kodakgirl Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'm 26 and have spent most of the last ten years really wanting a partner, minus three years where I was in love (and in a relationship with him for part of it) and bits that add up to maybe a year where I was involved with men without it ever becoming a relationship. I'm not really baffled why I've been so single-- where I've lived and my shyness are major ones, though more than that is that I'm really really picky and don't meet a lot of men who interest me (though when I have (and they've been straight and single!) I've done pretty well at gaining their interest back, so I don't feel I'm unrealistic). I almost never get approached or flirted with and I get way less than the average messages online, but the successful romances/romance fragments I've had have all involved me making the first move, so I don't know if it matters (except as something that sometimes attacks my self-confidence). So, well, I guess I know why I'm single, this isn't a thread complaining about that. I have high standards-- all right. I don't ask for anything I don't offer (and I'm really, really not vain-- I only really feel confident attributing good traits to myself if I feel I have solid empirical evidence they are true!). I HAVE met men who exceeded them and who really liked me (things not working out have usually been due mostly to external circumstances-- I'm pretty unlucky that way). I've tried going on dates with men who didn't really interest me and it's been fine, pleasant, but I just don't feel interested. I would definitely rather be single than with someone I don't feel strongly about. But, as I said, meeting men I do feel strongly about is pretty rare. If I'm going to take this route, I'm going to be single for a long time, maybe always. I'm used to being single (even the relationship was mostly long-distance) and I have a lot going on in my life. Grad school, hobbies, pets, friends. It's fine. Except I just can't get the desire for a partner out of the front of my mind. I think about it every day (which often turns into wishing past experiences had worked out differently, which is just stupid). I really, really want someone special and I often feel frustrated and depressed, despite being a generally happy optimistic person. I love love. It's hard to really accept that maybe it will be years before it happens again, or maybe it won't. So, well-- does any one have advice on accepting that? I feel I've been 'looking' for all my adult life, or at least 'waiting'. I don't want to anymore. I would love if I did meet someone but I want to get out of this cycle of hope and disappointment. I don't really believe that "it finds you when you aren't looking" but it might be worthwhile to test that out, haha... if I could just stop 'looking.' Thoughts? Thank you in advance!
SadNLonley Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sounds to me like you at least have good things in your life to help ease the thoughts of wanting a partner. A lot of people don't have that. Makes it worse to get through if you don't I wonder if its not bred in us to want/need to have a special person in our life. Ive been single for the first time in 21 years for the past 8 months. I struggle with the feeling of needing or wanting someone in my life. Unlike you, I need to find and enjoy myself first before worrying or caring to find someone else. It may not be the best place to look, but have you thought about Online Dating? Could be a lot of losers, but there could be a lot of good ones too. Heck, even if there are dates here and there, it may help what you are feeling.
Scales Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It comes down to this. You either settle or you hold out for a small pool of guys who meet your requirements. You won't settle. So either compromise on a few things or hold out for a couple more years being alone. Being single and waiting for a healthy relationship is nothing to be ashamed of. As much as we are programmed to want to be with someone, it takes a much stronger person to be alone: striving for what they want over being someone who "needs" somebody. Often times those are the people quick to marry or are never single. Their foundation is based on something other than themselves and so is their happiness. If you need someone now, you only need to be opportunistic. Finding a relationship is all about opportunity and timing. Everything else is minor. If where you live doesn't offer much opportunity, you may have to settle for less.
Author kodakgirl Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Thank you both, I appreciate it. I am pretty happy with the rest of my life-- I had a couple years where everything seemed to be going to hell, but I've got past that and I'm very happy with where I am and very proud I've gotten here. I'm not afraid of being alone. I don't "need" a partner. I have a ton of things to be thankful for, and I am. What you're saying, Scales, is exactly what I realize. Having high standards is a choice, and you have to accept the consequences of that choice--often being single for a long time. I do accept that, I'm just still in the earlier stages I guess. I'm not asking for anything I don't offer-- I want a man who is just as nice, intelligent, interesting, compassionate, driven, enthusiastic, optimistic, passionate, and attractive as I am, more or less. Things like height and income don't really matter to me (although being fairly fit does, since it's a health thing.) I know men like this exist. I know they are usually in relationships with great girls. I also know sometimes they aren't, for various reasons. I know sometimes they really like me back. I don't know if it's going to happen again, or when it will, but I know I want that, or nothing (well, not nothing, a happy fulfilled single life). I just want to get to the point where I feel totally okay with this choice and can just stop thinking about it. I don't want to feel so painfully single anymore. I want it just to be a simple fact about me, nothing emotional-- I have blue eyes, I'm single. I guess it just takes time, maybe (I've been single for years, but I'm only now trying to fully accept it as a possibly permanent state). Oh and SadnLonely (aww, hope that changes soon!), I have tried online dating-- I have met a couple guys I really liked there over the years, including one who I thought might have been "it", but in general I have a hard time finding my kind of guy there and I end up feeling more frustrated and hopeless. I kind of just want to take a break entirely. Edited February 11, 2014 by kodakgirl
notyouraveragebabe Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 It sucks to want something and the more you want it, its just not happening. I feel the same way. They say when you stop looking is when it happens. Or when you least expect it, it'll happen. If only we have the patience right?! It's ok to look, you're just being aware of your surroundings. You mention having standards and I agree with that. You should never not have any standards. And I only ask for what I have. So good luck and try to be patient.
DL2mer Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I've been single for a few years now, honestly I've been extremely happy. I do get unwanted romantic advances and at times feel like I should give in to these women, yet I had such a great past relationship and know what I want now I just can't do it. I wish I could say when your not looking is when you'll meet the one, that hasn't been the case for me and I really don't mind the fact that I might be permantly single. There isn't anything wrong with having a ideal partner in mind. I've got a laundry list of deal breakers and try to live by them. As far as how to keep your mind off of being single, I would take up a hobby or set financial goals to work towards. Save up to buy a home or take that vacation to who knows where you have been putting off. One thing I have noticed, if you appear totally uninterested in the opposite sex potential partners come out of the woodwork. That might not sound bad at first but I've had some pretty weird experiences in the past two years and would suggest that you exercise caution. A lot of people may look normal at first sight but really are not when you get to know them a little. Best wishes
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