confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My husband tries very hard and we are looking for a new MC. He wants us to R so bad and some days I want to as well, but right now I am freaking out. How can I do this? He lied to me for close to two years...made me feel like an idiot for questioning his relationship with his ex...lied to me even more when I found out....I can't believe he actually slept with her. I was so sick last year. He won't give me a lot of details about what happened, but I'm not sure I want them. I can't sit still most of the time. I'm a basket case. I am not at peace with staying or with leaving. I don't meet with my counselor until next week and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin today. He looks at me so pitifully like all he wants me to say is everything is going to be fine, but I can't do that. I just can't. I want to run away.....but I don't know where. We have a little boy. I'm terrified he's going to do this again...i don't know who he is or was or anything....
No Limit Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He looks at me so pitifully like all he wants me to say is everything is going to be fine, but I can't do that. Don't let him pressure you into anything. Whether he likes it or not, you're having the reins now and he's brought himself into this situation. He knew it was wrong and it's not your problem if he underestimated the consequences or things just don't go back to being great and peaceful once you apologize. 2
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 All I can do is cry and shake. I will be fine for awhile, like i"m numb, but then it all hits me again and I can't breathe. He seems so screwed up right now and he has been crying, but trying not to because his counselor told him that he tends to try to emotionally blackmail people and he's really trying not to do that. I don't want him to cry near me. I hate it. I hate it because I think he's such a fake POS right now. I know he's hurting, but I feel nothing for him. I feel dead inside. I don't always bu this week I do. we had a blow up last week and he said the most horrible things. he told me the night before last he didn't even mean them, he just wated me to hurt the way he was hurting. Seriously????????????? I didn't lie to him fo years and make him feel like he was crazy and sleep with my ex and destroy the lives of him and our son. F.uck his hurt is what I feel like saying right now but I know i s because can't think straight.I think I may be having a full blown panic attack......I absolutely hate my life righ t now.... What you are going through is TRAUMA. The extent of the trauma depends in part on your disposition and the extent of the betrayal. What you are feeling is perfectly "normal" considering what you have gone through. From remembering myself this way, nearly a year ago, D-Day: Don't HIDE anything. IF your WS is going to see all this, all the better for the both of you. Keep it from the child. It's hard. Really hard. Use your child as an escape from the trauma. A little bit helps. HANG IN THERE. Don't imagine the MC is going to take this all away. You are going to suffer. And that suffering needs time. Don't make decisions, but get what you need from those around you to help you through this, including him. Now, I can say this too: Everything is going to be okay. Truly. A warm hug out to you!
snappytomcat Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 iam so sorry you are going through this I felt exactly the same way for about 4 months after dday,I know I had some form of ptsd,and I was pissed that I was just a shell of my old self,and he did that to me,like I was some kinda of pathetic,fragile creature,that he needed to rescue,but he didn't get I didn't need rescuing from him he caused the pain
frogss29 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 My husband tries very hard and we are looking for a new MC. He wants us to R so bad and some days I want to as well, but right now I am freaking out. How can I do this? He lied to me for close to two years...made me feel like an idiot for questioning his relationship with his ex...lied to me even more when I found out....I can't believe he actually slept with her. I was so sick last year. He won't give me a lot of details about what happened, but I'm not sure I want them. I can't sit still most of the time. I'm a basket case. I am not at peace with staying or with leaving. I don't meet with my counselor until next week and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin today. He looks at me so pitifully like all he wants me to say is everything is going to be fine, but I can't do that. I just can't. I want to run away.....but I don't know where. We have a little boy. I'm terrified he's going to do this again...i don't know who he is or was or anything.... It is such a hard time. It doesn't matter WHAT he says to try and make things right. All you can do is think about what he has done that has led to how you are feeling. I know the feeling of not being able to stay still. I suppose no one has the answers to help you through this. But if he is truly sorry, truly trying to work things through then you need to decide if you are willing to do the hard work and try and work it out. It is hard.
dichotomy Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 He won't give me a lot of details about what happened, but I'm not sure I want them. I don't know who he is or was or anything.... Have you discussed these two points in therapy? You are changing therapists? Was the old one not helping?
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 relax, breathe and focus on you and your feelings. he will have to grow up and deal with his own feelings. That is what adults do. His crying as a form of emotional blackmail is very immature, but it was learned a very long time ago and he will have to unlearn it. It's a very poor coping skill. Take care of yourself first. call your doctor. Tell him the truth. They have heard it all, trust me. meds may be in order. Also, it may be too soon for MC. It was for me. Until I could reach equilibrium, I attended IC and he did too for 6 months until WE were ready for MC. Please make sure your MC has a proven track record in healing couples from infidelity. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Both in IC and in MC. My counselor said "Once you hear it you can't unhear it. I don't believe you need all the details. You know things were done and they were wrong. I think that is enough to help you move through this and beyond this." She does, however, totally understand my need to know and I do know quite a bit. It is what is holding me back because he's such a manipulator and liar. Or was. I know he wants to change who he was and is trying. We are changing therapists because our MC was degrading to both of us. We both left there every week or two weeks feeling like we were the scum of the earth and honestly? Neither of us have had as horrible as a past as some have. This is the worst thing my husband has ever done, that I know of, and I'm so boring and have hardly ever done anything (geez..I don't even drink or smoke..that's how boring I am) so I felt It was unfair to have to feel that way every time I left her office. Being constructively told how to work on things would have been nice, if she was going to tear us to shreds. I understand we had to wade through tough stuff but it was just weird. Have you discussed these two points in therapy? You are changing therapists? Was the old one not helping?
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thank you! I know a couple of these but I'm going to look up the rest now!As you are looking for a good MC, here are some books I bought in Amazon and had my WS read: How to help your Spouse heal from your Affair: Linda Macdonald When Good people have affairs: Mira Kirshenbaum I Love you but I don't trust you: Mira Kirshenbaum "Not 'just friends'" (Shirley Glass) is a classic and if you had to only read ONE book, this might be it because it spans all the issues beautifully Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment: EMily Brown Especially her material on Exit affairs and Split-self My absolute favourite read: Women's Infidelity I and II by Michelle Langley. It's specifically about women's infidelity patterns, but it's totally applicable to men aside from the material on feminism and the Cinderella syndrome. (Her books are expensive. There are PDF versions out there if you know what I mean!) I have spoken about this elsewhere, that Langley has a fascinating theory about "Limbo" which goes a long way to understanding how someone can be in two relationships at the same time, and how they justify staying there for YEARS!!!
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