Confessions of a Guy

February 9, 2014

How do I feel? Broken, confident, awake, sad, empty, determined. Im don’t feel mad, upset, regretful, lost, or like a failure. I have never really experienced this before. Ive always been a very timid and quiet person, until now. I met her through a dating site. Not really expecting much but just wanted to see where things went. She let me in and I finally gave in. She was effortless. All I had to do was see her and I would be reminded how happy I am. Im 26 and I have never given 100% of myself to someone for 7 years. She made me a part of her family and invited me into her circle of friends. I wanted that and her but I never really considered what she wanted. I was still timid and shy around her parents and her friends, but like i said, she was EFFORTLESS.

Boy was I wrong to ever feel that way. To all guys who have someone that hey feel are effortless, stop thinking that right now. Immediately, not later. Its never effortless and that is the worst state of mind that you, as a guy, could be. I lost the spark faster than I sparked it up in the beginning. Heres what happens. As soon as you get comfortable, you will forget what it took for you to get her in the beginning. She still makes you happy right? Why would you need to put in any kind of effort if you’re getting what you need? Because it will keep her around and since you love her why the hell wouldn’t you want to keep her around? You love this girl and you’re speeding at 100mph on cruise control but what happens if you crash? You’ll probably die.

Heres what I learned from this relationship. You will crash if you put it on cruise control. You won’t fight to keep it working, you won’t work to keep it working, but most importantly you won’t notice the need to keep it working. It will last a few years if you’re lucky but I wouldn’t call that lucky if it does. Id call it the worst type of heart break that you will ever experience in your life. See, I feel like there has to be at least one terrible emotional occurrence that someone has to go through. It doesn’t matter if its with the one that you end up with or if its with an ex, it has to happen. As soon as you feel like you’re perfect, you will be slapped in the face and the little imperfections will show their face. In this case, most of my imperfections have been ironed out thanks to a few ex’s but this one, the one that I wanted to be with 150%, showed me my biggest imperfection, not only in the relationship, but in my social life.

I can call her any time. I didn’t bother her a lot since she obviously quit on me and anything I have to say would've been added stress at that point. Ive sent her an apology email and congratulation text about a new job. She thanked me for the text. She won’t pick up or text back so why bother trying. We have contact over the internet but whats the point. What can I do now that I realized this? Nothing at all. Let her go and make her happy. Thats all Im left with and I can’t blame anyone but myself.

Im not a bad person. I would never raise my hand on a woman, I would never cheat on a woman, I would never lie about where Ive been or where Im going, and I would never put her down. I thought I was the perfect guy! I finally found the perfect girl but this shows I wasn’t ready for her. She backed off for a few weeks a few months ago and decided to give us another chance. All I could think about was “when is she coming back.” We stayed in contact. There would have been no way for me to realize this without going through what Im going through now. I guarantee it has been months since we started falling apart. I felt it. I asked her whats wrong and she told me that everything was ok. I was a clueless kid. I didn’t know what to do. I swear if I knew what I know now, she would be happier than she has ever been and can ever be.

I would have worked for it instead of keeping it on cruise control like everything else I did in life. If you feel like you want them back, don't do it right away. Let it really sink in and feel the pain! If you're meant to be, you will be together. I guarantee you that if you do cross paths again and you haven't accepted your mistakes and really suffered, you will repeat them again. The girl may never see you making these improvements, but wouldn't you agree that you don't want to go through the same thing again?

Since this is really the end, I just want to say “thank you, baby.” Id text her, but Im stronger than that.

Edited February 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

February 10, 2014

Hey Drey sorry to hear about the breakup. I'm not sure if I read correctly but you were together for 7 years? I'm in the same boat as you brother. I'm 25 and my ex and I were together for almost 5 years. You have put into words what I have struggled to comprehend for the past 3+ weeks since my ex left me (refer to the first thread I posted).

Effortless, straightforward, natural, etc. There is no such thing when it comes to relationships. You and I unfortunately did not realize this until it was too late but thats life and we're better now for it. Our relationship was on cruise control like you explained and I was completely oblivious to the fact that I needed to keep it working. Our ex's could have also made this realization but once one half of the relationship is compromised its broken. My ex fell out of love with me and was not willing to try to work things out unfortunately. It truly hurts because it wasn't either of our faults, it just happens. We didn't mean to drift apart, every decision either of us made leading up to this point was based on what we knew to be right at that moment in time. It wouldn't have been any other way so please do not blame anyone, especially do not blame yourself. They don't teach you these things in school unfortunately. Its something you need to experience for yourself to truly understand and I'm glad I'm not alone in this one. Like you said, if its meant to be, its meant to be. However I've accepting that she isn't coming back and I'm glad you have too.

