bangarang Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Here goes. I'm in my mid twenties and extremely happily married to my husband of 3 years, but I had a relationship with a woman. I've been reading through posts on here and keep seeing, 'if you had an affair you're marriage must have been troubled', but I can promise that my marriage is amazing. My husband and I were childhood sweethearts. We got together very young, married in our early twenties and have always been very happy together. We are best friends. My husband has always known I am bi, and he is very open minded himself when it comes to sexuality. We have a fantastic sex life and have had threesomes/foursomes etc. Last year I started talking to a girl in her early twenties on a lesbian chat site (that my husband knew I used). I told her from the very start I was married and only ever looking for casual fun. She wasn't into the idea of 'casual' but we kept talking, as friends. After a week or so of online chatting and texting, we began talking on the phone. We connected, I mean really connected. She was gay and she was from a Muslim family. Her father is out of the picture but she has a close family, of aunts, uncles and cousins. Before going to uni she lived with her mother. She had a tough childhood, she spent a lot of time living abroad. She often got in trouble and clashed with her mother. She briefly told me that her mother had beaten her. She was not 'out' to her family, but her mother pretty much knew she was gay, and I think other family members suspected. I am from a non-religious, modern thinking, British family. I admit to being somewhat naive towards her family's culture. It was very difficult to me to understand how she could be reluctant to be herself in front of her family. I am very strong minded and outspoken about my passion for LGBT equality. She knew her family would not accept her (bar a few) and her 'coming out' would cause tremendous grief for her mother. I was of the opinion, 'if they don't accept you, you don't need them. No one should put their religion before their child's happiness, etc'. After a month of so, we realised we were more than just friends. We had met on several occasions and had a physical relationship. She told me she felt more for me than she had any other girl, that she had never imagined a future with anyone before but she did so with me. For a while, I wondered if this was all just 'sweet talk'. Despite her family and background, she was certainly a confident girl, very charming, knew how to work women. I had feelings for her too. She impressed me. She is smart, funny, and had been through so much, more than I could ever imagine. Just before Christmas, she told an extended family member (non Muslim) she was gay and about me. Word got round the family and she had a very hard time. As it was Christmas she was home from uni, but her mother kicked her out of the family home. I felt sick. I was so angry. I felt so bad. I felt like it was my fault. Whilst I knew it would all come out eventually, it was awful timing. I wanted her to be honest with her family, and I wanted nothing more than to be there for her, to support her through it. But I couldn't. I did my best, but at the end of the day, I was still married. She slept on friends sofas over Christmas and New Year. It killed me that she couldn't just stay at mine. I had told my husband about her, but only that she was a friend. He being the awesome guy that he is immediately said she could stay with us, but of course, that would have been too much for her and I. On several occasions, I tried to end it. I wanted to be there for her but whilst our relationship was so incomplete, I couldn't be everything I wanted to her. I thought if we were just friends I could be the best friend ever. I would do anything for her. She wouldn't have it though. She wouldn't be my friend. She said it would be too hard for her to see me living my happy life with my husband when she loved me so much. She said we could keep it as it was, or end it and cut all communication, have nothing to do with each other. I couldn't do that, I couldn't not have anything to do with her. I wanted to be there for her so much. We kept going. It was always more of an emotional affair rather than sexual. Yes, we had sex a few times, but it wasn't about that. She was far from the sort of girl I would usually be sexually attracted to her. This was something more. This was all new to me and I had no idea what I was doing, I was just taking it as it came. I was trapped by my feelings for this girl. She never forced me to do anything. She even tried to call it quits when we first got physical. I made some huge mistakes. I moaned about my husband to her. Yes, as I said, my marriage is great, but after 10 years with someone there is always something to moan about. I was always honest with her about my deepest feelings and I guess I implanted the idea of hope for her and I. Truth be told, I lead her on. I never intended to. It got too deep. Where are we now. She is back at uni, trying to move her life on since all the **** happened with her family. After 4/5 months of constant texting, phone calls and meeting whenever we could, we seem to have ended. I can’t believe all this happened. This is not me. I have never done this before. I am happily married, albeit, in a somewhat ‘open relationship’, but I do not have affairs. She thinks I played her. She thinks everything was always on my terms. She thinks I lied about my feelings for her. I never played her, I had no idea what I was doing! I suppose things were on my terms, but I was not happy about the situation, I wanted to be there for her so much more than I was. I never, ever lied to her. Why am I on here? I don’t know. I'm sure I will get ridiculed as just another adulteress, but I wanted to share my story. I wandered if anyone could help me keep this girl in my life. I can't be her partner, her lover, even though part of me really wants to be. But I want to be her friend. Sorry it’s so long. Thanks for reading. Edited February 10, 2014 by bangarang
Spotme Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Your affair is summed up neatly by the term cake-eater, you like the life you have but you liked having this extra relationship as well. There's also a whiff of knight in shining armor syndrome as well. I am not saying that to insult or ridicule, just identifying where you are. Now, your main concern seems to be maintaining your situation. Gently, if you really do care about this woman, you will let her go. She was clear from the beginning that she wanted more than you were or are prepared to give. Now she is telling you it has to end because she wants more than you are prepared to give. Let her go. Let her find happiness with someone free to be with her. She can't heal if you are hanging on under the guise of friendship. What you think you can give her is far outweighed by the pain you will cause her. You also talk about your great husband and marriage but ignore the damage you are doing to him and to the relationship day after day with your behavior. It's time to do what is best for him as well. Give him the the honesty he deserves. Everyone deserves to know the truth of their life. Throughout this affair you have done what you wanted without regard to your husband's or the OW's feelings (and not taking responsibility for that). It's time to start thinking about someone else.
