Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 The thing that gets me the most is when you say this: Is this the only purpose in life? To live a responsibility - free life? To have fun? To not have to worry about anyone else than ourselves? In my opinion, people who never want to have kids are people who can't give t...may that be a friend or a lover. There are people who just keep some things only for themselves, no matter how much they claim...These people scare me. I can't relate to them. I want to be around people with sensitivities, with insecurities, with human questionings in life ... In my opinion people who want to have fun in life and not have more responsibilities are the ones who will never completely open up to anyone cause their priority will always be their own selves. I respect their choice, I just can't be around these people. So I don't have sensitivities or responsibilities and I'm insecure because I don't want kids? I'll never open up to anyone? I'm only selfish? You say "these people" like we are some kind of disgrace or disease... How rude. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 To be honest with you, I'm not sure I'll live a long life. It's sad, but I don't think I will. So I think the best way to deal with it is to live my life with what will fulfill me now and the next say 5 years. It's not that I don't know what to do with my life, it's that I am assured that nothing will give me more pleasure than offering things to my child one day. I've done things, I've had fun, I've had relationships and friendships, and unfortunately nothing mattered. I'm happy to hear that for other people these things and people matter more than they did to me. So your ultimate goal is to have a child. If you knew, for SURE, that you would be departing this earth in five years, would you have that child? Because to do so would be sorta selfish. Sorry for the hijack, OP. 2
radiodarcy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Yea, the only heartbroken one is my mom. I'm actually planning on having a surgery to get me "fixed" too just in case there are any oopsies. It's funny though because I'm young and everyone swears I will change my mind one day, but I'm definitely set on my choice. Even men have said, "oh, I think you will change your mind one day when you meet the love of your life." Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids. I just turned 38 and I still haven't changed my mind about not wanting to have kids. I don't have anything against kids, but I too am too selfish to have any. That being said, I am surprised at how many men I have come across who do want kids. But that's one thing I can't and won't compromise on. So it's just me, my basset hound and four cats 2
SmartDude Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I asked what women who don't want kids intend to do in their lives only to come to the conclusion that the most common answer is "I'll do whatever I like without worrying about another person, I'll pursue my dreams, I'll have fun". As much as I respect that I can't stop wondering: Is this the only purpose in life? To live a responsibility - free life? To have fun? To not have to worry about anyone else than ourselves? For me having a child is the most altruistic act that shows without any doubt that, hey, I've not come in life only to take care of myself and entertain myself. I can put myself second to make another human being happy. In my opinion, people who never want to have kids are people who can't give their 100% of themselves to anyone, may that be a friend or a lover. There are people who just keep some things only for themselves, no matter how much they claim (and they believe it0 to love someone. These people scare me. I can't relate to them. I want to be around people with sensitivities, with insecurities, with human questionings in life so I can relate to them and feel secure with them. In my opinion people who want to have fun in life and not have more responsibilities are the ones who will never completely open up to anyone cause their priority will always be their own selves. I respect their choice, I just can't be around these people. That said, I was misunderstood when I asked "what else will these women do in their lives?", some people thought that I meant that other than having kids there are no more things to do and that my kid will be my only concern, that's not right. I've done things in life that made me happy, I think that now I have to give this wisdom and experience in life to another human being, my child. I'm sure there are ways to offer in this world other than having a child, but honestly in my country I don't think it's possible. I would love to adopt a kid as well. I would love to have the financial and educational opportunity to offer to the society, but I don't and it's hard to do here. I'm sorry if I offended some people, I never meant to. Iguanna, I see in your profile that you are from Europe? Perhaps the reason why you are encountering so much resistance to your ideas here is because of cultural differences with other posters. You may have a different belief system because of it, which is not "wrong" or "bad", its just different. My father and grandmother immigrated to the US from southern Europe. In the "old country" as they would call it things were very different. Adult children would typically live with their parents until they got married. Then the family would all help in getting the newly-weds a house when the baby came. In the USA, if you did this,you would be considered a "bum" if you did not move out of your parents house by the age of 20.
