OW...sort of

[NotOW35]

I have been in a serious relationship with a MM for over a year. He is separted from his alcoholic wife. They have been living apart for almost two years but he is not yet divorced, and the divorce has been going on close to four years.

 

I love him. I want to be with him. I am 15 years younger, and want to have kids. He already has kids, so he doesn't feel the same pressure. I want to be with him, but don't want to waste much more time waiting for his divorce to finish so we can marry.

 

His wife wouldn't take his settlement offer so there will be a trial. Plus she has been making claims to part of a trust he has, so there is a civil case. I really wish she'd just stop it and let him move on. She doesn't even work. And, she has said in court that she doesn't plan on working, even though the three kids are now in their teens.

 

How long do I wait? Should I talk to the wife? I met her for the first time this weekend at his daughters school event. I am so invested, and yet I don't see an end to this.

 

Anyone been through this? Help/support. Thanks.

[jwi71]

His wife wouldn't take his settlement offer so there will be a trial. Plus she has been making claims to part of a trust he has, so there is a civil case. I really wish she'd just stop it and let him move on. She doesn't even work. And, she has said in court that she doesn't plan on working, even though the three kids are now in their teens.

 

Stay out of the D proceedings. None of your business. And nothing will piss off the stbxw more than knowing the new gf is...involved in the D. Oh vey.

Stay as far from that as you can. That's his mess to sort out.

 

How long do I wait?

As long as you can. Its the only answer anyone can give.

Instead of asking us, ask your parents, friends, siblings et etc...THEY are your circle of support as they know you and the details of all this better than we.

 

Should I talk to the wife?

What do you want to talk about?

I'm on the fence with this...but it depends on what you truly hope to accomplish here. And do consider how this may affect the D, your future with her (you WILL have a future with her) and the kids. If the D is heated, as it sounds, it may be best to wait. If you think you can both rationally discuss things, then proceed. If not, then I wouldn't.

 

Actually, my gut says wait.

[whichwayisup]

I have been in a serious relationship with a MM for over a year. He is separted from his alcoholic wife. They have been living apart for almost two years but he is not yet divorced, and the divorce has been going on close to four years.

 

So he hasn't pushed the divorce, there's a reason for it. He can't be bothered...Have you asked him why it's taking so long? What does he say about it?

I love him. I want to be with him. I am 15 years younger, and want to have kids. He already has kids, so he doesn't feel the same pressure. I want to be with him, but don't want to waste much more time waiting for his divorce to finish so we can marry.

 

He has kids, he has been through the diapers, new born baby scares, trips to the hospital etc, etc. Chances are, he won't want to go through all that again since is his are now teens and getting older it's going to be harder for him to start over in the sense of having more kids. His lifestyle will totally change. This is a HUGE factor so if you want kids 100% for sure and he isn't sure, you need to really think what YOU will be giving up if you stay with him. Imagine in 2 years, the divorce is final and you want kids, he doesn't. That could very well happen.

His wife wouldn't take his settlement offer so there will be a trial. Plus she has been making claims to part of a trust he has, so there is a civil case. I really wish she'd just stop it and let him move on. She doesn't even work. And, she has said in court that she doesn't plan on working, even though the three kids are now in their teens.

 

He will be paying her spousal support because their agreement was he works, and she looks after the kids. How old are they? You say teens, but they still need their parents, it'll be a while until they are on their own .. Also, since she has been out of the work force for at least 15 years, possibly more, it's going to be much harder on her to get a job, let alone a great paying job.

 

 

How long do I wait? Should I talk to the wife? I met her for the first time this weekend at his daughters school event. I am so invested, and yet I don't see an end to this.

 

Anyone been through this? Help/support. Thanks.

 

Do not talk to his wife, their marriage and how it ends is not your business. You get no say in how much spousal support she gets or how their divorce is handled. Ask questions but don't demand. Though what you can do is give him a heads up that if he isn't divorced by the end of the summer, you're ending things. stick to your timeline!

 

respect his wife, she is always going to be in his life because of their kids and you want to have a common understanding and respect for her since maybe one day you will be step mom to their kids, or at least be IN their lives to a certain extent. Don't go bashing her or putting her down.

