Onelastrequest Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hey everyone. I met my ex on a dating site 18 months ago. She was married with 3 children but, despite trying to leave her husband/find someone else, she hasn't managed to. We live around 1hr45mins apart. We messaged non stop for a couple of days, then swapped numbers and text all day everyday for a while. We pretty much fell in love over the phone, so 3 months later I hired an apartment near her for the weekend and we had 3 'dates', where she managed to pop over without getting caught. Everything went pretty much perfect! So we kept meeting up in secret when we could. Eventually We went on holiday together and everything was perfect. She had told her husband she was leaving him, but because she doesn't work (her youngest is autistic) it took her a while to find somewhere she could live. We can back off holiday in September and I started having insecurities pop up, making me fear losing her. I went back on the dating site to talk to other women, to see if anyone else saw in me what she did. Needless to say one time she was over here and I was going through emails, she noticed one from the dating site. A couple of days later she asked me why I was still on there despite her previously telling me it hurts her, and we broke up. A few days later we got back together, and in November she moved in to her new house. I went down when the kids were at their dads for the weekend and things seemed ok. Now, at the start of December she broke up with me again. She said she was miserable because of some of the things I did while I was with her (getting out of be earlier, saying a few stupid things etc. so we broke up again, I asked her what I did that was making her unhappy and she told me. I had been oblivious to this at the time, so I promised her I would improve because I knew I can and it was because I was unaware how I was making her unhappy. If I had known then I wouldn't have asked to get back together! We spent Xmas together and then she hurt her knee, so I went down to hers for new year with her friend who didn't like me (she hadnt met me before). Got through that ok, then went down to hers again that weekend and that was fine too. Her husband was due to be working away all of January so she was going to be having the kids, so I made plans without her. Turned out he came back for the weekends and had the kids, but because I didn't alter my plans she got upset (fair enough) and finished with me again because she didn't feel important enough or a priority. This time it's been for good. She started ignoring me and has started dating somebody new - she wouldn't see me so I threatened to turn up if she didn't. She said I could meet at her friends (the one who didn't like me) and they basically just laughed at me. She was very cold towards me and wouldn't let me say what I needed to say, how we didn't fit together, so I went home and deleted her number. It was over for good. However, the next night she decided to send me some abuse for 'threatening' her about seeing her. I stayed calm and was nice back, but that's been the end of the contact. QUESTIONS: I know that she loved me more than anyone else, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have stuck around so long if she didn't. Is this new guy just a rebound? I know I was a jerk to her and made her unhappy, but after some soul searching I realised why I had made her unhappy and not given her 100% since the holiday. The truth is I'm majorly insecure and self conscious, not helped by the fact my job makes me awfully tired. These are all issues il be dealing with over the next few weeks - in fact I've already made great steps forward since admitting to myself what's wrong and stopped hiding behind excuses. We were supposed to go away together this weekend, instead she took her daughter. Would she have been thinking about me? She kept saying she was happy again, dating again, over me, we wanted different things etc etc.. Is she just trying to convince herself? Will she compare this new guy to me? I do with girls and her. I have a lot of issues to overcome obviously, but I'm not in contact with my ex anymore. Once I get there (a month or so hopefully), will she have already written me off? Her sisters and her friends are against me, as is the distance, but would you think there's any way back? I was prepared to take on her and her 3 kids, although not many blokes would. This could work in my favour. Sorry for the long post and many questions, would just appreciate advice and a girls point of view too. If you need me to elaborate on anything or add some more details please feel free to ask. Thanks!
