sweet_pea Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hey y'all. I don't know if the ugly weather outside has me going back to the affair or feeling more down than usual but what's this board for if not to let me vent and connect with others who've been in my place? Has anyone ever felt like the AP got out of the affair scott free? That they helped burst your life into flames and didn't face any consequences for it other than the affair possibly ending. Or that the consequences that they faced don't really seem like consequences or equal to the pain you've faced. Trust, I know this doesn't apply to every affair or AP so if you are coming here to let me know, I got it already. I also know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really even matter, but I'm human and I stew over things sometimes. How do you learn not to even care? I don't know, just thinking about things I guess. It's weird because I would tell someone to not focus on whether someone faces consequences or not, but I guess I can't take my own advice! Oh wellllll, such is life. Hope everyone is having a great day 2
BHsigh Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This one's easy, of course my WW's POSOM got away scott free, no consequences at all. He got to keep all of his friends that knew about the affair and were supposed to be friends with me too, he was single and his family (mother and father, his father is the Morman bishop in our area) simply chose to ignore my requests for assistance in keeping him away when we decided to reconcile, they just ignored me period, pretty low thing for a church leader to do isn't it, someone that's supposed to care about his community. It's highly unfair, which is why I support the idea of having alienation of affection laws in every state. I believe that the fact that there is close to zero consequences for an AP in our country contributes to the rising number of affairs, along with it's portrayal on TV and in movies of course.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I believe that my wife's AP got away scot-free. It is a hard realization to accept as a BS.
Sub Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yes, there are times I feel this way. It created a lot of anger not too long ago.
Author sweet_pea Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It's comforting, although sad to know I am not alone in feeling like this. Affairs just suck :/ I normally don't feel so down thinking about this but today is just one of those days. I also realized I spelled "scot-free" wrong…
underwater2010 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Well my FWH would be considered MOW's AP. Let me tell you the past year has been hell financially for us. He suffered a job loss, we almost got evicted and my car has been repossessed. So no...not every AP gets off scott free. I would like to think they all pay for the bad behavior...but I cannot speak for everyone else. 3
Author sweet_pea Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Hey, underwater. I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I understand not everyone gets off scot-free. I should've explained more that it feels that way when it comes to single APs getting off scot-free in relation to affairs, but yes, I know not everyone 'gets away' with it. I'm just not having a good day and felt like venting a little is all.
Sub Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I should've explained more that it feels that way when it comes to single APs getting off scot-free in relation to affairs,... Yes. A definite qualifier. What really burns me is how the OM took little to no responsibility for his part. Put it all on my W. Grrrrrrr.....
Owl Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Nope, he didn't get away "scot-free". He was in love with my wife (or his perception of her), and thought that his dreams were coming true and she was coming to live with him...when that all fell through and they realized that no 'friendship' post affair would ever be possible. He suffered from the loss of their 'relationship'. He didn't sail away scot-free into the sunset...he had his @$$ handed to him emotionally pretty darned hard. He's got some emotional scars from the whole thing, same as my wife and I, I'm pretty darned sure. I don't feel sorry for him, but I don't think he just "got away with it" either. 2
underwater2010 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hey, underwater. I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I understand not everyone gets off scot-free. I should've explained more that it feels that way when it comes to single APs getting off scot-free in relation to affairs, but yes, I know not everyone 'gets away' with it. I'm just not having a good day and felt like venting a little is all. I didn't take it personally at all. I have been where you are right now. I totally hated it. Knowing that she screwed around multiple times and got away with it. I don't know where the relationship is at...I have talk to her BH since he showed up at my work. But in my opinion...she totally got away with. So do a lot of AP I see at the bar. SUCKS big time.