You are much stronger than I am Drey. I was chugging along fine at 2+ weeks NC until I broke it the other night until today. My ex and I exchanged a few nice texts and I figured I'd be able to handle it but I was wrong. After 3+ weeks since the BU it was still very hard for me. I thought we could keep in touch and be there for each other. I immediately regretted reaching out to her and expect any kind of sign of life for reconciliation and finally just said what I had to say. I accepted that it was over and I told her I wasn't going to chase her and that I would not be contacting her anymore.

It's extremely upsetting and a major life change for you and I but I know that it will only get better from here. Life is cruel sometimes but its a constant learning experience. We will be better, we will be stronger and our future relationships will greatly benefit from what we've learned. I wish you nothing but the best and I promise you that everything is going to be okay. Peace and love brother!

Edited February 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 10, 2014

I appreciate the reply. It wasn't 7 years it was a year and a half that we were together. If it was 7 years I would have already married this girl a long time ago! But then again I wouldn't have learned what I learned and it would have probably ended. I wish she came next. As in I wish i met her next because I swear the only reason I can't call her or contact her because it feels good to make her happy. Finally genuinely happy without expecting anything in return. It hurts like hell but I feel amazing knowing I have the ability to make her feel like she's got the world ahead of her and that I will never try to convince her that I am in it.

Were on good terms we never fought. She just told me how it is and i swallowed my pride and accepted it. Were still friends on bookface and we still have some mutual friends, although she lives 40 min away. Her family doesnt dislike me nor do her friends (I hope) so if she was to come around, I think we would have a good chance. Im not holding my breath but its nice to leave on good terms. I just wish I didnt have to hurt her. I didn't mean to.

February 10, 2014

I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with my approach. I'm just prolonging the pain and stopping myself from moving on. I chose this route because I need to change some things about myself and reminding what I could've had keeps me focused. I want that again but next time I want to keep it. So far I've already kicked one bad habit and it's on to the next one!

February 10, 2014

Here is something to consider:

Yes, relationships take effort to maintain. However, many many people think that relationships should be "fun not work" even though they're both.

It's this misconception that gets us into trouble - we assume that if we get a little bored, or if we have to speak up for our needs, or if something takes quite a bit of effort...that the relationship is wrong.

What I'm trying to say is, you cannot be expected to know exactly what to do. There are times in life where you will absolutely forget to put the necessary effort into the relationship because life gets in the way. During these moments, it is up to your partner to course correct you.

If they feel you've gotten too comfortable, they need to give you a nudge. If they get bored, they need to speak up. If they notice their feelings fading and they don't want them to, they need to stand up for their needs.

This is not so much an issue of you becoming too comfortable...it's an issue of poor communication skills about the things that matter.

February 10, 2014

Just out of curiosity, does the fact that we never really had a real fight indicate a lack of communication? We argued but we always ended up compromising right away.

Like I said she stepped away for a few weeks and brought up communication issues but we needed to work on it. We both wanted to and we started to but then like you said life got in the way. I was missing her and she was missing what I gave her when we first started. Like I said we didn't leave on bad terms and I want her back so bad but I know if I jump into it before I'm really improved I will end up where I was a few months ago. Granted she will ever think about me the same which seems highly unlikely right now.

February 10, 2014

Just out of curiosity, does the fact that we never really had a real fight indicate a lack of communication? We argued but we always ended up compromising right away.

Hard to say.

Conflict of some kind is an inherent piece of any human interaction. Resolving it maturely is best.

My best friend and his wife have had maybe 2 fights in their whole relationship. They respect each other enough to not lose their cool over trivial matters and they quickly come to compromises when it's something bigger.

Like I said she stepped away for a few weeks and brought up communication issues but we needed to work on it. We both wanted to and we started to but then like you said life got in the way. I was missing her and she was missing what I gave her when we first started. Like I said we didn't leave on bad terms and I want her back so bad but I know if I jump into it before I'm really improved I will end up where I was a few months ago. Granted she will ever think about me the same which seems highly unlikely right now.

