jakeyjake Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hey guys I have a problem where I can't read my ex.. To cut a long story short, we were together for 1.5 years. It was both our first love. I was the dumper and the breakup was pretty ugly. We didn't talk for 3 months then a few texts started between us. 5 months after the breakup I made the mistake of apologizing for everything that went wrong and begged for her back. She thought about it for a week, then told me that although she still had some feelings for me, she couldn't see herself being in a relationship with me again. I was pretty upset and decided to go no contact to help me move on. I told her that it would be hard for me every time I see her out (we live real close to each other and have mutual friends) and she said she would do me a favour and not speak to me, maybe just a hello, to help me move on. But I have seen her 4 times since I went NC and each time she has came and had a 5 minute conversation with me. I probably am half to blame as I ask her questions and try to be nice, but in most cases it has been me that cut the convo short. She is really nice to me, smiles, and even acts slightly nervous. She even text me for my birthday 1 month after I initiated NC, and I didn't respond to the message. I have been a total of 2 months NC now (apart from talking to her when I run into her)... So I'm basically confused as to what she is feeling.. I do still think about her a lot and still want her back, but I am getting better each day accepting that it's over.. So do I keep NC and keep acting as though I am moving on? Or do I contact her to ask if we can hang as friends or something? I am so confused please help guys! I don't want to beg again and act all needy then get shut down again! But I don't want to let her go either!
pickflicker Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You're not going to get anywhere by mixing your signals. You want her back, but you maintain NC. You want her back, but you cut conversations short. No wonder the poor girl is confused. Piss or get off the pot. Tell her you want her back. You're the dumper, and your attempts to flip the dynamic have failed miserably. If she stalls, there's your answer. But stop faffing about.
Author jakeyjake Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I'm not sure if you read my post correctly, but I'm the one who is confused.. I told her I was going NC and she said she wansnt going to talk to me when she saw me out to help me move on.
Poppyolive Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 "You made the mistake" of apologizing and asking her back. Is it still a mistake? You have to try harder than that...going no contact for yourself is a good idea to respect her wishes of not wanting you back. As for her its her call weather she wants you back or not. What were your reasons for dumping her? What were your reasons for wanting her back? How heartfelt was your apology and how heartfelt were you asking her to be your girlfriend again? I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Lessons will be learned and I'm sure you will both heal from this and move on.
Author jakeyjake Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Thanks for your reply poppylove. The reason why I broke up with her was because I felt that the relationship was fizzling out, we started to fight a lot and it just wasn't healthy. But all this was caused by a selfish decision from me to go travelling Europe solo for 2 months. I had it planned when we first got together. She didn't want me to go... I regret doing it now.. I do really want her back as I miss her deeply. And all the fights were caused from my solo adventure. I made a very sincere heartfelt apology. I apologized and owned up to all my selfish decisions and told her how much I loved her. She said she can't be with me so that's why I went no contact to respect her wishes, and help myself move on.. I just feel that every time I see her she is happy to see me and that there is something still there between us.. I have worked out at the gym and have become a better person too. (She even told me that).. Should I wait another week and then ask her if we can be friends? Or keep no contact and leave it completely up to her? I know for a fact that she has a lot more respect for me since I apologized to her.. How long does it take for someone's love to come back? If at all?
AllTooWell Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I disagree with what was said above. If you told openly her you wanted her back and she took a week to think about it and declined, she doesn't want you back. Begging isn't attractive no matter who does it.. the dumper or the dumpee... I have a friend right now going through something similar - her bf of 4 years dumped her out of nowhere, she begged and was miserable for months, finally cut contact, and now he's textng her daily begging and irrational **** and she is disgusted by it. That being said, you know her better than us. Did you actually lay it all out there - look, I ****ed up, I wish I hadn't broken things off between us but since I did it has taught me that I really want you in my life. I know I have hurt the trust you have in me, but I want to show you that I'm serious and would do anything to earn your trust back - or did you half ass "hey babe I still have feelings for you, wanna get back together?" She isn't sending you mixed signals - you're just receiving something she isn't laying out there. She's trying to be friendly and probably doesn't realize it bothers you. If you think that you have genuinely made a sincere effort to win her back and she isn’t interested, you’ve gotta continue with NC and try and move on. 1
Author jakeyjake Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks for your reply no it wast a half hearted effort to get her back. It was from the heart and it was really deep. I hoes tilt owned up to everything wrong I did and told her I want to show her the love that she deserves. Another note, when I begged for her back it was 2 weeks before she went on a 4 week vacation with her girl friends. (She even texted me for my bday whilst she was on vacation).. Now she is back into working reality.. I feel his MIGHT have made an effect on her decision. We are also running into each oter ALOT, it's un-canny! Some of my friends say I should persue her more. It might be a case of "he has to do better/ more beggin than that if he wants me back".. I'm so confused.. Should I ask her for coffee as friends? Or if she REALLY does have deep enough feelings again will she make contact with me? Please help guys I can't go on like this! I appreciate all the replies!