snappytomcat Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I know what you mean,i feel like my husbands affair partner got away scott free,but she also didn't in a way,hard to explain,my dday was last june,and my husband ended it with her,didnt give her any explanations,just said hes working on his marriage,when I found out I was devastated,and furious and left for a few days,and wouldn't accept his calls,or texts. so he wrote me a very heartfelt letter,and basically said it was the worst mistake he will ever make in his life,and even if it didn't work out for us,he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. (before I walked out for a few days,i said I wont spend my life being compared to her)and in the letter he said there was never any comparison to you,because she cant compare to you,and you might not believe it now when I told her it was over,i never gave her a second thought,i know its hard to believe right now,hell she probably would find it hard to believe,but the only thing I care about is making things good with you. so yes she did get away with a lot,but she is still in love with my husband,and her life is passing her by,as she sits there pining away for him,really sad actually,and how I know this,is she got a hold of me about 3 weeks ago,crying,and begging me to let hubby talk to her,she just needs a friend,i never responded to her
eloise123 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I know what you mean,i feel like my husbands affair partner got away scott free,but she also didn't in a way,hard to explain,my dday was last june,and my husband ended it with her,didnt give her any explanations,just said hes working on his marriage,when I found out I was devastated,and furious and left for a few days,and wouldn't accept his calls,or texts. so he wrote me a very heartfelt letter,and basically said it was the worst mistake he will ever make in his life,and even if it didn't work out for us,he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. (before I walked out for a few days,i said I wont spend my life being compared to her)and in the letter he said there was never any comparison to you,because she cant compare to you,and you might not believe it now when I told her it was over,i never gave her a second thought,i know its hard to believe right now,hell she probably would find it hard to believe,but the only thing I care about is making things good with you. so yes she did get away with a lot,but she is still in love with my husband,and her life is passing her by,as she sits there pining away for him,really sad actually,and how I know this,is she got a hold of me about 3 weeks ago,crying,and begging me to let hubby talk to her,she just needs a friend,i never responded to her So a real question, did you not feel comfortable enough to put him on and let him say what he had to say? Would that have not been closure for you?
troubadour Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This one's easy, of course my WW's POSOM got away scott free, no consequences at all. He got to keep all of his friends that knew about the affair and were supposed to be friends with me too, he was single and his family (mother and father, his father is the Morman bishop in our area) simply chose to ignore my requests for assistance in keeping him away when we decided to reconcile, they just ignored me period, pretty low thing for a church leader to do isn't it, someone that's supposed to care about his community. It's highly unfair, which is why I support the idea of having alienation of affection laws in every state. I believe that the fact that there is close to zero consequences for an AP in our country contributes to the rising number of affairs, along with it's portrayal on TV and in movies of course. You could have exposed the affair yourself.
snappytomcat Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 So a real question, did you not feel comfortable enough to put him on and let him say what he had to say? Would that have not been closure for you? ummm I don't know what you mean here,but he didn't have anything else to say to her,im not his keeper if he wanted to talk to her he could have,i have closure
experiencethedevine Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 As awful as the individual my husband chose to have an affair with, I don't believe she got away unscathed, even though she was single. She'd been divorced after a 6 year marriage by some substantial period of time, took great pride (likely because of the distance involved in maintaining the affair) in telling everyone she knew (including her Mother) that her 'partner' was a married man, and was apparently completely unabashed about parading him around openly in this regard. She was desperate, lonely and running out of time to find someone to be a suitable companion in her latter years. She saw my husband as a very attractive option financially as much as anything else. She was childless with a house full of china dolls kept in cabinets as a substitute. An indication of a deeper issue........... She was determined to have my husband come hell or high water and at any cost it seemed, so when the whole sordid business blew open, and she was cast aside like the contents of a dustbin after nearly four years of her most ardent and gargantuan efforts to attain her aims, she was left with four years of wasted time, effort and investment in a man she knew was married and surely should have known it was never going to be the 'love story' she attained to. She lost a great deal, including her sanity temporarily, her loss of liberty as a consequence of her bizarre, insidious and dangerous behaviour, and her reputation to boot. She was completely enraged at his easy dismissal of her,and placed the blame for that firmly at my feet. I have never known a woman so bitterly demonic. She got away with an awful lot, yes, but she didn't get anywhere near the result she had worked so hard to attain. I don't believe either she or my husband got off 'scot-free'. 1
BHsigh Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You could have exposed the affair yourself. Oh, believe me, I did. But the thing is that all of his friends already knew about it and didn't care, even though they were supposed to be my friends too. His family just ignored me. He kept all of his friends, and so far as I ever heard, he told his parents that my wife lied about being married and that he didn't know that she was married with kids, which is BS, because (1) we were all friends, he met my kids with me there and (2) he would come to our apartment when I was out of town for work, when my kids went to sleep. But I suppose his parents bought it, no matter what I said. I guess he just denied that he even knew me. Oh, and he's the one that broke off the affair, three times, before getting the last time to stick, before I found out. Scot free
