Going on dates with other people

[edgygirl]

What do you think when someone declares (without you asking) that they stopped looking for new dates online after they met you, but also admit that they are still talking (and maybe setting a first date, I guess) with people they started talking before meeting you?

 

I think this guy I met said this mainly as a hint that he can't yet commit to me as we haven't had sex and we went on 4 dates. As in, how can you commit to someone you haven't had sex with, etc. Which I kind of agree as I prefer to test drive first to see if there's bed chemistry. But, this time I am taking my time and won't sleep with him before being sure the sex won't be meaningless. I can't be sure he said it because of the lack of "test drive" though, just a guess.

 

It didn't bother me when he told me that, mainly cause that same night he emphasized he "likes me" looking super deep in my eyes before the declaration above, which is how I feel about him as well. And I kind of understand not committing before seeing if there's bed chemistry. I think.

 

Still... after 2 days thinking about it, it started to bother me the idea that he might be meeting someone, let's say, tonight. All my past relationships that were meaningful the guy didn't keep dating / talking to other people after meeting me. And to be honest I don't feel like meeting others after I started dating him. What should I make of all this? I am a little angry and feel like catapulting him right now as my mind is going on the paranoid / tired of it all mode. I know he owes me nothing though.

Edited February 11, 2014 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

What do you guys think about him keeping talking with other people after saying he's not trying to meet new people after having met me? This part I am curious about.

Edited February 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LEEVIT2F8]

I think he just gave you a push and it worked. Truthfully, your probably more attracted now thinking about him still seeing other women. Your insecurity is bothering you right now. He let you see something about yourself you didnt like it and now you have a choice.

 

He probably is just bluffing anyway. But then again 4 dates and you have the freeze on he might actually just go get a piece to tide him over.

 

Regardless, if you want him then next date jump in for the test drive. If not go back to shopping. Seems like a guy that has some self esteem and sense of self worth. And you are on the same page. So what are you waiting for?

[Leigh 87]

It would bother me.

 

If this guy met a girl that knocked his socks off he would not plan dates with others.

 

It is not all that common to meet a person who really gets your heart racing, but it is not rare either.

 

I personally prefer instant sparks, rather than just seeing people I 'really like" because I am attracted to them and I enjoy hanging out with them.

For every guy who dates you and also decided to still date others, there is a girl that guy WILL meet who he will be really into - he won't want to date other women the day he meets "that girl".

 

I need to be "that girl'' to the men I date.

 

It feels great that my own boyfriend lost all interest in other women the day he met me.

Had he wanted to shop around more, I would opt NOT to have some "sloe build" thing, where he is not all that taken by me to begin with, yet "grows" to be really into me over weeks.

My good friends boyfriend fell for her the day they met and he immediately wanted to continue to see her on a more serious level.

He banged hot girls every weekend yet it all changed within an hour of meeting her. He lost ALL desire to date other women.

 

That is my take on men who multi date. The guy who kissed a girl after he met me turned out to be not that into me in a romantic sense, yet I still dates him for a couple of years. We were best friends but he was never into me in THAT way

What sort of love to you want? Do you want a guy who is "meh" about you and isn't all that excited about you to begin with and is still interested in getting to know other women after he meets you, or do you want a guy who is like "wow, this girl is special" and who simply loses desire for other women after he meets you because he is really into you?

 

The "head over heels, crazy" style of love occurs fast, and the guys are normally really into the girl, besotted even, after the FIRST date. They fall in love with you fast and hopefully you're also compatible long term after the butterflies ware off.

The other type of love never evokes strong butterflies or chemistry to begin with.

A guy will meet you. He will really like who you are as a person, from what he sees from a first date.

He is not all that excited about you, but he thinks you are a really nice girl. You don't get his heart racing and he is not excited or happy when you call or text him. He is equally interested by other girls he is chatting to at this stage.

^^^ this guy is the slow burn style, where a person is not all that crazy about you but they learn to love you deeply over a lot of time, rather than falling for you right off the bat.....

Edited February 11, 2014 by Leigh 87

[edgygirl]

Thank you. I think you are right He does seem to have a sense of worth and deep down I understand why he said that although it's bothering me. In our age (late 30s-early 40s) it might be a little weird to go on many dates and still have no sex or at least fool around.

 

I was thinking about doing the deed on the next, 5th date, as in the 4th we really clicked and I felt lots of sparks flying and a real connection. But when we talked on the phone after getting home, he said this thing and that's it's really bothering me now.

 

I was hurt last time after sleeping with someone on the 2nd date and having him lose interest slowly. I think men have this psyché where they only attach when meeting someone without having sex too early. It's the hunter biological thing that's beyond conscience I think. That's why this time I decided to wait a little more... it seems to be working in a way, I feel he's getting attached.

