pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I would be a wonderful mother thanks. What if you ended up as one of those families that does have to scrape by? Where every single cent is devoted to raising the children? Maybe something happens, hubby gets laid of or something? No money for OS holidays and nose jobs. Would to be able to put all of that aside?
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 So to those women who do not want kids in their life: How do you plan on spending your life? Please say things you want to do (except buying shoes and sleep in late in the morning). Building your life around the "responsibility" to procreate is a dangerous game. It's a surefire path to ending up being married to someone that 20 years later, when the kids have left home, you wake up one day and realise you don't know them anymore. 1
OpheliaSong Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 So to those women who do not want kids in their life: How do you plan on spending your life? Please say things you want to do (except buying shoes and sleep in late in the morning). Finish my PhD, further my studies in Finance, become a leader in my company, make lots of money, sleep with a male escort, buy a vintage Stingray Corvette, own a villa in Tuscany, have torrid affairs with at least one Brazilian man and a few Italians, paint poorly done landscapes of the Italian vineyards where I visit for glasses of vino and further study to become an amateur Sommelier, write a novel, finish respectively in a marathon, learn how to Waltz and Tango, French kiss on the French Riviera, own my own home before twenty-five, buy my parents a new home, finish for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, going out when I want to go out, having many nights of drinks, good food and laughs with friends, being a good neighbor, helping my folks in old age, hopefully falling in love with beautiful men, and cleaning up my own messes. 2
Phantom888 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 When I divorced at 35, my kids were 5 and 2 at the time. I was not looking to have more kids with another woman. But after dating around for 3.5 years, I realized that I want to have kids with a really good woman. I dated some nice women who didn't want children, and I eventually broke up with them. To me, motherly instinct is very important in my future partner. So not wanting any kids is a deal breaker for me.
O'Malley Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 The OP will be fine. No regrets here, when I was single I'm sure I overlooked good men who did eventually want children, but it's irrelevant since we wouldn't have been compatible anyway. I'm with a wonderful man who feels the same way as me, but even if I wasn't in a relationship I'd still be pretty content. Childless people shouldn't feel the need to explain their rationales to anyone. Two biggest issues I've observed being childless upon entering your thirties and forties: an increasing amount of your friends will either be childless as well or have teenaged or adult children. Your old friendships with new parents do tend to change, they just won't have the time to go on more adult or evening outings and they generally start steering towards socializing with other people who are in the same situation. If you never want to date men with children at all, you're going to have to do a bit more filtering as you get into the above age range.
Haydn Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Hmmm not sure. I do the Lions share usually. But we both have a lot of flexibility. Most other friends do the same these days. Of course i know that on the whole a mother usually does more but not in my social groups case. Its a good question posed by Bless. About dating. I found that after me and my daughters mother split, but remained great friends, that more woman wanted to date because i had a child. Not sure how that works but a trip to the playground was alight with hormonal feelings, (not for me i was just interested in my daughter not crashing head first of the slide as she sometimes does), but the mothers would always chat and it was pretty obvious what was going on. Maybe ive said enough and Shepp is right, time to get back to the books. 35 yo woman here. I plan on spending my free time painting, going out with my partner more often thanks to the money I'm not spending on other humans, continue volunteering to the local SPCA, etc. If you really take a good look, unfortunately the women spend much more time taking care of the kids than the husbands do. So, if males still find many things to do other than taking care of the kids, it shows that life is NOT only about kids
peruano99 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Finish my PhD, further my studies in Finance, become a leader in my company, make lots of money, sleep with a male escort, buy a vintage Stingray Corvette, own a villa in Tuscany, have torrid affairs with at least one Brazilian man and a few Italians, paint poorly done landscapes of the Italian vineyards where I visit for glasses of vino and further study to become an amateur Sommelier, write a novel, finish respectively in a marathon, learn how to Waltz and Tango, French kiss on the French Riviera, own my own home before twenty-five, buy my parents a new home, finish for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, going out when I want to go out, having many nights of drinks, good food and laughs with friends, being a good neighbor, helping my folks in old age, hopefully falling in love with beautiful men, and cleaning up my own messes. Are you Italian or French?
