LillyP Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sincere, straight forward question for the men. I used to be a bigger girl. Pretty face. Smart, funny, confident. When I was heavy, I dated a thinner man for about a year and a half. I suspect that one of the main reasons he broke up with me because he wanted someone in shape. He is way too sweet to mention my weight as a reason. In the past when I was thin, I too dated men and left them for someone I found more attractive physically. So I get it. No judgement. I have changed my lifestyle because it was time to do it, and am losing tons of weight. Now I wonder if he will want me back. I don't care how shallow it sounds. Guys? Don't hold back...should I get in touch with him and talk to him about it? I still like him, what are my chances?
soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 1. If he's not involved with someone else, go for it. 2. You say one of the reasons, but there are other possible reasons why he broke up, right? 3. Now that you're a new, fitter woman, do you think he's worth your time? Why not date and move beyond your ex?
Leigh 87 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I think if he was totally head over heels in love with you and you were "the one" for him, he would have urged you to lose the weight in the nicest possibly fashion, yet stayed with you anyway. Find a guy who will still be crazy about you if you gain a few extra pounds. They don't have to prefer a chubbier version of you, but it they were NUTS about you they would have tried to have a frank discussion with you and explained that they were not as attracted to you sexually the heavier you got; they would explain that they are still too in love with you to leave though, but it was imply the lust that diminished with additional weight gain. 2
kaylan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 ^Fairy tale. Lack of attraction kills relationships. Sometimes you can love someone and still not want to be with them romantically anymore. 4
Elias33 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Just go for it. Rejection is always a possibility, risks will be always there. But that's better than not living life.
kaylan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 OP, I think you should just let the past be and find a new guy instead of going back somewhere you werent wanted. Good luck. 1
Zeroes Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Firstly, well done on taking the initiative to lose weight. I appreciate that it can be a real struggle and is a test of brutal willpower more than anything else, and I sincerely hope you are doing this for yourself and your own reasons (be they health, dating, whatever) rather than with the sole aim of winning this guy back. Secondly, the fact he dated you for a year and a half in the first place when you were a "Bigger Girl" suggests to me that your weight wasn't the problem. Otherwise he wouldn't have dated you in the first place. Thirdly, I am tempted to give you the stock, "common sense" answer and tell you to move on and find someone else, but I know what it's like to want to know for sure, even if it's just for "closure". All I can suggest is when you're feeling happy with yourself, talk to him, and ask him out. The worst thing that will happen is that he'll say no, but prepared for that possibility. He has probably moved on, and you will need to as well.
abby_tx Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My friend lost a lot of weight (100 pounds) and her ex suddenly begged for her back. She didn't fall for it and is happily married to a much better guy. 4
SunnySide0418 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I think if he was totally head over heels in love with you and you were "the one" for him, he would have urged you to lose the weight in the nicest possibly fashion, yet stayed with you anyway. Find a guy who will still be crazy about you if you gain a few extra pounds. They don't have to prefer a chubbier version of you, but it they were NUTS about you they would have tried to have a frank discussion with you and explained that they were not as attracted to you sexually the heavier you got; they would explain that they are still too in love with you to leave though, but it was imply the lust that diminished with additional weight gain. I swear, sometimes your posts make me laugh. I mean, really? You live in fantasy land. The reality is if a partner gains a lot of weight it is a turnoff. he may have met her and started dating her heavy though. I don't know. That's different altogether. But I believe it is each persons responsibility in a relationship to take care of themselves and be the best they can be for their partner and that includes not gaining too much weight. That of course excludes pregnancy but once the baby is born she needs to get her figure back. And I can say that as I have 2 kids...Why do people think if someone alters their appearance greatly the attraction will remain just because they are in love? It baffles me ... One thing has nothing to do with the other. 2
