Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hi all, I'm back for some needed advice. I have been dating this 40 year old man for about 6 months. We see each other a few times a week and weekends so, yes we have been spending a lot of time together lately. But sometimes I feel like his behavior is really odd. I just don't know if it's his personality or if he has mental issues. I don't know what else to think so, I'm asking of maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can give me your take. I have been wanting to sit him down and talk to him but I'm the type of woman that just needs to think about what I'm going to say it and how. Here are some of the things that have made me question this relationship. SORRY if this is long.... 1) He just started grad school and he got a B on his mid term. He was sad and depressed the ENTIRE day because he didn't get an A!!! It consumed him so much that he kept asking me if I thought that an 85% was a good grade. I'm not exaggerating. He asked me 10 times! 2) When we have gone out on dates and he begins to drink he always brings up my past relationships. He asks me very inappropriate questions. 3) Under the influence he likes to tell me how he ALWAYS get attention from strange women everywhere he goes. That they basically throw themselves at him. For example at a restaurant or when he is out at a bar. He tells me his friends are amazed at how "does it." When I tell him that I get attention as well (in conversation) he makes rude comments back--For example--I told him that I was out with my gf and a guy approached me and asked for my number--his response to that was. "you should have taken his number, he would have done me a big favor, that way I don't have to take you out and spend money on you anymore" (he claims that this response was a joke) 4) He's affectionate when are hanging out at his place but not affectionate in public. 5) For some reason, the next morning he doesn't seem to remember all the rude and mean things that he says to me when he is under the influence of alcohol, and acts like nothing happened. These are just a few things. He also has told me that he adores me and that I mean the world to him. This is what confuses me. Oh and by the way, I've already met his friends and family and it seems like always wants to spend time with me. Any advice or responses are appreciated. Thanks.
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Normal is a loaded word. I think he may be insecure which is why he uses alcohol as a crutch, is worried about grades, brags about past women hitting on him & asks inappropriate questions about your past. The fact that he doesn't remember after drinking is a bad sign.
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 d0nnivain, Him being very insecure has crossed my mind. I just don't understand why he would boast about how he has NO PROBLEM getting women when he has me? Honestly, I've been told I'm very attractive and beautiful by both men and women. stillafool, I'm 43.
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He's not only trying to convince you that he's desirable, he's trying to convince himself. 2
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 He's not only trying to convince you that he's desirable, he's trying to convince himself. Completely agree! It bothers him that I rarely compliment him. I do compliment him but I'm not going to be fake and compliment him because he needs reassurance! He never compliments me. Only that my hair looks nice sometimes. Last night he told me that he's going to start therapy tomorrow. I said, "I'm glad because I think it would be good for you." So do you think it's a good idea that I talk to him about it?
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 How old are you? Why would my age be important?
MidwestUSA Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Has he ever been married or in a LTR? Is he gainfully employed while attending school?
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Has he ever been married or in a LTR? Is he gainfully employed while attending school? Hi MidwestUSA, No, he's never been married. Has had several LTR's, one that was over 5 years I believe when he was in his 20's. His last LTR ended about 2 months before he started dating me. It lasted 3 years. Yes, he has a full time job and goes to school.
mammasita Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I went out on a few dates with a guy that got SUPER offended and walked away in a huff from a bar because I alluded to the fact that he watched porn. I mean HOW DARE I ever in my life even think that. He came back, but later that night after a few more drinks he started crying. There were no more dates. Your guy reminds me of this. An insecure full grown Man-baby. I would run.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Why would my age be important? I thought if you were a 20 something individual he might just be playing games but since you both are pretty much the same age my original thought is not the case.
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I went out on a few dates with a guy that got SUPER offended and walked away in a huff from a bar because I alluded to the fact that he watched porn. I mean HOW DARE I ever in my life even think that. He came back, but later that night after a few more drinks he started crying. There were no more dates. Your guy reminds me of this. An insecure full grown Man-baby. I would run. Funny that you say that because sometimes when we are out and we are having a good time. He starts to say cruel and rude things to me out of the blue. Things that make me feel like he is testing me to see how I would react! I don't know any woman that likes to listen to her boyfriend constantly talk about how other women approach him and say things to him like "you smell delicious" and supposedly throw numbers at him. Its rude and inappropriate!
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) I thought if you were a 20 something individual he might just be playing games but since you both are pretty much the same age my original thought is not the case. He acts like he's 20 sometimes! LOL! Ugh! He always talks about how 20 something girls are coming on to him because he supposedly looks SO young! It really gets frustrating listening to him. I don't know if I should laugh or get angry Edited February 10, 2014 by Juventa2012 spell check
salparadise Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He starts to say cruel and rude things to me out of the blue. Things that make me feel like he is testing me to see how I would react! I don't know any woman that likes to listen to her boyfriend constantly talk about how other women approach him and say things to him like "you smell delicious" and supposedly throw numbers at him. Its rude and inappropriate! He's seeking validation, insecure, and working pretty hard to convince himself that he's extra special. These are narcissistic tendencies. I'm guessing that he grew up without the kind of unconditional love and validation that a child needs to feel inherently valuable. So many people spend their adult life preoccupied with meeting the needs which were not met when they were children. It's sad but not uncommon. Perhaps therapy will help him, although it's not going to turn him into a different person. You should be thinking about what the relationship potential is with him. Does he have wonderful offsetting qualities that you adore? What's your baseline––can you deal with a partner who needs a lot of external validation?