Haydn Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 i did all these things minus the men. (Women) Well the novel is on hold but i reckon it will be popular. Owned my own home before 25. It was hard work! 32 now and love the life i have with my daughter. No regrets. never will be. just where is.........? Finish my PhD, further my studies in Finance, become a leader in my company, make lots of money, sleep with a male escort, buy a vintage Stingray Corvette, own a villa in Tuscany, have torrid affairs with at least one Brazilian man and a few Italians, paint poorly done landscapes of the Italian vineyards where I visit for glasses of vino and further study to become an amateur Sommelier, write a novel, finish respectively in a marathon, learn how to Waltz and Tango, French kiss on the French Riviera, own my own home before twenty-five, buy my parents a new home, finish for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, going out when I want to go out, having many nights of drinks, good food and laughs with friends, being a good neighbor, helping my folks in old age, hopefully falling in love with beautiful men, and cleaning up my own messes.
georgecostanza Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 There's a lot of tradtional talk about a woman's 'biological clock'. I've been wondering, as I've dated a few girls who say they don't want kids, how can they be sure that won't change? I guess the same could be asked of me, but it would be a major issue if 5-10 years into a relationship one partner changed their stance on this.
Weezy1973 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 There are loads of married men out there with children that cheat. There's little logic in your post. Children does not equal commitment. I made no mention of cheating. Having children is a commitment; therefore men (and women) that want children are clearly capable, and desire commitment. If men or women don't want children, they are much more likely to not be comfortable with commitment (commitment phobes). I'm not saying ALL people that don't want children are commitment-phobic, there would just be a larger percentage in the "no kids" group. If you need evidence - just look at the reasons people gave for not having kids in this very thread. Basically they want their freedom. And the OP pretty much said the same thing - which brings me to my original point, which was basically not wanting kids will only make dating more difficult if you're looking for a long term "marriage" style relationship - not impossible, but more difficult. If, on the other hand, you're just looking to date casually, it will likely make no difference, or even make you more successful.
Els Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I don't believe age really matters, lol. But I am young, but not that young. Okay okay, I'm 25 Well, it does matter, in that firstly no doctor will perform tubal ligation on you at this age, and secondly in that some people have changed their minds later. But it doesn't change my answer, certainly - be yourself, be up front about it, and there will definitely be some compatible guys who want the same things. So to those women who do not want kids in their life: How do you plan on spending your life? Please say things you want to do (except buying shoes and sleep in late in the morning). Why, the same things a man who doesn't want kids would do. Work on your career, embrace your passions and hobbies, spend time with loved ones and friends, live, laugh, love, play. Frankly, the fact that you think there is nothing left in life for a child-free woman to do except shop for shoes, is pretty worrisome. What will you do when your children fly their nest? Or what would you do if you could not find a man who wanted to raise your children with you? Or if you found out you were infertile? Wanting children is fine; tunnel visioning on children to the extent that you don't even know what you'd do with life if you couldn't have them, is a terrible idea.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Well, it does matter, in that firstly no doctor will perform tubal ligation on you at this age, and secondly in that some people have changed their minds later. But it doesn't change my answer, certainly - be yourself, be up front about it, and there will definitely be some compatible guys who want the same things. I certainly wouldn't If I was a doctor...at age 35? ok...you've had a chance to pretty much figure it out for yourself but I'd say wait till 40, but even at 30 that's pushing it...but at least you've had a chance to reconsider your thoughts if you REALLY want this with some life/romantic experience. But at 25 years old?...get the **** out of my office. It doesn't mean you aren't serious about it and it's definitely not a "challenge" of your views or beliefs, but perspectives can change as you grow older...you can have all the reasons in the world not to do something and then something inside you can for lack of a better work *click* and not completely change your mind necessarily but give you a different point of view, that you never had before, felt or considered or even thought/imagined you could ever have...again, you may or may not be affected by that or be affected in a different way...but anyone who's been 25, then 30, then 35 (I am not there yet but the reaper is calling me shortly) can attest to a lot of change, so it's just a learning and growing process...in your 20's you think about yourself mostly, in your 30's...everyone around you starts having babies and getting married, now I'm not saying you will be affected by it, I'm sure as hell not in many ways, but I have a feeling that the older you get the more difficult it is to maintain those, I guess you could call them "values" or beliefs to an extent...because even if people don't necessarily change, they don't necessarily want to do the same thing forever either...the great thing about life today is you choose what that is, well at least based on how you feel. But that's not just about children, it might even be the opposite if you had children younger...it's just basically how life can be. "Plus, in the sense of my being selfish...I like my body the way it is and I don't want stretch marks, cellulite or a torn vagina. Yes, I am selfish in that way and I think in that sense, I'm perfect for NOT wanting kids." I can assure you many men will want your body as well, you will be popular with the boys...however with men who want children, you might get dropped in the end for someone who is willing to go through that, but don't worry...only near the end! Edited February 12, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 There's a lot of tradtional talk about a woman's 'biological clock'. I've been wondering, as I've dated a few girls who say they don't want kids, how can they be sure that won't change? I guess the same could be asked of me, but it would be a major issue if 5-10 years into a relationship one partner changed their stance on this. I've never ever wanted them. I remember dating someone much older when I was 18 and how he said I would change my mind (the usual ). Now I'm 41 and had relationship breakups because the other person wanted children and I didn't. Some people just know. No guarantees of course.
