Scott Free

[Compulsive Musician]

The OM, Douche, got away unscathed. It's part of why it's been such an immensely difficult battle (historically) not to exact revenge. He's a recluse that doesn't miss 'friends' (has no real need/regard for them as long as he's got his porn, joked about it himself over the years). His g/f stayed with him (they're really good examples of rug sweepers). His parents (who he lives with/off of) are supportive as ever, a portion of the friend circle just doesn't get the magnitude of the damage affairs do (none can relate... I guess fortunately?). Same job, same town, same everything. He completely got away with it.

 

Life isn't fair, that's how it goes. He leads a very sad, emotionally stunted life. With no known mechanics for breaking free from it, his little shroud of an existence is enough happiness for him (when all you love is yourself, that's often all you need).

 

Part of me hopes he learned what a fu**up he is, and he takes steps for growth. Likely though, it goes avoided, unexamined. Nothing is learned outside of 'how stressful it was for him' (his sentiments). And most importantly how not to get caught again.

 

It's a strange world you live in when one aspires for both peace AND justice within society.

But in the end, you imagine in your head who you want to be, and how you hope society can exist, and every choice you make is a chance to prove it's real.

[dichotomy]

I don't know if OM really faced much consequences. I know his wife and he divorced, bu that was 2-3 years after dDay, and who knows why they divorced. As I understand it, OM had many other women, and his wife may have had a guy on this side. He had no kids of his own. I know his life more or less probably stayed the way it was before hand... women, drinking, manly sports,... there is a certain appeal to this life I suppose but it is very selfish. My life is rich in different ways - I have my kids, community involvement and leadership, my profession, respect from others, love of extended family...and I can't care much anymore if he got of "scott free".

Edited February 11, 2014 by dichotomy

[BHsigh]

...or maybe you should realise that the AP owes you zero loyalty (unless he's your personal friend). The person who sh*t all over your trust was your cheating spouse. Reserve your anger for her. She broke the marriage vows. The OM just tapped a willing piece of a**.

 

He was supposed to be a friend, at least I thought that we were, he obviously thought differently. After all, a friend would have pushed my wife to talk to me at the very least, a good friend would have told me.

 

And I still disagree, friend or not, someone that's willing to be n AP has no respect for others whatsoever, and it's my feeling that their getting involved with a married person is a huge negative in our society. The attitude that an AP isn't responsible at all and that all focus should be on the WS alone is enabling. I agree that the WS is the only party in the affair that is responsible for their own marriage, but the AP's part should not just be overlooked.

 

Without two willing people an affair could never take place.

[rumbleseat]

He was supposed to be a friend, at least I thought that we were, he obviously thought differently. After all, a friend would have pushed my wife to talk to me at the very least, a good friend would have told me.

 

And I still disagree, friend or not, someone that's willing to be n AP has no respect for others whatsoever, and it's my feeling that their getting involved with a married person is a huge negative in our society. The attitude that an AP isn't responsible at all and that all focus should be on the WS alone is enabling. I agree that the WS is the only party in the affair that is responsible for their own marriage, but the AP's part should not just be overlooked.

 

Without two willing people an affair could never take place.

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

 

It's actually quite ironic, as it's said so often that a bs shouldn't be angry at the om/ow, that the bs is somehow responsible for the om/ow pain ( by virtue of the fact that they won't stop standing in the way of the om/ow happiness).

Surely the bs owes them even less loyalty than the om/ow owes them?

 

A's seem to almost always be very hurtful to everyone involved, and no one walks away without some pretty deep scars. This being said, at some point the buck has to stop somewhere. At some point ( at least when it comes to the ws and om/ow) it can no longer be anyone else's fault but their own. From what I can tell, the people who realize this are the ones who can move on and have a happy life.

[waterwoman]

I didn't tell her H for reasons I have gone into here before.

 

But as she hasn't had the courage to leave her abusive H and has now had another baby I guess she isn't exactly in clover. Perhaps telling him would have done her a favour in the long term. I suspect she also lives in fear of him finding out some time. She tried to leave him during the affair - I think she held out some hope that my H would follow suit, hence she is still married now it's all over. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. I don't think she got off scot-free.

[Ap22]

Well my wifes AP gave up ever seeing his son again if I didnt tell his wife. Although losing his son was not much of a loss for him. He was a deadbeat at worst, absentee at best. I really dont care about him.

 

The problem for me is I feel my WW is getting away with it. She is very remorseful, doing everything right, and I know its not easy for her either.....but at the end of the day, she was able to have sex with someone and still keep her family intact. Maybe its the newness of it all as to why I feel this way. Hopefully it goes away, but sometimes I get angry and start an argument because I want to punish her.

[BHsigh]

Well my wifes AP gave up ever seeing his son again if I didnt tell his wife. Although losing his son was not much of a loss for him. He was a deadbeat at worst, absentee at best. I really dont care about him.