ascendotum Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I think if he was totally head over heels in love with you and you were "the one" for him, he would have urged you to lose the weight in the nicest possibly fashion, yet stayed with you anyway. Find a guy who will still be crazy about you if you gain a few extra pounds. Easier said than done with many women. Look how the weight issue threads on LS often turn into block busters because its a very sensitive issue with many women. The guy could have been honest or dropped hints, but instead to possibly avoid the drama he just decided this isn't working anymore and broke up (which she used to do herself to guys). I agree that people should be upfront and give the other persona a chance to know how they are failing in a relationship, but when it comes down to other person's appearance it can be tricky when you don't want to hurt their feelings. You still love them but just don't lust after them. Find a guy who will still be crazy about you if you gain a few extra pounds * Hard to know you have found that guy upfront. People love who they fall in love with in the present. * Often woman's version of few extra pounds is different from man's version. OP - Often when people have been rejected due to their appearance they take it as an affront and hate the ex or girl or guy who they wanted but got rejected by. Since in your case you are pragmatic about the situation and would be happy getting back together, then I think you should got for it and find out. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Please don't go back to someone that rejected you. He doesn't deserve to enjoy the benefits of your weight loss. 1
Emilia Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sincere, straight forward question for the men. I used to be a bigger girl. Pretty face. Smart, funny, confident. When I was heavy, I dated a thinner man for about a year and a half. I suspect that one of the main reasons he broke up with me because he wanted someone in shape. He is way too sweet to mention my weight as a reason. In the past when I was thin, I too dated men and left them for someone I found more attractive physically. So I get it. No judgement. I have changed my lifestyle because it was time to do it, and am losing tons of weight. Now I wonder if he will want me back. I don't care how shallow it sounds. Guys? Don't hold back...should I get in touch with him and talk to him about it? I still like him, what are my chances? No. Like a previous poster said, don't try to get back with someone who had rejected you. He chose not to have an honest conversation about it with you by the sound of it, he just moved on. You should forget about him, good for you if you lose weight but do it for yourself, not for others.
gaius Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 No. Like a previous poster said, don't try to get back with someone who had rejected you. He chose not to have an honest conversation about it with you by the sound of it, he just moved on. You should forget about him, good for you if you lose weight but do it for yourself, not for others. She doesn't seem to have honest conversations with the guys she dates if there's an issue, so if her assessment of him and his motives are accurate then they fit together nicely as a couple. I would find a way to send him some pics of the new, skinnier you and see how he reacts.
Emilia Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 She doesn't seem to have honest conversations with the guys she dates if there's an issue, so if her assessment of him and his motives are accurate then they fit together nicely as a couple. Are you kidding me? Someone dumps you and the onus is on you to work out why and work your way back because the dumper can't be bothered to work on the issue? I would find a way to send him some pics of the new, skinnier you and see how he reacts. Don't do this OP. He will lose any respect he has for you. 3
gaius Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Are you kidding me? Someone dumps you and the onus is on you to work out why and work your way back because the dumper can't be bothered to work on the issue? Don't do this OP. He will lose any respect he has for you. I'm saying they have similar communication styles. So they would be a good fit for each other. And as long as she doesn't beg for him back he won't lose any respect. The onus should be on him to pursue. But he doesn't really have the option to do that if he still thinks she's huge does he? I don't know any relationship really where one partner wouldn't dump the other over one negative behavior or another. You're making too big a deal out of the fact he didn't directly communicate it to her beforehand. Some people don't communicate in the perfect manner.