MissTrudy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 So to those women who do not want kids in their life: How do you plan on spending your life? Please say things you want to do (except buying shoes and sleep in late in the morning). I don't want to derail the thread, but asking this question is very offensive and unnecessary. It assumes that the number one priority of women (and not men, as the question explicitly asks women) is to spend their lives rearing children. I know that biologically we are programmed to be born, reproducing, and die, and that women carry more of the burden than men to rear children, but in the world we live in today our lives mean so much more than reproducing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to reproduce, I want to have children in fact, but it is also important to realize that it is ok to NOT want to reproduce. Now, all the sexism aside, People live very fulfilling lives without children and I am not going to lie, I've met some amazing people (MALE AND FEMALE) who I think would make great parents who decided they didn't want to have kids, and it kind of made me sad because they're so awesome, but it's their choice and the reason why they're so awesome probably has to do with the fact that they're childless and thus can pursue their destinies with nothing to hinder them. Not to call kids a hindrance, but some things are more difficult to do with children. I want kids but if I don't have kids, I would have a very fulfilling life. I could travel all over the world and have very few people to answer to. I can take whatever job I want and only worry about supporting myself. I can still have a positive impact on people's lives. With the career I am pursuing, I could probably make more of an impact and do more of what I want without children. But something about raising children appeals to me so that is something I would like to do. But my life is not and will not be defined by whether or not I have children. OP, your pool will be limited but I get the feeling that there are more guys out there than girls who don't want children, so the odds might be in your favor compared to a man that doesn't want kids. You might consider taking the unsure approach with guys instead of flat-out telling them you don't want kids. It is kind of a lie but I don't think it's harmful if done right... you can weed out guys that don't want kids but get to know guys who are unsure better. If you tell everyone you don't want kids and you go into a lot of detail about why you might scare off some guys who are super compatible and are unsure about kids. If a guy is really adamant about kids I get the sense that you're not going to want to continue dating him because that is a deal breaker for you, but if he is unsure it might work out for both of you... if a guy says he is unsure, he is either genuinely unsure or doesn't want kids but is afraid to say it because he knows it will hurt his chances. and if there is any seed of doubt, well you can let that seed germinate and you can be in a childless LTR. Also, if you meet a guy and he doesn't want kids and you tell him you're unsure, I think he'd still want to see you. But if a guy tells you first that he doesn't want kids, then you don't even have to lie It's a conversation you're going to want to have with someone, but I don't think it needs to come up right away. You're young (the same age as me actually) and unless you are explicitly seeking a LTR right now you don't have to draw attention to something that many would view is a deal breaker. Especially because people's opinions change on things like this (not saying your's will or should, but I do know a lot of women who at our age didn't want children but a few years later changed their mind. We are constantly growing as individuals and for that reason I try to accept opposing possibilities in my life because who knows what's going to ultimately happen...I surely don't). I never bring up my opinion on kids unless things are getting serious and the guy hasn't brought it up yet, but in my experience the guy has always brought it up first, and usually they bring it up pretty early (all of the guys I've dated wanted kids but most were like, "yeah kids would be nice" not "OMG I WANT KIDS, KIDS ARE PRECIOUS!!") I don't view withholding the conversation as wasting my time or their time, if they think it's important they'll bring it up and if I did meet a guy and he told me he didn't want kids, I probably would stop seeing him just because I know long-term we're not compatible, but if we're having fun I will continue the relationship since I am not in a rush to settle down at the age of 25. 6
MissTrudy Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I've never ever wanted them. I remember dating someone much older when I was 18 and how he said I would change my mind (the usual ). Now I'm 41 and had relationship breakups because the other person wanted children and I didn't. Some people just know. No guarantees of course. It's like some women and men knowing early on that they're called to the religious life and thus will lead a celibate life. Some people just know. There's nothing wrong with choosing a child-free life, and people who do this, whether it's a buddhist monk, your neighbor down the street, the middle-aged American expat in France, or a catholic nun, tend to live very fulfilling, admirable, respectable lives with no regrets. And and and if you do change your mind late in life there's always adoption! Nothing is impossible if you keep an open mind
