VeronicaRoss Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I think the important lesson here is that he is telling you what HE needs from you and you are here asking people if you should give him what he wants. That's really missing the point of being a respectful and loving partner.
Silly_Girl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 That's really missing the point of being a respectful and loving partner. I feel that could be levelled at him.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I think the important lesson here is that he is telling you what HE needs from you and you are here asking people if you should give him what he wants. Is he? He's told her not to tell him she's not gonna finish, but hasn't really given her any alternative that he approves of. If he said 'baby it kills the mood when you tell me you're not gonna come, but if you're happy for me to finish without you you can *do this/say this*' then that's great. But he hasn't, unless I've missed something. So I understand her confusion. Otherwise they're gonna be at a stalemate basically where he's trying to make her finish, she isn't going to, neither is communicating. So you need some way of you letting him know you want him to go ahead and come, essentially. Have you asked him how he wants to hear that? 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Yeah he's right, a little. Us guys take GREAT pride and satisfaction to get our girl to get an orgasm, so if you say it with a straight face that you're expecting a bad time in bed, it RUINS everything. Try to talk to him any OTHER time than during, and tell him how you like to be pleasured. The problem is with a lot of guys is...they're taking PRIDE in something they're not even very good at in the first place! But still, it's her body..she can say if she doesn't feel like cumming or can't...whether it's his "ability" or not. And this is directed to "men" in a general sense.. Maybe you're just average in the sack, maybe you don't rock her world to the fullest or the best lover she's ever been with, boo hoo, bleeding hearts, go sit in a corner and cry about it...yet she's obviously still making "love" to you or giving it up so she wants to be with you in some capacity, at least have/maintain a relationship for bob knows why, most of these damn relationships seem pretty retarded if you ask me, it's all childish and immature like, nobody freaking communicating and what's the point anyway, nobody wants to hear the truth...and yet, you want to take it a step further and be "rewarded" because of your fragile pride/ego. I'd have no problems being told this in bed, I'm confident in myself, I'm fine...i don't need "validation", I'm not a 20 year old kid getting his licks in and building up his macho-pornstar persona who thinks doing all these crazy moves/backflips or whatever imagine or idea you have in your head is going to have women cumming all over your face all day. Most men are so naive and gullible it just makes you look dumb and women play with your mind because you're so damn clueless and when they're honest with you it's like they're putting a watermelon up your butt and you just cry about it. Any experienced man knows women vary wildly in their sexual appetite, bodily functions/needs, they're not all built like Japanese cars in a factory with serial and model numbers, you've got to adjust, listen and be attentive to even start to learn in the first place and therefore every woman's ability or inability to cum is NOT a shadow cast on your identity and if it is, ohhhhhh well! take it like a man instead of be of being a cry-baby, and then maybe you can actually learn the woman you are being intimate and *gasp* improve your skills because that skills you developed that worked on your highschool GF who ALWAAAAYS CAME EASILY and everyone else thereafter because you were just so damn sexy and good at what you're doing, yeah she's totally not faking it or like that with every guy, it's totally your magic ding dong! ...that kind of thought process makes you look small, it makes you look to weak to hear the truth anyway and therefore how could you never be told to improve if you weren't the greatest because you're so....sensitive. I'm so tired of so many guys thinking they're the big kahuna and having to be validated for their "skills", tell them the truth ladies pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease so they can actually paint a realistic picture so they don't put every girl through this! do it for meeee! tell them what's real and fake, and if you're already real then tell them to stfu and take it like a man and stop being a pussy, it's your body. They need to get over it, get a clue and just come to a nice little compromise of some little safe code word when Penelope the vagina is not going to french kiss Mr. Winky. If they can't reach a compromise and they can't take it, then they should expect to be lied to like the droves of women who do to so many men who are "surprised" when one girl doesn't work the same EXACT way, I mean who would have thought *doink on the head* Just keep it real! Edited February 12, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I obviously have a mental block with this. I don't see how it works. If nothing is said between them but he's trying to achieve her climax, what happens? Awkward? If nothing is said between them and he doesn't care whether she climaxes or not, what happens? They carry on but he's the only one who gets a happy ending? What other options are there? True, and to note: by nothing, I never once implied that she should stay completely silent. .....I'm trying to stay as honest as possible here. With this. No faking or lying about an orgasm. Boy, it is hard. He'd be upset otherwise or maybe by how she phrases this. Across the universe has said it well, something I wish I thought of. She wants to feel him cum. Least this way, she won't have to tell him she's cumming....unless he's asking during sex. See, that there is the problem. The root, he is probably asking during sex or she just bluntly tells him she won't, right? In the end, it is a pride issue, sure. His fault, sure. And hers. Her way of wording it, if she even needs to word it. Evenso, both sexes desire to make one another reach that nirvana, and cum, so some unhappiness might be expected. Most guys aren't going to see it, as otherwise. Pride, yes, but shared. Across is right, you are not wrong either. To clear myself up: I am taking the honest route, with no faking or lying. Whilst trying to resolve the root. Doesn't seem easy. Certainly, I do not expect them to be quiet, lol, but a work around, she doesn't have to say she's cumming. He shouldn't be so sensitive either. One cannot always expect their partner to cum, lol, so yeah.
Got it Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 This is a head scratcher for me as saying has been seen as a positive not a negative. It gives direction on where things were going. I think far worse is faking it or letting the guy pull out all the tools from his toolbox for something that was never going to happen. It really isn't a big deal if it is in the minority. Women know that some times it just doesn't happen no matter how talented the guy is. And what gets forgotten/minimized is that a woman can greatly enjoy the session even without the orgasm. While that is lovely it isn't the only pleasure moment. 4
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Ninjainpamas - issues, much? I think it's a passion killer. He thinks it's a passion killer. Arguing the point will not change that. So persisting is ... Also disrespectful. I think whoever posted this had it right "To suddenly tell him in the middle of a love-making session that - essentially - "You're not doing it for me this time," (which is what he's hearing) is probably the biggest wilt-maker there could be. ""
soccerrprp Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 OP, Why do you tell that in the middle? I know that my gf has a difficult time having an orgasm during sex. Even during long sessions, she has a tough time b/c she's still trying to get over her insecurities about her body, etc. I know this and know that I will need to do something else to help her along. But that is if her goal is to have an orgasm. My gf loves it when I climax, which is not always, but she loves the closeness, the emotions, that come with it and doesn't always need to have an orgasm. I am still on a mission to give her as many as I can, but I also don't have the pressure b/c I fully understand her needs. Again, why do you tell him that in the middle of sex? Is it b/c you are tired, etc. and want to stop or you feel you are sparing your bf the time and energy if it's not going to happen?