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Iguanna, I see in your profile that you are from Europe? Perhaps the reason why you are encountering so much resistance to your ideas here is because of cultural differences with other posters. You may have a different belief system because of it, which is not "wrong" or "bad", its just different. My father and grandmother immigrated to the US from southern Europe. In the "old country" as they would call it things were very different. Adult children would typically live with their parents until they got married. Then the family would all help in getting the newly-weds a house when the baby came. In the USA, if you did this,you would be considered a "bum" if you did not move out of your parents house by the age of 20. This is exactly what happens in my country, given also the crisis of the late years. It's not that young people don't want to live an independent life, it's that they can't cause there are not many jobs (like 30% unemployment). Also in my country the family bond is too big, we are close to our family and families get together when there is an issue. I was raised by a woman who I consider the best mother in the world and this is what I want to be like. This is all I saw, this is what I learnt. I guess in America things and people are much more different than what I thought. It's ok, I don't mind that people disagree with me, if I minded, I wouldn't be in a forum. I'm sorry again if I offended someone, not my intention. 1
Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Op, if we were in a date ( I should be so lucky ) and you said you didn't want kids ever, I'd be SL freaking turned on its not even funny. Huuuuuuge plus. Then again indult want kids either so...
clia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 This is exactly what happens in my country, given also the crisis of the late years. It's not that young people don't want to live an independent life, it's that they can't cause there are not many jobs (like 30% unemployment). Also in my country the family bond is too big, we are close to our family and families get together when there is an issue. I was raised by a woman who I consider the best mother in the world and this is what I want to be like. This is all I saw, this is what I learnt. I guess in America things and people are much more different than what I thought. It's ok, I don't mind that people disagree with me, if I minded, I wouldn't be in a forum. I'm sorry again if I offended someone, not my intention. Isn't it selfish then to bring a child into the world given the economic crisis in your country? If young people now cannot even live an independent life and find a job, then what do you expect your child to do in the future? Why would you want to bring a child into such a world? 2
Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Isn't it selfish then to bring a child into the world given the economic crisis in your country? If young people now cannot even live an independent life and find a job, then what do you expect your child to do in the future? Why would you want to bring a child into such a world? I don't think its about the quality of a more that kid will have, or the society the kids will grow up in, or the economic climate the kid is facing. Its only about the desire to play Mommy. The rest is an afterthought.
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Isn't it selfish then to bring a child into the world given the economic crisis in your country? If young people now cannot even live an independent life and find a job, then what do you expect your child to do in the future? Why would you want to bring a child into such a world? I wouldn't mind adopting, but it's too hard here, with all the bureaucracy and the years you have to wait....
oohlala Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm also childless by choice, and yes, it does limit your dating pool but I don't think that's a huge deal because they're people you'd be incompatible with anyway. At 34 my clock still isn't ticking and I haven't changed my mind yet, but my boyfriend does have a child by a previous marriage that lives in a different state. He's said he'd like more but if we never had any, it's not a deal breaker for him. He's fine with only having his son. He loves being a dad and hearing them interact is sweet, I just have never had a desire to have any of my own. Just be truthful and be yourself - I've never been at a lack for dates and/or relationships.
OpheliaSong Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Are you Italian or French? American, why?
peruano99 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Just wondering since you are free spirited.
Els Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 This is exactly what happens in my country, given also the crisis of the late years. It's not that young people don't want to live an independent life, it's that they can't cause there are not many jobs (like 30% unemployment). Also in my country the family bond is too big, we are close to our family and families get together when there is an issue. I was raised by a woman who I consider the best mother in the world and this is what I want to be like. This is all I saw, this is what I learnt. I guess in America things and people are much more different than what I thought. It's ok, I don't mind that people disagree with me, if I minded, I wouldn't be in a forum. I'm sorry again if I offended someone, not my intention. You cannot possibly make a post like 'all people who don't want kids are selfish and serious men would never consider you' and 'what else is a child-free woman gonna do besides shop for shoes?' and then claim that you had not intended to offend. Either you are lying/backpedaling, or you genuinely have a social/autistic disorder that you would need to get checked out. I'm not even American, I've lived in both Asian and European cultures, and those posts would still be bloody offensive if you were to say them to anyone. That aside, it's FINE for you to want children and a family. You don't need to defend your desire for that. Just as how the people who DON'T, don't need to defend theirs. 4
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Iguana - you are delusional:bunny: There are some SELFISH mother fckers who have kids, and then there are some very GENEROUS, altruistic and lovely individuals who cannot have kids. Hello? I mean, having a child doesn't mean you are a good person? Plenty of parents are selfish and horrible people?! On the other hand, plenty of people who don't have kids give MILLIONS to charities. Are you DELUDED enough to think that: a woman who has a child yet abuses it and gives NOTHING to anyone else and is the most awful person alive, is somehow BETTER and LESS SELFISH than a childless person who gives all their money to charity?