aliveagain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Tell your husband the truth, the longer you wait the greater the damage. This is a relationship ending secret if he finds out about on his own or through one of her angry family members. Don't plan on having children until you deal with this. Have you been tested for STD's? A relationship and sex with someone that isn't your husband is infidelity, you can't build a marriage on lies.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Your husband gave you the permission to explore your sexuality as you have said with threesomes and foursomes and is very open minded but for some reason you took advantage of that now you have made a mess of things. Granted, it wasn't a one sided thing since he also joined in but IMO you have taken it to an affair and totally disrespected your husband. What I see is someone who is selfish and only thinks of herself and now your on the verge of ruining your marriage. Maybe it would be a good idea to stop thinking only about yourself and think about your husband. He gives you an inch and you take a mile. How about giving a little rather than just taking. if you love your husband, how about playing fair. Would you like it if he did that to you? It's not a matter if he finds out but when. Then what? Do you think he's going to be as open minded? I doubt it since he will not be able to trust you since your can control your urges and that's your fault.
Author bangarang Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Thank you for your responses. It seems you have all concentrated on how I have treated my husband. I purposely did not talk much about him as I wanted the thread more to be about my relationship with the OW and if it would ever be possible for a friendship to survive. Both my husband and I are bi. We understand each other. We know how deep our connection is and how much we love each other. We allow each other to have sexual relationships with other people of the same sex (only with members of the opposite sex if it is a threesome/foursome). I know my relationship with the OW went further and I know I did wrong. I can tell my husband everything and he will understand. What is killing me is knowing that the OW is hurting and knowing I should walk away. But I really cant bear the thought of not knowing her, not knowing if she is okay or not. I know I am being extremely selfish and the best thing I can do is walk. I feel like I'm grieving for her.
Author bangarang Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Yes, you have a problem to solve with the OW. This has nothing to do with your H. This could EASILY have happened with or without the PA. You need to say goodbye to your friend in a beautiful way. You can tell her that you will be thrilled to be kept up to date about her progress. But you respect her need to stop the PA and the EA because it has no future. If she cannot handle any further contact with you, for now, fine. This is no different than a young couple who break up and one wants to remain friends. A true and lasting friendship MIGHT come down the road. Surely you can wait for that, she needs you to. When she is ready, she will probably contact you again. Thank you so much for this. I need to apologise to her but I have said 'sorry' to her so many times it is like the word has lost all value. Again, this is just me being selfish, I want her friendship, but I need her forgiveness. How do I apologise to her? How can if fix what I have done to her? I was so stupid. I didn't think of the consequences because this has never happened before. I didn't know I was capable of loving anyone other than my husband. I am solely the person in the wrong and there are so many people on this site whose lives have been ruined by people like me. I hate myself. And I hate myself even more for feeling so sorry for myself.
Spotme Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Thank you for your responses. It seems you have all concentrated on how I have treated my husband. I purposely did not talk much about him as I wanted the thread more to be about my relationship with the OW and if it would ever be possible for a friendship to survive. Both my husband and I are bi. We understand each other. We know how deep our connection is and how much we love each other. We allow each other to have sexual relationships with other people of the same sex (only with members of the opposite sex if it is a threesome/foursome). I know my relationship with the OW went further and I know I did wrong. I can tell my husband everything and he will understand. What is killing me is knowing that the OW is hurting and knowing I should walk away. But I really cant bear the thought of not knowing her, not knowing if she is okay or not. I know I am being extremely selfish and the best thing I can do is walk. I feel like I'm grieving for her. I thought I did address the issue with the OW. You indicated in your post that you wanted to know if someone could help you keep her as a friend. I responded that you need to let her go if you are really interested in what's best for her. More importantly, it seems like she is telling you that. Listen to her. Yes, it is hurting you and will continue to for awhile. Well, there's no way around that now. You can't go around it, you have to go through it. The alternative is more lies and manipulation that won't do any of you any good. There is no strategy that let's her heal and develop new, appropriate relationships and you to get honest with your H while you cling to the feel-good hormones through "friendship." As for why we focused on the husband when you didn't, there are a few reasons. One, you didn't focus on him. Your intention may have been different, but for the BS on this forum, it's a big red flag that your focus is not on your relationship with him the way it should be if you want it to survive. Two, many of us have been very hurt by the very situation you have put him in, so even though you do not come across as concerned about him, we are concerned about him. Three, your whole post and subsequent response, while paying lip service to the OW and not wanting to hurt her, very much come across like it's really about you not wanting to have to feel bad, either by losing her or because you will be seen as the bad guy. Maybe that's not true, but that's how it is coming across. Finally, we wouldn't have focused on your H if you had said he knew and was fine with it, but telling us after the fact that you are sure he would be fine with it if told just raises two more red flags. First, him being fine with an agreement allowing you to have sex with others is not at all the same with him being ok with you falling in love with someone else. Second, if he would be fine with it, why haven't you been honest with him?
