HazyDays Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hello all, I’m hoping to gain some advice if possible, as I’m feeling a little lost. 7 months ago a family friend set me up with a lovely guy and we’ve now been dating for 7 months. In general I’m happy. We have a lot of shared interests, we get on well and we’re both easy going people. However, I’ve never felt any physical attraction towards him and if I’m honest I’m not in love with him, nor am feeling that love is developing from my side, and I’m feeling a real sense of guilt around this as I know I’m letting him down. First it may help to offer a little bit of background: 4 months prior to meeting my current boyfriend I had come out of a very painful relationship. I had been completely in love with this man, I remember the moment I met him, I turned to my friend and said “he’s the man for me”. We were best friends, had a real passionate love for each other. He had a child from his previous marriage but I adored her and together we built a strong, happy relationship. But I found that that he had cheated on me with his ex-wife and found this out when she’d emailed me happily spilling all the details. Upon quizzing her I had found out that it was a one off thing that happened, because in her words “she was horny and when he popped round to drop off some clothing of his daughters, she saw her chance”. I was completely heartbroken, especially as this was the second time I had been cheated on in a relationship, so I already had a few issues with trust. I just couldn’t understand how someone you love and would do anything for could cause you so much pain. So I guess when I was introduced to the my current boyfriend I saw a kind, caring thoughtful person, who would take care of me. (he had been cheated on in the past, so had very strong views on it) And in the 7 months we’ve been together he’s done just that and has been a very kind and caring boyfriend. But I’m starting to see that he’s acting as a father figure to me, which I first I thought would be a good thing as I have a very loving father who has always been there for me, so it couldn’t be a bad thing to have a man with similar qualities in a relationship right? But the problem I’m facing is that we have absolutely no connection or passion. Maybe this is because I see him as a father figure, not a lover. When we do make love (and that’s rarely) there’s just nothing between us. I’ve tried to see past this because he’s such an amazing person who I do care for. But can you settle down with someone when you lack that connection or attraction to each other? Feeling very confused right now!
Philosoraptor Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 A good rule of thumb is to follow your heart when things are rolling along well, and follow your head when you have a decision to make. You already know the answer here. You feel like you are settling, and you are. You want to feel passion for the man you are with, and you just don't feel it here. If you take your time and wait for the right person, you can find a guy who treats you the same way but doesn't have that father figure/lack of passion to him. 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hello all, I’m hoping to gain some advice if possible, as I’m feeling a little lost. 7 months ago a family friend set me up with a lovely guy and we’ve now been dating for 7 months. In general I’m happy. We have a lot of shared interests, we get on well and we’re both easy going people. However, I’ve never felt any physical attraction towards him and if I’m honest I’m not in love with him, nor am feeling that love is developing from my side, and I’m feeling a real sense of guilt around this as I know I’m letting him down. First it may help to offer a little bit of background: 4 months prior to meeting my current boyfriend I had come out of a very painful relationship. I had been completely in love with this man, I remember the moment I met him, I turned to my friend and said “he’s the man for me”. We were best friends, had a real passionate love for each other. He had a child from his previous marriage but I adored her and together we built a strong, happy relationship. But I found that that he had cheated on me with his ex-wife and found this out when she’d emailed me happily spilling all the details. Upon quizzing her I had found out that it was a one off thing that happened, because in her words “she was horny and when he popped round to drop off some clothing of his daughters, she saw her chance”. I was completely heartbroken, especially as this was the second time I had been cheated on in a relationship, so I already had a few issues with trust. I just couldn’t understand how someone you love and would do anything for could cause you so much pain. So I guess when I was introduced to the my current boyfriend I saw a kind, caring thoughtful person, who would take care of me. (he had been cheated on in the past, so had very strong views on it) And in the 7 months we’ve been together he’s done just that and has been a very kind and caring boyfriend. But I’m starting to see that he’s acting as a father figure to me, which I first I thought would be a good thing as I have a very loving father who has always been there for me, so it couldn’t be a bad thing to have a man with similar qualities in a relationship right? But the problem I’m facing is that we have absolutely no connection or passion. Maybe this is because I see him as a father figure, not a lover. When we do make love (and that’s rarely) there’s just nothing between us. I’ve tried to see past this because he’s such an amazing person who I do care for. But can you settle down with someone when you lack that connection or attraction to each other? Feeling very confused right now! If you were a separate person reading this, what would YOU advise the OP to do? Because seriously, I would never personally settle for staying with a guy I could relate to 'as a father-figure'. Much less have sex with him. I'm sorry, you need to end this. He may be a great friend - but husband material? he ain't. 2
TheGuard13 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Your heart pumps blood. Your head thinks for you. I find "I'm torn between my heart and my head" to be a silly phrase. What people generally mean is "I can't decide whether to be rational or irrational". 1
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 If you have no connection or passion, there is your answer. This relationship is over. Let it & him go.
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