BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'm a pretty upfront person when it comes to dating, which I think everyone should be. But one considered "deal breaker" that I unfortunately carry is that I don't want kids (ever) and I've noticed this could be a potential problem. I've always been honest while dating, but this recent discovery of mine has made me realize that dating (serious dating) could be even harder now. Would this be a deal breaker for most of you? What if you really liked someone, would you let that get in the way? Would it make a difference between not being able to have kids or just not wanting them?
pickflicker Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It will limit your pool, yes. By the same token, you can't have kids because you want to be in a relationship. So you weigh up the pros and cons and do what is best for you.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I want kids, someday (I''m 26 now, probably think about trying when I'm 30 or thereabouts, and only if everything else is in the right place [right guy, right career progression for myself, the right place to live and enough money]). If I met a new guy and he told me he absolutely did not want children I'd thank him for his honesty and walk away. So yes, it will affect your dating. But there's no need to come right out on the first date and tell somebody that, it's too soon. If you hit it off with someone and have been dating for a few weeks/months, then that might be the right time to casually bring it up, so that you are both on the same page. I just started seeing someone a few weeks ago and we discussed it briefly yesterday, I can't remember exactly why the conversation went that way but I told him if I accidentally got pregnant I'm not sure I could have a termination, as I think that's only fair to mention to somebody. I'm on birth control but there is always a risk and it's a greater risk for the man as it's out of his hands. That got us talking about kids in general, to which we established that we both want them but not for a long time. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it's not 'omg let's have a baby!' it's just figuring out whether you are fundamentally incompatible before wasting anyone's time. There was obviously no mention of it being with each other, just abstract. I figure if you're close enough to be having sex you should be able to have that conversation about what you both feel you'd want to do if you got caught out. And if that freaks a guy out, much better to find out earlier because if it ever DID happen, they would freak out even more and be an unstable source of support. I don't plan on discussing the kids issue again for the foreseeable future while we continue to enjoy to get to know one another and I DEFINITELY am doing everything I can to avoid getting pregnant! But these are major potential issues and I think it's wise to at least mention them. 2
tlegend Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 To be honest, I have a 2 1/2yo son that I never planned to have in the first place. Although he turned out to be such a blessing in my life, would it be a dealbreaker if you didn't want kids? No. Note - You are gorgeous. I'm sorry, I had to say it.
pickflicker Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 To be honest, I have a 2 1/2yo son that I never planned to have in the first place. Although he turned out to be such a blessing in my life, would it be a dealbreaker if you didn't want kids? No. I look at it this way - if the guy I was with didn't want kids, I'd be fine with it. If he did want kids, I'd be fine with it (although, I'm kind of enamoured with the idea of having 1 child, so there's be spome negotiating). Either one is fine with me. If there were no kids, there would have to be dogs instead - non-negotiable!! 3
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I look at it this way - if the guy I was with didn't want kids, I'd be fine with it. If he did want kids, I'd be fine with it (although, I'm kind of enamoured with the idea of having 1 child, so there's be spome negotiating). Either one is fine with me. If there were no kids, there would have to be dogs instead - non-negotiable!! haha! I love dogs, I could totally have dogs!!! And I want 2 or 3 dogs! Those will be my kids! :-)
FitChick Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I never wanted kids and neither have two good female friends. If anything it made us more attractive to men. 2
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 To be honest, I have a 2 1/2yo son that I never planned to have in the first place. Although he turned out to be such a blessing in my life, would it be a dealbreaker if you didn't want kids? No. Note - You are gorgeous. I'm sorry, I had to say it. Why, thank you
pickflicker Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 haha! I love dogs, I could totally have dogs!!! And I want 2 or 3 dogs! Those will be my kids! :-) And they'd be English Staffys. Again - non-negotiable 1
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I never wanted kids and neither have two good female friends. If anything it made us more attractive to men. Yea, the only heartbroken one is my mom. I'm actually planning on having a surgery to get me "fixed" too just in case there are any oopsies. It's funny though because I'm young and everyone swears I will change my mind one day, but I'm definitely set on my choice. Even men have said, "oh, I think you will change your mind one day when you meet the love of your life." Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'm indifferent on the kids thing. I can see the pros and cons of both choices. So neither position would be a dealbreaker to me...