Noproblem Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) After 5 years from now The man you called him a lover would be your crazy ex The friend who you called bestie would turn out to be a bad friend The meal you used to like would become annoying People change, that's a fact Why would I ruin a possible great match by telling something that I might change one day I know you don't want kids; I don't want kids or marriage either I'm not your enemy here, I'm just saying Don't tell them about the never part, you might find your soul mate, and lose him because of the never part. By the way I think you know you might change your mind That's why you want to have a procedure to prevent it from ever happening. Edited February 12, 2014 by Noproblem 1
isisisweeping Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 It might limit your pool but not with anyone you'd be happy with long term so no loss. Kids to me are the best ever and I still can't fault someone for choosing not to have them. Its the women who have them and regret them and don't cherish them like my mother I have a problem with... Thank you for knowing yourself better!
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I asked what women who don't want kids intend to do in their lives only to come to the conclusion that the most common answer is "I'll do whatever I like without worrying about another person, I'll pursue my dreams, I'll have fun". As much as I respect that I can't stop wondering: Is this the only purpose in life? To live a responsibility - free life? To have fun? To not have to worry about anyone else than ourselves? For me having a child is the most altruistic act that shows without any doubt that, hey, I've not come in life only to take care of myself and entertain myself. I can put myself second to make another human being happy. In my opinion, people who never want to have kids are people who can't give their 100% of themselves to anyone, may that be a friend or a lover. There are people who just keep some things only for themselves, no matter how much they claim (and they believe it0 to love someone. These people scare me. I can't relate to them. I want to be around people with sensitivities, with insecurities, with human questionings in life so I can relate to them and feel secure with them. In my opinion people who want to have fun in life and not have more responsibilities are the ones who will never completely open up to anyone cause their priority will always be their own selves. I respect their choice, I just can't be around these people. That said, I was misunderstood when I asked "what else will these women do in their lives?", some people thought that I meant that other than having kids there are no more things to do and that my kid will be my only concern, that's not right. I've done things in life that made me happy, I think that now I have to give this wisdom and experience in life to another human being, my child. I'm sure there are ways to offer in this world other than having a child, but honestly in my country I don't think it's possible. I would love to adopt a kid as well. I would love to have the financial and educational opportunity to offer to the society, but I don't and it's hard to do here. I'm sorry if I offended some people, I never meant to.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 So to those women who do not want kids in their life: How do you plan on spending your life? Please say things you want to do (except buying shoes and sleep in late in the morning). What a bizarre question. I do want children, but I assure you that my life won't be lacking in any way if I don't end up having them. Hmm let's see what I could possibly be doing other than raising kids... Working on my career (in the social sciences, so something that actually benefits others directly not just for my own personal satisfaction) Advancing my education (I'm doing a MA at the moment, maybe I'd go for a PhD) Having an awesome, fulfilling relationship with the right person Spending quality time building and strengthening my many satisfying friendships Travel the world going to music concerts Advance my musicianship skills, maybe take my Grade 8 piano and start up lessons again Lots and lots and LOTS of voluntary work (I already do this, but you can always do more!) I feel very sorry for people whose life goals revolve around having children. You must live a very boring life if you can't imagine what you'd do without the kids to focus on. