rumbleseat Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Something has me very confused, and I'm looking for input to make things more clear. I know that in most A's plenty of lies are told, inspite of the fact that that many ow/om will insist otherwise. Speaking only for my own culture (North America) A's have become such common fodder for mass media consumption, from soap operas to mainstream, television and network news, that the basic dynamics of them are fairly well known by just about everyone. It's common knowledge that most mm or mw at best , stretch the truth, or, at worst tell incredible lies to both their bs an ap. If you were a bs, did your spouse lie about your marriage to their ap? If so, do you know if the truth eventually came out? What lies were told? If you are an om/ow, were you lied to about your ap's m or were they truthful? How do you know? Years ago, when my ws cheated, he skirted the issue by not really talking about our marriage at all. Though she knew he was married, he rarely mentioned us at all. Before the affair started, she and I had been on friendly terms, and I think he saw little point in lying to her, as she knew what I was like anyway. From my point of view, so long as the truth that a person is m. rest of the lies don't matter.
Realist3 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 In the beginning we talked about our marriages a little bit; enough to know what the deal was in each other's situation. Since then our marriages are rarely mentioned. I never lied to her about it, and I had no reason to believe she was lying to me. What would be the purpose? We have quite a few common friends and over the years I would hear comments from some of them expressing their observations about their M and they were consistent with what she had told me. As I mentioned previously our M's just aren't something we talk about.
Spotme Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I could have written the exact same description as you did of the situation. She was pretending to be my friend before she 'had' to confess her love to my H. She had socialized with us often, so after her little declaration he just tried to put an end to socializing and just not mention me at all. He would try to be vague when talking about our family activities so that she could imagine it was all things he did alone with our daughter, when in reality, he would have had no family fun to talk about if I hadn't been the planner/executor, since he became withdrawn, hostile, and passive-aggressive as the affair progressed. 2
cocorico Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 If you are an om/ow, were you lied to about your ap's m or were they truthful? How do you know? No, he did not lie to me. He genuinely believed at the time that his M was "normal", and that everyone else's M was likely just as bad behind closed doors. He just supposed that that was how people treated people they claimed to love. He did not say much about his M at all, but if I asked, he replied honestly. It was completely consistent with what I heard from everyone else, especially his family and close friends who had known him (and her) over the decades. And is inch we've been living together, everything just confirms the picture I was given.
excusememister Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My WS told the OW that "his marriage was bad; that we hardly ever spoke; we slept in separate bedrooms; that he had accepted this as his way of life". He admitted in MC that he told OW this, only to manipulate her
painfullyobvious Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Yes my ex lied to the affair partner. We were supposedly separating soon, we're having problems and I was emotionally abusive. I am as laid back as they get and my ex was more of a manipulator than I ever was. We hardly ever fought until dday or shortly before I discovered her affair. If they lied with you they probably lied with AP. My ex played quite the little distressed victim needing rescuing from her affair partner. 2
yellowmaverick Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Yes, my WH lied to her. He told her when he met her that we were separated, but that he had "moved back in". We were not separated. In any event, she knew that he was living with his family - AS PART OF THE FAMILY - before she paid for the first plane ticket to come screw him. I don't know what other lies he told her, but she clearly knew that I did not know about the affair and that we lived as a family - there were never texts or phone calls on holidays, weekends (unless I was working or he was out of town at a soccer tournament for one of our children), or weeknights until after midnight when everyone else was asleep. She never called our landline until after d-day when she was stalking me. Clearly, they had an understanding as to when she could call him and when he was "available". Most of the communication took place at work and during the commute home from work. She lied to him as well. After d-day, I discovered that her first-born child was illegitimate - another MM, if I had to guess. She didn't tell him because she did not want him to think that she was "that kind of woman". [Well, duh!! Of course he already thought that she was "that kind of woman". She was flying across the country to have sex with a married man who never gave her anything in return]. It's easy to build yourself up as someone you are not when you don't have a real relationship and don't see each other on a regular basis. You can invent yourself to be anyone you chose to be.