Leigh 87 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yea, the only heartbroken one is my mom. I'm actually planning on having a surgery to get me "fixed" too just in case there are any oopsies. It's funny though because I'm young and everyone swears I will change my mind one day, but I'm definitely set on my choice. Even men have said, "oh, I think you will change your mind one day when you meet the love of your life." Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids. It is well known among my friends and family that I hate the idea of having kids. They seem like a death sentence. ... no more overseas travel for my entire life, no botox if I want it, no spending any money on myself. Never again would I be able to buy myself a nice bag. I love giving to charities and kids would disallow that. Every penny you earn goes towards your kids. It's not because I'm selfish either. I would rather give spare money to charities rather than have to spend every penny I earn on a kids or two. My bf wants 2 children. For the first time ever, I am now willing to have kids. However, in addition to my college degree, I'm also doing two one year diploma courses so that I have 3 career paths as options once the child comes along. It will be very hard work doing two full time study loads but it will prepare me so that if I lose my mind and decide on having my bfs kids one day, I will be financially sure of myself since I will have 3 different caree paths I can look for work in...... And it won't be until I'm 32 that I'll even try for my first child. I just turned 27. AND if my bf and I are to break up, I will would rather not have kids. The idea of throwing all my savings away for kids is disgusting:sick: however, I am so in love with the bf that it is such a happy feeling... picturing our kids. It would be lovely IF we can both work and get an income. It just worries me a lot if one of us were to lose our jobs. Wed be in abject poverty if we had two kids. I'm still not comfortable with the idea. .. U couldn't meet a women who detested the idea of having a baby more than I once did and still do to some extent. ...... It is purely the partner that has changed things a little for me. And I'm still sort of undecided. He knows my stance on kids. He just thinks I'll change my mind.......
BC1980 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yea, the only heartbroken one is my mom. I'm actually planning on having a surgery to get me "fixed" too just in case there are any oopsies. It's funny though because I'm young and everyone swears I will change my mind one day, but I'm definitely set on my choice. Even men have said, "oh, I think you will change your mind one day when you meet the love of your life." Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids. What kind of surgery are you considering getting? A hysterectomy? You might change your mind one day. I never wanted kids until I met my last ex, but I loved his son. I basically raised his son for 3 years because his mom had died years before. I loved having a "family" and going to his soccer games, doing homework with him, ect. I never thought I would want that, but I surprised myself. 1
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 What kind of surgery are you considering getting? A hysterectomy? You might change your mind one day. I never wanted kids until I met my last ex, but I loved his son. I basically raised his son for 3 years because his mom had died years before. I loved having a "family" and going to his soccer games, doing homework with him, ect. I never thought I would want that, but I surprised myself. Tubal Ligation. Honestly, this site explains exactly why: I Don?t Want Kids And I Have My Reasons | Thought Catalog I like dogs better. Plus you can leave them at home without a babysitter.
BikerAccnt Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It will limit your dating pool, but not as much as you fear it will. I think you're far more likely to find men who don't want children, than for men to find women that don't. I'm older now, but have been married once, and had a long term relationship with, women who didn't want children. It's not so unusual these days for people to not want kids. I
Haydn Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Not sure Bless, you are very young. Maybe you should just use birth control until you really are sure, (I know you said you are) Surgery can be dangerous. But i never thought i would have a child. Nor did my daughters mother. We were very focussed on career and fun. Then it happened and she who never wanted kids, changed overnight. I am glad she did. My daughter is hard work, fun work, pain in the ass, Beautiful. Life just happens. But whatever you decide in the long run in your corner Bless. Take care. 3
BJP56 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You dont have to have kids in order to have a happy relationship but, I would not limit your options just yet.
Shepp Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It'd personally be a huge deal breaker for me - to be a dad is not something I could of gone without. But that said, my gf didn't want kids, but I was always 95% sure we'd get to a place where she'd change her mind (not that it did happen quite like that in the end but same result) and for the record there was me desperate for kids and her not so yet no one could love our little boys more than my gf! All her deep, theoretical books have gone out the window in place of 'spot the dog' & 'the hungry caterpillar'. I loved her, She was the one for me since I was 15, and I waited and waited for her to finally decide to give 'us' a shot, and I'd of waited forever but had she stuck to the no kids thing, I'd of given it up, to find a girl who would have a family with me. In regards to cant vs won't - cant wouldn't bother me that much as long as she wanted kids and would be happy to adopt. That said, that's me personally, I don't speak for all men at all. It may limit your dating pool ever so slightly but tbh every decision you ever make moves the goal posts of your dating pool. I think more than reduce it, it will simply move the markers, and change to representing a different type of guy...probably a guy that would suit you better anyway. Because id hazard a guess that a person who was desperate for kids and one who was totally against it would probably have quite different takes on a lot of things. 2