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 He's seeking validation, insecure, and working pretty hard to convince himself that he's extra special. These are narcissistic tendencies. I'm guessing that he grew up without the kind of unconditional love and validation that a child needs to feel inherently valuable. So many people spend their adult life preoccupied with meeting the needs which were not met when they were children. It's sad but not uncommon. Perhaps therapy will help him, although it's not going to turn him into a different person. You should be thinking about what the relationship potential is with him. Does he have wonderful offsetting qualities that you adore? What's your baseline––can you deal with a partner who needs a lot of external validation? Hi and thank you! I just got a text from him saying "Still upset a little bit about my grade." He got his mid term grade of 85 yesterday and started comparing his grade to other classmates. He was upset all day yesterday because 5 people from the class scored higher than him. He was sad faced and asked me about 10 times, if I thought his grade was good. It didn't seem normal to me. I felt like no matter what I said it wasn't going to make him feel better. He has talked to me a little about his past and how he grew up. His dad was abusive towards his mom, both physically and emotionally. He said that his mom kicked his dad out. My boyfriend was a teenager at that time. His parents were separated for 3 years and his mom took the dad back after that. That is all I know. He does have a lot of qualities that I adore, but honestly, I don't know of anyone that can deal with a partner that constantly needs reassurance and validation.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He is a classic emotional vampire in the making. The next time he complains about his grade, reply "yeah, you're right, you could probs have done better." I bet he quits after that..... When you see him next, he will sulk and complain that you said that. In response, you can point out to him that you don't know WTF he wants.... He mentioned it to you 10 times, and 10 times you tried to reassure him. Now, when you agree with him, he's still pissy. You can't win, what the hell does he want from you, already?!? Really. Put him on the spot. make him responsible for his feelings and responses. on't try the band-aid approach all the time. Consolation just makes them suck up more of your energy. Sadly, what you do through comfort, is to enable. 2
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 He is a classic emotional vampire in the making. The next time he complains about his grade, reply "yeah, you're right, you could probs have done better." I bet he quits after that..... When you see him next, he will sulk and complain that you said that. In response, you can point out to him that you don't know WTF he wants.... He mentioned it to you 10 times, and 10 times you tried to reassure him. Now, when you agree with him, he's still pissy. You can't win, what the hell does he want from you, already?!? Really. Put him on the spot. make him responsible for his feelings and responses. on't try the band-aid approach all the time. Consolation just makes them suck up more of your energy. Sadly, what you do through comfort, is to enable. Hi Tara! It's been draining! I'm not his therapist. I told him to stop over-analyzing, and just move forward because there is nothing that he could do now to change his grade. I told him that he shouldn't feel down on himself for not getting an A. Try better next time. Seriously, I don't think any approach will work with him. I feel like he wants to hear something that is appealing to him and if he doesn't hear it, he's going to continue to complain.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hi Tara! It's been draining! I'm not his therapist. Absolutely right, on both counts. 'Draining' describes the reaction to an Emotional Vampire, precisely. He saps your energy, with the amount of effort you have to make to support him emotionally... And damn right you're not his therapist - nor should you be! And he has no right to expect that kind of input from you, but that's what he's doing. He is taking your emotional investment and using it as a further prop for his own ends and motives. it's all one sided. What kind of emotional support does he give you? How "Nourished" do you feel by his affections? .... I feel like he wants to hear something that is appealing to him and if he doesn't hear it, he's going to continue to complain Of course. because that's his MO. the more he complains the more people will prop him up and feed his inadequacy with their positivity. Nothing you say will make him feel better. because that's not his end-game. His end-game is to garner sympathy and suck you dry.
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Absolutely right, on both counts. 'Draining' describes the reaction to an Emotional Vampire, precisely. He saps your energy, with the amount of effort you have to make to support him emotionally... And damn right you're not his therapist - nor should you be! And he has no right to expect that kind of input from you, but that's what he's doing. He is taking your emotional investment and using it as a further prop for his own ends and motives. it's all one sided. What kind of emotional support does he give you? How "Nourished" do you feel by his affections? Of course. because that's his MO. the more he complains the more people will prop him up and feed his inadequacy with their positivity. Nothing you say will make him feel better. because that's not his end-game. His end-game is to garner sympathy and suck you dry. He is very supportive. But one thing is, I'm not a needy person. I feel like he is very needy and needs attention on a constant basis and analyzes everything I say. For example when I told him "not to be so hard on himself" He replied with "You think I'm being too hard on myself?" WTH??!! All I was trying to say was, that he shouldn't be down on himself because he got a grade that he wasn't expecting. Its not like he failed the exam. I honestly don't think therapy will change him, nor do I expect it. He's40 for goodness sake. Set in his ways. How can I communicate with someone like this?
