Weezy1973 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Well, that's completely untrue. There are plenty of men who commit to long-term, faithful relationships, with no children. I agree - there are plenty - but plenty is a relative term. If you were just to use logic - and thought - men who want kids vs. men who don't - which would be more likely to want something long term vs. casual. It really isn't rocket science... 2
newmoon Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'm 39 and childless and made the decision way back in my teens to never have kids. It generally has not been a problem in dating because I tend to date much older men (like maybe 15 years older). I choose my dates with more strategy and care I suppose; men who are older, men who already have kids and don't want any more, men who aren't really close to their families, and men who are dead-set against kids. I'd be very selective with who you date - most people do want families/children, and it not only limits your options, but it also limits how far a guy will go with you. Most of my anti-children boyfriends were also anti-marriage; they often go hand-in-hand for some reason. I am not against being married, but I've heard many times that "if there are no kids, what is the point of being married" - so there are some men who also use 'no children' as a way of offering no commitment. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Not sure Bless, you are very young. Maybe you should just use birth control until you really are sure, (I know you said you are) Surgery can be dangerous. But i never thought i would have a child. Nor did my daughters mother. We were very focussed on career and fun. Then it happened and she who never wanted kids, changed overnight. I am glad she did. My daughter is hard work, fun work, pain in the ass, Beautiful. Life just happens. But whatever you decide in the long run in your corner Bless. Take care. Did you have to give up fun? Could you still afford an overseas trip every few years? Can you afford to do ANYTHING besides care for your daughter and feed yourself and pay the bills? I don't want to give up international travel for the rest of my life due to having ****ty kids. I also want a nose job and botox. Think I sound selfish? I'm a student yet I give lots of change to charity every month. I'm doing a social worker degree. I want occasional overseas trips as well as a kid or two.
SmartDude Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think there are complex factors in the world and in our society right now that affect people's desire to have children. Many people work hard just to survive. Money and free time have a lot to do with it. Having children is no longer the "morally righteous" thing to do for everyone. Earth's population would be unsustainable if everyone had a bunch of kids. Perhaps this is some hidden function of evolution for some people to not want kids? I have no strong desire to have my own. Some people have a very strong desire for children of their own. I also believe that loving only your own kids is kind of selfish on some level... 2
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I agree - there are plenty - but plenty is a relative term. If you were just to use logic - and thought - men who want kids vs. men who don't - which would be more likely to want something long term vs. casual. It really isn't rocket science... There are loads of married men out there with children that cheat. There's little logic in your post. Children does not equal commitment. 1
OpheliaSong Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Of course it will. Just as it will affect who I go out with if they have children already or want them.
crederer Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'm a pretty upfront person when it comes to dating, which I think everyone should be. But one considered "deal breaker" that I unfortunately carry is that I don't want kids (ever) and I've noticed this could be a potential problem. I've always been honest while dating, but this recent discovery of mine has made me realize that dating (serious dating) could be even harder now. Would this be a deal breaker for most of you? What if you really liked someone, would you let that get in the way? Would it make a difference between not being able to have kids or just not wanting them? You look young. My friend's girl says the same. I'm quite sure they'll have kids one day. She doesn't want it as shes very fit and doesn't want to lose that. But as for you, I think in this day and age it's very accepted. The right person for you wont have a problem with it. I dont really want kids either, but I picture myself as a 60 year old with no one (parents will likely be gone, etc). But that being said, I'd say far more people think the same as you than you realize.
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 As you get older, your dating pool will consist of more men with children already. They seldom want any more, having been through that chaos already, so again, you will be desired more than women who want kids or women who already have them. 1
ltjg45 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 After dealing with my family, I have no issue not having kids if my SO doesn't want them either. However, if she wants them, I would have no objections having up to 2 if I am capable of providing to them. So, no, it is not a deal breaker. In fact, I can understand why she felt that way.
Els Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It probably limits your pool, but IMO it is much less common for men to consider it a dealbreaker, than for women. So there is hope there. How old are you, OP, if you don't mind me asking?
