DeepThought Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hello all, This is mt first post on the forum so here is a bit of back story. I was with my girlfriend for two and a half years. they were great and I loved every minute of them. However several months ago she made it quite clear to me that I sometimes treated her poorly but she never made a big deal out of it, consequently letting it bottle up until it was too much. I tried to fix what I could, but it turned out to be too late. She left me in early November (a civil breakup, no yelling or losing tempers) and I was crushed (I'm sure you all know the feeling). I then tried to go through the steps of getting her back but rushed it causing it to not help at all. I've had NC for about a month and a half now which has given me a good amount of time to heal and think. Here is my dilema, I want to continue NC until we are both ready to talk, but I also have a massive amount of guilt on my conscience after thinking about what she said and how I treated her. I have already typed out an apology letter (I will hand write it if I decide to send it) thanking her for the wonderful times we had, apologizing for my wrongs, and forgiving her for everything around the break up. The only thing is I don't know if I should send it or just leave her alone. Any help or advise will be much appreciated! Also I can post the letter if anyone wants to read it/give me constructive criticism/ use it as a template. Thanks all!
darkmoon Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 you forgive her?? hey, you are/were in the wrong, she left, I think deep down you want to make a connection with her, or you would not want to write but would just move on put up the letter, see what others say, but tbh,your conscience is prolly of no interest to her, an apology is so easy to concoct, but equally easy is listening to what a partner needs on the day, if I got that letter, candidly, it would just remind me of shortcomings you need a sort of selling document, a plan, if you want her back type out the letter here see what others say 2
ariesgirl-328 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'll tell you my experience that is extremelllyyy similar to yours. But you decide what to do. My ex left me back in may 2013, I begged, cried, etc to get him back for months, then I finally went NC for about 3 months, at which point I was sort of healed but I felt sooo guilty for being as harsh as I was throughout the relationship and during the breakup. I posted on here to ask if I should write him the apology I really felt I needed to send, but mostly everyone said no, except for one person. In the end, I couldn't send him a handwritten letter because he had moved and I didn't know his new address or even what state he was in. So i just sent him a text message that was as descriptive, yet as short as possible, and I kept editing it for days until I thought my heart would be satisfied if i sent it and he accepted my apology. He accepted, and after that, my conscience shut up and I felt alottttt better. And now, I feel like he has heard my apology for real, so it is time for me to keep moving on. But just as an fyi, I did regress a few days ago which was about a month after I apologized to him and messaged him telling him how much i missed him, etc....I don't know if this was a consequence of hearing from him because of the apology but I'm definitely a few steps back right now in my healing and trying to move forward again. It's your choice, I'd go for it. 1
Hoosfoos Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Do you need to return any of her stuff to her? I sent a letter to my ex amongst some of her stuff that I returned to her. Make sure that the letter is purely about your regrets only. Don't think however, that you're the only one that screwed up. It takes 2 people for a relationship to fail.
Author DeepThought Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It takes 2 people for a relationship to fail. I am aware of this, but thank you, I wish someone would have told me that right after the break up. I just feel very guilty for my part of it. Good idea with the returning stuff too. And thanks ariesgirl, I am glad it worked out well for you! as for the regression, I am definitely no expert, but I'm guessing it is all part of the healing process. You are so proud of yourself for coming this far already, and you start thinking about your future without your ex. I've been experiencing that this weekend and I know how much it can hurt. Here is the letter if anyone wants to read it/critique. NAME, I hope you are doing well and enjoying life. Don’t worry, this isn’t an attempt to somehow magically pull you back to me or the classic “I want you back” letter. I just have been thinking a lot lately and want to clear my conscience, get some weights off of my chest, and overall do the right thing. First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the great two and a half years. They truly were some of the best times in my life and contained memories that will always continue to make me smile. Thank you for being there for me and letting me open up to you. You always were someone I had no hesitation confiding in, and felt comfortable enough to tell you anything. Thank you for being a great person to me throughout it all. Next, I want to give you the sincere apology that you deserve. NAME, I am truly sorry for being such a self centered, inconsiderate, arrogant person. I put myself above you on too many occasions and failed to realize that I was even doing so. I’m sorry that I always had an excuse, whether it be anxiety, stress, home issues, or a bad day. Sure some of these things may have put me in a bad mood, but none should be any justification to have treated you like anything less than royalty. I am sorry that many times I lost sight of “us” because all I could see was me. NAME, I am so sorry that I took you for granted. If I could go back, I would be telling you everyday how much you meant to me and actually showing you that I cared. However, I know that that cannot happen and I can never right those wrongs. I am sorry NAME. Lastly, I want to say that whatever bitter feelings I had when it ended are gone. I forgive you NAME and realize why you did what you did. Now don’t worry, I do not expect anything from this letter whether that be forgiveness, friendship, or even a reply. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am about everything. If you ever need anything you know I am always here for you. Best of luck to you. Sincerely, DeepThought
Mcnulty Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Send it. if it's cathartic to sent it, send it. It's an honest genuine piece you've wrote, so go with your gut instinct.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Go for it. I sent letters to my ex too. I don't regret it. It helped me through my emotions. Let us know what happens, we are here for you. 1
LadyM Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 That's a beautiful letter. I wish I had gotten some kind of letter like that from my ex. The letter ties up any loose strings you or he may be feeling. I think he'll appreciate the letter. Most of all, it will make you feel better.