[Goodbye]

Ok, jaded skeptic here!

 

 

How do you know she is an alcoholic and what does it have to do with anything anyway?

 

Maybe she isn't taking the settlement offer because it isn't equitable?

 

Maybe she isn't going back to work because they had an agreement that she'd be a stay at home mother?

 

 

 

My advice...if you are really concerned about your eggs expiring, move on. Have you actually discussed marriage and babies? Timeline? If not, don't count on him wanting another batch...just saying.

 

Good luck. As the other poster suggested, talk to family and friends about this, particularly if they know him.

[veryhappy]

You might want to reframe your thinking. She may not be evil. She has no work experience in the past decade+ and three kids to look after. She doesn't afford to not fight for everything she can have. Be very skeptical if he tells you everything is her fault.

 

The only subject you could discuss with her is the wellbeing of he kids. Period. You are condescending ("she doesn't even work" - none your business?!) and you'll come across condecending in real life as well.

 

So...where does that lead you? It's best for you really to try not to get to deep into it. You're already so invested in their divorce and he could throw a reconciliation at you and you won't even know how to breathe in the aftermath.

 

My exAP had two kids and I had none, same discussion and worries. It didn't happen for me and it was indeed a factor. He won't abandon the kids he has for ones he doesn't even want that much or as much as the first set. It's not the wife standing in your way to be with him and have kids. He should have your answers, she's just living her life trying to be in the best position after divorce.

[Speakingofwhich]

I have been in a serious relationship with a MM for over a year. He is separted from his alcoholic wife. They have been living apart for almost two years but he is not yet divorced, and the divorce has been going on close to four years. Sometimes a divorce drags on when both parties are wanting it to speed up.

 

I love him. I want to be with him. I am 15 years younger, and want to have kids. He already has kids, so he doesn't feel the same pressure. I want to be with him, but don't want to waste much more time waiting for his divorce to finish so we can marry. Has he asked you to marry him?

 

His wife wouldn't take his settlement offer so there will be a trial. Plus she has been making claims to part of a trust he has, so there is a civil case. I really wish she'd just stop it and let him move on. She doesn't even work. And, she has said in court that she doesn't plan on working, even though the three kids are now in their teens.

 

How long do I wait? Entirely up to you. Should I talk to the wife? No, you won't be able to influence her in any way except probably negatively. I met her for the first time this weekend at his daughters school event. I am so invested, and yet I don't see an end to this.

 

Anyone been through this? Help/support. I've been through my own D and walked through divorces with friends. It's often pretty much out of a couple's control as to how long a D takes. A dear friend of mine recently got divorced. It took three years for it to go through and she wanted it to go through faster. Her ex claims she drug it out which is the furthest thing from the truth. Thanks.

 

ten characters

[NotOW35]

Yes, he talks about marriage all of the time. Obviously we are not engaged. He wants to get engaged but says it would look bad in the court if he bought me a ring. So, I wait. He knows I want babies, and this doesn't scare him.

 

I know his wife is an alcoholic because she went to rehab in 2012. It isn't a secret.

 

I wish she'd just get a grip, find a man of her own and get a job. The kids are in school all day. She has all sorts of degrees and instead she hangs out at home doing who knows what. She is just determined to use up all his money on this divorce. I'll admit, she pisses me off.

 

I do talk with my family about this. They like him and like that he is older and owns his own business and all. They would support me in waiting, but they are also mad that the wife is dragging all of this out.

[proseandpassion]

Yes, he talks about marriage all of the time. Obviously we are not engaged. He wants to get engaged but says it would look bad in the court if he bought me a ring. So, I wait. He knows I want babies, and this doesn't scare him.

 

I know his wife is an alcoholic because she went to rehab in 2012. It isn't a secret.

 

I wish she'd just get a grip, find a man of her own and get a job. The kids are in school all day. She has all sorts of degrees and instead she hangs out at home doing who knows what. She is just determined to use up all his money on this divorce. I'll admit, she pisses me off.

 

I do talk with my family about this. They like him and like that he is older and owns his own business and all. They would support me in waiting, but they are also mad that the wife is dragging all of this out.