MidwestUSA Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Soccer: when would you suggest telling? I think the idea is to 'tell' (if you're gonna) as soon as you know it's not going to happen (for whatever reason).Yes, to spare our men the energy, and let him move on to his. I can't recall an instance where I went in knowing I wouldn't orgasm, and told him up front. Taking one for the team, LOL! No, I always have high hopes! 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) It's not to spare him. He finds it unpleasant to be jolted out of whatever groove he is in by this. It's not to spare him. How about "No point putting on makeup. You're not going to look good in that" just as you are going out. If you don't get this point you are blind. It's not for him, it ruins it for him, so yes you have a right to say it just like I have a right to say "I don't mind that you look fat in that" ... But why should you think when he has made it clear this ruins it, it is still any kind of a good idea? How about, we are mid act, you are getting close and I say something that ruins it for you " hey, about rearranging that family lunch with your mother ... Which weekend shall we move it to? And I'm wondering what I do about the leaky drain."? Blind. Edited February 14, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy
Els Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I think we're all still assuming that the OP's partner wants her to come first and is delaying his orgasm til she does - but that is not necessarily the case. In fact, I'm guessing it isn't, because if it is, he's being very illogical by not wanting to be informed. OP needs to clarify this. 2
Silly_Girl Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I have a big issue with 'she says 'it's not going to happen for me today'' translating in to 'he hears 'you're crap in bed'/'you don't do it for me''. He needs to be more mature on that score. It's not personal and him taking it as such is unhelpful and unfair. 2
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) "he's being very illogical by not wanting to be informed." Bet you're hot in bed.........Spock. Sex, as we know, is all about logic. "It not personal". No of course not. Me pointing out I find you are fat / old. / ugly / unamusing / unsexy in a way you have told me you hate, is just not personal. It is illogical not to want to know all these things. Particularly when you are telling a joke, or feeling good about your body, or dressing young, or putting on makeup .... Because that's when it suits me to say it so that's when you should want to know. It's for you! Why are you being so childish and objecting? That's just your ego getting in the way. Blind.<shakes head> Edited February 14, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy
Silly_Girl Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How on earth is 'honey, I'm just not going to cum today, I've missed it/gone past it/whatever, but am enjoying this, let's carry on' the same as 'you're fat and don't turn me on'? I think this might be touching a nerve for you, TFG. 4
MidwestUSA Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 "he's being very illogical by not wanting to be informed." Bet you're hot in bed.........Spock. Sex, as we know, is all about logic. "It not personal". No of course not. Me pointing out I find you are fat / old. / ugly / unamusing / unsexy in a way you have told me you hate, is just not personal. It is illogical not to want to know all these things. Particularly when you are telling a joke, or feeling good about your body, or dressing young, or putting on makeup .... Because that's when it suits me to say it so that's when you should want to know. It's for you! Why are you being so childish and objecting? That's just your ego getting in the way. Blind.<shakes head> And you accuse Ninja of having issues? Anyway, since OP has started all of two threads on LS, one as a man and one as a woman, it's entirely possible this was started just to get an exchange of ideas going. Great job! 3
Els Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 "he's being very illogical by not wanting to be informed." Bet you're hot in bed.........Spock. Sex, as we know, is all about logic. "It not personal". No of course not. Me pointing out I find you are fat / old. / ugly / unamusing / unsexy in a way you have told me you hate, is just not personal. It is illogical not to want to know all these things. Particularly when you are telling a joke, or feeling good about your body, or dressing young, or putting on makeup .... Because that's when it suits me to say it so that's when you should want to know. It's for you! Why are you being so childish and objecting? That's just your ego getting in the way. Blind.<shakes head> Wait what? I think you missed my point entirely. Have you ever put your sole focus on bringing your partner to orgasm before? If you were doing so, would it be logical for you to want things to just keep going and going and going and going... or be told after some time that it might not happen today? You ever tried giving oral for an hour before? On the other hand, if the OP and her bf were just having standard intercourse where he'd cum when he reaches regardless of whether she Os or not, then it is understandable that he doesn't want to be told at the moment. But the chip on your shoulder is so large that you can't even see differing points of view for being blocked by it. 3
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) This is interesting. He says it kills his mood. You insist his feelings are wrong. Usually it's guys taking the other "logic" side on such an issue and women helpfully pointing out that no, feelings do matter too. Or that context is important when considering the impact of what you say. So, glad to return the favour. Edited February 14, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy
MidwestUSA Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 This is interesting. He says it kills his mood. You insist his feelings are wrong. Usually it's guys taking the other "logic" side on such an issue and women helpfully pointing out that no, feelings do matter too. Or that context is important when considering the impact of what you say. So, glad to return the favour. Give us one example of how to communicate that 'it ain't gonna happen'. Please. His mood's gonna be better if he goes another hour after she knew she wasn't going to cum? Tell us how YOU would like to find out. Tell us how YOUR wife has communicated this.