Sandy99 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I would definitely send a letter. I might wait a few more weeks, though. A month and a half isn't much time after a break up. I probably wouldn't open your letter as you did, though, saying you're not trying to get back together, etc. That seems sort of irrelevant at this point. I would just make the apologies. And at the end I wouldn't say I don't expect anything from this. I would just try to right your wrongs in the letter, the ones she pointed out to you and the mistakes you know you made. I think it's crazy when people say you must totally have no contact after a break up to heal, when possibly what's holding you back from getting over them is that you feel so much guilt because you actually did something personally to cause the break up. You have to get that out. In the long run, it will make not only you feel better, but will probably make your ex see you in a more positive light and the chances of a reconciliation or even a cordial relationship down the line are much more likely. I think you don't want to overdue it and you don't need to indicate your intentions for the letter. She will know it's an apology letter and most likely appreciate it. But don't wait for much of a reply other than, thanks. But at least you will clear you conscience a bit and this is necessary for moving on. Time does not really heal guilt and self blame in my opinion. This just festers. It shows maturity to admit when you were wrong. 2
Author DeepThought Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks for the support everyone! Sandy99, I definitely agree that i should wait a bit to send it especially since this Friday is Valentines day. I feel it would be inappropriate for her to get my letter then. Also I see where you are coming from with not stating my purpose, but the reason I hesitate to take it out is because before i went into NC I tried to reconcile and get back together. I just don't want her to think that that is what I am doing this time, and her to think that I am only apologizing for her to come back. Thank you for your input though and I will definitely take it into consideration. Thanks again for the support everyone, It feels great to have people behind me and here to help!
what_a_blonde Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) As a female, I can say that is truly a great letter... See below. I changed a few things... 1) Don't start off thanking her for the person she is. Start off with the apology, then go into the thank you. 2) No need to tell her you "forgive" her and are over any bitterness. Sending her this letter makes that clear... and if you spell out that you "forgive her", it almost takes away anything else you've said in this letter. Don't make it about how she hurt you... just make it about getting this off your chest and being the bigger person... therefore not mentioning how you used to be bitter about her. Hope this helps. And for what its worth, I'm all for getting things off your chest just to have peace of mind. Just be prepared for NO RESPONSE....possibly even no sign of whether she read it. Give her the letter, then forget about it and carry on with your life, knowing you've made right any wrongs and feel good about that. If she decides to contact you, then it was meant to be. But I just want to caution you and make sure that not one ounce of you is expecting a reply back. Just don't want you to be setting yourself up for disappointment or bitterness.. sounds like you are good to go though but just want you to even double-check yourself. ************************************ NAME, I really hope you're doing well. This letter probably comes as a surprise, but I have been thinking a lot lately and want to clear my conscience and lift a weight off my chest. First, I want to give you the sincere apology you deserve. I am truly sorry for being such a self-centered, inconsiderate, arrogant person. I put myself above you on too many occasions and failed to realize that I was even doing so. I’m sorry that I always had an excuse, whether it be anxiety, stress, home issues, or a bad day. Sure some of these things may have put me in a bad mood, but none should be any justification to have treated you like anything less than royalty. I am sorry that many times I lost sight of “us” because all I could see was me. NAME, I am so sorry that I took you for granted. If I could go back, I would be telling you everyday how much you meant to me and actually showing you that I cared. However, I know that that cannot happen and I can never right those wrongs. Next, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the great two and a half years. They truly were some of the best times in my life and contained memories that will always continue to make me smile. Thank you for being there for me and letting me open up to you. You were always someone I had no hesitation confiding in, and felt comfortable enough to tell you anything. Thank you for being a great person to me throughout it all. Lastly, I just want you to know I don't expect anything from this letter. Whether that be forgiveness, friendship, or even a reply. Whether you choose to do any of them is up to you, but I really just wanted you to know how sorry I am about everything and thank you for being such a great person during the time we had together. If you ever need anything you know I am always here for you. Best wishes, DeepThought Edited February 12, 2014 by what_a_blonde added paragraphs 2
lolita jade Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I sent a letter soon after my ex found someone new. I was expecting a reaction from my action though and I got nothing, like he may have just binned it or not even opened it. Please make sure you only want to get guilt off your chest and you are not expecting a reply, or you will feel worse, not receiving one, like I did. I felt invisible, unwanted and felt like I had no voice. If she wants you she will reply. If not at least you will know........... 3
darkmoon Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 "If you ever need anything you know I am always here for you" I think the line is dramatic given that she has decided to let you go, unless you can think of a reason for her to turn to you, in which case spell it out, I think not, so you can not expect her to either I'd end it more chirpily..."here's looking at you, kid"..."bye bye baby"...or something 2
Author DeepThought Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Thanks for all the great ideas! I will definitely consider all of them. Also If any of you were receiving this letter, would you rather it come in the mail or be delivered by a mutual friend? Neither one would be more difficult than the other, I just cannot decide between the two.
what_a_blonde Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Thanks for all the great ideas! I will definitely consider all of them. Also If any of you were receiving this letter, would you rather it come in the mail or be delivered by a mutual friend? Neither one would be more difficult than the other, I just cannot decide between the two. I think I'd rather it come in the mail. Might be a little awkward to be delivered by a mutual friend cause you're getting them involved in something that kind of has nothing to do with them. However if you mail it, then you may never know if she receives it...
Sugarkane Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Why should you apologize for? After being on this site for a few years now, I've rarely seen a dumper apologize for thinking they could do better than us and throwing the relationship away. 1
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