Relationships mature, grow, evolve, have lulls, speed up and slow down...in short, they CHANGE. If someone doesn't like the direction of that change, it's their responsibility to speak up. Some issues can't be talked about and breaking up is best, but communication should come first.

Life gets in the way A LOT. That's just reality. The relationship will not always be first priority, but if it means something you find a way...but that requires a lot of talking.

I find that many people (it seems more common in women, but men do it too) have unrealistic expectations for relationships. They expect that the right partner should "just know" how to fulfill their needs...they expect their partner should "just want to" do exactly the right thing that'll make them happy ("you should WANT to take me out on a date!"). It turns into this foolish game where one side pouts and gets resentful while the other side either continues ignorantly on their way or does all the wrong things.

We teach people how to treat us. When your girlfriend allowed you to stop giving her what she wanted/needed, she was signalling that she was okay with it. By allowing you to think this and not course correcting you when you went astray, she sabotaged the relationship in the worst way possible because she basically gave you the green light to give her less...then was secretly frustrated and bored.

I say this as someone who blames himself HEAVILY for the demise of his last relationship. My ex and I both agreed, as she was dumping me, that the relationship SHOULD have been perfect. She kept saying I did nothing wrong...but the more I look back on it, the more I see that I wasn't putting in as much effort towards the end. My life became very stressful and I was trying my hardest to keep things together. For nearly 2 months I stopped making the drive to see her, I stopped planning dates in advance or initiating when we'd see each other next. I wasn't able to focus enough to have long text or phone conversations. The "honeymoon period" had ended, and I slacked off. To the end my ex claims I did nothing wrong even though she felt we had "slowed down". I screwed up royally, but she had every opportunity to tell me that she missed me...that she missed me driving up to see her...that she was getting bored. She didn't, so how was I supposed to know?

Edited February 10, 2014 by Pfenixphire

February 10, 2014

...I screwed up royally, but she had every opportunity to tell me that she missed me...that she missed me driving up to see her...that she was getting bored. She didn't, so how was I supposed to know?

This is very painful for me to read because I feel the exact same way. My ex did not speak up. I was completely oblivious and thought we were happy. But as I look back I can vaguely remember attempts to hint at it. Why couldn't they just say something? Clearly we had communication issues but the solution seems so obvious now. I don't think it was too far gone to fix these problems. In the end she fell out of love and didn't even want to give us a second chance. Ticking time bomb...

February 10, 2014

Interesting topic. I keep hoping my ex BF thinks the way you do drey4211. I hope that everyday. We had the same sort of troubles. We both became a bit effortless. In the beginning it was mostly me, he later followed. And when I finally wanted to give it a serious try he eventually decided thaf he needed to appreciate my time more and enjoy me being around more, and he could only do that by taking a step back. By, as he said: learn what you miss, when it is gone. God all I wish is that in his process he thinks just like you do drey4211. But I'm afraid this was a long time coming. When the first butterflies wear off, and you realize there is a lack of communication and no one speaks up, don't you think than, that there is a resaon for it? Does it not simply just mean that both of you don't like eachother or the relationship thát much to actually fight for it? Cause I've always believed if you really cared or wanted something, you'd do anything to get it or to keep it. So ehatever happens you'd always try and work at it. You don't just give up or walk away. I don't know, maybe that's naive, but I for one just think in this case, aswell as my own, the relationship had rannits course. And your right, those break-ups are the worst, cause only then you'll start to see what you've had, and now you lost it. You regret being so effortless and wish you've showed you'd cared more. But truth is, that's only looking back at it. This is just a classic feeling of knowing what you've lost when it's gone. I hope my ex surely does!! I wish you all the best, you'll meet someone new, someone better. Who knows how important communication in a relationship is. And you'll be the better version of your old self.

February 10, 2014

Poor communication is the key message here. That what happened in mine. My relationship of 2.5 years was def worth saving IMHO, but sometimes it just builds up and boom, they leave.

But please don't blame yourself or ask yourself what could i have done to save/fix the relationship ; Nothing.

I like to think relationships on cruse control are the best ones, as long as you and your partner are doing the same speed. Again, proper communication is key.

February 11, 2014

I found something online called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage (there is another called The other 15 ways etc.) Now I know we weren't married and obviously far from it but I read over that often after this breakup because a lot of it hits right on. I always thought I was this great honest guy, calm, and composed, and for the most part quiet. It kind of carried over into this relationship but I really don't like to be quiet. Composed is in my nature but when it comes to the people that I love, quiet is not good! I'm going to be a better man to the next girl that I fall in love with.

