lynnered Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 ive been reading these posts for the last month trying to resolve my own issues ive been ivolved wh my mm for almost 4ys ready to go but just going back and forth in my head when we first became involved we were friends for 2 yrs (on &off talking at his conveince)&the past 4 years this im miseralble ive broken off contact at least 5 times in the past years no more then 30 days will go by &he starts calling he has a young child at first he told me he wasnt ever leaving he made his mistake (the marriage )he had to deal wth it well then he was saying he would leave soon well now its hes going to stay as long as he can i dont get it sometimes i feel im keeping the marriage together he married her when we were just friends he had gotton her preg he told me he was ready to leave how would that look? once the baby came she kept bugging him for marriage ,they argue all the time shes really jealous(even before this)doesnt like sex my ? if i stand firm and go do you think thats better?i mean by staying im giving him what hes not getting thereby keeping him happy every saint has a past every sinner a future
Leaf Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I say stand your ground. If he comes to you then groovy, if he doesnt and he loses you, its his loss.
Author lynnered Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 its so hard!!ive tried before im just weak &hes been really nice calling more &just being more respectful but its not enough funny thing is he believes we have a future he knows kind of how i feel not totallybut he feels he would rather i end it now then develop more bad feeling towards him &never want anything to do with him thats the crap that keeps me around i guess
Leaf Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I know... I have the similar feelings towards my MM. I know it has a hold on you and you cant let go, but you know you shouldnt stay, and you hope one day he opens his eyes and comes to you 100% because you have been there for him, you love him, etc... I had a friend give me some advice the other day.. he told me to let nature take its course. Its the first time I have heard any advice I really think I follow. Maybe thats what you should do. Make sure you protect your heart tho hon.
Author lynnered Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 i know im just scared &i put in all this time &hes probly close to leaving but at the same time im tired of waiting &im affraid hes comfortable when ive done this (broken up)in the past just when im starting to feel ok here he comes he misses me we get along really good have great conversions i talk to him on his way to &from work everydaythis time i need to stand firm i told him we need to talk when he cld today i think he knows so he will try to duck me because i will only do this face to face
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I hate to sound like this Lynn, but I really doubt he's going to be willing to change anything in his relationship with you or his wife. He's got all he wants right now...you calling him and talking with him everyday, with your happiness totally dependent upon him, and his wife to go home to once he's done talking to you. And I'm not even going to talk about the physical aspects of this, but you can see what I'm getting at. He's got no reason to change. And likely never will, unless something breaks him out of his habits. And when that happens...there's no way to really predict where he'll end up when the smoke clears. You would do yourself the most good by ending it with him completely. Tell him that while he's still married (in any way shape or form) that there is no way you can continue to be part of his life. AND MEAN THAT!!! Walk away from him, even though it hurts and you do run the risk of losing him. Because if you do, one of two things will happen...either he'll finally get off his arse and divorce his wife, or he'll finally get off his arse and fix his marriage, which will free you to find someone who's single and a lot better for you. Right now, you're letting him run this relationship. And you're miserable because you consistently come in second place to his wife. You have the choice to make your own path in life...or be a spectator in it. It's up to you...
Leaf Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by Owl He's got no reason to change. And likely never will, unless something breaks him out of his habits. And when that happens...there's no way to really predict where he'll end up when the smoke clears. Owl is right on the money. I dont know if this is a "guy" thing or what but it seems to me that these men get into a habit and they are contented, even if they know that it hurts everyone around them. Its like they do not possess the power within themselves to change anything. Is it fear? what?
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 It's not a "guy" thing, or even a "power" thing...it's a simple fact. He's got all that he wants...he was selfish enough to get into this position, so you can rest assured that he is selfish enough to keep it going for as long as he can get away with it. Has nothing to do with being a guy...has everything to do with being selfish, self-centered, and self-serving. What do you think motivates anyone in an affair? They're not thinking about anyone else involved...that's for sure. And that is doubly true of the wandering spouse...