TMichaels Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 If you need me to elaborate on anything or add some more details please feel free to ask. Thanks! Why don't you send her husband a link to her online dating profile? Should take care of her adultery habit and marriage quite handily. Then, get your own sh|t together. Sneaking around with a married woman with three kids, one with special needs? And then being p|ssed off because the two of you aren't exclusive? Please. Re-read what you wrote above and ask yourself what's wrong with this picture. If you honestly don't know, then you need to get help and I'm not talking about from an Internet forum. Best, TMichaels
Author Onelastrequest Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 With all due respect, it's not as simple as looking at it with that mindset. She got pregnant here while on vacation from America. They both decided that it was for the best for her to move over here with him, try dating and raise their child together. Due to visa laws, they had to get married within 6 months so they reluctantly did. She was here with no friends, no family just him. He's an ******* but she didn't see that in him until it was too late, but they ended up having two more children (typical attempt of fixing a relationship) and she never had the courage to leave him. They've been finished for a long time, but she hasn't had the strength/ability to leave him before I came along. Yes I have issues and I'm sorting my **** out. But at the same time, when you love a women and make plans for a future together, 3 kids are inconsequential. You might not date a woman like that and with that baggage, and before I met her I wouldn't have either. But when you get to know someone as deeply as I did then feelings change. Appreciate the input
justwhoiam Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Why don't you send her husband a link to her online dating profile? Should take care of her adultery habit and marriage quite handily. They are separated and she now lives on her own. Why would you want to send him anything?? I really don't get it. Maybe they are already contemplating a divorce, maybe not because of the children. But that has nothing to do with the fact that they are now living their own life separately. Their sexual life included. If I had known then I wouldn't have asked to get back together! So you regret getting back together? her friend who didn't like me (she hadnt met me before) How do you know her friend didn't like you? And why do you think she didn't like you? And third, do you like her? Turned out he came back for the weekends and had the kids, but because I didn't alter my plans she got upset (fair enough) and finished with me again because she didn't feel important enough or a priority. What did you do that weekend? Did you seriously have plans or just couldn't bother arranging anything last minute? When did you know about the plan change, that is how early on? she wouldn't see me so I threatened to turn up if she didn't That was one of the worst things you could do, you had to talk things out or just wait. While you forced that upon her, threatening her. And she lost her trust in you completely. So if there was a chance, you ruined it. I'm telling you how that was wrong, but I admit I did something similar. I was in great stress, or better in shock and I wanted to stir up a reaction from him. It took months to get out of it and while still being in touch daily all the way through. We trust each other blindly, so that hit us both really bad. And it came after years of knowing each other. He saw a side of me that suddenly scared him like never before. But in the end, we forgave each other's behavior. That happened 2 years ago. We're now past that. But the memory still comes back now and then. Is this new guy just a rebound? Maybe. But I don't think she would be with someone else she doesn't love, willingly. She's probably hoping she can find in him what she's looking for. She surely is in the try out stage. But maybe, if it's been less than a month, it was too soon to be with someone else. She seems to be too volatile. We were supposed to go away together this weekend, instead she took her daughter. Would she have been thinking about me? Quite likely. She kept saying she was happy again, dating again, over me, we wanted different things etc etc.. Is she just trying to convince herself? Maybe. Or maybe it's what's needed to push you away. Or she thought the relationship was unhealthy. Or all three together. Will she compare this new guy to me? Possible. And there's a good chance he won't be perfect either. Once I get there (a month or so hopefully), will she have already written me off? That also depends on whether she's taking things slow with this new guy or not. but would you think there's any way back? Who knows. I was prepared to take on her and her 3 kids, although not many blokes would. If I heard a guy talking that way, he'd be written off instantly. No chance. You might not date a woman like that and with that baggage, and before I met her I wouldn't have either. Double written off. Anyway, are you even sure she has a new bf? Not that that is any of your business, but maybe she just made that out to get rid of you. Edited February 10, 2014 by justwhoiam
Author Onelastrequest Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 They are separated and she now lives on her own. Why would you want to send him anything?? I really don't get it. Maybe they are already contemplating a divorce, maybe not because of the children. But that has nothing to do with the fact that they are now living their own life separately. Their sexual life included. So you regret getting back together? How do you know her friend didn't like you? And why do you think she didn't like you? And third, do you like her? What did you do that weekend? Did you seriously have plans or just couldn't bother arranging anything last minute? When did you know about the plan change, that is how early on? That was one of the worst things you could do, you had to talk things out or just wait. While you forced that upon her, threatening her. And she lost her trust in you completely. So if there was a chance, you ruined it. I'm telling you how that was wrong, but I admit I did something similar. I was in great stress, or better in shock and I wanted to stir up a reaction from him. It took months to get out of it and while still being in touch daily all the way through. We trust each other blindly, so that hit us both really bad. And it came after years of knowing each other. He saw a side of me that suddenly scared him like never before. But in the end, we forgave each other's behavior. That happened 2 years ago. We're now past