d0cholliday Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks for your reply no it wast a half hearted effort to get her back. It was from the heart and it was really deep. I hoes tilt owned up to everything wrong I did and told her I want to show her the love that she deserves. Another note, when I begged for her back it was 2 weeks before she went on a 4 week vacation with her girl friends. (She even texted me for my bday whilst she was on vacation).. Now she is back into working reality.. I feel his MIGHT have made an effect on her decision. We are also running into each oter ALOT, it's un-canny! Some of my friends say I should persue her more. It might be a case of "he has to do better/ more beggin than that if he wants me back".. I'm so confused.. Should I ask her for coffee as friends? Or if she REALLY does have deep enough feelings again will she make contact with me? Please help guys I can't go on like this! I appreciate all the replies! You see I have the same constant doubt.... Also her girlfriends told me, just be around her, that resultet in sex and almost 3 weeks of NC, from both sides. So I was thinking maybe I should pursue her more, be persistent, hang around with her, try something, talk, kiss, sex again... But I didn't do that, I decided to distance myself as much as possible. Haven't seen her for 3,5 weeks. I broke NC, and I finally now at what place I am. It is very hard for me to have these doubts, what if kinda thing.... If I don't pursue her, will she be gone forever? What if it is that what she wants? On the other hand, what If I push her away with pursuing, I don't mean begging, but to be by her side and constantly remind her how great I am... Very hard thing to do that, and to cope with it. And also the most risky one, cause you can crack as I did really fast, but then you get better. I've decided to be around, but not contacting her first, if she contacts me I will consider responding, that's it, but you can always try NC, and see what happens. They say exes come back after 6 months usually and maybe even more. I think you need to decide do you want her back? If you do want her back, like I want my ex to come back, prepare yourself for much pain and hurt, and hope you will gain something good, you will, we all will gain something, maybe a reconciliation or we will move on and be happy, but it is the process which last a long time I guess. I gave up on my ex, and I pretty much I live day by day, doing my usual stuff, my work, gym etc. If we make up in the process good, if we don't well that's how it suppose to be. One advice I can give you, is to not show emotions in this process, keep your cool, live on with your life, time will show. Just don't be too available to her. You need to gain more power, more controle. NC will help you at somepoint, and good thing is that you can always go NC no matter what and eventually you'll heal completly, but it depends how much can you take by doing the things you currently do, hang around with her and stuff. Regarding doubts, thats messed up, I know, cause I have them daily, still after 3 months. Plus Ex isn't making it any easier. I noticed a pattern, that whenever I go NC, and not contact her, usaully she sends me some stupid message, friendly type of message. So don't initiate contact first, untill you are ready, if she contacts you, you have 2 options, no answer, or answer and be cold, indifferent, not interested. Decide what's best option for you, as each of us is an individual, and people differ one from another.
StGeorge22 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I guess it just depends on whether you think breaking NC will put you back to square one. You said you are doing better each day, breaking NC and getting rejected (I'm not saying you def will but it's obviously a possibility) could set you back. I think it just comes down to how much time you are willing to put into this girl. The hard reality is that she rejected you once, do you think anything would have changed for her to not reject you again? That's what I would be asking myself. If it's something you really want, you aren't in the worst position given it is still on reasonable terms, so one last crack (going slowly, don't just be like hey how are you I still love you etc) may be worth it. But if it's still a no after that, time to move on. Good luck mate
Author jakeyjake Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Hey everyone.. Long story short I was the dumper, went begging back after 4 months to no avail, now have been 2 months NC(through phone,fb etc).. But I keep bumping into her a few times a week. When we see each other we have been having a 5-10 minute chat.. And every time this happens it puts me back to square one... And I can't handle it anymore. It gives me false hope that she is becoming interested again and send me into a vicious cycle of over analyzing and thinking. It has got to the point where it is so emotionally draining on my I have just started receiving counseling and anti depressant medication. It has become a bad obsession over her.. So, in order to move on with my life, I feel as though I need to contact her and tell her that she cannot talk to me as I need to move on.. Is this a bad idea? As then she will know I am still hung up on her? But I seriously need to move the eff on. I can't keep living with false hope and wasting my life with anxiety and depression. So should I tell her? Or should I just keep no contact but then when I see her just don't talk to her at all? Please help as I am at breaking point..
BC1980 Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 How do you keep bumping into her? Do you go to school together? I would first suggest that you find a way to avoid crossing paths with her in person. I wouldn't suggest that you contact her to tell her not to talk to you. Most people on LS (and I agree) don't advocate actually telling someone you are doing NC. There are several problems with that, not the least being that it opens up the lines of communication again, which is a slippery slope. Any type of contact has the potential to set you back because you can't handle it at this point.
d0cholliday Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 Just say Hi, and go on with your buisness, you don't have time, you are in a hurry.
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