Emilia Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'm saying they have similar communication styles. So they would be a good fit for each other. we don't know whether they have similar communication styles, only that he dumped her. Is there another thread you are reading? How would 'not talking' make someone a good fit? And as long as she doesn't beg for him back he won't lose any respect. The onus should be on him to pursue. But he doesn't really have the option to do that if he still thinks she's huge does he? When someone dumps you and you send photos of your 'improved self' to that person that kinda counts as begging. Good future reference for you perhaps. So you are saying that IF he dumped her because she put weight on (we don't actually know) now that she looks the way he wishes her to look, she should claw her way back? Even though he never ever gave her the chance to work on this but chose to dump her instead? IF that's the reason? I don't know any relationship really where one partner wouldn't dump the other over one negative behavior or another. Really? In your circle people keep dumping each other instead of working on their issues? I wouldn't call those relationships. You're making too big a deal out of the fact he didn't directly communicate it to her beforehand. Some people don't communicate in the perfect manner. Um.... he DUMPED her. It sounds to me that in your circles people are used to being treated badly. I can assure you, for most of us that's not the norm. 1
JourneyLady Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sorry ladies, I have to side with the gents on this one. I'm still in process obviously, but have lost a significant amount of weight. I was married and my ex-husband always assured me that my putting weight on did not ruin his love for me. While that was not the only issue we had, lets just say it was the start to a long downhill climb that looks like this: my weight gain > less attraction from him > less sex > more lonliness on my part > depression > more weight gain > both ended up having "others" to get emotional support from Many men are non-confrontational with women. They don't like to see us cry and no matter how gently you put it, telling us we are fat will probably make us either cry or get angry. We cry > they feel shame for having made us cry. It''s pure avoidance. It's not right and it's not moral, but it's a natural phenomenon for a man to avoid telling his girlfriend or wife that he starting to find her less attractive. (He still should find a way to get a message though.) The wrong way is like my ex-boyfriend. I was still somewhat overweight when we met, but was doing well in losing. Between being in school and studying a lot and the stress he caused me, I gained some of it back again. But even from the start, every time we argued about something unrelated, he brought up my weight again (even though he also was overweight). Find a way to work WITH nature, not against it. Rather than letting your ex know directly, find a way to have his friends find out or for him to find out indirectly (going to the same grocery store or something). 1
Emilia Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sorry ladies, I have to side with the gents on this one. I'm still in process obviously, but have lost a significant amount of weight. I was married and my ex-husband always assured me that my putting weight on did not ruin his love for me. While that was not the only issue we had, lets just say it was the start to a long downhill climb that looks like this: my weight gain > less attraction from him > less sex > more lonliness on my part > depression > more weight gain > both ended up having "others" to get emotional support from Many men are non-confrontational with women. They don't like to see us cry and no matter how gently you put it, telling us we are fat will probably make us either cry or get angry. We cry > they feel shame for having made us cry. It''s pure avoidance. It's not right and it's not moral, but it's a natural phenomenon for a man to avoid telling his girlfriend or wife that he starting to find her less attractive. (He still should find a way to get a message though.) The OP doesn't seem to know why they broke up exactly. We don't even know how long they were together for. It doesn't sound long from her post, certainly not like a marriage. Most people who dump you aren't worth fighting for and to be honest for those that don't think you are important enough to spell it out, it's especially the case.
gaius Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 God Emilia, in the first post she said she's done the exact same thing he did to guys she was dating. Do you think she had a discussion with them before she broke up about not being as attractive as another guy she was eyeing, and what they could do to improve? A little bit of reading between the lines is a good thing. And you know what, I don't know any social circle anymore where talking and discussing every issue two people have so they can be together forever is the norm, or even the slight majority. If you want to sit around holding out for a partner like that you're going to be sitting around for a long time. Why would she want a guy who was so different from her anyway even if she did find him? The way I see it, she's thinking about this guy so she can figure out a way to slip him a pic and he either pursues her or he doesn't. If he does she's got what she wants and if he doesn't she can start things up with someone else while not daydreaming about whether this guy wants her or not over dinner with the new dude. Everyone wins.
Chocolat Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sincere, straight forward question for the men. I used to be a bigger girl. Pretty face. Smart, funny, confident. When I was heavy, I dated a thinner man for about a year and a half. I suspect that one of the main reasons he broke up with me because he wanted someone in shape. He is way too sweet to mention my weight as a reason. In the past when I was thin, I too dated men and left them for someone I found more attractive physically. So I get it. No judgement. I have changed my lifestyle because it was time to do it, and am losing tons of weight. Now I wonder if he will want me back. I don't care how shallow it sounds. Guys? Don't hold back...should I get in touch with him and talk to him about it? I still like him, what are my chances? Give it a shot if you want but, as you note, there is no clear evidence that your weight was why he broke up with you, so why do you think that a thinner you will fix whatever reasons he DID articulate?