that. But the memory still comes back now and then. Maybe. But I don't think she would be with someone else she doesn't love, willingly. She's probably hoping she can find in him what she's looking for. She surely is in the try out stage. But maybe, if it's been less than a month, it was too soon to be with someone else. She seems to be too volatile. Quite likely. Maybe. Or maybe it's what's needed to push you away. Or she thought the relationship was unhealthy. Or all three together. Possible. And there's a good chance he won't be perfect either. That also depends on whether she's taking things slow with this new guy or not. Who knows. If I heard a guy talking that way, he'd be written off instantly. No chance. Double written off. Anyway, are you even sure she has a new bf? Not that that is any of your business, but maybe she just made that out to get rid of you. No I didn't regret us getting back together, I meant that if I had known how I wasn't making her happy and didn't want to change, then I wouldn't have got back with her then. I'm a nice guy so I'd have walked away. Her friend was against me from the beginning and didn't think my ex should see me. Her wedding was taking place in the summer on my ex's land - she didn't want her to get caught and therefor ruin her wedding. The two times she met me she said I'm a nice guy and she is nice enough as a person. But she is very manipulating towards my ex - tells her what's best, makes her feel inferior, very self centres etc. So part of me feels that this whole breakup has been persuaded by her friend - yes, I made mistakes, but she is in her ear saying 'you don't fit, you don't love him, you need a new guy' etc The first weekend I played football and caught up with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I only get 1 Saturday off every 6 weeks so it was the only chance I had to play football for a while again. The second weekend I was shattered from work, and she didn't know if he would even be back in time to have the kids. On the Sunday I had plans to see my dad for lunch - putting that off would have meant doing it on a weekend I was supposed to see my ex, so I thought it was better to get it done and out the way. Yeah it was a huge mistake doing it, but she wouldn't talk it through with me on the phone. I had been trying to explain where it went wrong between us (my insecurities leading my behaviour) but she wouldn't listen. I felt like I needed to see her and see if it was worth fighting for, rather than regret it in a few months time. I didn't believe she could be over me that quickly and I thought she was just putting on a brave face. She is dating again, but I can't see it getting overl serious too soon. When I went to stay with her we couldn't go out because of her husband finding out. Yes they are over, but he's a bit of a nut job and him finding out so soon after her moving out wouldn't have been worth the fallout. So in that sense I'm sure she would be in the same situation with this new guy. Her and her friend both know what she wants (love) and that she will be happy regardless. In reference to the taking on of the three kids, yes it's horrible. And I'd never say that to her. But as a 26 year old man, if you were to ask them 'would you take on 3 kids, one of which is a forever child (autistic)?' Then I don't think anyone would jump at the chance. Like I said, once feelings are involved and you know the person/children, perceptions change. For me to be with her forever I'd more than likely have to give up the chance of having kids of my own. For her, I'd of made that sacrifice. My point is that not many would choose that if feelings/love didn't play a role. I really appreciate your reply though! It's certainly given me a new perspective on things, although I'm still unsure wether I have any hope with her in the future. Time will tell I guess
HeavenOrHell Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You said this >She was very cold towards me and wouldn't let me say what I needed to say, how we didn't fit together< ie you don't fit together, so why would you want her back? Sorry to say it all sounds like a big mess, I wouldn't trust her as she was still married when she was seeing you, you're already (you said so) an insecure person, so being with a married woman was going to make you more insecure. She's seeing someone new and it sounds like you've seen other women, doesn't sound like either of you truly care about each other, I'd move on and not look back.
Author Onelastrequest Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 You said this >She was very cold towards me and wouldn't let me say what I needed to say, how we didn't fit together< ie you don't fit together, so why would you want her back? Sorry to say it all sounds like a big mess, I wouldn't trust her as she was still married when she was seeing you, you're already (you said so) an insecure person, so being with a married woman was going to make you more insecure. She's seeing someone new and it sounds like you've seen other women, doesn't sound like either of you truly care about each other, I'd move on and not look back. Yeah when I saw her she was at her friends, so when she was cold towards me and said how we didn't work I knew she was right, when I got home I deleted her number and felt comfortable that I'd moved on. However, when she messaged me the following night to have a go at me for threatening her, it turned around again and I sensed that she was only doing it for me to fight back. To convince herself she had made the right decision. So because of this, everything whirled round my head again and has left me in this confused state of mind. I know we didn't work together, but the whole 'eureka' moment of why/how/what made the problem clear - my insecurities basically are the catalyst of everything. Which is why I'm working on them now, so I will be going on dates and I've already made a new friend. I've opened up emotionally to my family for the first time ever and, for once in my life, I feel good about the future and comfortable with who i am. So now I'm on course, I know I can make us both happy again in time. I know from the outside reading this that it seems like a poor relationship etc, but I do trust her with my life and I know this wasnt just an affair or something equally trivial. I'm in a place now where I know what to do and how to do it regarding myself and my own happiness, but I'd equally like to be back together with her in a stronger relationship. Again, I appreciate your advice and take on this though. It's helped me confirm to myself that I need to carry on working on myself and then see what happens further down the line
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