Thicke2013 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. Things are serious and we have discussed getting engaged and married. We have a deep connection that I have never felt with anyone. Our relationship is great! I'm going to apologize now for the length but I want good advice so I feel the need to give details. Here goes... Now the problem, or at least as I see it. A few months back, I had an ex gf that would text me once in a while. She is still single but never crossed the line and never asked me out even thought it seemed that is what she was fishing for. She even text me one Sunday morning while I was at my gf's house. This bothered her so I text my ex and told her I was in a committed happy relationship and it was best for her to not text me anymore. Even though we had been friends for the past 10 years since our break-up it did not bother me because I know my gf now will be my wife one day. I love her with all I am. Fast forward to this past Friday. She has an ex that would call her once in a while out of the blue. Probably 3-4 times a year. She would never contact him, it was always him contacting her. Their relationship ended over 10 years ago and my gf broke it off with him. The detail that bothers me about the whole thing is she told me that his wife was extremely jealous and wouldn't even allow them to be fb friends. So the fact that he was going behind his wife's back to call my gf didn't sit well with me. I think he had/has ulterior motives. After all, he is risking his marriage potentially to call her so he has to be trying to gain something from it right? Or am I over thinking it? So she and I agreed that the next time he called her she would tell him that it would most likely be best for him not to call anymore. Fast forward to this Friday, he called. They had a 15 minute conversation that she immediately told me about, but she didn't tell him not to call. I was PISSED!! I was also hurt. She didn't do what she told me she would do. Now that made me second guess everything. She has never done anything to make me think she would cheat or that our relationship isn't everything she wants. As a matter of fact she tells me all the time that I am the man that she has waited all her life for. Now, I asked her why and she said she didn't think about it because she was so excited to tell him about us and how happy we were. I confirmed this by talking to her office mate who is a mutual friend. Your thoughts?
Grumpybutfun Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 She made a commitment to you that the next time he called she would tell him it would be best if he didn't call her anymore. She betrayed that agreement, so she lied. This is a good opportunity for you to reiterate that commitments are commitments. Being honest and following through on what you as a couple agree on is important. Calmly sit down with her and tell Her that when she makes an agreement and doesn't follow through it it erodes trust and respect. She now needs to call her ex back and tell him that she thinks it is inappropriate for him to contact her again. She dropped the ball on this one and she has to rectify her mistake. An agreement is a promise and she broke her promise so she has to make it right. She came and told you right away so hopefully she sees that she did the absolute wrong thing. If she refuses, you have your answer on her level of commitment to you. If she says it will be embarrassing to her to call him out of the blue with something like that, let her know how embarrassing it is to have a girlfriend who says she loves you and yet through her actions are holding onto her past ex and also disrespecting you by asking you to do things which she is not willing to do. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author Thicke2013 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 She made a commitment to you that the next time he called she would tell him it would be best if he didn't call her anymore. She betrayed that agreement, so she lied. This is a good opportunity for you to reiterate that commitments are commitments. Being honest and following through on what you as a couple agree on is important. Calmly sit down with her and tell Her that when she makes an agreement and doesn't follow through it it erodes trust and respect. She now needs to call her ex back and tell him that she thinks it is inappropriate for him to contact her again. She dropped the ball on this one and she has to rectify her mistake. An agreement is a promise and she broke her promise so she has to make it right. She came and told you right away so hopefully she sees that she did the absolute wrong thing. If she refuses, you have your answer on her level of commitment to you. If she says it will be embarrassing to her to call him out of the blue with something like that, let her know how embarrassing it is to have a girlfriend who says she loves you and yet through her actions are holding onto her past ex and also disrespecting you by asking you to do things which she is not willing to do. Good luck, Grumps I agree Grumps. Thing is, she doesn't have his number. He never calls her on her personal number it's always through the switchboard at work. I did however this morning walk her through the steps to find the call history which she did not know that it kept. She found the number. Now I guess it's a wait and see. Thanks for the advice.
