Belle88 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I am not married but I've been having a "affair" so to speak for 2.5 months. I really hope I don't get bashed here. I am looking for some kind of guidance since I know I've messed up big time. I've posted about my relationship in the past so I won't go into all the sorted details. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/429255-what-point-do-i-give-up-i-am-wrong http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/451246-someone-tell-me-i-did-right-thing I thought I had ended things with my boyfriend at the end of December but he didn't want to. He made it really hard for me to let go. We had a talk about patching things up but still things have been the same. I've had a close guy friend for a few years. He's essentially my best friend. We've always had a close friendship. We know everything about each other the good, the bad, and the ugly. When we became friends we were both in relationships that weren't going anywhere so we would commiserate together. I never felt any kind of attractive to him for the first couple of years. It wasn't until the beginning of November that my feelings shifted and I woke up and had really strong feelings for him. At the beginning of November we were drinking together because our friends bailed on us and I drank enough so that I had courage to tell him about my feelings. He surprised me and told me he has had feelings for me for over a year but knew that I was taken. We started slowly talking and hanging. We took the physical relationship slow. My feelings have grown for him but I am unsure if he's the right one for me because he has a lot of baggage. The reason I've stayed with my boyfriend throughout this mess is because he finally said he was ready to start our life together. He wants to move in August. It's like finally he is giving me want I've been asking for but part of me feels like it's a little too late. Things have not changed though beyond that. I still see him once a week and talk maybe 15 minutes a week on the phone. The guy I've been seeing has given me an ultimatum that he cannot handle the fact that I have a boyfriend any longer. He is upset that I haven't broken up with my boyfriend. He doesn't just want to be the guy on the side anymore even though he is who I am always with. I feel so mixed up and guilty for this mess I've caused. Help
janedoe67 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I wasn't expecting this post to be about the new guy giving you an ultimatum. I thought it would be your boyfriend, given that this new guy knew you were attached. I would come completely clean and work on yourself, and the relationship part will play out how it will play out. 1
kalimata Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Pick one guy or the other. Its not hard. Luckily you're not married, or else this would have been a WHOLE lot harder. Don't keep pulling strings on both of these guys because you can't choose. Don't be selfish and try to keep them both either. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Pick neither but stop seeing both. Clearly you don't love your BF so there is no sense moving in with him. If he was everything you wanted & your relationship was healthy you wouldn't care what the new guy said or did. You care about the new guy & seem to want to go in the direction but because this isn't an easy choice for you & you aren't making it voluntarily without the ultimatum, he's not IT either. Be done with them both & spend some time alone to clear your head. 1
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Based on everything you have written about both guys, I think you should be single for a long, long while. You need to find yourself and be alone for a while before you are ready for any kind of relationship. 2
stillafool Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Why is it so hard to pick the one you want to be with and let the other one go?
peruano99 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Tell your boyfriend and then decide who you want to be with. 1
miguelcervantes Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Tell your boyfriend and then decide who you want to be with. Agree with the above!
oldshirt Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 The guy I've been seeing has given me an ultimatum that he cannot handle the fact that I have a boyfriend any longer. He is upset that I haven't broken up with my boyfriend. He doesn't just want to be the guy on the side anymore even though he is who I am always with. He is 100% justified in his ultimatum. He has every right to walk if you sit on the fence. He would be dumb not to in fact.
oldshirt Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 ....and your BF would be 100% justified in issuing the same ultimatum as well as 100% justified in walking for you cheating on him.
Steadfast Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 If people truly understood that their happiness does NOT depend on any single choice that they make, but rather, nurturing and learning to give and receive what they have, they wouldn't get into this predicament. Very well said. The OP is coming from a selfish "what/who will make me happier?" point of view. Given that, she'll never be truly satisfied with anyone, because no one is capable of providing another person's happiness.
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