Author bangarang Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I thought I did address the issue with the OW. You indicated in your post that you wanted to know if someone could help you keep her as a friend. I responded that you need to let her go if you are really interested in what's best for her. More importantly, it seems like she is telling you that. Listen to her. Yes, it is hurting you and will continue to for awhile. Well, there's no way around that now. You can't go around it, you have to go through it. The alternative is more lies and manipulation that won't do any of you any good. There is no strategy that let's her heal and develop new, appropriate relationships and you to get honest with your H while you cling to the feel-good hormones through "friendship." As for why we focused on the husband when you didn't, there are a few reasons. One, you didn't focus on him. Your intention may have been different, but for the BS on this forum, it's a big red flag that your focus is not on your relationship with him the way it should be if you want it to survive. Two, many of us have been very hurt by the very situation you have put him in, so even though you do not come across as concerned about him, we are concerned about him. Three, your whole post and subsequent response, while paying lip service to the OW and not wanting to hurt her, very much come across like it's really about you not wanting to have to feel bad, either by losing her or because you will be seen as the bad guy. Maybe that's not true, but that's how it is coming across. Finally, we wouldn't have focused on your H if you had said he knew and was fine with it, but telling us after the fact that you are sure he would be fine with it if told just raises two more red flags. First, him being fine with an agreement allowing you to have sex with others is not at all the same with him being ok with you falling in love with someone else. Second, if he would be fine with it, why haven't you been honest with him? You are totally right. That is the problem. Even though on the surface I am talking about wanting to help her, be her friend etc, really I just want to be forgiven so I don't feel so bad. I do not want to be the bad guy. But how can I possible feel any different? It is killing me that I have hurt her. Again, you are right. My husband would not be okay with me having a relationship with someone that was more than just sex. But as I said, this has never happened before, and it was never my intention. My husband only recently came out as bi to me. The whole 'open relationship' thing is somewhat new to us and we are having more discussions about it every day and we feel stronger than ever.
twosadthings Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I can say that I'll never be able to appreciate the rightness(?) of an open marriage situation and I think you're fooling yourself that your marriage is getting stronger. Your opening post disproved that statement. I'm not in any position to tell you to close your relationship but you should be prepared to have this happen again if not with someone you have sex with but with someone of his choice. Just sayin', Twosadthings
thummper Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Your husband ok with you having sex with women? My guess is he hasn't got a clue what you've been doing. I predict bad times ahead!
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I've been reading through posts on here and keep seeing, 'if you had an affair you're marriage must have been troubled', but I can promise that my marriage is amazing. Then there is something broken inside of you. Fix that and be totally honest and up front with your husband.
pteromom Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This is a risk of open relationships. There have to be very strong boundaries and rules in place, and each partner must have the integrity and strength of character to abide by them, even when everything in their heart or loins is screaming to do something else. You need to really reflect on your part of this, where your mistakes were, and how to avoid it happening again. I don't always agree with disclosing to your partner, but in this case, I believe it would be a good idea. He can learn from this situation as much as you can. As far as your OW, you need to let her go. She is hurting and needs to heal, and she can't do that being your friend. There's no "bad guy" here, so you don't need to apply that label to yourself. This was two people who found a connection and couldn't take it to the next level. Eventually, when she's in a new relationship or her feelings for you have faded, she may come back to you as a friend. Just keep that door open, and work on yourself and your marriage. 1
kalimata Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Wow - I don't know what to say. Since both you and your husband are Bisexual, it may seem natural to think that having sex with other people would be fine. I can tell you however that in the long run having sex or an emotional connection to someone else who is NOT your spouse is not healthy. Sure fire way to destroy your relationship. End things with your Lesbian GF. Block her number, change your emails, change your phone #. Tell your husband the truth. He deserves to know.
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Sorry but if you cannot be honest with your husband then your marriage is doomed. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he was leading a secret life with someone else and played it off as just a friend?
Recommended Posts