 

You have no idea if it's 100% her dragging it out. They both might be. A little sensitivity and empathy for her position would do you well. She's a human being, and your partner loved her once. You'll be a stepmother to her children. Cut her some slack.

[veryhappy]

You are not listening. What she does or doesn't do with finding a man and getting a job it's not your business. Really. Your business is that your future husband keeps you informed and is honest. Even if she is your enemy and is doing this to ruin your life, all energy you spend on her poisons you and is wasted.

 

I suggest you ask your bf to start trying to conceive regardless of the status on his divorce. Tell him that you'll wait to get married, but want to move forward and build your family. See how positive he reacts to actually building a life with you.

 

Are you 35?

 

Edit to add that the question mark got there by mistake.

Edited February 10, 2014 by cutedragon

[NotOW35]

Yes, I am 35...36 next month. I can't just go and get pregnant as MM claims this will negatively impact the outcome of his divorce financially.

[thinkingofhim]

I cant imagine a 50 year old man with teenagers wants to have a fresh set of babies as soon as he finalizes his divorce. I just cannot believe this is true. And, he really hasn't DONE anything that indicates he wants babies, has he?

[whatatangledweb]

My MIL and FIL's divorce took ten years. She wanted the divorce and yet she kept changing things so they took that long. She wasn't trying to prolong the divorce. She was making sure everything was split correctly. She also had a lawyer that kept screwing up the paperwork.

Ask him why it took four years. She has a right to her half of things and going to court is what happens when they can't agree on things.

[veryhappy]

How about you put down all the facts you know about the divorce and go see a divorce lawyer? Ask how long he thinks it will take, if a ring expense would look bad, if having a child with you would affect the divorce financially and how. Pay someone to tell you the legal truth. Then make your choices informed.

 

At 36 you simply can't afford to waste this time especially if you want more than one child. He needs to be on the same page and offer you more than words and whining about his marriage and divorce.

[NotOW35]

He says that if he has a child with me while the divorce is still underway, the money spent on the baby will be from "marital assets" and spending marital assets on our relationship is a no-no in the eyes of the court. Technically, it is adultery, as he is married, but separated. The judges don't really care about relationships which were started after the divorce was filed, but spending money on a relationship is not good. He usually pays cash when we do stuff together so when his wife subpoenas his finanacial records it isn't obvious if we've gone away together or whatever.

 

It really pisses me off that we have to be sneaky about normal couple things because the marital assets haven't been divided. How about rehab for the wife??? Her bill was like 30K and there was a bill for 8000.00 which wasn't covered by insurance and my bf got stuck paying it. For her freakin' alcoholism. How is that fair?

[whichwayisup]

How about rehab for the wife??? Her bill was like 30K and there was a bill for 8000.00 which wasn't covered by insurance and my bf got stuck paying it. For her freakin' alcoholism. How is that fair?

 

Uhh, she stayed home and looked after the kids for how many years? He is/ was obligated to her UNTIL they are divorced.

 

If you have any chance with him, one thing you must do is let go of your anger and resentment towards his wife. Be the bigger person and don't put her down.

[sweet_pea]

Yeah, you need to learn to let go of that anger you have against her. It seems like you have an unnecessary bit of vitriol against his wife. If you're upset that you have to hide couple things, be mad at him, too. He's the one who had the affair and is in the midst of a divorce.

 

She's been a SAHM for how long? Of course he's going to have to pay for things, where do you expect her to find the money to pay for things if she's been at home taking care of their kids for however many years.

 

How old are his kids?

[veryhappy]

Okay let's say we agree that poor baby is out of luck and money with the wife.

 

That's out of your control. What's in your control? What can you do? You could see a lawyer, you could offer for your family to cover a child's expenses until he gets divorced. You could stop taking what he says as absolute truth and not be afraid to rock the boat. You're in a triangle and the only one benefiting from a triangle is the party playing both sides. That's poor baby.

[sunburned]

Yes, he talks about marriage all of the time. Obviously we are not engaged. He wants to get engaged but says it would look bad in the court if he bought me a ring. So, I wait. He knows I want babies, and this doesn't scare him.

 

I know his wife is an alcoholic because she went to rehab in 2012. It isn't a secret.