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I asked what women who don't want kids intend to do in their lives only to come to the conclusion that the most common answer is "I'll do whatever I like without worrying about another person, I'll pursue my dreams, I'll have fun". As much as I respect that I can't stop wondering: Is this the only purpose in life? To live a responsibility - free life? To have fun? To not have to worry about anyone else than ourselves? For me having a child is the most altruistic act that shows without any doubt that, hey, I've not come in life only to take care of myself and entertain myself. I can put myself second to make another human being happy. Actually, maybe our posts coincided but my answers didn't really revolved solely around having fun without worrying about others. My career is based about working for the benefit of vulnerable people. My voluntary work involves putting my own time, and feelings, aside to support people who are suicidal, depressed or self-harming. Sure I get a kick out of it all or I wouldn't do it, but it's hardly on the same plane as wanting to sleep in late every day or see the seven wonders of the world. I have great responsibility in my voluntary work both to the people I work directly with and to the other volunteers I've grown to supervise/mentor and in my career that will be even more so. Personally, as much as I want kids, I've always seen having them as a selfish act. The world is overpopulated. We don't need more humans. If I ever have kids I will go into it fully aware that it is for my own benefit, not the benefit of mankind. 1
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 As much as I respect that I can't stop wondering: Is this the only purpose in life? To live a responsibility - free life? To have fun? To not have to worry about anyone else than ourselves? For me having a child is the most altruistic act that shows without any doubt that, hey, I've not come in life only to take care of myself and entertain myself. I can put myself second to make another human being happy. See, this is what I've always suspected: that a lot of people have kids because they don't know what else to do with their lives. What happens when they grow up? When they move away? If they don't have grandkids? If you fall out and they don't talk to you? Will your life lose meaning then? At the age of 50 it will be over? 5
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Actually, maybe our posts coincided but my answers didn't really revolved solely around having fun without worrying about others. My career is based about working for the benefit of vulnerable people. My voluntary work involves putting my own time, and feelings, aside to support people who are suicidal, depressed or self-harming. Sure I get a kick out of it all or I wouldn't do it, but it's hardly on the same plane as wanting to sleep in late every day or see the seven wonders of the world. I have great responsibility in my voluntary work both to the people I work directly with and to the other volunteers I've grown to supervise/mentor and in my career that will be even more so. I honestly and completely respect you. 1
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 See, this is what I've always suspected: that a lot of people have kids because they don't know what else to do with their lives. What happens when they grow up? When they move away? If they don't have grandkids? If you fall out and they don't talk to you? Will your life lose meaning then? At the age of 50 it will be over? To be honest with you, I'm not sure I'll live a long life. It's sad, but I don't think I will. So I think the best way to deal with it is to live my life with what will fulfill me now and the next say 5 years. It's not that I don't know what to do with my life, it's that I am assured that nothing will give me more pleasure than offering things to my child one day. I've done things, I've had fun, I've had relationships and friendships, and unfortunately nothing mattered. I'm happy to hear that for other people these things and people matter more than they did to me.
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm POSITIVE I don't want kids, but I'll freeze an egg just for the ones who swear I'll change my mind. hehe Thing is, I know myself better than anyone else. And all my friends are having kids in their 20's, some are on their 3rd and I just see their lifestyle and I've decided it's not for me. That's all. Yea, it's for THEM, but for me...I want something different. They are happy with kids, I am happy with not having kids. What's wrong with that? It's what makes the world go round, right? We are all different. I say no to kids, so I can say yes to everything else. I picked one BIG no and I million little yes's. And there are doctors who will perform tubal ligation for women in their 20's. But of course, that is a huge step and I'm willing to wait for a couple years to get that done. For now, birth control! As far as dating goes...I'm always honest so the right guy will understand. If not, then he wasn't the one. Another realization of encountered is that I don't plan around boyfriends anymore. I plan around me and what makes me happy. Someone mentioned commitment phobes, and I can totally understand that. My ex was one and he didn't want kids OR marriage. But I want marriage and can commit to another man. Committing to a person and to having a kid are two different things. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I just want something different. 1
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