 

The problem for me is I feel my WW is getting away with it. She is very remorseful, doing everything right, and I know its not easy for her either.....but at the end of the day, she was able to have sex with someone and still keep her family intact. Maybe its the newness of it all as to why I feel this way. Hopefully it goes away, but sometimes I get angry and start an argument because I want to punish her.

 

Uggh, I still feel that way too, WW and POSOM got to hang out, have fun, have sex and I get to pay for it.

 

She lost some privacy and the ability to ever have male friends, but really, when it all coems down to it, all that she lost was my trust, in exchange I get to pay for their affair.

[Sofie2013]

At first it looked like my ExAP was going to walk way scout free. My husband made sure that didn’t happen he exposed the affair at work. We worked for the same company. We both would lose your jobs. I would later tell his wife about the affair. Since it wasn’t his first affair his wife decided enough was enough and kicked him out and filed for divorce. Last I heard he was planning on leaving the city I don’t know how true that is. He probably wishing he never met me.

[Spark1111]

One the one hand her AP got away with it, because they work in the same Faculty at the same University. So in order to destroy him, I would have to destroy the professional reputation of my WW. Not going to do that.

 

But what began as a small group of intimate prof friends that did everything together, that ending up in a LTR for my W and her AP, means they cannot ever sit together socially, professionally, in committee, or do anything that they enjoyed as friends that was actually what brought them together. This is forever. That has to hurt.

 

This AP genuinely thought he would win her over with enough time, and he was probably right, had I not discovered it early enough. He had been himself a BS 3 years previously, lost his W to her AP after a year of trying to reconcile. I imagine he thinks he has a year at least to wait for my W to change her mind or for me to kick her out.

 

Wow sea views....we have so much in common....truly.

 

My H xAP also thought he would leave me for her just as her xH left her for his AP. DIdn't happen.

 

And she did get emotional, very, to learn they could no longer be friends and chat every day after we reconciled.

 

two years later she blatantly broke NC in the workplace to see if he was interested in reinitiating the affair. She had a bf at the time, so it must have seemed boring in comparison to an illicit affair.

 

Or, she thought he had gone home out of a sense of obligation, not love, so they could resume.

 

I did initially feel yes, she got away Scott free, but no longer think so.

 

because wherever you go, there you are. And she has been through a series of BFs, some married, while her xH and fMM are happy today while she still seems to search for some man to rescue her from it all.

 

we all know without introspection and growth and change that comes from within, that just doesn't happen, KWIM?

[experiencethedevine]

My WH's mistress didn't walk away scot free.....she has to wake up every day as herself.

 

 

 

 

Oh my YM, that made me laugh so much I spat my tea!! ...............

[merrmeade]

The OM, Douche, got away unscathed. It's part of why it's been such an immensely difficult battle (historically) not to exact revenge. He's a recluse that doesn't miss 'friends' (has no real need/regard for them as long as he's got his porn, joked about it himself over the years). His g/f stayed with him (they're really good examples of rug sweepers). His parents (who he lives with/off of) are supportive as ever, a portion of the friend circle just doesn't get the magnitude of the damage affairs do (none can relate... I guess fortunately?). Same job, same town, same everything. He completely got away with it.

 

Life isn't fair, that's how it goes. He leads a very sad, emotionally stunted life. With no known mechanics for breaking free from it, his little shroud of an existence is enough happiness for him (when all you love is yourself, that's often all you need).

 

Part of me hopes he learned what a fu**up he is, and he takes steps for growth. Likely though, it goes avoided, unexamined. Nothing is learned outside of 'how stressful it was for him' (his sentiments). And most importantly how not to get caught again.

 

It's a strange world you live in when one aspires for both peace AND justice within society.

But in the end, you imagine in your head who you want to be, and how you hope society can exist, and every choice you make is a chance to prove it's real.

 

I got interested in yours and Compulsive Dancer's story, read several posts from both your threads. Just wanted to say that I appreciated the vicarious satisfaction I felt with your explosion of fury when the Douche (somehow doesn't he deserve an article with his name?) came over, the wife came home and you ranted and exploded and broke your hand and your door. I only yelled at my BH once with rage and it was on the phone. I actually apologized for losing it later (some misplaced sense of debt to civilized behavior - what am I British? Just a coward.) Hardly cathartic. There were a few times of screaming/crying/banging on things when no one was around, but that's not nearly as satisfying as making BOTH wrong-doers cower, no holds barred, before your white-hot rage. My sister-in-law, the OW, always expected this the few times we interacted following d-day and instead shamed me mute before I had a chance to say a word. So you see there's a lot worse than losing it when absolutely no one would fault you for doing otherwise.

 

Your compassion is good and well-placed now. It will help him, though you're certainly not obligated. But never feel guilty for your initial righteous indignation. I wish I'd immersed myself in a lot more of it earlier on.

Edited February 25, 2014 by merrmeade