heart speaks louder even when the person you meet is not perfect, don't you think? Why focus on me so strong trying to meet 3x a week if he was not considering me somehow? Sex? Nah. He can get easier sex out there than what I've offered so far. His income makes him part of the 1%. I don't think it's that hard for these guys to find a willing young partner. If he wants kids, he is probably trying to find someone younger.
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 To be honest I think I'll sleep with him after my sis leaves. I can't think about committing without test driving. I might be on for some hurt, but I don't feel comfy not knowing if I'll enjoy sleeping with him. I wish I were like other people who did not need this to know Not sure how you do it.
Weezy1973 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 OP - I'd say it's going to be a risk no matter what you do. Love is a risk. There are absolutely no guarantees. I would try to stop focusing on things you can't control (i.e. how he feels about you; what's going to happen etc.) and focus on things within your control. 1
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 If he wants kids, he is probably trying to find someone younger. I rethought what you said and you might be right. It would explain the "why" perfectly :/ Maybe he likes me but is afraid because of my age... he even mentioned when we talked about it that he wanted to have two...
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I agree. Thank you Weezy. That's all that matters I think I'm just wondering cause I am so sick of dating and want to have a partner whom I like to be with and stop the insanity already. Dating sux! OP - I'd say it's going to be a risk no matter what you do. Love is a risk. There are absolutely no guarantees. I would try to stop focusing on things you can't control (i.e. how he feels about you; what's going to happen etc.) and focus on things within your control.
Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Leigh, that's the story of my life. Many relationships right from the start, passion and whatnot. I'm older now. I am not sure I believe in that type of relationship anymore anyway at my age. I want a more balanced thing, perhaps a little less passionate, but with lots of stability. I know it sounds horrible to say that, but I am sick of crash and burn type of relationship. It works when we're 20, 30. When you're older I have a feeling things change a bit. I don't mean to settle, but I do want a different type of thing now than I wanted at that age. Why do you think that passion and stability can't go hand in hand? Why not wait for anguy who's crazy about you and only focuses on you due to no other women even comparing to you? Why can't you find a guy who's really into you AND who provides stability?
Author edgygirl Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) It's not that I don't think they can't. It's just that I care less about crazy passion than I did when I was younger. Believe me, I had a LOT of that and know exactly what you're talking about. There are other things that are a priority to me now and that's not necessarily one. I care to know I match in personality much more than crazy passion. 5 years ago my therapist was trying to explain to me that the crazy passion belongs to teenagers and 20 year olds. I almost stopped believing in her capacity to guide me. It took me all these years but I get what she was saying now. There are things more important than super crazy passion. Also, I understood your point that you think he's not crazy about me because of this one phrase he said. I just don't think that necessarily means he is not crazy about me. I am also not super sure about how I feel about him yet. Everyone wants to feel special and like the only and best option in the world... but it doesn't mean it won't be a good relationship if it's not "perfect" from the start. Again, I got your point. I grew to think differently, that's all. You're entitled to your opinion, I am to mine. Stability and reliability matter much more to me now than crazy teenagery passion. Also, who said people have to know after 4 dates that they don't want to date anyone else? Only because YOU feel this way it doesn't mean it's an universal rule and the ONLY way to really fall for someone. People are different, there are no universal rules that apply to every single person in the world. I am not in love with this guy (yet), but I see potential. Maybe he feels the same. That can be enough for the first few dates. Sometimes it's healthier if things develop slowly. Also, in what city you live in that a guy who is trying to see you 3 days a week (even without having sex) is not crazy about you? I live in NY, and believe me, seeing someone with our crazy schedules 3x a week here is NOT common. At all. Too many options, too many people to date. Seeing someone more than once a week here is almost marriage lol. edit: if you were born in 87 as your name says, I understand why you feel like that. I used to feel this way too at your age. Things change with age At least for me. Why do you think that passion and stability can't go hand in hand? Why not wait for anguy who's crazy about you and only focuses on you due to no other women even comparing to you? Why can't you find a guy who's really into you AND who provides stability? Edited February 12, 2014 by edgygirl
ktya Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I would not commit until after sex. I don't know many guys who would. A one percenter especially (I work in investment banking, a world filled with them). Until sex has happened and with no commitment, hes just covering his bases keeping out there. Good idea on getting the job done after your sis leaves. You'll probably find things move along at a pretty good clip after that. 1
Author edgygirl Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Thanks ktya. I'm a woman but feel the same. I think it's a horrible thing not to have bed chemistry. It just doesn't work for me, no matter how long I try if it doesn't click right. So it happened on Valentine's day. He insisted in meeting me even although my sis was in town, and he gave me an adorable handmade card full of hearts with an amazing message in it that touched my heart, and also fancy chocolate that relates to my background. I ended up spending the night at his place. So far so good. We met again a couple days later (hung out at a bar for 2 hours with friends) and spend the night together again yesterday. Not sure where it's going and don't feel like talking about commitment just yet as it still feels too new in a sense. If there's one thing I don't regret is to wait quite a few dates to sleep with him - this way one can make sure if there's a mental connection and interest in more than sex as doing it gets in the way of clarity. I am not sure what's going to happen and I feel he changed a little bit after having sex, (a little more guarded and/or pensive in a sense... he never talked about kids again lol) but I am not sure what he's feeling or has in mind. I guess I also have to make up my mind if we could be a match by spending more time with him... I'm not sure when will I feel it's the right time to talk about the next step wither, if there will be one. Is it just something we know? Haven't felt like really committing to someone in quite a long time and I forgot how it feels. I would not commit until after sex. I don't know many guys who would. A one percenter especially (I work in investment banking, a world filled with them). Until sex has happened and with no commitment, hes just covering his bases keeping out there. Good idea on getting the job done after your sis leaves. You'll probably find things move along at a pretty good clip after that.
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