 

I wish she'd just get a grip, find a man of her own and get a job. The kids are in school all day. She has all sorts of degrees and instead she hangs out at home doing who knows what. She is just determined to use up all his money on this divorce. I'll admit, she pisses me off.

 

I do talk with my family about this. They like him and like that he is older and owns his own business and all. They would support me in waiting, but they are also mad that the wife is dragging all of this out.

 

 

 

As proseandpassion might say, "well, this is rich!" Are you kidding me??You are an OW who stole someone else's husband and you dare suggest she find a man of her own??? Do you see the irony here? I think it is you who is losing her grip.

 

 

You complain that she doesn't work???? You don't know why. Maybe it was their joint agreement. I am an M.D. and didn't work for several years so I could raise children (still raising and working very part-time). It would be very hard for me to go back to work full time and earn close to what I earned before I stopped working.

 

 

Since you are so critical of his W, you must work yourself right? So if you love him so much and want his baby so badly, why don't YOU pay the baby's expenses with your own money so there is no quarrel over the marital assets. You better get used to it because he will have a lot less money to spend on you post-D than he does now.

 

 

As for the alcoholism, this is not my area of expertise but it is a real disease and should be treated with care, not glib ridicule. It occurs to me that perhaps he or the two of you together drove her to it. The LEAST he could do is pay for her rehab. She is the mother of his children.

 

 

None of these "problems" are going to get better after a divorce. You might consider that you've bitten off more than you can chew. Maybe you should get out and find a man of your own. For real this time.

 

 

Excellent idea by cutedragon. Go get your own legal opinion on the situation. Break your own piggy bank to pay for it.

 

 

I really worry about your future. You are full of piss and vinegar. Your arrogance and sense of entitlement shock me even on a board brimming with bad behavior.

[HermioneG]

Yes, he talks about marriage all of the time. Obviously we are not engaged. He wants to get engaged but says it would look bad in the court if he bought me a ring. So, I wait. He knows I want babies, and this doesn't scare him.

 

I know his wife is an alcoholic because she went to rehab in 2012. It isn't a secret.

 

I wish she'd just get a grip, find a man of her own and get a job. The kids are in school all day. She has all sorts of degrees and instead she hangs out at home doing who knows what. She is just determined to use up all his money on this divorce. I'll admit, she pisses me off.

 

I do talk with my family about this. They like him and like that he is older and owns his own business and all. They would support me in waiting, but they are also mad that the wife is dragging all of this out.

 

Find a man of her own?

 

Actually- the healthiest thing both of them could do would not to be entangled in an outside relationship while their marriage ends. Finding "a man of her own" is not healthy. Getting her ducks in a row, and settling into a new life post divorce is a healthier move.

 

I think it shows emotional health to leave a relationship ( and this leaving was his decision, not hers, because she thought she was married to "her own man") and stand alone and heal before embarking on anything new. Also- they have young children. Their emotional stability and health should be paramount during this transition, not their parents' respective love lives.

[NotOW35]

As proseandpassion might say, "well, this is rich!" Are you kidding me??You are an OW who stole someone else's husband and you dare suggest she find a man of her own??? Do you see the irony here? I think it is you who is losing her grip.

 

 

You complain that she doesn't work???? You don't know why. Maybe it was their joint agreement. I am an M.D. and didn't work for several years so I could raise children (still raising and working very part-time). It would be very hard for me to go back to work full time and earn close to what I earned before I stopped working.

 

 

Since you are so critical of his W, you must work yourself right? So if you love him so much and want his baby so badly, why don't YOU pay the baby's expenses with your own money so there is no quarrel over the marital assets. You better get used to it because he will have a lot less money to spend on you post-D than he does now.

 

 

As for the alcoholism, this is not my area of expertise but it is a real disease and should be treated with care, not glib ridicule. It occurs to me that perhaps he or the two of you together drove her to it. The LEAST he could do is pay for her rehab. She is the mother of his children.

 

 

None of these "problems" are going to get better after a divorce. You might consider that you've bitten off more than you can chew. Maybe you should get out and find a man of your own. For real this time.

 

 

Excellent idea by cutedragon. Go get your own legal opinion on the situation. Break your own piggy bank to pay for it.

