Telling parents about my secret long distance relationship

[GH3]

Hello everyone, I've been in a secret, long distance relationship for seven months. In order to understand my problem, it's necessary to know how I ended up in this position.

 

 

So the short hand version: I met my love during my senior high school year at a college campus (he happens to be bit older than me). We talked for 4 months and then decided that we wanted to be together.

 

 

Sounds simple, but the problem: My mother meets him, thinks he's a cool person, but the day we decided we wanted to be together officially, we spend a little too long talking about it and end up coming late to my very, very upset mother.

 

 

Mother disapproves for several reasons:

1. she thinks we're both immature

2. He hasn't finished school yet (although he's dangerously close)

3. She doesn't want me to date anyone (although I'm 18 and going to university full-time)

4. She doesn't want me to get distracted from school (although I've talked to him often and managed to graduate from college classes with honors while in high school)

 

 

So what happens: We used to call each other often, but my mother told me he shouldn't call late at night (I thought fair enough, the reason he did was his 12-13 hour job)

 

 

We call each other during his work breaks: Mother says I shouldn't talk to him as often or provoke any interest on his part.

 

 

To make sure I don't: She almost gets rid of the household unlimited plan, checks my texts, obtains my Facebook password, checks my phone records, and tells me to charge all my devices in the kitchen

 

 

At this point I had enough, so: I change my Facebook password, she got angry, says I will be watched 24/7 at university (don't worry, she has no means of doing that), and threatened to not help me with my college expenses

 

 

Did I panic? Yes, I did.

 

 

My love and I talked about it: Since we couldn't see or call each other, we waited until I moved to university ( 1 hour and 10 minutes away from my parents, 1 hour and away from him)

 

 

We've been together 7 months now and he visits every two weeks. However, now hiding my relationship from my parents and half the world has become a bit emotionally troublesome for me.

 

 

I talked to him about it and he suggested:

1. We stop (we don't want to do that and we'd eventually just end up seeing each other again)

2. We tell my parents and if they decide to cut me off, I could pay rent at his parents' house and live there (although I don't know how school would work out)

3. we wait until I can finally stand on my own and then tell (hopefully that'll be in the near future like somewhere in the next two semesters, but I'm not sure)

 

 

We want our relationship to work out, but he says it's important for me to be holding up well. I know I'm not limited to those three specific options, so what can I do?

[Onelastrequest]

Personally I would use this opportunity to see how it develops. Don't worry about your mom finding out (just be careful when she's around) and keep it a secret.

 

You are both young and free to do what you want to do, but until you can stand on your own two feet (once you finish school) then it's not worth the risk of ruining your relationship with your mom.

 

Keeping quiet means that if it goes well, you can approach your mom and if she doesn't agree then you can move out. It also means if it doesn't work out, you aren't in a situation where you are without both of them.

[justwhoiam]

You only talk about your mother: your mother here and your mother there... How about your father? You didn't mention him a single time. Is he just a puppet in her hands?

 

I think, if he's a good man and reasonable, you could talk to him and have him by your side on this. Telling him how you're happy and your life is now better thanks to this boyfriend. If you think he could be by your side, invite him over. Ask him to come and visit you at uni, WITHOUT your mother. And tell him not to keep it a secret, that you only want to see him for the time being. If she calls and asks why you are doing that to her, you can simply say that she's not accepting who you are and is not respecting you as an individual. That her nazi methods are not working with you and if she stops supporting you economically, she will be just pushing you away even further, and you'll read that as a way of wanting you out of her life.

As of now, she never really thought of losing you, she treats you like putty in her hands. But she will have her share of thinking if she starts considering that seriously. We are emotional living beings, and it is not healthy to deprive you of your emotional side. Which is what she is doing. And threatening you and ordering you not to have feelings. She needs counseling or something, because her ways are unhealthy. As a mother, I think this is all wrong on so many levels. She can damage your personality and your relationship with the opposite sex, besides the one with your parents. I don't know how to read your father's complete disinterest.

 

If you can't count on your father, talk to a counselor at uni or a lawyer.

 

I am sure I would not bend to her will (or better, whim), because I'd demand respect. And you shouldn't even demand it, it should be natural. She crossed bounderies for her role. As a parent, she should check on you and want the best for you but help you develop your emotional side in healthy ways, not ordering you to repress it.

[GH3]

Oh, I guess I should've mentioned that I live with my mother and my father lives pretty much on the other side of the country. The only thing my father told me was on the phone, he said "don't fall in love" (oops :/) He can't really do much because of distance and he has a pretty passive parenting style anyways. However, my step father lives with my mother and yeah he's pretty much a side-kick and agrees with what my mother says (mostly because I'm not his kid).

[justwhoiam]

I'd rather renounce mommy dearest's comfort than my own freedom. But you do what you think best, for your own sake. Also considering if you are strong enough or fragile and easily dominated. Whatever your choice, you can still look for help from a counselor or a lawyer (to see if she violated any law, which I guess).

 

Good luck.