Woggle Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It will probably limit it somewhat but more than enough people will want the same things you do.
oldshirt Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 but this recent discovery of mine has made me realize that dating (serious dating) could be even harder now. Let's put this into a bit of perspective. If you paint your toenails bright red, that is going to be a deal breaker for some people. If you don't paint your nails at all that is going to be a deal breaker for someone else. If you have brown hair - deal breaker. If you dye it blonde- deal breaker for someone else. go to the tanning salon - deal breaker. turn pasty white- deal breaker for his twin brother. no college degree - deal breaker. masters degree- deal breaker. don't drink - deal breaker. drink- deal breaker. have sex on the first date- deal breaker. don't have sex on first date- deal breaker. Do you get my point or do you want me to go on?? here's what's important to take away from this though. whether to have kids or not is a major thing. There will be people for whom you not wanting kids will be a deal breaker. and guess who those people are??? .... the guys who want kids!!!!!!! Those are the guys you want to keep away anyway right! If you don't want kids and don't have plans of childrearing, say it loud and say it proud because the guys who also don't want kids (and there are a lot of them) will be the ones who will be drawn to you. The guys who do want kids will take themselves out of the picture so they won't be clogging up your time and energies so be upfront and open about it. The grandmothers and aunts and blue-haired church ladies will have an issue with it but the millions of guys who aren't into breeding will be all over it. I'm putting my money on that it will actually IMPROVE your dating life. 5
mario_C Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 There's pretty much no such thing as single women who aren't mothers or actively pursuing having children, so at some point it can't be a deal breaker anymore. Me, I try to draw the line at being a stepfather to small children (worst level of maintenance) or girls (high probability of being unjustly accused of inappropriate conduct). Your mileage may vary.
Els Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 There's pretty much no such thing as single women who aren't mothers or actively pursuing having children, so at some point it can't be a deal breaker anymore. You do realize that the OP is a woman, right? 1
Allumere Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'd only suggest you maybe consider not doing something permanent. I never had a clock ticking and have said since I was 16 that if I had a burning desire for a kid I would buy one. That said I didn't get fixed til I was 40. I can say in my late 30s I started to feel a bit of regret but by that point the marriage was basically over (you have to have sex to make them lil fellas). If life had played out differently then I may have produced. At 40, too many issues, so that was my birthday present to myself.
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 There's pretty much no such thing as single women who aren't mothers or actively pursuing having children, so at some point it can't be a deal breaker anymore. Me, I try to draw the line at being a stepfather to small children (worst level of maintenance) or girls (high probability of being unjustly accused of inappropriate conduct). Your mileage may vary. Massive failure, there... 2
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'd only suggest you maybe consider not doing something permanent. I never had a clock ticking and have said since I was 16 that if I had a burning desire for a kid I would buy one. That said I didn't get fixed til I was 40. I can say in my late 30s I started to feel a bit of regret but by that point the marriage was basically over (you have to have sex to make them lil fellas). If life had played out differently then I may have produced. At 40, too many issues, so that was my birthday present to myself. Agreed. OP, get fitted for Mirena or get an implant, save a permanent solution for later. You're going to have a lot of trouble getting a doctor to sterilise you whilst you're so young. Also, it's very invasice. And as always, this is not a reason to stop using condoms. I know I don't have to say it, but I will anyway. 1
Haydn Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think sometimes when people plan their lives around having kids it comes as a shock when they actually have them. I never planned to have a kid, life happened. Life changed. It worked for me. Did you have to give up fun? No, more fun. Could you still afford an overseas trip every few years? More these days.Love traveling with her. Can you afford to do ANYTHING besides care for your daughter and feed yourself and pay the bills? Yes, everything and a bit more. (Lucky with my job) I don't want to give up international travel for the rest of my life due to having ****ty kids. I also want a nose job and botox. Think I sound selfish? I'm a student yet I give lots of change to charity every month. I'm doing a social worker degree. No you dont sound selfish at all. I want occasional overseas trips as well as a kid or two.