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You suspect? When we have extra weight we think it's the reason for our every problems. Men leave us it's the weight, our job sucks it's our weight, we have no friends it's our weight. I am ready to bet it had nothing to do with your weight. If your weight bothered him he would not have looked at you in the first place. So, why don't you get your new sexy self out there and road test it!!! Go out, have fun, date just for the heck of it, and one day one will stand above the crowd. The real reason you want to go back to your ex is the SAME reason everyone wants to go back to an ex, he's safe and familiar. I few years ago I was dating this guy, I was around 180-lbs. He saw me a few years later at 127-lbs and right away he said: hey!! you and I should go for a drink!! and I replied: IN YOUR DREAM! I am sooo out of your league now! 1
TheBlingRing14 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I swear, sometimes your posts make me laugh. I mean, really? You live in fantasy land. The reality is if a partner gains a lot of weight it is a turnoff. he may have met her and started dating her heavy though. I don't know. That's different altogether. But I believe it is each persons responsibility in a relationship to take care of themselves and be the best they can be for their partner and that includes not gaining too much weight. That of course excludes pregnancy but once the baby is born she needs to get her figure back. And I can say that as I have 2 kids...Why do people think if someone alters their appearance greatly the attraction will remain just because they are in love? It baffles me ... One thing has nothing to do with the other. Wow....that is one of the piggish things I've read in a long while. Just get your figure back, huh? Like losing weight is sooooo easy? Losing or maintaining weight is tough work. As is raising a child. My mom gained weight after she had us kids. My dad didn't leave her because a heavy-set woman just wasn't what he signed up for. I am one of those people that believes that if love is true, that love will last no matter what. In the wedding vows, "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse." That means that when times are tough, you stick it out. A wife is supposed to stand by her cancer-stricken husband, but if the woman gains 30 pounds, he gets a free pass to leave, because she let herself go? And no, it's not a fairy tale. Millions of people across the world, male AND female, gain weight, go bald, lose teeth, and their partners' love endures. I know of one case personally. My aunt and uncle: my aunt gained about 100 or so pounds between the time they met and their wedding. And has since gained some due to having kids. His love never wavered and they are a wonderful couple. They make time for each other every day. OP, I am not saying you SHOULDN'T give this guy another chance. It sounds like he stuck with you, even though you were bigger. I know you think it was part of the motive for the breakup, you never know. But, I will say...some people, like many here on the forum, will be the type to let looks affect the relationship. But, not everyone is like that, and don't let them tell you otherwise.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This is not a matter of her gaining weight during the relationship. That's a totally different topic. He met her as a chubby girl and chose to dated-liked her that way. It probably had nothing to do with why he broke up with her unless she made their relationship miserable because of her weight like: don't want to go there, don't want to do this, turn the lights off during sex, and kept putting herself down because of her weight. THEN he was justified to let go of that relationship.
HappyLove Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I hope you are losing the weight for yourself, not to get him back. You don't even know if that's why he left! A lot of men like bigger girls maybe he wouldn't even be attracted to a skinny you. I think you should date someone new but if you still really like this guy for whatever reason then you could text him one day ask him if he'd like to catch up over coffee. Then the ball is in his court after that.
ascendotum Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My friend lost a lot of weight (100 pounds) and her ex suddenly begged for her back. She didn't fall for it and is happily married to a much better guy. Why could she have not lost those 100 lbs for him when she was his gf...did she not want to be her best for him. People often say the person they get with after transforming their physique is better and not as shallow as their ex, but they don't really know that until the 100 lbs come back on. Maybe her new partner is a batter catch (thanks to her new svelte figure improving her prospects) and maybe she now tries harder to stay in shape to please him too. Not looking for an answer..just saying its not so B&W. 4
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