Sub Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My WW admitted that is was mostly lying to the OM by omission about our relationship. She included the bad stuff, and figured what was the point to include the good things. The only time she would speak positively of me was when he started to slag me as a father, which I think started to wear on her. One odd thing she did with the OM in the initial stages of R: She lied and told him that we had actually separated, in an attempt to find out his true feelings for her. She was definitely out of her gourd with her logic, but was grasping at straws to assure herself that he was actually offering something real to replace her family, home and lifestyle.
RightThere Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My STBXW told people that our marriage was over, had been over for a while, blah blah blah. Problem was she forgot to tell me that. She never denied being married to anyone. Just managed to tell people how awful it was. 2
katielee Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 a WS will say something negative about the marriage to encourage, so to speak, the AP to bond. ! yeah, my husband did this, told her I had had an affair, which is the truth but was used for this purpose and for her to feel sorry for him. The kicker - the OW told me this, not him. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I think they want to believe the lies, whether told, projected or assumed, period. I don't think it matters what is said, not said, omitted, because the communication can be so obscure as to mean ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING the APs want it to mean. We see it here all the time:WS MUST be unhappy, unloved, neglected because....they are having an affair. Little complaints take on huge meanings; a venting garners sympathy. Like I have always stated: IF she wanted to know the truth of our marriage, I was ONLY EVER ONE phone call away. But truth would have burst the affair bubble. Who REALLY wants that? Not the APs. 1
Furious Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Something has me very confused, and I'm looking for input to make things more clear. I know that in most A's plenty of lies are told, inspite of the fact that that many ow/om will insist otherwise. Speaking only for my own culture (North America) A's have become such common fodder for mass media consumption, from soap operas to mainstream, television and network news, that the basic dynamics of them are fairly well known by just about everyone. It's common knowledge that most mm or mw at best , stretch the truth, or, at worst tell incredible lies to both their bs an ap. If you were a bs, did your spouse lie about your marriage to their ap? If so, do you know if the truth eventually came out? What lies were told? If you are an om/ow, were you lied to about your ap's m or were they truthful? How do you know? Years ago, when my ws cheated, he skirted the issue by not really talking about our marriage at all. Though she knew he was married, he rarely mentioned us at all. Before the affair started, she and I had been on friendly terms, and I think he saw little point in lying to her, as she knew what I was like anyway. From my point of view, so long as the truth that a person is m. rest of the lies don't matter. Lies are subjective in an affair , that is fundamentally built on the foundation of deceit , that an affair is built on the agreement between the affair partners that the betrayed spouse must be lied to in order for the affair to exist. It's mind boggling that the key ingredient for all affairs is secrecy and the ability to embrace deceit. Ironically, many affair partners are devastated to discover they've been lied to or deceived by their affair partner, whether it was future faking, lies by omission, or the true status of their affair partner's marriage. In my situation I had hired a PI and discovered more than my husband knew about the married other woman. Strange, that the truth and red flags were there for both of them but they ignored it. In a sense, they wanted to see and believe what they wanted to believe and became what they both thought they had to be for the affair to be justified. Affairs, are the Wild West of lying, whether by omission, future faking, or outright deceit, the main ingredient is ensuring the betrayed spouse has no voice, vote, or choice to be informed of a triangle they do not know exists. I've said it before, and will say it again, that for a betrayed spouse it's the lies and being lied to and being lied about is what is most hurtful and devastating, but that's how the game of affairs operate. A stacked game of two on one....two who are good with deceit and the third who is unknowingly the third wheel in a game they did not sign up for. After d-day, it's a gigantic effort to sift through the debris of lies. For everyone, the affair partners and betrayed spouse it's a difficult and agonizing chore to sort through the fine line between truth and lies. Edited February 13, 2014 by Furious 1
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I use this example often: She asked him if we were still having sex after they became sexual. he told her rarely to never. (Twice a week, at least.) She was sooooo disappointed. So to keep the flattery a'coming, he told her we had stopped. She then suggests to him that I, too, must have a BF on the side. He starts to believe it and grows angrier and more critical of me. IF that isn't the height of DELUSIONAL thinking and fantasy PROJECTION, I cannot fathom what would be..... 1
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