 

I think he just gave you a push and it worked. Truthfully, your probably more attracted now thinking about him still seeing other women. Your insecurity is bothering you right now. He let you see something about yourself you didnt like it and now you have a choice.

 

He probably is just bluffing anyway. But then again 4 dates and you have the freeze on he might actually just go get a piece to tide him over.

 

Regardless, if you want him then next date jump in for the test drive. If not go back to shopping. Seems like a guy that has some self esteem and sense of self worth. And you are on the same page. So what are you waiting for?

[edgygirl]

I usually feel the same and that's my experience in the past too...

 

But my feeling is he might have said that just to pressure me to be a little more intimate with him, in some sense. After all we're late 30s early 40s and it's a bit pathetic to go on 4 dates and no fooling around in the horizon... I understand his frustration, in a way. But I am being more careful with sleeping with people, as I said above.

 

He might not really be talking to other people... Maybe he just said it to pressure me.

 

I do have a feeling he is really into me and it surprised me he even said that thing about other girls. I guess he felt frustrated to get me to my building door for the 4th time, again with no invitation to at least come for a tea, to fool around a bit, etc. He said he expected no sex, only when I feel comfy, etc.

 

He doesn't seem a slow burner. He seems really into me to be honest. He even talked about how fertile I am or not, as he wants to have biological kids. He said he's ready to meet the right person etc. The talk was a bit intense even for me a person who appreciates upfront people.

 

It would bother me.

 

If this guy met a girl that knocked his socks off he would not plan dates with others.

 

It is not all that common to meet a person who really gets your heart racing, but it is not rare either.

 

I personally prefer instant sparks, rather than just seeing people I 'really like" because I am attracted to them and I enjoy hanging out with them.

For every guy who dates you and also decided to still date others, there is a girl that guy WILL meet who he will be really into - he won't want to date other women the day he meets "that girl".

 

I need to be "that girl'' to the men I date.

 

It feels great that my own boyfriend lost all interest in other women the day he met me.

Had he wanted to shop around more, I would opt NOT to have some "sloe build" thing, where he is not all that taken by me to begin with, yet "grows" to be really into me over weeks.

My good friends boyfriend fell for her the day they met and he immediately wanted to continue to see her on a more serious level.

He banged hot girls every weekend yet it all changed within an hour of meeting her. He lost ALL desire to date other women.

 

That is my take on men who multi date. The guy who kissed a girl after he met me turned out to be not that into me in a romantic sense, yet I still dates him for a couple of years. We were best friends but he was never into me in THAT way

What sort of love to you want? Do you want a guy who is "meh" about you and isn't all that excited about you to begin with and is still interested in getting to know other women after he meets you, or do you want a guy who is like "wow, this girl is special" and who simply loses desire for other women after he meets you because he is really into you?

 

The "head over heels, crazy" style of love occurs fast, and the guys are normally really into the girl, besotted even, after the FIRST date. They fall in love with you fast and hopefully you're also compatible long term after the butterflies ware off.

The other type of love never evokes strong butterflies or chemistry to begin with.

A guy will meet you. He will really like who you are as a person, from what he sees from a first date.

He is not all that excited about you, but he thinks you are a really nice girl. You don't get his heart racing and he is not excited or happy when you call or text him. He is equally interested by other girls he is chatting to at this stage.

^^^ this guy is the slow burn style, where a person is not all that crazy about you but they learn to love you deeply over a lot of time, rather than falling for you right off the bat.....

[BradJacobs]

I was hurt last time after sleeping with someone on the 2nd date and having him lose interest slowly. I think men have this psyché where they only attach when meeting someone without having sex too early. It's the hunter biological thing that's beyond conscience I think. That's why this time I decided to wait a little more... it seems to be working in a way, I feel he's getting attached.

Getting so attached that he's still going on first dates with other women?

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to take the high road here I conclude that he's trying to open a dialogue about the subject. It's hard to start that conversation. He doesn't want to demand that you stop going on line but he probably wants to know where he fits in your life. The fact that he stopped actively looking tells me he likes you. When he said that he was still talking to other women tells me he's honest & not trying to hide it but may be hedging his bets in case you said that you were still actively looking. I see the glass as half full & his sort of offering as a face saving measure in case you weren't feeling the same way.

 

 

If you have stopped looking & talking to other guys share those pieces of info with him. If you would like him to stop talking to other women, ask him to stop. Just because you are dating exclusively doesn't mean you have to sleep with him tomorrow. It just means you are on the same page of wanting to explore possibilities.

 

 

If he does not want to stop talking to other women, you need to determine for yourself if this means you want to stop talking to him. That's a personal choice.