snappytomcat Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 As awful as the individual my husband chose to have an affair with, I don't believe she got away unscathed, even though she was single. She'd been divorced after a 6 year marriage by some substantial period of time, took great pride (likely because of the distance involved in maintaining the affair) in telling everyone she knew (including her Mother) that her 'partner' was a married man, and was apparently completely unabashed about parading him around openly in this regard. She was desperate, lonely and running out of time to find someone to be a suitable companion in her latter years. She saw my husband as a very attractive option financially as much as anything else. She was childless with a house full of china dolls kept in cabinets as a substitute. An indication of a deeper issue........... She was determined to have my husband come hell or high water and at any cost it seemed, so when the whole sordid business blew open, and she was cast aside like the contents of a dustbin after nearly four years of her most ardent and gargantuan efforts to attain her aims, she was left with four years of wasted time, effort and investment in a man she knew was married and surely should have known it was never going to be the 'love story' she attained to. She lost a great deal, including her sanity temporarily, her loss of liberty as a consequence of her bizarre, insidious and dangerous behaviour, and her reputation to boot. She was completely enraged at his easy dismissal of her,and placed the blame for that firmly at my feet. I have never known a woman so bitterly demonic. She got away with an awful lot, yes, but she didn't get anywhere near the result she had worked so hard to attain. I don't believe either she or my husband got off 'scot-free'. this is kinda of what I was trying to say,im not good with words 1
Author sweet_pea Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks for sharing your input and understanding where I'm coming from, y'all. I appreciate it!
EverySunset Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 she got away scot-free. it used to bother me... but not enough to do anything about it. now? I don't even care if she finds my STBXH and reignites the affair that cost him his marriage, home, job... The chain of events they started tore through his life like dominoes and both STBXH and I paid for it for a long time until I asked myself why I was... and I didnt have an answer for myself.
Timmos Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I imagine he got away with it. I did expose the whole thing to his wife (coincidentally on his birthday - karma and all, I'm sure), but she seemed fairly angry and in 'shoot the messenger mode.' There appeared to be a minor fall out over it, but she was very defensive of him, and since then, they have acted very lovey-dovey with each other. Recently, when I reactivated my wife's 'fake' Facebook account (the one she used to contact him with) in order to delete it, he was still the only friend on the account. Its obvious that his wife had not done any serious detective work, despite all the chats, etc, that I had sent her. The guy is an excellent liar. If I had to guess, I'd say he successfully lied his way out of it. I have mixed feelings regarding his wife - both pity and wondering how she could be so bloody stupid. 1
yellowmaverick Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 My WH's mistress didn't walk away scot free.....she has to wake up every day as herself. 4
compulsivedancer Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Hey y'all. I don't know if the ugly weather outside has me going back to the affair or feeling more down than usual but what's this board for if not to let me vent and connect with others who've been in my place? Has anyone ever felt like the AP got out of the affair scott free? That they helped burst your life into flames and didn't face any consequences for it other than the affair possibly ending. Or that the consequences that they faced don't really seem like consequences or equal to the pain you've faced. Trust, I know this doesn't apply to every affair or AP so if you are coming here to let me know, I got it already. I also know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really even matter, but I'm human and I stew over things sometimes. How do you learn not to even care? I don't know, just thinking about things I guess. It's weird because I would tell someone to not focus on whether someone faces consequences or not, but I guess I can't take my own advice! Oh wellllll, such is life. Hope everyone is having a great day Yes. But then I remember that he gave up the person that cared the most about him outside of family (H, not me). He also gave up much of his friends circle and the ability to interact with them freely as a group. I don't know if he sees any of them, but I know he's lost a few of them. I don't know if he's realized yet what he's lost, but I know he will eventually, and if he doesn't it makes me sad.
compulsivedancer Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It's comforting, although sad to know I am not alone in feeling like this. Affairs just suck :/ I normally don't feel so down thinking about this but today is just one of those days. I also realized I spelled "scot-free" wrong… If you look it up, there are several acceptable spellings.
BeholdtheMan Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It's highly unfair, which is why I support the idea of having alienation of affection laws in every state. I believe that the fact that there is close to zero consequences for an AP in our country contributes to the rising number of affairs, along with it's portrayal on TV and in movies of course. ...or maybe you should realise that the AP owes you zero loyalty (unless he's your personal friend). The person who sh*t all over your trust was your cheating spouse. Reserve your anger for her. She broke the marriage vows. The OM just tapped a willing piece of a**. 1
Recommended Posts