I think my composed side helps me handle this situation right.

I really can't explain how difficult this is for me. To know what to take away from it, but to not know if i will ever have the chance to apply it where I want. I think a break up is necessary. I think NC is necessary. I think that's the only way that people can learn a lesson. I hope I'll hear from her eventually since she is friends with some of my friends. I hope I'm fully rebuilt when it happens and she's available because I'll go for it! If I get her I won't let the REAL second chance go to waste.

February 11, 2014

Interesting topic. I keep hoping my ex BF thinks the way you do drey4211. I hope that everyday. We had the same sort of troubles. We both became a bit effortless. In the beginning it was mostly me, he later followed. And when I finally wanted to give it a serious try he eventually decided thaf he needed to appreciate my time more and enjoy me being around more, and he could only do that by taking a step back. By, as he said: learn what you miss, when it is gone. God all I wish is that in his process he thinks just like you do drey4211. But I'm afraid this was a long time coming. When the first butterflies wear off, and you realize there is a lack of communication and no one speaks up, don't you think than, that there is a resaon for it? Does it not simply just mean that both of you don't like eachother or the relationship thát much to actually fight for it? Cause I've always believed if you really cared or wanted something, you'd do anything to get it or to keep it. So ehatever happens you'd always try and work at it. You don't just give up or walk away. I don't know, maybe that's naive, but I for one just think in this case, aswell as my own, the relationship had rannits course. And your right, those break-ups are the worst, cause only then you'll start to see what you've had, and now you lost it. You regret being so effortless and wish you've showed you'd cared more. But truth is, that's only looking back at it. This is just a classic feeling of knowing what you've lost when it's gone. I hope my ex surely does!! I wish you all the best, you'll meet someone new, someone better. Who knows how important communication in a relationship is. And you'll be the better version of your old self.

Did you call it off or did he?

February 11, 2014

well, it was a long time coming. It was sort of a mutual thing. One night we just decided we couldn't go on like this anymore. I however, do I dare to admit it, thought there was still the possibility of working things out, I don't really think he did though. The tricky part was that we never really had proper closure, which made it that much harder for me. Just the fact that we have been in NC for about 1,5 month now shows to me that it really is over I guess.

February 11, 2014

well, it was a long time coming. It was sort of a mutual thing. One night we just decided we couldn't go on like this anymore. I however, do I dare to admit it, thought there was still the possibility of working things out, I don't really think he did though. The tricky part was that we never really had proper closure, which made it that much harder for me. Just the fact that we have been in NC for about 1,5 month now shows to me that it really is over I guess.

Sometimes I feel like some friends she met through me make her feel like this was the right choice. It's amazing because she just started her career and the first thing I want to do is give her space of course. But to think that she's ok with keeping in contact with my friends and not me is a stab in the chest. I'm a pretty cool guy but this girl got me all messed up! She's the only girl who ever made me feel this way and I can't do anything about it anymore.

February 11, 2014

I don't think everything happens for a reason. I think things happen so you can choose your own reasons. I'm hoping I'll see her but if not, I'm hoping she doesn't have to feel the same way about anyone ever again. Or get hurt by anyone.

Edited February 11, 2014 by Drey4211
Repeat post

February 12, 2014

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this pain, but it does sound like you are growing from it.

To address the communication thing... I'm going to jump out and flat out apologize for what many of us women do. We DON'T say what we need and we expect our men to KNOW. That's a very common flaw among women.

That's why many times in couples counseling, it's the woman going in unhappy.. and the man is completely oblivious to what is making her unhappy and how to make her happy. This, combined with the fact that men just don't really have that intuition to pick up on emotions and others' needs like women do, is where communication issues between men and women blow up.

That said... I'm not shifting this all on her. I just think you're being too hard on yourself.

Glad you feel like you're able to grow from this though, but sorry its so painful. (I know the feeling of the pain..and I'm guessing everyone on this forum knows about pain in one way or another as well.)

February 12, 2014

This is for the best right now. She's younger and I don't want to hold her back. If were both available at one point I may try to do what I did to her when we first met. For now I'm sure I'm the last though on her mind. That's a hard pill to swallow but it's her choice.