 

 

I really worry about your future. You are full of piss and vinegar. Your arrogance and sense of entitlement shock me even on a board brimming with bad behavior.

 

 

He was already separated when we started dating. I didn't break up their marriage...the wife's alcoholism did. And yes, I work. I have a good job. I would want to take some time off after babies, but their kids are 12, 13 and almost 16...not exactly needing full time mommy anymore. She spends time each day playing tennis and going to coffee with her tennis friends...hardly a hard life.

[NotOW35]

Yeah, you need to learn to let go of that anger you have against her. It seems like you have an unnecessary bit of vitriol against his wife. If you're upset that you have to hide couple things, be mad at him, too. He's the one who had the affair and is in the midst of a divorce.

 

She's been a SAHM for how long? Of course he's going to have to pay for things, where do you expect her to find the money to pay for things if she's been at home taking care of their kids for however many years.

 

How old are his kids?

 

 

She has been at home for 16 years...the past few doing nothing productive really. She was going to get some part time job, every other weekend at a hospital, but wouldn't start the day they wanted her to start because one of the kids had a horse show...like they couldn't manage without her.

[HermioneG]

She has been at home for 16 years...the past few doing nothing productive really. She was going to get some part time job, every other weekend at a hospital, but wouldn't start the day they wanted her to start because one of the kids had a horse show...like they couldn't manage without her.

 

I have been home ( mostly) for 19 years.

 

My schedule would knock most people on their butts.

 

Respectfully, unless you are her, and live her life, you have no idea what her schedule actually entails. Or what her productivity is.

 

My husband was not a wonderful parent when he was distracted by his affair. I had to be available for our kids in addition to other commitments.

 

Just because you think you understand the dynamic doesn't mean that you do. You don't have children, and you don't have older children, especially- which is a totally different ball game.

 

Empathy and less anger towards the betrayed wife- who is ALWAYS going to be a factor in your life if you actually marry this man would serve you well. Not only for your partner, but for yourself. You harmed her by participating in this affair. You are judging her for a lifestyle she decided on with your boyfriend. You are invalidating decisions they made as a married couple. You should think about that. If you married him and had children ( and I admit, I know very few 50 year olds who want babies), and make decisions, would you want the woman your spouse cheated on you with second guessing your life?

 

Try to stand in the other person's shoes. Try. I bet there are layers of issues in t that relationship that you are missing- and you would be well served in your own future to figure it all out.

[sweet_pea]

She has been at home for 16 years...the past few doing nothing productive really. She was going to get some part time job, every other weekend at a hospital, but wouldn't start the day they wanted her to start because one of the kids had a horse show...like they couldn't manage without her.

 

I'm curious-- how do you know what she does and does not do with her time?

 

EDIT: What HermioneG says sums it up well. I would also suggest you look into the advice CuteDragon offered.

[HermioneG]

Upon another reading, I realize that you have been dating him post separation.

 

I hope you have verified that was the case.

 

But, if that is the truth, then my general statement still stands- a man distracted by romantic pursuits before finishing the last entanglement is not a healthy choice.

 

And your condemnation of her is a giant problem, and you really need to figure that out.

 

He is making your issue. Not her.

[whichwayisup]

He was already separated when we started dating. I didn't break up their marriage...the wife's alcoholism did. And yes, I work. I have a good job. I would want to take some time off after babies, but their kids are 12, 13 and almost 16...not exactly needing full time mommy anymore. She spends time each day playing tennis and going to coffee with her tennis friends...hardly a hard life.

 

Keep in mind, she is NOT the devil here. She has a disease, and the reason why they are divorcing is because of that. You seem to forget that he obviously loved her, got married and had children with her. Really, if you plan on being a part (one day) of his kids lives, you MUST let go of your anger and bitterness towards her and show some respect. Don't get sucked into their marital problems, past or current.

 

One child is not a teen and 1 barely is a teen, so trust me on this, do not expect to put be first for a long time, the 12 and 13 year's old is so young, that's not kids about to be out on their own and self sufficient. When you said all his kids were in their teens, I thought you meant older teens. They still need their mom and dad, which is probably why the D hasn't happened yet.

 

Give yourself a timeline here - I mean can you imagine another year gone by, and still no D?