Els Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 You insist his feelings are wrong. Can you not read or are you just unwilling to?
soccerrprp Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Soccer: when would you suggest telling? I think the idea is to 'tell' (if you're gonna) as soon as you know it's not going to happen (for whatever reason).Yes, to spare our men the energy, and let him move on to his. I can't recall an instance where I went in knowing I wouldn't orgasm, and told him up front. Taking one for the team, LOL! No, I always have high hopes! Yes, I agree. Sparing your partner the energy and time is okay. I was simply asking the OP why SHE tells her bf in the middle of sex. It can be a damper, so what my gf and I do is have sex with the mission of satisfying each other. I usually climax and AFTER (and if she hasn't ) that it's all about helping her (going down on her or even using a vibrator. Frankly don't really care how she gets it as long as I help her do so). I am now completely committed to helping her climax until she tells me it's a no go. By then, I'm usually ready again and we continue until we're both satisfied. Also, it is a good idea if you (guys) encourage your gfs to rub herself while you're in her. That may help it along too. Whatever it takes! I know that too many guys are too "macho" and the like to admit that they're just not enough oftentimes. So, the vibrator and gf touching herself, thought very helpful, may be a little too deflating for some. Too bad, if so. It's all about making YOUR partner feel good in the end. I must emphasize just how important it is to communicate with your partner. Guys really do have too much pressure and if you know your gf, it makes the love-making SO MUCH more pleasurable and fulfilling. I know that my gf has problems climaxing. She always had. I don't feel that I need to every time we have sex and I know that she loves our sex w/o the orgasm. But, it won't stop me from dedicating time to only her and her needs. Edited February 14, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 "Tell us how YOU would like to find out" Not during the act. Why not another time? Come to that, why the insistence on saying it's to spare the guy, when the guy himself made it plain that's not the case? What's driving you here? I think it's the desire to be able to say "hurry up and finish willya?" Without getting the comeback for your poor manners. For that's what it is.
MidwestUSA Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Yes, I agree. Sparing your partner the energy and time is okay. I was simply asking the OP why SHE tells her bf in the middle of sex. It can be a damper, so what my gf and I do is have sex with the mission of satisfying each other. I usually climax and AFTER (and if she hasn't ) that it's all about helping her (going down on her or even using a vibrator. Frankly don't really care how she gets it as long as I help her do so). I am now completely committed to helping her climax until she tells me it's a no go. By then, I'm usually ready again and we continue until we're both satisfied. Ah, I follow you now. We always go in with 'me first' in mind (how selfish!). That's the way he wants it. Very rarely does he go first; he often takes a really long time, and the days of round two for him are rare. So if it's not happening for me, we move on. We're lucky to not have that damper problem; at this age we take what we can get and save it for the next day if it's not working! We are both orthopedic nightmares, so there's a lot of practicality involved. When I used the word SPARING, it was in reference to the physical aspect. Thanks for coming back!
soccerrprp Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 We're lucky to not have that damper problem; at this age we take what we can get and save it for the next day if it's not working! We are both orthopedic nightmares, so there's a lot of practicality involved. When I used the word SPARING, it was in reference to the physical aspect. I hear you! Don't know how old you both are, but keep up the SEX whenever, however you can! 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 "Tell us how YOU would like to find out" Not during the act. Why not another time? Come to that, why the insistence on saying it's to spare the guy, when the guy himself made it plain that's not the case? What's driving you here? I think it's the desire to be able to say "hurry up and finish willya?" Without getting the comeback for your poor manners. For that's what it is. I can assure you I have none of the problems of which you speak. Nothing we do is 'hurry up and finish'; our sessions are often ninety minutes, never less than an hour. You can see my post regarding our physical problems. My husband and I have the highest respect for each other, and neither of us has 'poor manners', LOL! I'm not really able to say 'gee, honey, I don't see an orgasm on next Tuesday's menu'. I don't know how the act is going to progress until I'm in it. But thanks for the input. I'm sorry your wife has treated you so poorly over the years.
thinkingofhim Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I "O" probably 99/100 times.. but if I can tell nothing's gonna happen, I really would rather not keep going on and on and on exhausting him and myself. Things start to get sore, you know? 1
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