February 13, 2014

i felt the same way Drey, that i wouldn't have a chance to apply what i learned...especially in my dating population (lesbian), where meeting each other is pretty hard already!!

But you know...a new person always manages to crop up...people fit each other in so many different ways, different combinations. It's impossible not to fall in love again.

February 14, 2014

I know it. I'm not afraid of falling in love with someone again. And once I do I will not make the same mistakes again. Thing is though I'm a very loyal and disciplined guy. I truly love this girl. Everything in my gut is telling me that she's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. But then my mind comes in to play and it says that if I truly love her, I should want her to be happy. She left me and there's nothing I can do about it. Sure we'll go on and lead our lives and everything will be fine. We'll both face challenges and well both end up ok but I think that once I'm out of the woods again, which I am almost, I would like to maybe cross paths with her. It may lead to nothing but I would at least like to experience that. I opened myself up to this girl all the way. My problem became exactly that. I didn't realize who I was until she left me. It took some self reflection on my part. Trust me I am a nice and respectful guy but that was it. There was no excitement coming from me once I settled. Even if she cheated that's ok. I should have put in the effort to keep her interested.

I know she's happier now than the last few months we were together and that make me happy too. I tear up sometimes but it all comes back to that. I can't rewind time and life is short but what I can do is put in the right amount of work in to improve myself and hope that if we do see each other I can have the same effect as I did when we first met without even trying. Now that I have learned what I missed, I would be able to keep her. I just wish I met her next is all I'm saying. Or met her again down the road. Circumstances may or may not be different. I'm just learning to let her go and accept the idea that she's not coming back and make sure that all of her effort wasn't wasted. She really changed my life for the better. I guess she did exactly what she was meant to do. That's essentially what were all looking for in a partner huh.

February 14, 2014

....I screwed up royally, but she had every opportunity to tell me that she missed me...that she missed me driving up to see her...that she was getting bored. She didn't, so how was I supposed to know?

Good point. Tho, it could be a double-edged sword - some folks don't wanna appear needy even w/ the best intentions. Communication is a tough foresight. The difference in gender-wiring mixed w/ strong emotions is a delicate matter.

Over time and observing, I learned natural similarities in women from both my exes and close friends - that 5 minutes is actually 20, that they would say the opposite of what they feel/want in critical moments, that they get jealous if your talking to a girl they don't know, that they get critical w/ that said girl, that they get dramatic when disappointed even if you don't mean to, that they like to talk about IT in the heat of the moment.

Don't get me wrong on what I learned because I also believe, NOT ALL women behave this way - maybe I AM the common denominator!. But I'm taking this into account the way I handle any RS. If it helps then it's less misery to deal w/. Life is too short otherwise.

I understand the fear of falling in again, Drey but no doubt, we will. Its a learning process and there's a lot to be learned.

February 15, 2014

I understand the fear of falling in again, Drey but no doubt, we will. Its a learning process and there's a lot to be learned.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm not afraid to fall in love again I just don't really want to. I already did I was just careless and care free. I made a mistake and she made one by not telling me something was wrong when I asked her. Those were the cards I got dealt. I can't do anything about it now. I don't doubt my feelings for her but if she thinks that it's her best decision then so be it. I'll come out on a better person and she'll be happy. Win win is how I look at it. Who knows if we will meet again but we hit it off once, obviously we are compatible. She just thinks she's better of without me. Can't blame someone for what they feel is right.

February 15, 2014

This x100000 the amount of times I've bern blindsided and the ex never communicated anything to me, at all. Then blame the whole breakup on me. This is what infuriates me about guys. I would love to send this. They should be apologizing for throwing someone good away.

Here is something to consider:

Yes, relationships take effort to maintain. However, many many people think that relationships should be "fun not work" even though they're both.

It's this misconception that gets us into trouble - we assume that if we get a little bored, or if we have to speak up for our needs, or if something takes quite a bit of effort...that the relationship is wrong.

What I'm trying to say is, you cannot be expected to know exactly what to do. There are times in life where you will absolutely forget to put the necessary effort into the relationship because life gets in the way. During these moments, it is up to your partner to course correct you.

If they feel you've gotten too comfortable, they need to give you a nudge. If they get bored, they need to speak up. If they notice their feelings fading and they don't want them to, they need to stand up for their needs.

This is not so much an issue of you becoming too comfortable...it's an issue of poor communication skills about the things that matter.

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