[edgygirl]

Thank you for the post d0nnivain. I was surprised when he said on our date that he "likes me" and that he stopped actively looking. After all, I didn't demand or ask anything. That's when I realized I stopped looking as well (I didn't even think about it before) and I told him that.

 

He only said the second part on the phone, after we got home, and once again I didn't invite him over.

 

I am not sure I feel comfy yet asking him to not talk with other people yet, I think it would be weird to ask that from someone I'm not in a relationship with. Ahhh why are things so complicated? That's prob why everyone says to keep multidating as focusing too much in one person is not that healthy.

 

I'm going to take the high road here I conclude that he's trying to open a dialogue about the subject. It's hard to start that conversation. He doesn't want to demand that you stop going on line but he probably wants to know where he fits in your life. The fact that he stopped actively looking tells me he likes you. When he said that he was still talking to other women tells me he's honest & not trying to hide it but may be hedging his bets in case you said that you were still actively looking. I see the glass as half full & his sort of offering as a face saving measure in case you weren't feeling the same way.

 

 

If you have stopped looking & talking to other guys share those pieces of info with him. If you would like him to stop talking to other women, ask him to stop. Just because you are dating exclusively doesn't mean you have to sleep with him tomorrow. It just means you are on the same page of wanting to explore possibilities.

 

 

If he does not want to stop talking to other women, you need to determine for yourself if this means you want to stop talking to him. That's a personal choice.

[oldshirt]

I think people SHOULD multi date more and not do anything exclusive until they are ready to do so.

 

 

IMHO you are just punishing this guy for not falling head over heels for you in 3 dates and for being honest about it.

 

 

And being honest about keeping his options open and still being on the market is NOT pressuring you to be intimate! If that is not one of the most contradictory things I've read in a long time, I don't know what is.

 

 

do you think a guy should stop calling you and give up on you if you accept a date with another man after 3 dates??

 

 

I think crossing guys off the list that don't flip out over you at first sight is not only egotistical but just plain unrealistic. Sure I wish the world was that simple.. y'know, go to the coffee shop, fall in love, pick up groceries on the way home, then plan the wedding etc etc..

 

 

C'mon ladies, it's always great to dream but let's keep it real here. We're talking about adults, not 19 year olds right? a 40 year old man (or woman for that matter) worth their weight in beetle dung is not going to go exclusive after 3 dates. ,,,,,and without knowing how the sexual chemistry is going to work.

 

 

I didn't even know my wife's parents or siblings names or know her bday or know any of her friends by the third date. She didn't know any of my info either.

 

 

it feels like dammed if you do, dammed if you don't in so many ways. So guys get dumped if they don't fall head over heels in love and lose all interest in other women by the end of the first date, but Lord have mercy on us all he is moving to fast!!!!!!

[pickflicker]

Well said, oldsshirt.

 

I find if I multi-date, it curbs my dating anxiety. Spread the love around, don't get too invested.

[edgygirl]

You guys are right... I shouldn't have stopped looking although I don't really feel like looking or talking with other people now.

 

Not multidating does lead to dating anxiety when we start to get attached to someone.

 

It's just that we went on 2, even 3 dates per week in the last 3 weeks (1 of those weeks I was abroad) so I didn't feel like I had even time to look for other people.

[pickflicker]

You guys are right... I shouldn't have stopped looking although I don't really feel like looking or talking with other people now.

 

Not multidating does lead to dating anxiety when we start to get attached to someone.

 

It's just that we went on 2, even 3 dates per week in the last 3 weeks (1 of those weeks I was abroad) so I didn't feel like I had even time to look for other people.

 

I go by the rule of 3. Talk to 3 guys at once. Not too many, not too little.

[oldshirt]

You guys are right... I shouldn't have stopped looking although I don't really feel like looking or talking with other people now.

.

 

 

 

And that's fine. If you are not interested in looking for or talking to other people that's your business and your prerogative. It's just unfair to judge other people's dating comfort level based on your whims at the 3rd date.

 

 

Now whether it's fair to start discussing exclusivity at the 51st date or the 101st date, I don't know. But I do know that it's nuts to expect someone to devote themselves to you exclusively by the 3rd.

[edgygirl]

Honestly I wasn't expecting exclusivity or anything like that by date 4-5. As I said it didn't even cross my mind until HE brought up the subject of him stopping to look for new dates online. And then later telling me he still talked to people he was in touch with before meeting me.

 

These weird feelings I'm having were initiated by things HE said, not my mind. I wasn't expecting anything really besides trying to find out if we could be a match... but the talk was so intense last date (having kids discussion, etc) that it did made me start thinking about things in a different way.

 

And that's fine. If you are not interested in looking for or talking to other people that's your business and your prerogative. It's just unfair to judge other people's dating comfort level based on your whims at the 3rd date.