Haydn Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Nice Shepp. `The tiger who came to tea` is a must read! It'd personally be a huge deal breaker for me - to be a dad is not something I could of gone without. But that said, my gf didn't want kids, but I was always 95% sure we'd get to a place where she'd change her mind (not that it did happen quite like that in the end but same result) and for the record there was me desperate for kids and her not so yet no one could love our little boys more than my gf! All her deep, theoretical books have gone out the window in place of 'spot the dog' & 'the hungry caterpillar'. I loved her, She was the one for me since I was 15, and I waited and waited for her to finally decide to give 'us' a shot, and I'd of waited forever but had she stuck to the no kids thing, I'd of given it up, to find a girl who would have a family with me. In regards to cant vs won't - cant wouldn't bother me that much as long as she wanted kids and would be happy to adopt. That said, that's me personally, I don't speak for all men at all. It may limit your dating pool ever so slightly but tbh every decision you ever make moves the goal posts of your dating pool. I think more than reduce it, it will simply move the markers, and change to representing a different type of guy...probably a guy that would suit you better anyway. Because id hazard a guess that a person who was desperate for kids and one who was totally against it would probably have quite different takes on a lot of things. 2
BradJacobs Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I come from a large family so my responses are slanted accordingly. Would this be a deal breaker for most of you? It would me. I can't speak for others. What if you really liked someone, would you let that get in the way? Yes. I broke up with my most recent ex because she came to me one day and said that she didn't want anymore children. It was tough for her to admit that and she knew what would happen between us based on her decision. The girl that I am seeing now wants a family of her own as well and that was discussed on the first date. I'm not saying that she will be the mother of my children but at least it's something we both share as a common goal. Would it make a difference between not being able to have kids or just not wanting them? If she loved children and was willing to seek out alternatives, I could make that work. If neither of those are present then it doesn't really matter. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Being that most guys aren't really looking down that road for a while at least, I think you'll be fine for short-term dating...so practically speaking, I don't see it being a huge problem for now. It will even be a huge plus for some, knowing they can't get automatically hitched to you with an accidental oops...an added security blanket of less danger knowing you don't want children. However a serious relationship where a guy actually does see a long-term commitment and investment that does desire children, then yes it'll definitely be a problem..even if things were agreed upon to be fine and then change down the road for him. I wouldn't worry about it too much for now unless you really see things developing into a serious relationship, I think you'll just kind of be creating problems for yourself otherwise...if it's a deal-breaker though and it is mentioned, I wouldn't worry about, let it be and date someone else. Will it minimize your dating pool? I don't think most men will believe you or take you that seriously or care really to be honest with you. 1
Shepp Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 no more overseas travel for my entire life, no botox if I want it, no spending any money on myself. Never again would I be able to buy myself a nice bag. I love giving to charities and kids would disallow that. Every penny you earn goes towards your kids. It's not because I'm selfish either. I would rather give spare money to charities rather than have to spend every penny I earn on a kids or two. If parents are telling you that - they're exaggerating just a little! I certainly don't intend to never go overseas again, nor does every dime I earn go on the kids! —————— Ever heard the song 'there goes my life' - kenny chesney? This thread kind of reminds me of that! 3
Weezy1973 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Yea, the only heartbroken one is my mom. I'm actually planning on having a surgery to get me "fixed" too just in case there are any oopsies. It's funny though because I'm young and everyone swears I will change my mind one day, but I'm definitely set on my choice. Even men have said, "oh, I think you will change your mind one day when you meet the love of your life." Nah. I'm too selfish to have kids. Generally, being selfish will have a much more negative effect on dating than will not wanting kids. You are an attractive young woman so dating should actually be no problem for you at all! However, if you actually want a meaningful, long term relationship with a deep connection, it might cause a problem. Only because the kinds of men that make good parents are generally the same kind that make good life partners/husbands. The kinds of men that want nothing to do with kids are also more likely to be commitmentphobes, players, etc. So if you're looking more for casual sex, FWB, ONS etc. then not wanting kids will work in your favour. If you're looking for a deep, meaningful, long term commitment, then it will probably make it tougher. But not impossible. 1
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Generally, being selfish will have a much more negative effect on dating than will not wanting kids. You are an attractive young woman so dating should actually be no problem for you at all! However, if you actually want a meaningful, long term relationship with a deep connection, it might cause a problem. Only because the kinds of men that make good parents are generally the same kind that make good life partners/husbands. The kinds of men that want nothing to do with kids are also more likely to be commitmentphobes, players, etc. So if you're looking more for casual sex, FWB, ONS etc. then not wanting kids will work in your favour. If you're looking for a deep, meaningful, long term commitment, then it will probably make it tougher. But not impossible. Well, that's completely untrue. There are plenty of men who commit to long-term, faithful relationships, with no children. Also, it's important to have a certain level of selfishness. It means that you don't accept sub-par relationship crap. It means that when you have children, you remember to make your partner feel special, safe, loved and cherished, as well. It keeps a sense of identity, so you are not lost in the parent/caretaker role. 2
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