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It's only been 6 months and already you're finding it heavy going. Where do you see yourself in a year (apart from feeling 10 years older, that is)? My point is: How much effort on your part are you willing to continue investing, if you feel that he's 40 and will never change? can you see yourself growing old with this man? If not - what do you think you should do? And more importantly - when? See, you have to start thinking about damage-limitation/self-preservation.... He might well be supportive, and that's good. Does it make up for everything you find YOU'RE having to put into this? 1
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It's only been 6 months and already you're finding it heavy going. Where do you see yourself in a year (apart from feeling 10 years older, that is)? My point is: How much effort on your part are you willing to continue investing, if you feel that he's 40 and will never change? can you see yourself growing old with this man? If not - what do you think you should do? And more importantly - when? See, you have to start thinking about damage-limitation/self-preservation.... He might well be supportive, and that's good. Does it make up for everything you find YOU'RE having to put into this? It's too soon to tell or make a decision, but I feel like I need to maybe tell him how I feel about everything. There are a few more issues besides his neediness. I'm just going to have to see what happens when I talk to him. Keep you posted.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Good luck, I wish you well. Yes, do.....
salparadise Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hi and thank you! I just got a text from him saying "Still upset a little bit about my grade." He got his mid term grade of 85 yesterday and started comparing his grade to other classmates. He was upset all day yesterday because 5 people from the class scored higher than him. He was sad faced and asked me about 10 times, if I thought his grade was good. It didn't seem normal to me. I felt like no matter what I said it wasn't going to make him feel better. Getting a grade that's 6th in the class, and not an A, undermines his need to feel that he's extra special. It's called narcissistic injury. He is looking to you for some validation that would help repair his injury and support his need to be special. He has talked to me a little about his past and how he grew up. His dad was abusive towards his mom, both physically and emotionally. He said that his mom kicked his dad out. My boyfriend was a teenager at that time. His parents were separated for 3 years and his mom took the dad back after that. That is all I know. I think it would be a safe bet that his father, and maybe mother too, were abusive to him as well. The pattern was likely established earlier in childhood than parents' split in his teens. He does have a lot of qualities that I adore, but honestly, I don't know of anyone that can deal with a partner that constantly needs reassurance and validation. Yes, I don't know how bad his predisposition are but these people usually need a partner who will provide perfect mirroring to support the aggrandized self-image they require. I would suggest a softer approach than TaraMaiden. I think you need to assert your personal boundaries, but I don't think you need to confront him or burst his bubble so to speak. Try to be understanding of how he feels and be compassionate without allowing his need for constant mirroring to take an emotional toll on you. Even though you may decide that you can't continue to be in a relationship with him, remember that he's just one more injured person who suffers his condition every day. It's not necessary to condemn him for how he is... he didn't choose his parents or childhood circumstances. He's probably doing the best he can and giving a lot to try and make the relationship successful, it's just that he needs a lot and the way he needs is considered abnormal. That doesn't make him an awful person. It's going to be hard on him if/when you break it off, and you gain nothing by making it worse by being harsh or uncaring. Does this make sense to you?
Author Juventa2012 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Getting a grade that's 6th in the class, and not an A, undermines his need to feel that he's extra special. It's called narcissistic injury. He is looking to you for some validation that would help repair his injury and support his need to be special. I think it would be a safe bet that his father, and maybe mother too, were abusive to him as well. The pattern was likely established earlier in childhood than parents' split in his teens. Yes, I don't know how bad his predisposition are but these people usually need a partner who will provide perfect mirroring to support the aggrandized self-image they require. I would suggest a softer approach than TaraMaiden. I think you need to assert your personal boundaries, but I don't think you need to confront him or burst his bubble so to speak. Try to be understanding of how he feels and be compassionate without allowing his need for constant mirroring to take an emotional toll on you. Even though you may decide that you can't continue to be in a relationship with him, remember that he's just one more injured person who suffers his condition every day. It's not necessary to condemn him for how he is... he didn't choose his parents or childhood circumstances. He's probably doing the best he can and giving a lot to try and make the relationship successful, it's just that he needs a lot and the way he needs is considered abnormal. That doesn't make him an awful person. It's going to be hard on him if/when you break it off, and you gain nothing by making it worse by being harsh or uncaring. Does this make sense to you? Yes, it makes complete sense. I realize that he may have had an abusive upbringing. I think he was abused as a child but its hard for him to talk about it. Overall, I think he is good person. About him needing a partner to support a "perfect mirroring" for the aggrandized self image, are you saying that he needs to be with someone that's exactly like him? Edited February 11, 2014 by Juventa2012
hotpotato Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Completely agree! It bothers him that I rarely compliment him. I do compliment him but I'm not going to be fake and compliment him because he needs reassurance! He never compliments me. Only that my hair looks nice sometimes. Last night he told me that he's going to start therapy tomorrow. I said, "I'm glad because I think it would be good for you." So do you think it's a good idea that I talk to him about it? Red flag! When someone starts harping on things they don't even do for you, the time to leave is quickly approaching...This is what I call nit p I king or grasping at straws. If you acquiesce to this, he will find something else to complain about. I'm glad he's going to therapy. Edited February 11, 2014 by hotpotato 1
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