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 The OP, like myself, probably doesn't want kids so she can: - give more money to charities. You know, kids with cancer? REALLY lovely organisations that childless people can give more readily to BECAUSE they don't have their OWN children to fend for? Most parents can't afford to give money to charities unless one or both parents have a 100K per year job. Life is expensive. Kids mean you can't do much, and most families I know simply cannot afford to be altruistic. What else would a childless person "do" Well, I would spend my time: - working in a job I am passionate about, since I have the money and free time to possible re do a degree and alter it I so choose (you don't get a second chance at your career once you have kids sorry, not unless you are well off and earn a good enough income and have loads of savings to warrant going back to school to change things up a bit. - building a HUGEEE dog shelter that rescues EVERY stray and abused dog that I see. I am the ultimate dog lover (crazy dog woman!), and this dog shelter is my dream. -Work with various charities, ill children plus homelessness is very close to my heart. - I would travel the world, and I would meet thousands of interesting people from many cultures. Now, can I do ANY of those things above with kids? PROBABLY NOT. I am only getting an average paid job. If I have kids I wont ever be able to travel overseas again. I AM A TRAVEL ADDICT and get high in airports. I am also VERY keen to build a shelter for stray, homeless and abused dogs. Do I want to give ALL my dreams up for kids? FCK NO.
man_in_the_box Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm a pretty upfront person when it comes to dating, which I think everyone should be. But one considered "deal breaker" that I unfortunately carry is that I don't want kids (ever) and I've noticed this could be a potential problem. I've always been honest while dating, but this recent discovery of mine has made me realize that dating (serious dating) could be even harder now. Would this be a deal breaker for most of you? What if you really liked someone, would you let that get in the way? Would it make a difference between not being able to have kids or just not wanting them? Will it limit your dating pool? I don't know. Will it change your dating pool? Definitely. For the record my girlfriend is a young woman who doesn't want to have kids and that's fine with me.
georgecostanza Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 See, I'm not even going to argue that not having kids is going to somehow make me a better person. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I don't know if it will effect how much I give to charity, or how much I help in the community. I like to think I'm a good person and that I'll do those things regardless, but who knows? I am also 100% certain that having kids is an amazing experience. To hold your baby's tiny hand for the first time and feel how delicate it is, to watch them grow over the years and mould the traits of you and your partner into a unique human being, to watch them learn and love and discover the world... what could compare to that, right? I understand why lots of people want it. But I look at the lifestyle. A mortgage, a 9-5, getting up every morning to take the kids to school, go to work, pick them up, cook their dinner, wash their clothes. Worrying about them constantly. I don't want that. My life for the last 3 years has been about travelling, exploring the world, meeting people, pushing my boundaries, challenging myself, about writing, about escaping the 9-5 and the mortgage and, yes, being 'free'. My foremost aspirations are to travel in the long term, to teach, and to write. I can't do that with a kid. So is this selfish? I think it depends on your beliefs. I'm an atheist, and I don't believe that there is any kind of God who will frown on me for not multiplying. And whereas I believe that if I were to have a child, I would raise it better than 99% of the population, I also feel that adding one more person in these harsh times when the world is already overburdened with population would not be particularly wise, or fair. I likely wouldn't be able to give a child all of the things that I had growing up. But ultimately, it's just that I think I would find more wonder and joy in exploring the world and in the relationships I build. A certain part of me thinks that having a child is selfish. Yes, parents pour all of their love and effort into a child. But when the parent is elderly and sick, it is the child who takes over the parent role; watching them, bathing them, feeding them, worrying about them... Only to watch their parents die. Not that I will ever begrudge my parents my help when they need it, because I love them to death, but in a sense having a child is a comfort blanket for when you reach the end of your life. So what am I trying to say, I don't know, I'm rambling. OP, go on a date with me?! 2
WP4046 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 what's wrong with the DINK lifestyle? "Double Income No Kids?" 1
peruano99 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 The OP, like myself, probably doesn't want kids so she can: - give more money to charities. You know, kids with cancer? REALLY lovely organisations that childless people can give more readily to BECAUSE they don't have their OWN children to fend for? Most parents can't afford to give money to charities unless one or both parents have a 100K per year job. Life is expensive. Kids mean you can't do much, and most families I know simply cannot afford to be altruistic. What else would a childless person "do" Well, I would spend my time: - working in a job I am passionate about, since I have the money and free time to possible re do a degree and alter it I so choose (you don't get a second chance at your career once you have kids sorry, not unless you are well off and earn a good enough income and have loads of savings to warrant going back to school to change things up a bit. - building a HUGEEE dog shelter that rescues EVERY stray and abused dog that I see. I am the ultimate dog lover (crazy dog woman!), and this dog shelter is my dream. -Work with various charities, ill children plus homelessness is very close to my heart. - I would travel the world, and I would meet thousands of interesting people from many cultures. Now, can I do ANY of those things above with kids? PROBABLY NOT. I am only getting an average paid job. If I have kids I wont ever be able to travel overseas again. I AM A TRAVEL ADDICT and get high in airports. I am also VERY keen to build a shelter for stray, homeless and abused dogs. Do I want to give ALL my dreams up for kids? FCK NO. What countries have you traveled to? Edit: Also if people want to or not want to have sex, it's their life.