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It's a problem but not an insurmountable one. If you trust your GF find a way to work through it. It's a shame she didn't tell her EX to stop but if nothing has happened between them for 10 years, I doubt you have anything to worry about now. Her EX's W seems a bit controlling & I suspect that is why he doesn't tell his W about his contact with his EX / your GF. While that doesn't speak well for their marriage after all this time I can't conclude without more that it means he wants to get back together with your GF. Although I don't think it will happen because of the W, perhaps the 4 of you could have dinner so everybody understands there is nothing going on that is improper. 1
Author Thicke2013 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It's a problem but not an insurmountable one. If you trust your GF find a way to work through it. It's a shame she didn't tell her EX to stop but if nothing has happened between them for 10 years, I doubt you have anything to worry about now. Her EX's W seems a bit controlling & I suspect that is why he doesn't tell his W about his contact with his EX / your GF. While that doesn't speak well for their marriage after all this time I can't conclude without more that it means he wants to get back together with your GF. Although I don't think it will happen because of the W, perhaps the 4 of you could have dinner so everybody understands there is nothing going on that is improper. My gf has actually said that she wouldn't mind having dinner but that his wife won't allow it. I wouldn't mind so much if everything was out in the open. To me it gets a little messy when someone is hiding it. I feel sometimes out of respect for the ex's W that my gf should tell him to stop contact. If he is really a friend shouldn't she want to do what is best for him? Aside from that the biggest issue for me is that she said she was going to handle it one way and didn't. It has damaged my trust somewhat. I don't for a second feel that it is insurmountable, however, in the future I expect for her to do things a certain way if she has promised to do so. Is that too much too ask?
Author Thicke2013 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Okay, so last night we had pretty uneventful evening. I still couldn't get my mind off of the whole situation and she could tell. Finally I asked her if we could talk. I calmly asked her why she didn't call him and ask him not to contact her anymore. She said she didn't think anything about it. She was busy at work etc. I said you knew how important it was to me so you should have made it a priority. It turned into a big discussion about a lot of other things in our relationship. Nothing big just normal relationship things I think. Trying to figure out how to blend 2 lives without losing yourself. After the discussion she said she will call today. I guess we will see if she does. This is a huge deal for me, not because I think she has any feelings for this guy, but because she told me that she would do it. Thoughts?
Poppygoodwill Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I would say on the face of it, you're overreacting to this one minor thing, and reading a whole lot into it. But clearly you are genuinely bothered by it. So I think you need to figure out why you're actually bothered by it. What else does it relate to in your relationship? Or what does it relate to in your psyche that is afraid of being lied to, or something else? YOu're just engaged, so that must be bringing up stuff for you - fears and insecurities. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but in this case I think it's something else. What?
Author Thicke2013 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I would say on the face of it, you're overreacting to this one minor thing, and reading a whole lot into it. But clearly you are genuinely bothered by it. So I think you need to figure out why you're actually bothered by it. What else does it relate to in your relationship? Or what does it relate to in your psyche that is afraid of being lied to, or something else? YOu're just engaged, so that must be bringing up stuff for you - fears and insecurities. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but in this case I think it's something else. What? Maybe I am reading too much into it. I just want her to do for me what she asked me to do for her a few months back. I want her to keep her word and do what she said she would do. Is it wrong of me to feel that she is more concerned with his feelings than my own because she hasn't called? If I knew something were this important to her I would want it taken care of immediately so not to cause any issues between us.
Author Thicke2013 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Okay, so she did tell him yesterday. She emailed him and said that due to the fact that he is going behind his wife's back makes me uncomfortable and that she loves me so much that she would ask him not to contact her anymore. She told him I would probably feel different if we had all met and were friends. She then wished him well. At first I thought she was being coward by emailing and not calling, but then she said she wanted to be able to prove to me that she did tell him. She kept the email and showed it to me last night. I appreciated the fact that she did that. She could have not called him and told me she did and I would have never known for sure. We talked some more about it last night and she admitted we both can be very stubborn and hard headed at times which we both know is true. I thanked her for seeing how important it was to me. She then thanked me for wanting to protect her love. She has never had a man want that for her. All is well that ends well I guess. Thanks for the sound advice everyone. It helps to have unbiased opinions to listen to. 1
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