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Did you have to give up fun? Could you still afford an overseas trip every few years? Can you afford to do ANYTHING besides care for your daughter and feed yourself and pay the bills? I don't want to give up international travel for the rest of my life due to having ****ty kids. I also want a nose job and botox. Think I sound selfish? I'm a student yet I give lots of change to charity every month. I'm doing a social worker degree. I want occasional overseas trips as well as a kid or two. Lol, Leigh. You should ask Haydn what his job entails - then tell me the guy doesn't have it made, gorgeous daughter and all. But you're right. You shouldn't have kids. 1
der Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 There's pretty much no such thing as single women who aren't mothers or actively pursuing having children, so at some point it can't be a deal breaker anymore. Me, I try to draw the line at being a stepfather to small children (worst level of maintenance) or girls (high probability of being unjustly accused of inappropriate conduct). Your mileage may vary. I respectfully disagree.
Shepp Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Did you have to give up fun? This is so subjective, if you imagine a life with kids and see it as giving up fun then maybe it's not for you. But, for me, I can't wait for the boys to be a little older - then I can teach them to ride bikes, we can have a kick about in the garden, build a raft on the lake, sledge in the snow - what beats that on a fun scale? Could you still afford an overseas trip every few years? Totally, we might even go this year. But I want to go more than I did before, I want to show my boy the world, take them snowboarding, on safari, to America, show them rainforests & reefs and stuff. Can you afford to do ANYTHING besides care for your daughter and feed yourself and pay the bills? People, especially on this forum, exaggerate the cost so much! I don'nt want to give up international travel for the rest of my life due to having ****ty kids. If you know how you feel in your heart you shouldn't have kids Just for your bf or for anyone else. That wouldn't be right for you or for the kid! 3
Emilia Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 If you don't want kids and don't have plans of childrearing, say it loud and say it proud because the guys who also don't want kids (and there are a lot of them) will be the ones who will be drawn to you. The guys who do want kids will take themselves out of the picture so they won't be clogging up your time and energies so be upfront and open about it. The grandmothers and aunts and blue-haired church ladies will have an issue with it but the millions of guys who aren't into breeding will be all over it. I'm putting my money on that it will actually IMPROVE your dating life. I don't know whether it improved my dating life but it's something I say often. I've never wanted kids, my friends know it, my colleagues know it (since at my age this thing comes up often), anyone I ever have a more in-depth conversation with knows it. Some men want kids and they are as passionate as Shepp. They just know. Others sit on the fence - this group is the largest in my experience and then there are those that are not into children at all. I think it's also down to age in a slightly different way from women. I hear younger guys talk about having kids more, it's the future they expect to happen. When it gets to older groups, they sometimes change their tune. Maybe they realise how hard it is to make a decent living, maybe they get to know themselves more, maybe they are more ready to do what they want rather than what they think their parents want. There are all sorts out there OP. Nowdays childless people are becoming very common. 3
Andy_K Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I wouldn't date a woman who didn't want kids ever. Not seriously anyway. I already have a daughter from a previous relationship, and I'd like one or two more with the right girl some day. If she wasn't able to, that might be slightly different, depending on the reasons there are other potential options (adoption,surrogate, etc) so I'd be more open minded on that. Plus of course it would be a crime against humanity if my genes were under-represented in the next generation... 1
Iguanna Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids. I was going to make you admit that not wanting kids is selfish, but since you have already admitted it, I will go to my next question. Why do you think a serious man would want to have anything serious with a selfish woman?
Els Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I was going to make you admit that not wanting kids is selfish, but since you have already admitted it, I will go to my next question. Why do you think a serious man would want to have anything serious with a selfish woman? ...Are you serious? Wanting or not wanting kids is a personal decision and it's only selfish if one person tries to lie or manipulate their partner either way. If both partners make the decision together or are up-front about it, there is no selfishness. 7
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