Author lynnered Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 i talked to him earlier and told him he needs to make time for a long talk he knows its coming,weve been through this before i always break it off& he will call and the cycle starts again sat night i talked to him and told him that if he felt he needed to work on the marriage let me know because he knows if there is any hope wth that i dont want to be involved &i would wish him the best what owl said "either he'll finally get off his arse and divorce his wife, or he'll finally get off his arse and fix his marriage, which will free you to find someone who's single and a lot better for you. "actully motivates me to leave ive started therapy( i actully go later tonite )because i know this is going to be very hard emotionlly and also owl ? for you do you agree that for a marriage to work there has to be good communication &sex ?he has neither at home i mean we have those how was ur day dirty talk i take care of his needs quite well im just tired of the misery cant solve this i mean hes the only one that can fix it(by leaving )my therapist thinks im depressed because of this that i keep over thinking it &cant resolve it but talking to u guys is making me feel better that people can be understanding
Author lynnered Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 well owl... not yet he knows its coming i made some comments &he said i sound bitter i told him i am bitter then he said maybe we shouldn't talk anymore i said thats what I've been thinking then he says i thought you were going to give me some time i told him i didn't know i don't see progress then he says how can i tell i said just by some comments he's made(this has all been by phone i would prefer to break it off face to face)we agreed we will sit down &talk next week i ran into him at the gym (i don't feel thats the place to talk about these things)he starts telling me how she punched him in the nose the other night thats lovely i still go back &forth in my head now i just don't want to have that meeting with him, i feel I'm closer but at the same time i think well maybe it wont be much longer, i told him I'm not going to do this another year he says he don't like having a time frame i told him some people are in this situation for 8-11 years thats not going to be me but i know that I'm giving him what he doesnt get at home so what you said still pushes me to break it off that i really feel I'm keeping his marriage together &that pisses me off to no end !!i feel he loves me but he's being selfish &he says she's acting crazy (crazier)lately as far as him going out she wont let him play pool by hisself has a fit when he goes to the gym so i should end it let him deal with that with nobody to say it'll be alright &rub his back and all the nice stuff i do
Owl Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Lynn- I'm gonna be blunt here... Ain't nothing going to change...especially for the better...unless you do something about it. He's not going to leave her, he's not going to end it with you, he's not going to do ANYTHING to change his little paradise here without someone else taking action. YOU have decided that you're tired of the BS...and I can't say that I blame you. I can't imagine what you're life is like...I've never been in your shoes. But from what I see of it, I don't think I'd like to stay that way myself. So do something about it. END IT. Tell him that as long as he's married (and seperated is STILL married), that there is no way you're going to be with him. And walk away. Make sure he understands that the only way he can have you in his life is by doing it the RIGHT way. No more lying, no more sneaking around...no more sharing of him with her. You've got the strength to do what you need to do. YOU DESERVE BETTER. So make it happen friend!
Author lynnered Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 your right about things not changing as i said when i told him we shouldn't talk anymore he says i thought you were going to give me some time &how he don't want to feel there's a time frame ,well what about me he don't think about my times valuable ?&its not easy I've told him all the things we don't do he don't take me no where we just spend time at my house ,I've told him in a normal relationship we would either be done or heading down the aisle(friends since 1999&involved in a since 01) I'm not the happy person i used to be I'm miserable &lonley for more time with him&lately I'm angry at him for this because i cant leave his wife for him(lol)if i could i would ,its just hard but you are so right that i need to do this its just hard i don't feel he's a bad guy he's just being lazy&selfish hopefully i will do this&this time i stand firm about nc until i see divorce papers ,i thank u for you're support owl
Author lynnered Posted January 23, 2005 Author Posted January 23, 2005 well i did it i broke up with mm ,sat nite he actully left work after 30 mins said he was going home i was like y dont you come over so we can spend some time so watched some movies made love then i told him we need to talk he asked what i want well i told him engagment ,marriage one day(lol) ,kids but it the way he was so understanding that i almost didnt go through but i told him i my head wants to do this my heart doesnt ,&like ive said prev he knew it was coming he even offerd for us to just talk on the phone only until he leaves i told him i couldnt do that, even though he says hes leaving "soon"i told him that wasnt good enough for me i deserve better he agreed he wants to give me better he says he cant now i told him when he can look me up (weve had this agreement from prev if he ever leaves i would give him a chance)im just scared now hes like my best friend a really good guy ,so used to talking to him everyday &we got along so good i even told him i like everything about him but the wife!any tips for keeping my mind off him &me sane???
Barby Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 I'm pretty hesitant about responding to posts like these, "ow" who leave the "mm" because 9 times outta 10 the "ow" end up going back to the "mm" because they're not strong enough to stay away. BUT I know you probably need support/advice. I must say that I'm glad that once you decided what you wanted and realized that you deserved better, that you took the steps to get it. You know you want a family/man of your own and being with someone else's husband isn't going to get you that. I also understand that the two of you have a long "friendly" history so letting go completely is going to be harder than ever! Please remember for everytime you make/accept contact from "mm" you're prolonging the agony and your own suffering. Keep busy with other friends, pamper yourself, go out, do whatever you have to do to avoid waiting around for him. Once again congrads on being strong!
Author lynnered Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 i thank u for responding barby!i guess just writing &getting things out of my system is good ,ive done this before &of course ive failed. this time i know &feel its differnt i havent cried once since he left ,it dont feel likeits the end of the world weve discussed "in the future"if he leaves his wife &i really feel he cares so even if this is really done forever ,i feel good that i walked away, i even mentioned this site (didnt give him the name)ive told him i feel depressed in this situation &kind of relieved that its done with ,i told him one lie we go to the same gym &he said he doesnt want me to avoid him ,he just considers this a break until he gets a divorce ,i said of course i wont avoid u!!i will sadly distance does not make my heart grow fonder before if we broke up he always calls before 30 days so i know not to answer the phone and be strong because i feel if hes truly going to leave (like owl said)y leave this is easier for him i make his life easier and realizing that i know the only way he will go is if he has to look at the life with her fighting everyday,a woman who throws things &puts him down so its going to be tough but i will be the one to get what i need from my life and crumbs are just not good enough anymore!!
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