 

 

Now whether it's fair to start discussing exclusivity at the 51st date or the 101st date, I don't know. But I do know that it's nuts to expect someone to devote themselves to you exclusively by the 3rd.

[Eternal Sunshine]

All my even semi-serious relationships started with exclusivity from date 1. You can give it a try but I don't like the vibe I get.

[jcrew11]

well, it seems like he is trying to push you into having sex by hinting at leaving you. But if you have sex, do you think he will stick around or move on to the next girl? Do you think their is a future together or marriage?

 

Relationships come and go, and we meet people all the time. You can't control or stop a guy from not talking to other women. You can really just control the relationship you have between the 2 of you - whether it is a strong relationship built over time, mutual trust, and shared interests.

 

With online dating, it is so easy for average-looking guys to talk to 5 or more girls at a time. Girls hope that a guy chooses only one of those girls, but he is often caring communications with multiple girls.

 

I don't think you should have sex as a reason for exclusivity. You can get to 3rd base. But I think exclusivity (depending on your age) and monogamy without sex, can function for several weeks or more, for each of you to determine whether you have compatible personalities to sustain a long term relationship.

 

Its up to you to judge whether you value and exclusive relationship with him, or if you want to give him the freedom to talk to other girls if your relationship doesn't last.

[Ruby Slippers]

All my even semi-serious relationships started with exclusivity from date 1. You can give it a try but I don't like the vibe I get.

Same here. When I feel a good romantic connection with a guy early on, I want to focus on just him. All the men I've had relationships with have done the same with me. I can't develop romantic feelings for several men at once.

 

I think you're right to wait to have sex until you're exclusive and very comfortable with the guy. I don't think the insta-sex culture is good for anyone, really. Ultimately, it's pretty empty and not that emotionally healthy (risky from a health standpoint, too).

[Under The Radar]

I go by the rule of 3. Talk to 3 guys at once. Not too many, not too little.

 

 

What if the guy has Multiple Personality Disorder? Would you still need to date the other two?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Same here. When I feel a good romantic connection with a guy early on, I want to focus on just him. All the men I've had relationships with have done the same with me. I can't develop romantic feelings for several men at once.

 

I think you're right to wait to have sex until you're exclusive and very comfortable with the guy. I don't think the insta-sex culture is good for anyone, really. Ultimately, it's pretty empty and not that emotionally healthy (risky from a health standpoint, too).

 

I can only multi-date when I not that into anyone I am dating.

[Andy_K]

Firstly, he told you explicitly that he wasn't looking for new dates, yet you assume that is exactly what he's doing just because he's still talking to others

 

Let me give you a guys perspective of online dating:

 

Girls disappear and go cold without warning all the time. This has happened to myself and every guy I know. No matter how many dates you've been on, no matter how much she says she likes you or how well you're getting on, she could be gone tomorrow. Utterly without warning in a way that simply doesn't happen with girls you met in 'real life' first.

 

Unless you've had sex. Then she's invested. Then she won't vanish, you can be sure she likes you, and really get to know each other better.

 

So what is he doing? He's making it clear he likes you enough not to date anyone else, but at the same time he simply can't be sure that you won't vanish until you've made a more physical commitment to him, so he is trying to avoid burning his remaining bridges until you do.

 

Chances are he's met someone great before, ignored everyone else online, had the girl vanish, and felt frustrated that he'd abandoned other perfectly good options online for nothing.

[Emilia]

Let me give you a guys perspective of online dating:

 

Girls disappear and go cold without warning all the time. This has happened to myself and every guy I know. No matter how many dates you've been on, no matter how much she says she likes you or how well you're getting on, she could be gone tomorrow. Utterly without warning in a way that simply doesn't happen with girls you met in 'real life' first.

 

Unless you've had sex. Then she's invested. Then she won't vanish, you can be sure she likes you, and really get to know each other better.

Really? It's that different from real life?

[Andy_K]

Really? It's that different from real life?

 

Not 100% sure what you're asking here - is it implying the same can happen in real life often too, or surprise that it is this way so often with OLD?

[Emilia]

Not 100% sure what you're asking here - is it implying the same can happen in real life often too, or surprise that it is this way so often with OLD?

The bolded part. That it's more common that girls vanish when you meet them through OLD and had a few dates with them already.

[Andy_K]

Yes. I can only offer anecdotal evidence, but it is certainly a noticeable difference.

 

Perhaps it could be down to girls multi dating and picking another guy, or perhaps maturity level, or maybe the same level of respect and consideration you would normally give someone new you meet simply isn't there when they have no ties or connections with you besides a computer. They can simply cut things off and never have to offer an explanation. I've long since given up trying to pinpoint the reason for it.

 

It may be relevant to point out that this is with girls primarily in the 20 to 30 age range. If any guys have experienced the same pattern in older age ranges I'd be interested to know.