LaylaSings Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) I have a question that may be impossible to answer but I would think some men at least could give me some insight.. My MM only seemed to feel guilty about our affair right after we had been intimate and for a couple weeks following the intimacy. He would pull away a bit after.. Act a little ashamed. Sometimes we went a couple months without anything physical and during those time he seemed to feel no guilt at all, he wasn't ashamed of our emotional connection and only seemed to pull away or shower his wife with gifts after we had been physical. My question is, the conversation we had about not crossing the line again happened only a couple days after we had sex, so in a prime time he was feeling guilty. Any other time before that when we brought up ending things he was against it but not so much this time, he agreed it was too close to home and needed to stop. I'm just wondering if it's likely to stick? Is he going to come back full force as soon as the guilty feeling fade like they always have before? For me I felt the same amount of guilt the entire time, whether emotional connection or physical had occurred but it seemed a lot different for him. Always seemed like he needed some down time after we had sex. I'm wondering if he's just looking at this as down time or really being over because he is still very flirty with me and hasn't changed his demeanour around my at all. Him and my husband work together daily and my husband says OM has been telling him how lucky he is to have a woman like me at home.. And his wife has also been telling me he's talking about me more than normal.. Does this sound like a man who is over things? Edited February 10, 2014 by LaylaSings
Lady2163 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My friend with benefits feels guilty after each time we have sex, but it may not be immediately after we have sex. A few days or weeks after we've been together, if he can't get or maintain an erection with his wife is when it can happen. He is a bit older and is at the age when this could happen without being with me. In seven years we've only had a couple of times where he has been with me instead of at a child's event. Now, before everyone starts telling me what a horrible person I am...with the first one he had an out of town business convention and at the last minute I asked if I could go. He would have been gone, anyway. The second one, he had a mandatory work function in the evening and could not make the child's theater play. He tried to go to dress rehearsals and wasn't allowed. He was gone during that, but afterwards came to see me. When child got home, she really wanted to talk to him. He felt bad the next day because he was late getting home and teen child was asleep before 10:00 PM. I hadn't been in favor of meeting him that night and that was when we had a talk about how I really hate to tell him, "no" when it has to do with the bedroom.
carhill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 'Never let them see you sweat' Men compartmentalize guilt, fear, anger, sadness, etc. That's how we can function in an emotionally neutral state using logic to process challenges which are often life or death. OP, that's precisely how your H and OM can work together and he can tell your H the things he's telling him. Right now, your affair box has been put away, along with any feelings which may obtain to it. When his processes, all completely unknown to you, indicate he needs to pull that box out again, he'll be back with whatever emotional content obtains at that time. That's my take-away from being a MM and having to learn the tools which men use to survive in the world at an age beyond 'normal', meaning peer integration. Prior, I would experience guilt like you do, pervasively. Life and dealing with men in competitive situations changed that, necessarily for survival and success. What remains is your perspective and what you feel is healthy for you. Other than his actions and communicated perspective, supported by those actions, what's in his mind is generally unknown, hence view my opinion as speculation. Good luck!
Author LaylaSings Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 'Never let them see you sweat' Men compartmentalize guilt, fear, anger, sadness, etc. That's how we can function in an emotionally neutral state using logic to process challenges which are often life or death. OP, that's precisely how your H and OM can work together and he can tell your H the things he's telling him. Right now, your affair box has been put away, along with any feelings which may obtain to it. When his processes, all completely unknown to you, indicate he needs to pull that box out again, he'll be back with whatever emotional content obtains at that time. That's my take-away from being a MM and having to learn the tools which men use to survive in the world at an age beyond 'normal', meaning peer integration. Prior, I would experience guilt like you do, pervasively. Life and dealing with men in competitive situations changed that, necessarily for survival and success. What remains is your perspective and what you feel is healthy for you. Other than his actions and communicated perspective, supported by those actions, what's in his mind is generally unknown, hence view my opinion as speculation. Good luck! I'm able to compartmentalize very well myself so I understand that. I can't just shut my feelings off though, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I am all alone. He once told me that he thought about me from morning until night, and that he needed time to decompress from that, so we took some time apart.. Still seeing a lot of each other but not in the affair sense.. Just set it aside for a while. When we resumed he seemed to have a much better handle on his emotions. Told me he could separate it until he saw me or heard my voice. Which I could never do, I could only put it out of my mind when talking to my husband or his wife, in any other situation he was forefront in my thoughts. So if he can only separate feelings when I'm Not right there.. When he doesn't see me.. That's not very often. The longest we go between seeing each other is maybe 48 hours. I guess two things worry me. One that he will be back full force as soon as he no longer feels guilty (is horny??) not sure if there is a difference; I want to believe their is but the last conversation we had leaves me confused.. Two, I worry that eventually seeing me everyday will just be too much for him and our friendship will have to end.
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