WP4046 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Will it limit your dating pool? I don't know. Will it change your dating pool? Definitely. For the record my girlfriend is a young woman who doesn't want to have kids and that's fine with me. so you are a older guy with a younger woman who don't want kids?
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 What countries have you traveled to? Edit: Also if people want to or not want to have sex, it's their life. Well I Just got back from a tour of Russia, every Scandinavian Country, Poland, Belarus and Germany. I have done all the Western states of the USA ( about 9 states) and also my parents were able to take to a few Asian countries when I was very young. I don't want kids until I get to South America OR Africa. Then, once I HAVE kids, I will aim to take them on ONE overseas trip; to either South America or Africa, depending on which one I DON'T manage to visit myself before kids come along. I know people who have travelled A LOT more than me, and to be honest, travelling has been a LONG held, LIFE long dream of mine. To continue to travel as MUCH as humanly possible where work commitments allow me to.... SANS KIDS: I would be able to travel once per year or two, even with an average income; with a college degree you can get median paid jobs, and then CHOOSE to go without in other areas in order to save and travel. WITH KIDS: I would only EVER be able to travel overseas probably ONCE MORE TIME in my entire life... well, before I retire and the kids had left home. IF they left home, since many kids don't until an much older age. I have been a travel addict since age 8. Since my first trip overseas. My OTHER dream, besides travel, is to open a HUGE dog shelter to house homeless dogs, and also dogs on death row:( I am currently with a partner; we fell crazy in love from week two. He wants kids one day. I honestly don't know what to do. I wont be a high earner, as social workers get paid about 50 K per year in Australia, and upwards of 80 K once you are a senior social worker. I will simply not be able to afford kids; not unless my partner has a high income. What do I choose? Kids and giving up my life long dreams OR do I pick my life long dreams?
pickflicker Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Well I Just got back from a tour of Russia, every Scandinavian Country, Poland, Belarus and Germany. I have done all the Western states of the USA ( about 9 states) and also my parents were able to take to a few Asian countries when I was very young. I don't want kids until I get to South America OR Africa. Then, once I HAVE kids, I will aim to take them on ONE overseas trip; to either South America or Africa, depending on which one I DON'T manage to visit myself before kids come along. I know people who have travelled A LOT more than me, and to be honest, travelling has been a LONG held, LIFE long dream of mine. To continue to travel as MUCH as humanly possible where work commitments allow me to.... SANS KIDS: I would be able to travel once per year or two, even with an average income; with a college degree you can get median paid jobs, and then CHOOSE to go without in other areas in order to save and travel. WITH KIDS: I would only EVER be able to travel overseas probably ONCE MORE TIME in my entire life... well, before I retire and the kids had left home. IF they left home, since many kids don't until an much older age. I have been a travel addict since age 8. Since my first trip overseas. My OTHER dream, besides travel, is to open a HUGE dog shelter to house homeless dogs, and also dogs on death row:( I am currently with a partner; we fell crazy in love from week two. He wants kids one day. I honestly don't know what to do. I wont be a high earner, as social workers get paid about 50 K per year in Australia, and upwards of 80 K once you are a senior social worker. I will simply not be able to afford kids; not unless my partner has a high income. What do I choose? Kids and giving up my life long dreams OR do I pick my life long dreams? Leigh, you're completely wrong. You live in Australia, right? Well, so do I, and your wailing about how you'll never afford anything is just utter rubbish. I've got a mate here at work, he and his wife earn a combined income of under $100K p.a. They have a small daughter, are home owners (mortgage), and his wife is from England. Every 18 months, they travel there for 5 weeks to see her family. Your complaints are utter tosh. Seriously. 3
man_in_the_box Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 so you are a older guy with a younger woman who don't want kids? No, I'm young as well.
WP4046 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 well as a man in his late 30's, my only options for dating since I don't want kids is an attractive woman with adult kids in her 40's an attractive women with no kids who has low self esteem in her 20's I know to stay away from anyone attractive women without kids in the 29-37 age range because I know 95% of them want kids 1
Iguanna Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I know to stay away from anyone attractive women without kids in the 29-37 age range because I know 95% of them want kids Haha that's what I thought too till now but I guess not wanting kids has started to become a very popular approach of life.
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