worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 So what do you make of this? GF & I have been living together for a over a year. All smooth sailing. Yesterday she let drop that her ex-BF from the '90s sent her a birthday well-wish via FB in a private message. She dismissed it as stupid. I don't know why, but I found it...grating. I presume she was telling me in the interest of full disclosure, right? But then I look & I see they're FB friends (have been). They've never ever gotten back together, as he'd been a severe alcoholic. Am I getting balled-up over nothing? Over a classic sh__t test? I didn't quite react, more like "Huh, really" but it did make me quiet for the rest of the day. And she sensed something was wrong by the time we went to bed. I don't want to play any passive-aggressive games or anything, but...argh. I appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.
TXGuy Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It sounds like a harmless 'full disclosure' thing to me. It is less personal than a christmas card. Though I wonder she she still has him as a Facebook friend.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Did she ever tell you they WEREN'T friends? Has she tried to hide this from you, or just never mentioned it?
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 TXGuy- I'm leaning toward 'full disclosure' thing myself. Although I wonder why, too. TaraMaiden - She never said they weren't FB friends. Like, never hid it from me - just never mentioned.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 So, in actual fact, the jealousy is on your part.... You feel she lied by omission, or you're putting 2 + 2 together and making a schyttfest?
carhill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I appreciate any thoughts. Thank you. 'Honey, why would you be interested in sharing with me what a former boyfriend from many years ago sent you? You said it was 'stupid'. Why?' Listen.
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 So, in actual fact, the jealousy is on your part.... You feel she lied by omission, or you're putting 2 + 2 together and making a schyttfest? Oh I'm TOTALLY willing to admit to jealousy. Yes, and I despise that in me. haha, yeah, I'm probably making a little schyttfest in my head.
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 'Honey, why would you be interested in sharing with me what a former boyfriend from many years ago sent you? You said it was 'stupid'. Why?' Listen. Hmmm. Is it necessary to pose those questions?
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Further to what you wrote carhill, there's no way to pose those questions without coming off like a jealous a-hole.
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 See, from her side, it would be a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't situation: She shared this innocuous thing with me, and I bristle. She could've opted to hide it from me, and down the line if I found out, that would make me bristle. 1
carhill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I see open-ended questions as perfectly rational and healthy communication devices. If another person characterizes them with negative rationalities of my motives, then that person is not for me. Marriage taught that lesson about communication and, especially, listening. Good luck. 1
eleve82 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. She probably just mentioned it to you because she DID find it stupid and you are the next closest person to her. It would be a very bad idea to make a big deal out of this. 4
Elias33 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This is why, don't have your ex on your friend-list. 2
xxoo Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I don't see any test. It seems normal that she would mention it. Maybe you're more upset that it happened than that she mentioned it? 1
carhill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 OP, that's a good point. Since this guy was a boyfriend at least 14 years ago or more, and presuming she's had other boyfriends/husbands between then and the year ago when you started dating, has she consistently mentioned interactions/conversations/well wishes/condolences, etc from/to her past relations, establishing a pattern that could be considered 'normal'? As an example, I met my exW's second H while we were dating and knew they had a beloved beagle he had 'custody' of and they routinely chatted about the dog, even after we were married. That was 'normal'. How do things go for you?
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 In the end, I decided I was just being silly/petty/jealous. All I have to do is look at the life we've established together and her daily commitment to it. So I turned around my thinking. The input here really helped. So thank you, everyone! xxoo nailed it: "I don't see any test. It seems normal that she would mention it. Maybe you're more upset that it happened than that she mentioned it?" Yup. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Sounds like you're feeling better about this, but I wanted to add that I did something similar in my last relationship. A guy I had dated for a while a couple of years ago sent me a short and sweet happy birthday e-mail on my birthday. I was about to go out for a birthday dinner with my boyfriend when I got the message on my phone, and I showed it to him. It wasn't to make him jealous or anything - I was just being open about it, as he and I always were about those things. I feel that this sort of openness builds trust. 1
PogoStick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Yesterday she let drop that her ex-BF from the '90s sent her a birthday well-wish via FB in a private message. It's very insecure on your part to be worried about someone from 15+ years ago. 1
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Thanks again, gang! I totally agree with the follow-ups too. Ruby Slippers: openness & honesty are key, and to be treasured. PogoStick: totally right. Dumb, stupid insecurity on my part. It passed though! 1
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